4 Year Old Friend Doesn't Want to Play

Well, it could be a number of things. I'm guessing it is an age difference thing. Is the little girl in Kindergarten? Kids seem to become aware of their ages when they are in elementary school because they are around a lot of older kids. They idolize the older kids and don't want to be called the "baby" or "little" kid.

Now that they are focused on being big, it may be difficult to play with the younger kids. My daughter (6) played with a 10 yr old girl during the summer and often her 6 yr old brother didn't want to play (too hot). She became attached to her and disappointed when school started that this girl didn't want to play.

We explained to my daughter that we know she was buddies with a little girl across the street during the summer, but now that school is back in session kids are wanting to play with kids in their classes. We explained that the little girl can still like her but that she likes to play with kids her own age because they have a lot in common (friends, teachers, experiences, etc). We related it to the age difference between her and her sister (2 years) and how sometimes it is fun to play things with her and some times she just wants to do things with her friends who are in her classes. Eventually, when the newness of the situation wears off, she will most likely want to play again periodically.

Question is, does this girl you speak of have access to play with friends her own age (or older) in the evenings? If so, she may be comparing and choosing the older.

I would consider finding alternative activities for your son for a little while and try to give the little girl some space. Tell him that she may have some things that she wants to do on her own during the evenings and that he needs to be patient. Then in a week or so, have him go see her. Try again in a few days. Let her have a little space and she'll probably want to play again. That's my thought. She's probably just trying to wrestle with the big kid/little kid identity and doesn't realize how it makes your child feel. Most importantly, be careful not to make you son feel like he's not important or like he's not big enough to be important. Just offer that kids sometimes like different friends and friends their own age... something he can't change so he doesn't feel compelled to try to change it.

(Also, maybe you could quietly ask the mom if she thinks her daughter is just wanting some space or if she is wanting older interraction. You could help facilitate a better bond if you help your child respect the girl's wishes.)

Good luck.
Liz

Hi S.! I know I'm a little late in responding, but I just had to! I'm the "Mom of the little girl" in this situation. I have an 8 year old girl who truly enjoys her alone time. She loves her friends and playing in groups, too, but somedays she just wants to be alone. (Don't we all?) There is a little boy about a year younger than her who would constantly come over and she would simply tell him she didn't feel like playing. At first I was embarrassed by this, but then realized if she doesn't want to play, she doesn't want to play! I don't think she was being mean to him. I'm actually pretty good friends with this kids mom, so we talked about it a little. I suggested that maybe he call first, or wait until we call him - don't just show up on the doorstep uninvited. She was cool about it. The boy finally figured it out and stopped coming over so much. They'll play together fine when the whole neighborhood is out running around. I guess it's all a part of being a kid.

It could be like many relationships where it was great for a time, but now it's fizzled a bit.

I would talk to the mom and ask if it would be appropriate to have the kids play together on a schedule so no one feels used or overwhelmed. Maybe there's something else going on with the family/girl and you can open the conversation about how the kids don't seem to be playing as well together lately.

Even with bigger kids we may say not here, not if they don't have a ride, etc. It's not that the kid is rude or that we don't like them, but their timing or needs (like rides or food) might be a problem.

So...talk to the mom and go from there. If the girl no longer wants to play (or she's perpetually rude), then find other activities for your son.

Did they play at both your houses or did your son always go over to the neighbors? Do you know if the girls Mom feels like you are counting on her for free babysitting? Or maybe the girl is in kindergarten now and feels that playing with a pre-schooler is too babyish for her now or she has play dates with other kids from her class. It's hard to tell without some communication between you two. When I was growing up, there was a girl on our block who was only allowed to play with other girls or her brothers and no other boys, which was weird for me because I played with everyone in the neighborhood, boys and girls alike. Just call your neighbor and explain your son thinks of the girl as his best friend and he misses her, then ask if there is some sort of problem that she might be aware of. Don't accuse anyone of anything. It may be the girl wants to play more girl games now that would not interest your son. It helps if you can get your son involved in something like a Little Gym class or tae kwon do so he can meet some other playmates and make friends so he is not dependent on the whims of one person. Once he's in to school himself, he'll have a LOT more friends.

If the little girl started kindergarten, she probably has things to do in the afternoons with her new classmates. I'd find another friend for your child.

She's older and she's probably moved on... you know?

