Atheist Mom Needs Help Explaining Death to a 4 Year Old

Hello C.,
My husband and I are agnostic and we just went through this 3 weeks ago with my daughter's great grandmother. (My daughter is 4). It was a little different in that there was not a service or burial. We decided to be very honest about death with her. We explained that Granny had died and some people call it passed away. We explained that she was very old and lived a very long life and her body wasn't strong enough to live anymore. She saw a cemetery a couple of months ago and she made the connection about her going to a cemetery. We then had to explain that Granny didn't want to go a cemetery when she died, that she wanted to be somewhere in nature and that we would sprinkle her ashes in her favorite meadow. She seemed surprisingly settled with the honesty. She didn't really have very many questions. We were more worried about how the sadness of the people around would affect her. We just made sure that she understood that she could ask us anything when she felt like it. It might have helped that our dog had passed away a year ago. She seemed to understand the finality of death because of that and that the memories live on with us. We keep pictures of Granny and our dog Sierra around to honor their memory. I don't know if this helps you, but it was what we did and what we thought best. My thoughts are with you!

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Definately don't do the "they went to sleep" thing!!

My son went through a similar thing around the same age. When he became interested in death and what happens, I decided that the best thing would be to expose him to the many religions out there as well as the possibility there was no deity. I explained to him that people believe in different things related to death. Some believe that we come back as another human or animal, go to heaven or hell, go on to another life, or just in the stars.

I found one book by Maria Shriver. It is called "What is Heaven?" It does talk about god and angles but just briefly. It lets them know that those they lost are looking over them and will always be with them.

I also found a book on Buddhism by Anita Ganeri. My son is very Dali like and really enjoyed the book. He had a fear of the finality of death and related to their belief in reincarnation.

This is a website list with some varied thoughts nad beliefs to help children deal with loss and grief.
http://www3.baylor.edu/~Charles_Kemp/terminal_illness/chi...

Hope this helps, good luck!!
Karla

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I agree that keeping it simple is best as a 4 year old can only absorb so much with a clear understanding before it gets confusing. Be honest with her, and remember that children this young are very literal so that is why it's not a good idea to call it sleeping. Was her great grandpa buried nearby? After explaining more to her about death, you could take her to his grave to visit him. Death is a natural part of life and the more you are honest with her in simple terms, the less scared she will be. If he was cremated, maybe there is another way you could allow her to connect with him - visit where the ashes were spread or give her a special item that belonged to him to treasure or frame a photo of him for her to keep in her room. Even though he is not here on Earth with us anymore, we can stay connected to him and remember him always. This will give her security.

I believe it is absolutely ok to teach your children what you believe about spirit. And it's ok to tell her other people believe differently. When she's older you can explain more detail about your beliefs and tell her it's ok for her to believe whatever makes sense to her.

In response to Tuesday's question on atheism, the definition is "persons not inclined toward religious belief or a particular form of religious belief. An atheist is one who denies the existence of a deity or of divine beings." Although someone might not believe in a specific or Christian God, that doesn't mean they can't be spiritual or "pray". Sometimes praying can mean using the power of thought to help you through a tough situation or be thankful for wonderful things. And "God" can mean different things to different people. To some, God could represent the connection of all life on Earth (circle of life as mentioned). I hope this helps explain a little because I know it's not always easy to understand when people think so differently. As far as children, I believe it is their parents who are responsible for teaching them about spirit with respect to all beliefs.

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C.,
My son and I had just watched "Charlotte's Web" when a friend suddenly died. I discussed it with him like a spider, which has a life cycle, and that my friends life cycle was over. We do talk about peoples souls and their energy, if you will, is around us whenever we think about them. I don't know if this helps you at all. My son is four and I try to let him lead with questions and answer with brief concepts and he usually will let me know what makes sense to him.

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Dear C.:

My stepdaughter is an atheist and is dealing with the exact same thing.

First of all, whatever you do, do not "make something up" just to get through this. That diminishes you as a person. Tell your daughter the truth. Tell her what it is YOU believe. That way, she will always trust you. There is no getting around the fact that this is a painful time and untruths will NOT help. Your gentleness and calm explanations will.

