Seeking Advice on Dealing with Mean Girls..

I haven't read all the replies, but did a search and didn't find this...

There's a book called "Odd Girl Out". I haven't read it yet, but it's about girl bullying. You might get a copy from the library or a bookstore. My daughter is in preschool and I'm seeing some mean girl issues already. It seems so young!

The elementary school in my neighborhood (Richardson ISD) has a zero bullying policy and they do a lot of programs about being compassionate, etc. I wonder if you talk with the school if they'd do a similar program? I wish my daughter's school would do such a program.

Good luck.

S.

I think you should talk to the girls' parents, and the teacher. You should find it resolved quickly, and the girls' parents should be willing to help...they probably don't want "mean girls" either : )

I would ask the teacher to observe, and enforce the attitude "You don't have to be best friends with everyone, but you do have to be friends." If that doesn't work, I would place her in private school, where it is a more conservative atmosphere.

I agree with what has been said. Also, I would contact the moms of these two girls. I had to make a couple calls like this when my daughter was that age (and RECEIVED a call or two - for which I was grateful) and I always started the conversation with something like, "I hope you don't mind my calling you. This is awkward for me but I think it's important that we moms keep an open line of communication. If the roles were reversed, I would hope you would call me and let me know." Then, just tell her what your daughter has told you. Don't get into "my neighbor said..." and don't expect her to apologize or solve it. You're only job is to make her aware and tell her that if she ever sees your daughter acting inappropriately, you hope she will call you. Also, to not sound accusatory, I would say things like, "I'm sure it's not intentional and our girls are still so young, I don't think they realize when they say something that causes hurt feelings."

Good luck to you. I can tell you now it only gets worse (sorry!). My daughter is now 12. The earlier you can instill good values and set a good example yourself, the better.

M.,
First of all I would have a sit down with your daughter and tell her how to be a strong girl and not a follower. Ask her questions, get feed back from her, need to really find out why she wants to hang with these girls. Ask her how it makes her feel when people are mean to her, and then ask her how does she feel she makes other people feel. Let her know how valuable she is and she doesn't have to be someone else's side-kick. Tell her how you feel and that you don't think these girls are the right girls to hang out with. Do you know someone else in her class and encourage her to hang around that person. You need to give her the tools to make her strong minded girl that demands respect. Build her up, her confidence, let her know that she's a smart beautiful girl and don't let anyone walk on her or they will do it for the rest of her life.
Most importantly, Pray for her, let her know God only made one of her, because she's special and unique, one of a kind. And he NEVER makes mistakes!
God Bless

Hi,
Sorry your daughter is going through this! Mine is 7 and she has gone through similar situations. I talked to the girls mom and told her that her little girl was being mean to mine- she was mean on the bus, calling her names, pinching her and telling her that she didn't like her. My daughter would come home in tears, but she still wanted to play with this little girl. I finally told my daughter that she was no longer allowed to play with her. When she asked why, I told her that friends don't treat friends they way the other little girl was treating her. I asked her to look really hard for other little girls at recess who seemed lonely or needed a friend and to play with them.
We have kept that challenge up and she has made many new friends. The other little girl was mean for about a month after my daughter told her they could no longer be friends until she was nice and then she started being nice to my little girl! Before we moved down here, they became good friends.
I would talk to your daughter about how these girls are treating her and let her know that friends don't make friends feel bad or treat each other that way. Challenge her to find someone who needs a friend and to play with them. If the bullying continues, I would talk to the school to have them keep an eye on things and I would also talk to the parents. I know if my daughter was like that, I would want to know so I could talk to her.
Good luck. It is really hard being the parent and watching stuff like this happen to your child- Give her lots of hugs!
~C.

