4 Year Old Pretending Her Friends Are Dead. Did Your Kids Do This?

I will never forget last year when my daughter was 5 and in Kindergarten and asked me "Mom, what would happen to my body if I died in my classroom" Oh boy, wasn't expecting that question!

So yes, I think this is a common age of when they start talking about death. I also would not play the we are dead game and think you handled it well. (Its along the lines as playing I am drowning in a pool - another game I will not allow) I think you answer the death questions the best you can, use religion, if you believe in it. I'm glad we have religion because it has really helped my daughter grasp death and after death. Good luck to you!

i love that she is exploring her thoughts, fears and speculations on this difficult topic through play. what a healthy response.
if it makes you uncomfortable to play with her, be honest about that. she needs your directness right now. but if you are okay with it, your reactions within the play will help her figure things out for herself. clearly she feels safe coming to you with her worries, and that's great.
i cannot for the life of me think of any good reason to discourage her from exploration.
khairete
S.

R., I know this is long, but I hope you will read with an open mind and received goodness from it, as this is how I intend it. Peace ~~~

This is very curious to me. Children don't usually bring this in till about the age of 7 or 8, at least not to this degree. But more are doing this at this age, bc our society has affected this and children are exposed to so many things. Don't be surprised if she goes through this cycle again at age 7 or so. At that age they will say things like, "I don't want you to die mama." It takes on a different meaning to them around that age, as there is much more emotion involved. They also become aware that everything does indeed die. They become aware that they aren't so close to the heavens anymore and are digging down into earth more and it's very uncomfortable. Of course they aren't truly aware in the sense of saying things in this manner, but it is the stage of life they're in. * At four a child is discovering their own sense of expansion, their strengths, they've become more aware of their enviornment and have a sense of knowing it, they're still intensly testing it though and will often go from one end of the spectrum to the other. They're in a full blown assertive, expansive mode. They will race and climb and such and bubble up with lots of mental activity. They have lots of fears and dreams and they're trying to figure things out, to organize everything internally. The mental imagery is so quick and always changing that its almost mercurial. The child is full of new words that they really don't understand and is fundamentally striving through these impulsions to identify their own self and their environment or culture.

I'm assuming you didn't have a death of friend or family or pet since you didn't mention it which would naturally bring on these issues/questions. I would not act this out with her but if she does it herself I'd take notice but let it play out. You have to ask, where is this coming from. Does she see a lot of TV or movies? We live in a culture of treating death in such a disrespectful manner, showing death and violence so much on tv and its just everywhere. If she's watching tv, I'd limit this. Sometimes we don't even realize how much our children are affected or exposed to - and it's on every level. We have to protect them. Quality Stories help greatly and truly make all the difference for children. A good story of a caterpillar going into the crysilis (seemingly dead) and becoming a butterfly might be a good one with this situation. Not a scienfic like story, its too dry and meaningless to a four year old, but a fairytale like story. If you look on mainlesson.com or the Baldwin Project you'll find old but enriching stories and you'll find the story called A Lesson of Faith, under Parables from Nature by Gatty. It's about a caterpillar and butterfly. If you use this or another that is just as enriching, read it daily, or three or four times a week for three or four weeks. This way it seeps in, also children love everything repeated. You can talk about it with her during the day too. You can also find a good little verse to say about the new flowers coming up in spring or butterflies. This takes it into rebirth. (Afterall in Reality there is no death, only change and transition -- as when our body dies it becomes part of earth from which it came and our life begins again in another form, in spiritual body)

When children play they are playing what they are living inside, what they have received from the enviornment. They take everything in and then it has to come out - whatever goes in must come out, at some point it will show in their play. She is frightened and doesn't understand. She wants and need reassurance and so lots of hugs and love and keeping her close will comfort her. I wouldn't neccessarily answer all her questions because of her age she will often be satisfied with answers such as, "hmmm, I wonder," or "thats a big question, I wonder about it too." You don't have to have all the answers, more so you need wonder, magical like wonder with her, keep it sweet. She lives in her imagination, be always aware of that. She has not developed yet the thinking, reason mind of an adult, so go with it for now and this will pass. Take out anything in her enviornment that is serious or adult like. Try not to worry about this so much and try to see where this is coming from and why she's doing it and what is the way to deal with it. Pray about it and let it go and see what comes back to you. Also, if it is required, you can tell her that we come here to earth to visit for a while and then we go back to our real home that is waiting for us, a special home.

The first time I experienced this with my first child, I was just shocked and mystified and didn't really answer which at the time thought was wrong, but as time went on, I realized that wasn't such a bad thing to do and as my child got older with more questions I knew better how to respond because I had prayed and meditated on it and allowed the answers to come out freely in the moment. I also realized that this was a challenge for me and my beliefs and that my child was actually reflecting back to me the very questions I held inside but didn't verbalize. Our children are always teaching us.

Don't worry and simply go with it, she is only four and Being four and much will change. Give her lots of love and plenty of comfort and assurance.
Hope this helps. The Best to you and your little girl. Blessings on All.

4 year olds LOVE to play dead! The teacher at my kid's preschool said her first year teaching this age group she thought she had a group of the most morbid, messed up kids until she realized it was totally normal, she said it happens every year. I hear my kids playing house where they are the kids and their parents are dead! Do what is comfortable for you when it comes to playing, I guess it's different for me b/c I have more than one kid, so I am not the playmate...we introduced the concept of dead and dying to our kids by talking about roadkill...and as gross as it is we have the oppurtunity to get up close and personal when a neighborhood dog catches a rabbit or a squirrel gets squished...it really helps them understand the basics of alive vs. dead in terms of biology, like things that are breathing, eating, moving are alive and when things stop breathing, eating, moving they are dead. That helped us frame the conversation at first w/o bringing sadness and missing loved ones into it.

My daughter is 5.5 and will do this on occasion. I don’t usually play along and tell her that this play makes me sad because I don’t want her to die. I try my best to teach her about death because it is something that is a part of life. Our culture is one that looks badly and with fear at death so most people don’t want to discuss it. Most other cultures look at it as the end of one life and the beginning of another.
The faith we follow teaches us about heaven and after life so we discuss that as well. I have also discussed the cycle of life with my daughter, we are born live and grow old then pass so that other humans can live after us. If people die young from disease, auto accidents, etc. I tell her that sometimes it is just their time and god has a plan for them if the afterlife.
I think regardless of your faith that death should be discussed with children (within reason of their understanding) so that they will not be fearful of it.

I feel for you -- it's scary for parents when kids express this curiosity, but as you already know and acknowledge, it's perfectly normal for this age. You instinct that a controlled play scenario is her way of processing things is absolutely right. I would not initiate any play like this with her but if she brings it up again, I'd say yes and let her take the lead rather than making any suggestions. Then I'd distract her eventually with the offer of something else to do. But use the play, if she initiates it, as a chance to gently ask what made her think of it.

Is it possible that she read a kids' book with a death in it, even the death of a pet? Is it possible that a child at preschool (if she goes) or just a kid she knows might have mentioned to her a death in the family, or that a pet died? Those things can trigger the curiosity and fear about death for kids this age. Don't discourage her, but don't overtalk or overanalyze things either; you could gently ask her what made her think about dying (only when she brings it up first). But I would not probe too hard because at 4, she likely doesn't really know what got her started on this theme, and she also would become even more interested if you bring it up very prominently as if it's A Big Deal.

When my mother died, my daughter, who was just barely six at the time, didn't want to talk about it -- but the afternoon of the day I told her that her grandmother had died, she wanted to go out in the yard and have a funeral for some dead ants she saw on the sidewalk. That was her way of starting to process things.