We recently lost my father-in-law who was very involved with the grands and great-grands. My recommendation: Try calling a local hospice and see if they have counseling available or if they can direct you to someone pro bono. Most of their counselors are trained volunteers and will help you. Our hospice was AMAZING and provided valuable assistance to our family.

Important issue: be sure NOT to mention anything like "he was done with his body, he was finished here, etc." which might make her feel abandoned or like he didn't value their relationship. You will need to be creative in keeping her sharp little mind from going in that direction.

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I recently lost twin girls at 24 weeks in my pregnancy and had to explain to my young son what happened. The experts we talked to said to be honest and it was ok to use the word "died". They said not to use the sleeping idea because it was confusing and potentially scary to them. One thing I heard when explaining about older people passing was to say that they were very old and their body just wore out, so they died. We used that one also recently when explaining to my son that grandpa's dog had died...he seemed to accept it. Good luck, that has to be tough!

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Pets that pass away are a great segway into losing loved ones to death. Regardless of your religious beliefs, animals and people all die, and exposing children to the death of pets helps them to see first hand that their human loved ones are gone and not coming back. Small animals like mice and hamsters have short life spans and will help children process the idea of death when they pass away. When my children were young, I attempted to sheild them from the passing of their pets, but they were very upset by the sudden dissapearance of their pet. A solemn "service" and burial somewhere in the garden did not upset them, but put them at ease and gave them an understanding of what happened to their pets that they will be able to translate to losing family members as well.

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C.,

I have a 4.5 year old with autism and we recently had to euthanize our dog so I've been contemplating this same thing. Sometimes there is just no good way to explain it. I know there are tons of books on the subject so maybe the best bet would be to go to the library or a bookstore and browse until you find one that explains it in a way you are comfortable with.

:-)T.

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Explaining Death to a Child is hard no matter what you believe in.. When my Grandmother passed away it took me months to tell my Daughter who was 4 at the time... I took her to the burial but I had my Husband bring her after the graveside service where there were about 7 of us. She played on the grass. I wanted her there because she and I spent every week going to visit her great grandma and I knew that eventually she would understand where she was. I did tell her that when people get really really old then they pass away to Heaven... I am Jewish and have my own ideas about life but children seem to know about it innately. She comes up with ideas about what happens before you are born and after you pass on that I never taught her. Quite honestly, who's to say? In this case I used the word Heaven as just another place other than here... You can tell her that her Great Grandpa is decomposing some where or you can make it sound more appealing for a small childs brain and let them come up with their own ideas. :)

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C.,
First of all I am sorry to hear that you have to explain death to your four year old. I mean if that is because you have had a loss in the family. My condolences to you.
I also want to say I am saddened to hear that you do not believe in God. With all the beauty in this world it is hard not to acknowledge that a Supreme being above all others does not exist. Truely our universe has been masterfully created. Only a genious, and infinitely generous and loving creator could have done this. Look at all the wonderful things He has given to us while we live here on this earth. It must be sad to think that this all ends when we die. If that is what you believe as an athiest, (and please forgive me if you don't)that is what you should be teaching your child. Teach your child what you really believe about death.
To teach your child something made up or glamorized is only going to lead to much confusion about life in gereral. You might find yourself continually changing your story about death.That might lead to your child seeking other poosible explanations sooner than later.
Be honest with yourself. Do you really believe there is no God? Your name is C. a name that is derived from Christ. I am sure you may have heard of Him before. He came to show us how to live. He taught us that our eternal life begins with death. He opened the gates to a place called heaven. A place where there is no more suffering, only peace and joy.
I pray that God finds a place in your heart and that He gives you just the right words for your child. God is Love. He is the very source that causes you to seek the right answers for your child. Like a shepherd seeks after His lost sheep, He will seek you out too! We are all restless until we rest in Him.

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You are right to not want to explain it as sleeping, death is not sleeping and that can be very confusing to a child. She could then fear going to sleep or not want you to go to sleep, thinking you will be gone in the morning. I would just keep things along the line of when your body gets old it stops working. Keep it factual - your great grandpa's heart got tired because it worked so hard to keep him alive for so many wonderful years, or his body was done living because it had been doing so for so long.... Try to emphasize the length of his life and how wonderful it was so that she doesn't fear her own heart getting too tired. If you have any beliefs that you will see him again (I'm not an athiest, don't know exactly what you believe...) you can say so, or have her draw pictures of him, tell stories about him and how much you enjoyed having him here while he was alive... I hope this helps, and so sorry for your loss. K.

