Reluctant to Participate

he is 4.. let him be 4.
we did soccer with my kids when they were 3 and 4... parents participated... the kids actually learned a lot.. but at every single session every single kid cried.. every week... they are just not ready..

at the 5 year old soccer only 1 kid cries per week.. so it is much better.

I would wait..

You don't hav a lot of choices about pushing him to go to school, but pushing a kid to play a game, something that is supposed to be fun, is not a good idea IMO. He will come outo f his shell at his own pace, and forcing him through tears isn't going to help that process.

He's FOUR.
He's growing and developing and free unstructured play is all he needs right now.
He'll be totally different in a few years.
Team sports are pretty boring for a lot of little kids.
Wait till he's 6, or even better 8.
He'll take to it and enjoy himself much more easily if you just let him grow into it rather than pushing him.
Tell your Mom to butt out - her theory on raising boys is SO last generation (perhaps by several generations) and somewhat outdated.
If you want to try him in something, try a non team sport at first.
Taekwondo is great that way.

My son has never been 'a joiner'.
He gets along well with everyone and
at this point they are calling him 'a leader'.

You know, there is a reason kindergarten has traditionally started at the age of 5 or 6, because THAT is the age when most children are ready to sit still, follow simple directions and rules, and learn how to function in a group setting.
Why your mother thinks a 4.5 year old needs to "face his fears" is beyond me. He should be playing and learning and growing.
My kids started playing organized sports in first and second grade. They had a great experience because they were mature enough to actually ENJOY it. When they were done I let them move on to other things.
And you know what? Some kids NEVER get into sports, they get into reading, art, music, science and other things.
Please let your son develop into who HE is.

Where's Dad?

I think perhaps it would be helpful for his dad to have a heart to heart with him about playing. Perhaps go out and play catch, or go to a baseball game, or even go to the park this season for the little league games and just watch.

He's still pretty little at 4.5....so perhaps instead of trying to make him play this year, he and dad can work on his interest in sports. When he becomes a little more mature, and sees kids his age playing and having a great time, he will probably want to join in.

I think it's great to have kids play sports too, but they need to play what they love. So teach him to love something.

ETA: Also check out some of the local sports clinics for little kids with Parks and Rec. They often have a 3-day day camp for whatever sport they're interested in. This is a good way to get your son used to the rules, and involved, without committing him to an entire season.

He is only 4.5 years old. Don't worry about the future from this little stage of shyness. Take it one day at a time. You mention he exhibits these same traits in preschool and when playing with friends. Let him work out his shyness and maybe anxieties in those "safe" situations.

He is soooo young. There are plenty of years for group,competitive activities. Just because he acts a little excited for t-ball then backs out doens't mean he will forever be a quitter or wall flower..or live in fear.

I think all too often we force our kids younger and younger to do things earlier than they are ready for and it sets them up for feelings of insecurties,failure and anxieties. He is still so young...not every boy wants to play t-ball. He really just may want to be with friends...but not introduce a game that is intimidating to play in front of big people(big adults) and other kids who know the game better.

I know a 13 year old who finally told his mom, stop pressuring me to play sports.(his mom is my dear,dear friend) He told her I don't like them. I feel stupid playing with all my friends who are better than me. I feel so dumb out there playing. This kid struggles with anxieties...really bad. Mom is backing off and happy that her son LOVES science and she will put him in some group science extra curricular activities. She feels bad she has pressuring him..but she felt he needed to be doing what all the other boys are doing. He is a well rounded boy...just not into sports. Not all kids need to be in competitive sports. It really is a societal pressure on parents to have our kids in a bazillion activities.

I would be very careful about how you force a child to face fears...especially at such a young age. THis can really backfire on you...and intensify the fear. His psyche is so immature and impressionable. I know your mom was only saying it out of love...but be careful.

Does your son like music? Art? Science? He can be in a group setting and face some of the social shyness or social anxieties in a more pleasurable environment. He has sooo many years ahead in school to work out these issues...don't force him to play a sport he is going to complain about each week at the expense of your patience and finances.

Good luck and best wishes!

4.5 is really very young to join anything organized. That's not to say that some kids don't enjoy it, but really, it's a lot to ask a child of that age to engage in frequent practices and games. Kids at that age aren't very good at sports anyway, so there's a whole lot of sitting around waiting for someone to hit the ball, or everyone on the field chasing the same soccer ball because they have no ability to understand different positions or strategy. If he bursts into tears, he's telling you he's absolutely not ready. Listen to him.

Concentrate on small group play - invite a friend or two over, and go out and kick a soccer ball around. Get a set of those baseball gloves with a velcro strip and a special velcro ball, so they have some chance of catching it and holding on to the ball if it even hits the glove (not contingent on the child closing the glove around the ball). Do a VERY small scale game with just a few kids running bases - not dependent on someone actually hitting a ball. Get a baseball "tee" so they can hit the ball off something stationary vs. a pitched ball. Get a small soccer net or just use those plastic cones to set up a goal line, and let them have at it. Try a croquet set - not dangerous but requires some aim and some taking of turns. Take him and a friend mini golfing. Try candlepin bowling if it's in your area - small ball, short alley, smaller pins.