This is definitely a "teachable" moment. I'm just saddened that children experience this at such a young age. Aside from talking with her daughter about choosing friends, what is a good friend... trying to steer clear of the "mean girls" etc, you may also need to alert the teacher if you haven't already. Sometimes these girls can be sneaky - a lot happens on the playground, at lunch.. or other times when supervision isn't quite as good. If the teacher is aware, he/she can keep an eye on the situation. We also have a super counselor at our elementary and she deals with this kind of thing and can help the girls through it (both ends). I always reminded my daughter that the mean girls will find it hard to have friends after they alienate everyone with their behavior/attitudes. Usually there is some underlying reason why children are "mean". Sometimes it's their home environment or something else going on that makes them sad or want to "control" situations and others at school - I have been very open about explaining this kind of thing to my children. My daughter is now a 5th grader and she has pretty good perspective on the "mean" stuff that goes on. She stays away from it and kind of has an attitude of compassion/sadness for the girls and boys who are mean. Again, this is a fabulous teaching moment. I wish you luck! Oh, and since it is getting toward the end of the year and class placement for next year will be happening soon... it is well within your rights to request your daughter to not be in class next year with the girls who are giving her a hard time. Administration has to look at personalities and split kids up all the time... another reason to make sure that the school (teacher/counselor/principal) knows what is happening. Welcome to school - where the children really begin all sorts of learning - academic and otherwise! There are a lot of influences out there, so this is where you can really begin to help her form her own character and values. Don't apologize for being a "mama bear" - it's what makes you the very best advocate for your child! I wish you and your daughter the best!

You are smart to worry that these girls will rub off on her. Try to deter her from wanting to be thier friend. Set up playdates with other girls. Luckily at this age you can control who she plays with outside of school. If you can distract her with a new friend or two, that will help. Call another mom and see if she wants to meet after school at the park for a play date. Also talk to your daughter, without mentioning any names, about what kind of friend you expect her to be and how important it is to be nice to everyone and treat people as you would want to be treated. Good luck, girls are full of fun and drama. This will be the begining of lots of it!!

Take a look at the mothers of these two girls and you will probably see the same behavior. This is sad, but in most cases true and makes talking to the parents a lost cause.

This is not a new problem among girls it has been going on for generations. However, with the increased media access(internet, cable,movies), clothing designers, and some toys, it is affecting our daughters at a younger age. Take a look at your own circle of friends starting at lets say Jr High. You had a Ring Leader (the Queen Bee) and you had her followers (the Drones). If the Queen decided that dresses were no longer "cool" then NO ONE wore dresses. Some of us grow out of the phase but others do not and pass it on to a whole new generation.

There is a really good book that I read a few years ago when dealing with this in my Oldest daughter: Queen Bees and Wannabes. It does a great job at reminding us what it was like to go through this situation as a girl and how to deal with it as a grown woman.

D.
SAHM of three:19,18,and 5. Home baker and candy maker. Married to the same wonderful man for almost 12 years.

I think it's time to practice some reverse snobbery (although of course you don't want to really do it for that reason!). It's human nature to be drawn to the one or two persons who don't like us or who are being mean to us. I think it's important to actively manage this situation so that your daughter doesn't develop a martyr complex or get hooked on the negative feelings of always trying to be friends with people who reject her or treat her in a very conditional manner. We do get "addicted" to certain negative feelings about ourselves! Imagine if she transfers that dynamic to a boyfriend situation later! Now is the time to set a new rule: you are not allowed to play with Sarah and Jane (whoever). Suddenly, Sarah and Jane have lost their power!! That gives power to your daughter - important power we all need to set boundaries with people who mistreat us and to protect ourselves - and it gives her the special protection and value that she needs from you. (if my mom won't let me play with them, they must be the "bad" guy and not me!).

I would do this carefully. You don't want to build a "gotcha" attitude in your daughter or make her feel like the right response is to hurt someone back, but you do want to let her know that their treatment of her is unacceptable and that you won't allow it - and that you hope soon she will understand that she doesn't have to allow it, either (so that when she's older, she sets these good boundaries on her own). I also think you should talk to the moms of these girls, regardless of how they may respond. As another person said, do it in an upbeat, positive way, so they know you're not getting all over them and making them defensive. Just bring it to their attention. I just think what goes around, comes around! If your daughter was ever doing this, you would want to know! And I don't think the girls' behavior means the moms are probably like this, too. Meanness is just a part of human nature, and sometimes a certain combination of personalities brings it to the fore. If one of the moms has had private qualms about this friendship, this may be the information she needs to move forward with setting her own boundaries for her daughter. I would also tell the teacher(s), but I would go beyond that and tell the school counselor, as well. She is often the one who handles those kinds of issues, and she may have some great tricks up her sleeve to get a great outcome with all the girls involved. And she may know issues that even the teacher doesn't know, about home life, other meanness, etc. She could also talk to the other moms on your behalf, or set up a meeting of all the girls and/or all the moms...lots of options with the school counselor.