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Hi C.,
I'm so sorry for your loss. As devout atheists, my husband and I try to give our children real answers to their questions, including those about death. Just a couple weeks ago, their cousin's grandfather passed away. Though my kids are a little older than your daughter (11 and 7) we have had to deal with this subject in the past as well. We explain to them that (grandpa's) body lived for a long time, and it simply stopped working. We are born, we live, and we all will die someday. It happens to everything, and it's nothing that they should be afraid of. Then we talk about the person, how full their lives were, what they accomplished in their lives, the joy they brought to us, and how much we loved them and vice versa.

I'm also sorry that some people thought that this was an appropriate place and time to espouse their religious agendas. It certainly would be easier to explain everything in terms of "they're in heaven," "it's god's plan..." and end it there, but as we atheists know, that is just not the truth. Our world view requires more thought, and is sometimes trickier to explain in terms for our little ones to understand.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

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Sounds tough. I actually just read an article in Parent's Magazine about that. Here is the search on their site. There are a couple articles you might be interested in reading.

http://www.parents.com//parents/search/results.jsp?search...

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in January my uncle passed away and i had to explain it to her. I explained it with examples like the bugs that get sqwashed and the plants that die but i also explained to her that his heart stopped working like the batteries in her toys, But for people there are no batteries to replace ours,This led to 50 million questions that you have to answer over an d over until they are satified. then i had to explain why people cried at burrials and why we burrry the coffin. I told her that she sometimes losses her toys and forgets about them but people need a little more respect and so we burry them so we know where to go if we feel like remembering them when we miss them but they are always in our hearts and memories. and if they are there we don't loose him and can go visit his body we put him in a box and put him in the ground . And then the you have to explain that they are not alive and will never be again ( we are Semi buddist so we told her he'd be back some day as a new creature so maybe the ne4xt time a butterfly or bird came to say hi it could be him visiting but as an athiest maybe just leaving it would be enough) Sorry so long but maybe something we did will help you out

When my partner died when my son was three I took him outside and pointed to a star. I told him that was now my partner and he could go outside any night and chat with him. This seemed to work. Each night he would go out and point to the sky. After a while the going outside got less and less.

I definitely would NOT equate death with sleeping because it most likely would give the child issues about sleeping, and it's not true anyhow - death is not the same as sleeping.

I've only recently realized that I'm atheist, so I'm in the same boat, as far as talking to my kids about life events that have always been somehow connected to God, heaven, etc. A book entitled Parenting Beyond Belief (you can find it on Amazon.com) was recommended to me, and I got it but haven't delved into it yet. It's supposed to be a really good guide and resource for raising children outside the bounds of religion, and from what I understand, a portion of the book talks about how to talk to children about death and such without a religious connection.

Good luck!

Hi C.,

First, I agree with you...don't explain it as sleep. She may develop sleep problems as a result. My recommendation would be to go to your local hospice. They have counselors experienced in explaining death to children and it is no charge.

V.

In my nursing classes we are taught not to tell children that anyone who has died is sleeping, because then they think they can just wake them up. Your daughter doesnt need anymore confusion. Im not atheist but I have a hard time just the same because I am not a person that believes in "heaven". At 4 years old just explain it in terms she can understand....like a flower grows from a seed has a beautiful life and then gets old and then dies....or like a battery it has a long life then wears out and cant be used again. As far as why the body goes in the ground you can tell her its a nice place for family to go and remember the family member, or something like that. Mostly make it in terms she can understand, but dont lie.

I'm not a religious person, but consider myself spriritual. I often talk about the circle of life (that is touched upon in The Lion King). I think we go back into the earth to nourish those that continue to live. My daughter (7yrs) is naturally drawn to religion and God, and speeks about her grandfather (who passed away 3 years ago) regularly. She believes he's an angel and that he's in Heaven. She says she can feel him and see him at times. Although I don't share these beliefs I support her and don't discourage her, explaining that there are many different beliefs on this subject. Hope that helps a little.