I've never had a problem with neighbor kids dropping by, most of our playdates start that way :-) However, my 5 year old girl is in Kindergarten now and when she gets home what she really wants is a snack and some alone time, she even ignores her brother. They really ask a lot of the kids in K and this close to the beginning of the school year she is still adjusting. As someone else mentioned, this is also the start of the boys vs girls age. My daughter even created a "no boys" sign to hang on her door as retaliation when my 7 year old son and his friend tried to exclude her one day.

I am not sure what is going on with this particular family, but I can say that with some families, the push for academics and extracurricular activities keeps children extremely busy at the age of 5 and sometimes even younger. This push to learn more at an earlier age seems to be intensified during the school year. My 6 year old daughter, for example, takes Madarin, Latin, piano and human anatomy on top of regular studies (plus she has skipped a grade). She is currently under medical restriction from sports, but once she gets better she will also return to taekwondo and possibly gymnastics. While we would love to be friends with people in our neighborhood, we just do not have the time in our current lives to do this. She does play some at her Mandarin / human anatomy after care and also some with children who she has known for a couple of years... but we do not play as much with neighborhood kids as we used to when she was four years old or younger. With some children (my daughter included), full time school (private kindergarten) starts at age 4 1/2 and sports become busier. At the age of 5, my daughter did full time school and 5 or 6 days of week of tkd as well as art and gymnastics or yoga (she did both at different times during the year). It could be that this family really does appreciate your family and your child, but just does not have the time they had during the summer.

My recommendation is to invite the little girl over, through her parents, by phone or e-mail, for some playtime on the weekend. Then depending on what the response is, take it from there. This may precipitate a conversation between you and the other mother about what has been going on lately.
My daughter has been going through something similar. She's 8, as is her friend. They've been best friends for years, but he's turning her away sometimes as he branches out to other guy friends. And he does not stop by to ask her to play as he used to. She has been feeling pretty hurt by it. She talks to him about it, and he's explained himself, and the bottom line is that he's got other friends he really wants to spend time with. The gender thing may be an issue too, because the boy has an older brother who has teased the two of them about being boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, at the end of the day it's either a friendship that works or doesn't, and even if it works, it may not work in the same way as it used to. That's how I'm seeing it. I hope your boy won't end up feeling too hurt, but even if he feels hurt, it will fade. You're great to care so much.

To get a sense if there is really a problem, why don't you plan something more directly. Call the mom or e-mail her and say, "Can she come over to play next Tuesday after school between 3 and 5?" Force a response.

However, there seems to be a bigger problem looming in your request. You said they are an "extremely nice family," but you also say she can be ugly and they don't answer the door. If they give "an excuse" why do you think it's not true?

Maybe you need to not just send your son over but maybe you need to schedule with mom. They may feel YOU aren't being polite. I personally like to plan playtime and not just send my kids out to the neighbors or to raom the streets. Are you being sensitive here??

On the other hand, your request indicates that you don't REALLY tink they are being nice to your son. So why force it. Get you son busy and explain that they have lots of other committments or need family time. You can also simply say that you don't know why she is acting this way, and you can't see inside someone's private world and you just have to give it a break until you can figure it out. And if it is appropriate, you should also explain that sometimes people aren't polite and you feel this might be the case so YOU are taking a break form the family. Be honest, don't make stuff up.

I will say that five year old girls can be tough. THey like girls and SAY they don't like boys. They can be bossy and a little snotty. But that doesn't mean it's okay. Don't let any other child be "ugly" to your son. If she is then YOU should end the playdates.

If you are friendly wiht the Mom, by all means bring this up. But if you feel that she is part of the problem, then I don't know what good that will do.

I have learned that many familys dont want to be bothered with play dates. I have a neighbor that does the same. She just doesnt want to be bothered. Maybe you should ask if the child can come to your house and see if that will fly.

It's hard to see your child get their feelings hurt. Does your son notice that she's acting badly with him? When that happened to my son I just made sure my son had other activities planned and other kids to play with. He was sad that they couldn't come out to play but he never realized that they were being mean to him. I told him that we should probably stop asking them to come out to play and wait for them to come ask him out since "they were obviously really busy". I didn't make excuses for them or try and guess what might be up. She might be really busy with kindergarten and it takes a while to get used to or maybe something happened between the kids that to your son wasn't a big deal but to the other child was. Or sad as it is maybe she just is outgrowing the games they used to play together. Ask your son how he is feeling about it. He'll probably tell you the truth and take it from there. At least that way if you decide to talk to the other parent you can say what he feels. Good luck.

Unfortunately, that is the age when girls want to just play with girls (unless taught otherwise). Talk with the mom. It may be that her daughter just wants to play dolls and your son doesn't (or isn't asked if he would like to). Good luck.