Last, I would proactively work towards developing other friendships, as others have suggested. I would talk to my daughter about how to feel and think towards these mean girls, and I would tell her it is important to forgive them and be willing to give them another chance if they want to become real friends later. But I would make sure she understands on some level how to evaluate if they are sincere, and how to be prepared to set a boundary again. I have a 1st grader and we are surrounded them on our block, which is fun, but it means this type situation comes up occasionally, because one child may be naturally more aggressive and bully-ish than the others, or two of the kids may suddenly bond strongly and want to leave others out. It does bring out our various mama bears! But we've also as parents have learned to work through it, and we try to teach and demonstrate that to our children. I think one of the most important lessons in life is learning how to set and observe healthy boundaries, so I would recommend you consider reading a book on boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend (they've written several). http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/d... Even just a glimpse through it on amazon.com might give you useful information. Good luck, again!

I'm sorry this is so long, and I hope it doesn't sound bossy! I'm sorry for your daughter's experience, but glad that you are trying to find a positive way to handle it. Best wishes!

I'm just re-reading that last bit in your message, and I would say two things: you can't control your daughter's school environment, but you have a lot of power and "right" to influence it strongly, so don't get intimidated! Go to the principal if you have to. Lastly, in extreme situations, these things don't get better and it is actually a good idea to move to a new school. That's very difficult and extreme and not likely in your situation, but having heard many stories of being bullied or snubbed, and the person experiencing it really suffers for years with the after-affects. That's in extreme cases! And you should go as far as you have to with parents, teachers, and administration before getting to that solution!

Hi M.,

I haven't read all of the suggestions but I have read a couple of them. My thoughts as I read some of the other responses were:

1. If you talk to the other girl's parents, you most likely won't get a good response and may create an even bigger problem for your daughter if the parents make fun of your daughter in front of their own daughters (sounds ridiculous but unfortunately there are parents out there who do that and they usually are the parents of the "mean girls").

2. I noticed homeschooling was suggested quite a bit. Unfortunately, dealing with mean girls is something your daughter will have to learn how to do....she needs to know how to survive in the real world! It's much better to learn to deal with them in kindergarten than to be an adult out in the real world trying to deal with them at work or college and not have the experience to do so!

3. You could forbid your daughter to play with these girls but that will probably just make the girls seem more interesting to your daughter (especially since she sees them as interesting already)....kind of like forbidden fruit!

My advice would be to let your daughter know how inappropriate these other girl's behaviors are. Don't forbid her from playing with these girls but encourage her to keep away from them. For instance: if Jane and Suzy are around and they aren't asking you to play, find someone else to play with. Explain to your daughter about looking for other girls who look interested in playing and treating the other girls the way she would want to be treated. Also, tell your daughter, "If someone gives you conditions for playing, they are not a true friend and they are not the best person to hang out with." Give your daughter examples of a true friend's behavior and encourage her to seek out that type of friend. Make it into a game and encourage her to find someone like that and then come home and tell you about her as soon as she gets home. Encourage her to hang on to that good friend and together find another friend who meets the "good friend" criteria...and then tell you about it and so on. Eventually, she will have a large group of friends and the mean girls will only have each other. The majority rules and the mean girls will be forced to shape up!

I also advise you to inform the teacher of what has been going on. Teachers sometimes have insight on these things. For instance, I'm sure there are children at school that your daughter is just not that into. If those children approached her every day and then got mad at her for not playing with them, she might get so bothered by them that she begins to be not so pleasant to them. I'm not saying that is ok by all means, but I do know that happens and teachers need to be on the look out and help the child who is not wanted in a particular group to find a group of her own!

We went throught this very same thing... I had no idea it started in Kinder either! It is, however, a really good learning experience. I too called most of the moms of the girls and either talked it out, or just invited the girls over to our house to play after school. We have a different group of girls most Mondays. I like it because I get to know their personalities (I know who the bossy one is, the dominant one, the whiner, etc). The girls love coming over and since they have a good time with my daughter, her sister, and me, they have eased up on her a bit. During these play groups I was also able to observe my daughters behavior, and as it turns out, she was making some of them feel bad. Every time my daughter would draw a picture or work on a project she would show them and say, "Isn't it wonderful?! It is SOOO pretty!!" Well - This is exactly what WE say when she has done something, ANYTHING, so she was just copying what we say to her. It's a matter of learning what's appropriate to say/act around certain people. It was completely innocent, but it was causing tension between the girls. I was able to talk to my daughter about being proud of yourself without making others feel bad. GREAT learning experience!