I'm so sorry for your loss!

I am a Christian so when my mother died, I used that(those?) parameter(s?) to explain it to my children...

I tried to think of what I would do were I not a Christian and I have to say that The Lion King was the first thing that popped into my mind as well... I also really like the star thing that was posted below!!

Best wishes to you!!
Huggles!!
~S.~

4 yr olds usually accept short answers. just explain the cycle of life, we are born, live out our lives the best way we can, we grow old and die, but keeps on living within each of us, maybe we have great gandpa's smile, humor, a saying. its like we are a battery and can't be recharged. or memory card is full. i'm not atheist, but i hope i helped a little.

first off I am sorry for your loss. second I am not atheist but i believe just be straight with her nothing gory but not sugar coated. My son is her age and once saw a dead rat and said look its dead, A rat and beloved grandparent are polar opposites but what I'm saying is I used this approach to him cause he saw this on tv people dying etc and took it all in stride. I had to face him with this approach cause I went to my father in law's funeral my son looked at him in the coffin and said daddy( my husband and his father look the same) and asked if he's sleeping maybe she will maybe she won't take it in stride but you'd be surprised. kids tend to be tougher than we think. honesty goes along way with kids.

Hello,
Sorry for your loss. I have two thoughts to offer. One, perhaps, is to do the "Lion King " way of explaining the
"Circle of Life". No high power just everything is here for a time. The other depends more on your childs development and you science skills. You explain the process through science or even try to find an experiment to demonstrate it for you. There are also grief books out there for young children now that try to include everyone's views as to death.
I hope this helps generate some ideas of your own that will fit just right with what you want your child to learn from this new experience.
Good Luck
C. D.

I'm a Christian, so I can't speak from an atheist point of view but I would agree that explaining it as sleeping is not necessarily the way to go.

First of all,I'm so sorry for your loss. It must be a hard time,and it sure tugs at your heart to try to explain it to a child.

You want to be as truthful as you can, while being age appropriate for her understanding.

I don't know how he passed, but can you word it something like his body didn't work anymore and he died. I know some parents have explained in cases of a death from an injury that his/her body was hurt and it was too much and the doctor couldn't fix it this time. She may ask what happens after you die (most kids do at that age) and you'd have to try to figure out how to best word that, but maybe that after people die, that people that are still alive remember all the wonderful things about that person and hold those memories in their heart? And maybe you can plant a special plant, or do something to honor her great grandfather and share a happy memory of him?

Again, I'm very sorry.

Hi

My kids great grandma died when they were 6 and 4. We explained it differently to each child. My son, then 4, we told that Big Grammy got too sick for her body and heart to work anymore and that is how people die (we've been through our share of dead fish, mice, etc.). We told both of them that Big Grammy is still alive in our hearts and memories of her.
Take her to the cemetary so she can "visit" with him. I take my children and let them help put out flowers. My son is especially proud to help do this and make things look pretty for his Big Grammy. Sometimes they even say a couple things as if they were talking to her. Most kids do better with concrete experiences.

Hello C.,
We have very different beliefs, but I can advise that telling her that he is just sleeping is not the answer. What are your beliefs and perhaps you should share them with her. I might suggest getting some children's books on the subject, however, you might find them to have a Christian basis, which is defeating your purpose.

First of all, as an RN you learn never to tell a child someone who is dead is asleep. Children at this age do not realize that death is permanent. Developmentally, they do not understand this until they are are about age five. Children who are told that someone is in a deep sleep may become confused and become afraid of going to bed or of taking naps. Their though is great-grandpa went “to sleep” and hasn’t gotten up yet. Maybe I won’t wake up either. Also, do not say that they went away and aren't coming back because this may also scare them into thinking some people leave and don't come back for no reason. Or, if you tell them someone was sick so they died they don't understand severity of illnesses so if they get a cold they may fear death.
With young children you must explain things in very simple terms. For example: "when people die they do not breathe, eat, talk, think, or feel any more, when plants die they don't grow anymore." This will communicate that they are not coming back and that it is permanent.
Hope this helps. Sorry for your loss and good luck.