Try other "new" situations - go to programs at the library, try a children's museum where there are a bunch of kids but not forced interaction. Go to the interactive exhibits or the live talks (about animals or dinosaurs or whatever). Sometimes those museums also have play spaces where kids can run around with kids they don't know, but not in an organized fashion.

There are lots of ways to build confidence - and that includes letting a child grow up and mature and come into his own. Tell your mother to back off. What concerns a child at 4.5 is not necessarily a handicap that will follow him for his whole life.

After each experience, compliment him indirectly by reinforcing how much fun it was, or directly by saying how nice it was that he reached out to share a toy with that other little boy. If you can find another shy child, suggest (but don't push) that your son invite that other little boy to join him - "maybe he'd like you to ask him to play with you." If he can become the "leader" or the more confident child, that may boost his confidence a little.

Finally, embrace him for the person he is. He needs to function in school, but really, he does not need to be a "joiner" in the sense of following the crowd into whatever sports "everyone else" is doing. Maybe he will be an artist, a poet, a novelist, a deep thinker, an inventor who is devoted to time in a lab...what's wrong with that?

School is one thing; sports is another. Shyness is one thing, and cowardice is definitely another.

How about taking your son to one of his friend's games, just to watch it? That would be non-threatening to him, and he might enjoy it enough to want to go to watch more games, and maybe even to want to play with his friend on the team some time. If he doesn't get that far, he may have still had a good time and learned some things.

Shyness or introversion (which are not the same thing) is hard-wired in some people. It's part of the personality God gave them. Work with it, not against it. I'm that kind of person, and when adults would try to push me as a kid, I would push right back, do even less, and be more convinced that there was something wrong with me. I'm much better with other people now (a loooong time later), but I had to be motivated in the way that worked for me.

Here's an experience of a young woman I know and respect - I don't think she'll mind my talking about her. As a child, she was fine being with one or two friends or a very small group, but in a large classroom she just shut down. She was smart and friendly, but definitely not a group person. As a young teen she was encouraged to learn public speaking, but she was reluctant to do it. However, when some kids invited her to go to a speech and debate tournament just to watch them (and cheer for them), she went to it, came back home, and told her mother she wanted to be involved. When her mom asked her why, she said, "Because these kids are great. They're the kind of people I'd like to have as friends." That was the motivation that worked for her.

(By the way, this young woman is doing quite well! She has the same introverted personality, but she has used that personality to work well with young children. She has traveled internationally, earned a college degree, and I think is going to be engaged to be married very soon!)

I think he's pretty young to be worried so much. But baseball is pretty boring at that age. A lot of sitting around. Maybe find something he can do that is more engaging, like soccer or gymnastics. A lot of gyms offer tumbling classes which kids his age would love.
Maybe find out why he doesn't want to go. Is he afraid he'll have to go without you. What if you assured him you'd stay the whole time. You never know, that might be the problem.

Don't force your son to participate in anything provided he tells you BEFORE you have him enrolled (obviously this does not include in school or things you have to have him do like daycare). Now if he asks and he is signed up, I think you should have him follow through for the season (and never make him do it again after the season if he so chooses).

Why not just find a local group of parents and get the kids together for fun play (sports included)? Another option when he gets a bit older would be Boy Scouts because they do lots of activities without having a whole season of baseball, soccer, etc. while letting him be part of a group/team.

See if you can show up and watch for a few sessions. He can kick the ball in the sidelines. Once he's comfortable with the venue, routine, he might ask if he can join in.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I think once it comes to his teen years, you might want to rethink the idea of wanting him to be a "joiner." There will be plenty of things that he'll be better off avoiding. Help him to feel secure in himself by NOT forcing him to do things outside of his comfort zone at such a young age. 4.5 is VERY young to be required to do team things. My middle son is almost 4 and is the same as you describe your son. I have no intention of forcing him to participate in extracurriculars.

We go to the park daily, and he is willing to play with other kids at the park if we give him enough time to warm up. We play in our backyard where we'll kick the soccer ball around, chase each other, play t-ball, etc. Not every skill needs to be developed in a team setting. Help him to gain confidence in skills by working with him as a family. It is fun! He will have fun!

You've got PLENTY of time for him to learn to join in with team activities. Give him a break for now.

ETA: My son won't go to swimming lessons by himself--he'll cry and refuse to participate. He's not ready to be left alone. At the YMCA they have classes where I can take the class with him. They offer this all the way up to 6 yrs old because they KNOW some kids aren't ready to be on their own in a group setting.

my daughter is the same. i signed her up for tball because i thought she needed one season of a sport to learn to be part of a team and also know everyone messes up. it helped with that but we';re skipping this year it J. wasnt worth it. tball is terribly boring. If i was you if he;'s under 8 i would take him to one class and see how he does and then you can decide if you want to continue.

My daughter wanted to do irish dance so bad and then when the day came the teacher had to take her from M. crying, she finished class saying she loved it and wanted to sign up. a lot fo kids sports will let you try one lesson out...so i kinda agree with your mom, force him to the first 1 or 2 and then let him decide

Take him to games where his friends are playing. Get him to cheer them on. Let him see them in action. He may not like doing something for the first time. If I am going to a new place I try to make it there about 15 minutes earlier than I would normally be there so I can scope out the place, find the bathrooms, figure out where I'd like to sit, etc....I feel much more comfortable that way.