I also volunteer in her classroom quite a bit for lots of reasons, one of which is to strengthen my own relationship with the girls. They know that I will know they are being mean to my daughter and they don't like that. You also have to remind your daughter that she is only responsible for the way that SHE acts. If others are being mean, she can't necessarily do anything about it, except maybe help defend the one they are being mean to, but that's tricky too. She IS responsible for the way SHE acts and is held accountable for it. I remind her how she felt when they were being mean to her so that she doesn't act that way.

I know, my heart was broken too. I have talked to her teacher at length about this, and she says it happens every day in every classroom and it breaks her heart too. They are trying to find themselves and where they fit in. It's hard to not try to take over and smooth everything out.

Good luck!
C.

I have a boy in kindergarten, and I know how that alone can bring out the Mama Bear in me. (They are so young and little!) I'm sorry this is starting so soon, but believe me it is a life skill she will need to have...how to deal with mean people, especially mean girls.

I would start by having lots of conversations about what kind of friend she wants HAVE and what kind of friend she wants to BE TO SOMEONE ELSE...the old "treating someone the way you want to be treated" and that sort of thing. Ask a lot of questions that will lead her to the conclusion that these girls aren't the type of girls to be friends with and to "steer clear" as much as possible. If she can steer clear of them, they will lose some of their "power." They have "power" over her because she wants to be their friend. If she can show she doesn't want their "friendship" then they don't have anything she wants. (By steering clear, I mean don't play with them at recess and don't sit by them at lunch. If they come up to her, she should walk away.) I would also talk to her about their influence and how they are starting to "rub off on her." How can anyone who acts like that be truly happy? Is that what she truly wants for herself? Does she really want to make other people's lives sad/miserable, too?

Early on in this situation I would enlist the help from the teacher to make sure your daughter doesn't have to sit near them, stand in line near them, etc. If it were me, I would contact the school counselor as soon as possible even for just for advice on how to handle this and how to talk to your child about it. However, I think the counselor and the teacher will want to take a more active role in the resolution of this problem. I think schools are wanting to nip the bullying behavior in the bud, so you would be doing everyone a favor by speaking up.

I wouldn't stall too long. Bullying in kindergarten is a troubling sign to me. Now would also be a good time to speak up so that over the summer before next year those two girls could be separated into different classes. That might not solve the problem at recess, but it could cut down on other occurrences during the day.

This is just off the top of my head. If you want to take a lesser role in this, then you could encourage your daughter to go see the counselor herself about it. I know a lot of people want their kids to figure it out for themselves, but kids need the "tools" to solve problems. Often they need grownups to teach them those tools.

I just had a scary thought...can you even imagine what these girls will be like in junior high or high school?

I hope this helps!
Holly

I can appreciate the range of emotions that you must be feeling under these circumstances. I have a 6yr old daughter also and have heard her discuss situations with us about a "mean" friend at her 2 previous Pre-K schools. While these situations are very emotionally charging for us as parents, it is also an opportunity to teach our children early on in life that there are "mean" spirited people and how to best cope. With our child, we focused on giving her words to make her feel empowered and reinforce her self-esteem during these experiences. Give her the power to choose when she will interact with these girls -- give her vocabulary like -- when you say or do "X" I don't want to play with you. Talk to her about how "mean" behaviors make her feel and how she does not want to make other girls feel that way by acting mean. We tell our daughter that at age 6yrs, parents are responsible for teaching children how to behave and how disappointed their parents might be if they knew their children were acting so mean or just the fact that their parents have not taught them. This approach will take the focus off of your child and put the empahsis on the other girls. It is too bad that you cannot find a way to approach the parents as I would be HOT if I thought my child were behaving in such a mean manner towards other children. Try to take the emotion out of the situation for both of you and focus on giving her tactics to positively confront these bad behaviors, and build her self esteem to give her the ability to walk away from another's conditions. Unfortunately, there will be more of this to come for both of us and I do wish you luck!