Hi - My mom passed away 2 1/2 years ago and I had to explain her death to my young children. The hospice who helped me through her death said it was very important NOT to say that she went to sleep because it would scare my children, especially when all of us went to sleep at night. They also explained it is very important to use real terms and to not sugarcoat it - like "she went away." There are some great children's books that help explain the life cycle and that avoid religious discussions - one was Waterbugs and Dragonflies. You can search on amazon.com with the keywords "explaining death to children" and there are a lot of options. Good luck! I know it's difficult.

We just had to deal with this with our 6 year old daughter the other day when we put our cat down. I never force my own beliefs on my daughter, but rather tell her all of the different beliefs and let her choose what she wants to believe. For example, I told her that some people believe your spirit goes to heaven and you become an angel, some believe your spirit returns to earth in another form, or some people believe that nothing happens. She takes from it what she wants and makes her own opinions/beliefs.

Although I am not an atheist I think I may be able to help you out. I came across this atricle in Parents Magazine that was on your very topic. It is in the April 2008 issue so you still might be able to get it. One thing it stressed is that you should not tell your child that the person who died "went to sleep". This will only confuse your child and may give her a fear of sleeping. You may also want to avoid telling her that he was sick, as this could scare her if she gets sick. She might think she could die from a cold. It is ok to say that her great geandpa died and will not be coming back. You can then explain thats what happens when people get old. Kids need concrete examples to understand. I hope this helps. Dealing with your situation can't be easy. I will be thinking of you and praying that your daughter is comforted during this time.

has your child ever had a family pet? if your child is sensitive to things like that it makes it hard to explian (but im sure you know that!) did the grand mother have a favorite place to go? like the beach? try telling your child that she went to this place to live and wont be back for a long time and say that she misses your child very much. but if you think your child could understand emotionally what death is then try to explain that she died and everywhere your child goes her grandma is with her. it was very hard for me to stay away from a religious answer but i did my best. good luck!

I am also atheist, but when my children were young, we told them they become angels, and watch over people. They do not have to be told they go to heaven, in order to be told they'll become angels. You could also say that when people die, they live on through the trees and the flowers. When they get older, they will understand what you mean a bit more. They might be too young to discuss decomposition, and thus providing nutrients to the earth.

I say, tell her something nice and fluffy...even if it is not what you believe. Do you perpetuate the Santa or Easter Bunny myth? Why not let her have nice feelings about death too?
When I was a little girl, I asked my mother what happens when we die, and she responded, "nothing, they just bury your body in the ground, you decompose, and that's it." Needless to say, this started me crying and I can still remember the hopelessness and terror that I felt. To this day, I'm still very troubled with death, probably more so than others, and preoccupied with thinking of "the end". Hope this helps!

Hi
My son's preschool teacher told him "when you get older your heart beats slower and slower and then it stops". Not sure if I agree with this explanation or not, but he seemed to understand it. However, I dont think kids truely understand the permanence of death until they are about 7 years old
Good luck

Dear C.,
please tell your precious daughter, that death is part of life. It is the end of the "full circle". I feel saddened by the notion, that you are lacking words for that part of human existence. My heart will pray for you, that in due time you'll be able to have a different understanding of creation.For now, please try to avoid "story telling" to your child. Please don't feel in any way, that I'd want to convert or convince you of any other believe - that is not my intention at all. Best wishes for your successful and satisfying explanation of passing away.

Children can surprise us by how much they can understand and comprehend certain things.

You can say he went on a very long trip far away and he could not say goodby but he loves her very much and always thinks of her.
Then later when she asks more questions you can explain more. Death is always hard to accept at any age. But the way you feel yourself about death when you are talking about it will help her create her own feeling about it.

Why not explain to her that people like trees come to an end and that is called death. You don't have an answer on where they go or if they go somewhere.

What about watching the lion king... The dead king lives in the heart of the child. a star in the sky...

You acknowledge the sadness that she might feel by not being able to see her grandpa and then give her the love and support to cheer her up. The degree of support you will give her is the crucial point of her feeling abandoned or not.

I haven't had to deal with this subject yet, but my mom told us that people need to die in order to have room for new babies to be born (something along those lines, probably with more sensitivity). The joke is that shortly after talking with me about this, my grandmother was asking me about family relations (who is an aunt, uncle, etc.) and when she asked me what she will be to my children, I responded 'You'll be dead'. Luckily she took it all in stride.

