My Son Is Unhappy at Preschool

Hi J.-
We just had a very similar situation around here lately. I let my son start preschool a couple mornings a week during the school year when he was 3. I'm a full time stay at home mom, and evenings and weekends away are few and far between. So, I was a little concerned about him and the whole social thing. Anyway, the first year went GREAT. He was one of the youngest there, and everything was wonderful. Then, last year, he was one of the oldest there, and we'd had our second child right before school started up again. Last year was not so good. He would get upset in the mornings about not wanting to go, said he didn't like it, etc. He also started having to sit in time out sometimes too. He'd never had to do that the first year. Anyway, after a lot of thought and talking with friends who are teachers, I decided to let him go to a different preschool that his class would only be kids his age that are going to be going to kindergaten next year. So far it's been wonderful. He loves it and wants to go every day. He's actually kind of sad when it's not his day to go! My point in this story is, preschool is way too young to develop the "I don't like school" attitude, and the fact that you see there may be a problem is not something to be taken lightly. It's not doing your son or you any good to be miserable. There's a lot more of my thought process on this and specifics. Message me if you'd like to discuss further. Good luck to you both!!

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Dear J.,
My son just started pre-school, so I am going to write from different spectrums: one as a retired professional and one as a mom. Children adapt and change at different rates, they also change moods daily and moment by moment, as you are very aware. Now, I only have one son to your three, but if my son went more than one day, unhappy and dissappointed about school, I would consider taking him out, but only after a consitent pattern was shown. This past summer, as a test for pre-school, I had my son in "WEE-Y-Camp" at the YMCA. There were days where he would say, he did not want to go, he did not like it, but I realized that was only a part of his "separation anxiety" because in the beginning he would just run in the class and wave me off. He just had delayed anxieties. At the end of the day, he was grinning and laughing. Now, what you have to pay attention to, is his patterns, which it sounds like you are already doing. How long has his "sadness" been displayed? Have you and he given this a chance, yet, or has it just been a couple of days? Is he bored because they are doing the same things over again. Some parents start their children in pre-K at age 3, only to place them back again at age 4, without realizing that their children do not require the repetition. Although some children need the repetition, whereas others are advance enough, the repetition does not stimulate them?? Please understand that I am not trying to undermine any of your parenting decisions, I honestly do not know anything about you and am not trying to offend, I just am questioning why a child would like school one year and not the next, so please bear with me. Another idea is: there could have been a child last year and/or this year that he was close to and that child is no longer there and/or a bully could have been there and/or a bully is there now. Other reason(and my favorite): He may just want to be at home with Mommy one more year before Kindergarten. You are the most "in-tuned" factor to your son, then his teachers. Only you and he can find a plan that best "suites" him and his learning/away readiness.
Make sure there is a pattern, make sure he is sincere and most of all listen to your heart and your instincts. You will do the best thing. You are his Mommy.
My Best Wishes, M. N.
p.s. Hi again J., I just read what Erin wrote and it brought another thought to mind. I enjoyed her note and suggestion as well. We, as moms, also have to remember that there really is no need to rush our children to grow up so fast either. Society is so concerned about rushing our children that I am one who desires my son to stay a child as long as he can, that is why my husband and I waited until he was four this summer to enter him into an external "school-like" environment. He has learned more from my "home-schooling" him anyway, than they teach him in Pre-school.
He is mainly there to learn socialism and develop friendships with peers his own age and to learn direction from other adults. Remember You are his first and best teacher.
I hope I stated that prior.

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It really isn't neccessary to send your kid to preschool, so you may want to keep him home until he starts kindergarten. It sounds like he just wants his mommy, and why not, he's only 4. I would keep him home until it's time for kindergarten. There are many ways your son can associate w/ other children w/o having to leave him.

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Have you thought about a pre-K program? My daughter was too young to start Kindergarten (an October birthday) but was ready to move beyond preschool We took her to the Downtown Children's Center (don't even know if it's around anymore, but I'm sure there are other pre-K programs out there...

It was the best thing - she was with children her own age, she was being challenged more (starting to learn Kindergarten stuff but in a more relaxed way). I was worried she'd be bored in Kindergarten, but the program wasn't as "strict" (a relative term) as school would be..it was perfect.

Hope this helps!
S.

It is so heartbreaking for us moms to see our children unhappy. I would suggest either sending him fewer days or switching preschools if possible. I think he will be fine when kindergarten starts; it sounds like the class set up is what is bothering him. He will have new kids next year who are all about his age so making friends will be easier. He may miss you, he may not be really ready for four days (one year makes a big difference-he will be ready for kindergarten when he has had the year to mature), or he may simply not like his teachers or his peers (sometimes, we moms like teachers that our children do not). Good Luck! K.

There may be lots of things going on here. What was "happy" for your other kids may not be "happy" for this one. He just may not be a happy go lucky kid.
Another thing is that he is happy when your not there and when you pick him up, he remembers that you were not there and then he becomes unhappy.