My 4.5 yr old can't decide what sport she wants to try. We don't really have time with tge other kids commitments anyway-so I just get her the gear(when she said she wanted to try t-ball a set, swimming-water wings etc) and we practice/play with her neighborhood friends or at the community pool.
I agree with the other responses as far as drop in classes. In my area you can drop in on soccer, roller skating, circus classes, karate, etc. Perhaps you can get him interested by doing a drop in. If you can drop in on his friends intro b-ball that may help-since he knows someone there. My kids coach is open to that at practice only.
I have two in soccer and I warned them that they could not back out. Now, with the bad spring weather they're out there with hats and gloves on weather they like it or not. Dad told me I was being harsh, but they were forewarned!

Maybe he will enjoy individual sports more. My son didn't enjoy any team sports when he was that young and would refuse to do them. He was very active and sporty though. Now he is 9 and is a amazing mountain biker, and is on ski team. He enjoys doing a kids triathalon each year here where we live. He loves rock climbing too. Last year he finally started playing a team sport for the first time and has been slow to warm up to it but now is really enjoying it (soccer). Don't worry! Try to find things he will like and you or his dad can always go play t-ball or kick a soccer ball with him and his good friend instead of being on a team right now.

He's shy. Anyone who's shy and slow to feel comfy can relate. Don't force anything. You can't force someone to change their personality. There's nothing that says that everyone has to like being in a big group of people. I hate big groups of people and prefer small groups of 3 or 4 or less. Not everyone likes "team" activities, either, and with his personality, he might do better at an individual activity. IMO, you don't need to worry about that stuff until later. Let him be and develop on his own.

Don't force him. If you really feel that he needs more activities, then pick one that one of his friends is going to do and he has expressed an interest in, and tell him that "we're going to try it". Assure him that you'll be there, he doesn't have to do anything he's uncomfortable with, and if he hates it, he doesn't have to do it.

It sounds to me like you are extrovert, and your son is an introvert. There is a great article out there by the NY Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/26/opinion/sunday/26shynes...) that you should read. And a great book (Quiet: The power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking, by Susan Cain).

Some people are not generally "joiners" and that is okay. I am not a joiner. I am an introvert and was so shy and quiet that my kindergarten teacher thought I had a learning disability (I do not. I just didn't talk in class. My mom knew better because I talked at home with parents & sibs with no problem).

My parents, especially my mom, helped me by supporting me to explore things I was passionate about and encouraging me in those pursuits (for me, it was horses). She made sure that I had the chance to develop friendships by doing one-on-one playdates and gradually moving up to small groups (3 to 4 kids).

He's 4. He doesn't need to be enrolled in tons of stuff now. He needs to grow at his own pace. And good for him for being able to share his feelings and let you know that he's bothered by stuff.

Please read the article, even if you don't have time to read the book. Introversion can be a gift, and as I've aged, I've learned that it is for me. That doesn't mean that I sit at home reading books all the time. It just means I recognize my own comfort zones and have worked through issues like socializing in a crowd, which for me I got better at and more comfortable at over time. But my preference is always more for one on one or small groups.

FInd a class that is parent participation. My park district has classes for younger kids where the parents play along too. My son is very shy too and if I go to the first class or two with him and stay close by he's much more comfortable. We've signed up for classes and he's left in tears (soccer and karate) and we've never gone back. We've signed up for classes where he begs me to sign him up again (swimming and gymnastics). Just let him check it all out without pressure. I also find it helps by playing one on one with him at the park. We just take a baseball, soccer ball, basketball or whatever he feels like with us to the park and play. We usually end up playing with a few other kids from the park who come over to ask to play and he always has a blast with the other kids when it's on "his terms".

Have you tried taking him just to see his friends play sports? As a spectator? That might do the trick. I would not take him to games and press him with comments like "Don't you want to try that?" or "See how much Jimmy likes it? Wouldn't you like to sign up?" Just let him observe; he sounds like a kid who just needs to observe that all is OK before he gets involved.

Don't push him if he is not ready. Do think of some other things to offer besides team sports -- it might be that he is reluctant about these sports for some reason but could be more interested in something quieter or not involving a whole team of kids, most of whom are strangers to him. It will not be the end of the world or make him a social outcast if he prefers a kids' art class, a music or dance class (yes, boys do dance), or a tumbling/pre-gymnastics class, or a solo/duo sport like golf or tennis, to large team sports.

Have you looked into parent-and-child classes where you or your husband goes and participates alongside him? Music Together takes kids up to about age five and is a great parent-and-child class (though you will find a lot of participants are much younger than he is). Look hard for classes where you can participate and also look into things other than team sports.

Remember, he may more eagerly go toward an activity that captures his interest and he may simply not be interested in t-ball or baseball. Let him see other things and offer him ideas that don't involve a large team of kids, cheering spectators, etc. if he dislikes noise and large groups.