-M.

I am not an athiest, but I think you need to be honest with your children. Think about what you believe happens when you die. Then simplify. If you believe you just die and nothing else happens then maybe you explain specifically how he died. Be careful how you explain it though. I thik if you say something like "going to sleep" I think you will scare her like you said. Also, you don't want to scare her by saying people die when they get sick because she'll be afraid of getting sick. I explained to my daughters that everyone has a time on earth and when that time is up on earth you die. It doesn't matter how you die, but that is your day. And no one knows when their day is.

Good Luck

Hi. I am not athiest but when my grandmother died, my son was 3 and I had a similar dilemma. I didn't know how to prepare him for the wake/funeral and how to explain her absence. I also feared explaining it as "going to sleep" because he was a horrible sleeper his first year and I didn't want to say anything that might upset his sleep again. Anyway, I read a few books our children's librarian recommended. The best advice in them was to explain that "when you are alive, your body can do lots of things -- sleep, run, jump, eat, laugh, play, cry, etc. ... When you die, your body just stops working and doesn't do any of those things anymore." You can matter-of-factly explain whatever customs your family follows to deal with the body itself -- in my grandmother's case I explained that her body would be put in a big soft box that looks a bit like a bed and after the funeral we would bury the box in the cemetery. The oddball thing was, one of the books noted that children who view the body in the coffin (where you can see the upper body but not the legs) will often ask what happened to the deceased person's feet? I thought that sounded just ridiculous -- until at my grandmother's wake, as soon as my son took a look at her in the coffin he piped up," Where are her feet?") I nearly fell over. So the book was right on target! Kids will ask a lot of mindblowing questions about death and will probably want some reassurance against whatever fears they develop. You will have to decide what you are comfortable telling your daughter about heaven, an afterlife, spirituality, whether a spirit watches over us, etc. Those questions are so individual and personal! But as to the physical explanation, the answers in the book I read hit the nail on the head -- just keep emphasizing that a body cannot do what a living person can do because it's no longer alive. I can't remember the name of the book but it was very helpful. Good luck!

After I read the recent post saying some people used the post to espouse religeous ideas, I had to read them all. In my opinion each and every one was a heartfelt sharing and nothing more. Sharing of ideas goes both ways, doesn't it?
Onward... I agree, the book, "The fall of Freddy the leaf" is very sweet.
There is also an article out there, written by Fred Rogers, (Mister Rogers) called "explaining death to preschoolers" which is excellent. As you may recall, he had a wonderful way of speaking with children and adults!
I trust you are a loving and smart woman, who will just sift through all of the lovely ideas your mamasource friends have shared without being easily offended.
Warmly,
L. P

Check out "Lifetimes" by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen.

I always wondered exactly what being Atheist means, I once knew a friend who said they were atheist then her boy at age 12 was hit by a car, it was bad, as I went to go visit them she was praying for help, yet she was atheist. My thought on this is.. I feel its fine to have who you believe in or don't believe in, but to teach your child your beliefs at such an early age, I took my kids out to the side walk on a suuny day , showed them their shadow, I explained to them that is what goes to heaven, a pretty place up in the clouds. The body doesn't go any place, your body goes to sleep, and your shadow goes up into the clouds. I would allow her to visit grt grandpas grave why not, better yet ask great grandpa to visit her. I am sure he does... I only wish mama source had photos you could post in the messages, I am sure I would change your mind about spirit.

Although I'm not an atheist, I believe that we 're all really just guessing at what happens after we die. The way I explained it to my 4 year old is that, simply, we go back to where we were before we were born. I take every opportunity to mention the life/death cycle in nature, etc. For example, he brought me a leaf that was dried out, and I showed it to him beside a healthy, green one and we talked about the difference. I ended it by saying, "see, everything comes into the world new and fresh, and over time, it changes, gets older, and at some point, dies. This happens to every living thing...plants, bugs, animals, and even people. But that's okay. This is the natural way of things."

He seems to feel very accepting of this explanation. Hope this helps.

There is a book called The Fall of Freddy the Leaf. It is a book about death written for children. I'm sure your local library has a copy.