My best guess is going to be something you will probably have to deal with for a long time. Since your son is the youngest of your children and the oldest in his class, he may just be too mature for the other kids in the class. My son has been like this his whole life. As a kid, he had no true peers in his class. He related to the adults and still does, he's now 17 years old. It has only been in the last year or so that he has found some classmates that he doesn't consider "idiots". He still feels pretty surrounded by "idiots" Of course, they are not "idiots" but they are just too immature for him.

We saw a girl who had gone to school with him but moved away last year. She couldn't believe that he was now "happy" She had never seen him this way before.

Since school is age driven rather than maturity driven, this may be an issue for you for a long time. My son was pretty miserable at school. Unfortunately, most of my counsel was that he was just going to have to suck up and deal, try to find someone you can tolerate, and have him spend after school time with adults, music lessons, language lessons, something one on one without other kids his age. You may want to think of individual sports, swimming, golf, tennis.

I'd be curious to see how things are in a few more months.

I am a mom of 5 kids... 3 boys who are 17, almost 4, and 2. And 2 girls that are 10 and 8. My heart goes out to your little preschooler. I am a firm believer in listening to your little guy. If he is unhappy then listen to him. He may just not be ready for that much time away from Mommy. All kids develop differently and he might just be feeling a little lost in that environment. I would drop him to 2 days and make sure to have the 2 days at home have some quality time with you in them. And if that doesn't work after a couple of weeks then bring him home. Six months or a year will make all the difference. However, make sure that he gets that he is not quitting but that you just miss him and need him home and he is going next year. You know, by law he need not be in school till he is 7. You choose where/when he is ready! Many blessings~!!

I've worked in child care for many years and when I see a child not really socializing with other kids, I do two things. I respect that sometimes they just want their own space, but I also encourage 1-on-1 interaction with another classmate that I think might make a good fit. I might start the two off on a game of catch or on a puzzle together--or whatever they choose.

It may be just a matter of introducing the two. Maybe your son needs help learning how to approach other children. I think it's actually pretty common for kids not to know how to ask other kids if they can play with them. I know some kids do it by bothering them or knocking down their building or something if they are unsure how to approach others. It's a skill that sometimes has to be taught. Maybe you could ask his teachers if they can find another child who they can help initiate interactions with at least once a day, every day. You, the teachers, and your son could also find a phrase that he could say if he wants to ask someone if he can join their activity.

best wishes!

Just a thought, but have you ever thought of homeschooling? I have a three-year old son and a five-year old that we homeschool. But they have totally different learning styles. My five-year old loves traditional school work, art, and science. My three-year old is a very play-based learner. He learns best by hands-on methods. Because we homeschool, I have been able to tailor their learning to fit both of their styles and energy levels.

K.

I just went through the same thing with my son 3. He was so excited to start school then after 1 1/2 weeks got really sad about it. Said it was too loud and too crowded. The only reason I put him was so he could socialize with kids his age. Academically he knows all the stuff that you learn in Preschool. I decided he is too young to be stressed-out so I pulled him out. I'll try again later when he is older. I don't look at preschool as a necessity. As long as you are teaching your son so that he is at the level he should be start kindergarten, I wouldn't worry about it. I have decided to sign-up for a bunch of activites on saturday mornings where he will get a chance to be around kids but I will be there as well. I believe you as his mom will know in your heart what is good for your son.

Hi, J.. Is your son bored? Does he have a hard time socializing in general? Was he different from last year? Are any of his old friends from last year in the same class? He could miss the class from last year. He may be unhappy that he is the only one left from last year, and he seeks comfort in the familiar- the teachers. If he is not very social in other situations, he may just struggle with having new kids in the room. My son just dropped all his confindence when he walked into his preschool classroom. It was so hard to watch. It was an emotional struggle for me, but I knew he needed to be there to adapt to other teachers and children. Would your son do better being in a class with others his age? What does he say when you ask him? Can you pop in and look at different times of the day to see if he keeps the same unhappy look throughout all the day. I think he needs this year to be a positive experience for him. You don't want him thinking Kindergarten will be the same. Maybe trying something new is what he needs- maybe not, and a little more time for him to adjust will be all it takes. Let the teachers know you are concerned and have them monitor the situation closely to see when and how long he is unhappy. They should be pairing him up with people too, to see if that will help. Good Luck. God Bless.

I would repeat what the other moms have said: you know your son best and miserable and stressed out is no way for a child to start their educational "career."
The only other suggestion I have is this: Maybe you could try to set up some playdates with kids in the class that he would like to know better. Perhaps it's harder for him to connect with kids in the classroon environment. If he has some friends among his classmates, it might improve his feelings about school.

Hi J.,
Little kids are excellent mirrors. He is picking up on your own unhappiness and sharing it with you.
You gave me the clue as to what the problem is when you said you are not ready to have all your kids in school.
Try really hard to be upbeat and excited about his school day, and don't let him see your sad face or hear you say anything sad or wistful about him going to school.
As hard as it is, don't hang around peeking in the window either. It's not good for either of you.
Cheer up ! As one season of life comes to a close, an exciting new season of life begins. You may miss a lot of the fun of this new season if you are unable to let go of the last.