I think the person who suggested you arrange for other playdates had a great idea. There are not too many more years where you will really have that kind of control. One thing you might want to do after she has a fun playdate is make some comments like, "It's so much fun to have nice friends." or "You are always such a nice friend, and was _____ nice to you? (yes) That makes being friends fun -- when everyone is nice." Open statements - not pointing fingers, but trying to encourage your daughter to seek out that feeling of mutual enjoyment with no strings attached. The more she experiences that, she will hopefully not be so drawn to those two girls. This is a GREAT lesson to learn at 5 -- those two snooty girls are actually doing you a favor! LOL

My daughter is in Kindergarten also, and we have just been through a similar situation. A dominant girl wanted my daughter to play with her, then would try to control who else she played with. They would exclude other girls from playing with them, which made my daughter upset. But she was afraid to confront the dominant girl. We talked A LOT about what it means to be a friend, and I'm so grateful she talked with me about it. I also talked with her teacher about it and made playdates with girls in her class that I thought would be more positive. My daughter came home from school the other day and said, "I don't want to play with her anymore, she's not a good friend" (referring to the dominant girl). I was so proud of her! This is hard but a good learning opportunity for our girls.

I would sit down and have a heart to heart talk with your daughter. What is it about them that she finds so appealing and why does she want to be their friend? Are they worthy of her friendship? Does she agree with the way they treat others, does she want to be just like them? If she hangs out with them she will be like them. Does she only want to be their friend because they are rejecting her? How does she find value in herself? Is it only if others approve of her or does she know that she is valuable anyway?

I know these are big questions for a young girl but I'm sure you can make them age appropriate. Get her to think...

Homeschool.

I'm not kidding.

Look into it.

Dear M.,
Sadly I understand what you are going through. My daughter almost 14, has been treated this way for a very long time by "a friend" whose family refuse to do anything about her behavior. The "friend" has treated everyone this way for a very long time. Your pastor may be able to help if you go to the same church. Your principal and teachers may be able to intervene to help protect your child and to stop this behavior atleast during school hours. Be prepared for the parents of the other child to take a "non-participant" attitude. TEACH YOUR CHILD TO BE STRONG AND NOT SUCCOMB TO THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR. My family are using this situation as a learning tool to talk to our kids. For all you parents of teenage girls...teen girls need guidance, they will never get it unless you teach them how to treat others. Jesus Christ was treated this way....and those people are now in HELL...Tough lesson but you'll get through it if your strong and faithful. I'll pray for your family.
Best regards.

M.,
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. You have gotten wonderful advice and I really dont have much to add since everyone has seemed to have suggested what I wanted to say as well. Girls can be so cruel. I dont know if your daughters school has a "no bullying" policy, but if it gets really bad, I would talk with the school counselor and/or teacher. They may be able to keep a closer watch on things and if need be, get the parents involved to remind them that they dont allow certain behaviour. But as alot of the other posts have mentioned, sometimes the parents are just as bad. it is so hard to bring up kids these days with all that they have to deal with. I have also been in a similar situation with my older daughter. I have sought out parents that I have known for a while and set up play dates with these the"nice girls" to reinforce to my kids that there are children out there that arent mean or brats. Good luck.

Two good places to find friendships: Homeschool - Church. This is a very teachable moment on how she needs to be different and if you have a good church the children there will also be different as well as homeschool associations. Although it deals with dating in high-school, I suggest getting Pamela's Prayer. There is a place in the movie where she is being gossiped about and a demonstration on how it was handled. Not a whole lot of info, but basics on how to be different. You have gotten some good advise, sift through it prayerfully and don't apologize for protecting your daughter.

I have had the same problem with my daughter. I have encouraged her to play with others at school and ignore these girls. They can't say mean things to you if you aren't there to listen. I also didn't want my child to pick up those ugly attitudes. I keep the lines of communications open with her. I also have told her that her acceptance comes from God, not other people. Good luck, it is a hard battle.

I haven't read through all the requests, but it sounds like you've gotten some good responses. As a former teacher, I wanted to say that it might be a good idea just to sit down with the principal AND the school counselor to talk about your concerns and ask their advice. Also to ask that the recess attendants (or cafeteria, or wherever the majority of the problems take place) keep an especially watchful eye. We had a situation like this with my son that eventually turned into some full-blown bullying. Because I had already visited with the counselor and principal, they were able to step in and intervene when the going got too tough for a little guy to handle on his own. A little "bibliotherapy" might be helpful as well. Joy Berry (among others) has some good books to help address the issue. Really, it IS bullying. So without mentioning the girls, you might try to casually incorporate some how-to-deal-with-bully books into your bedtime story routine. So sad that this kind of thing is happening younger and younger. I wish only the best for you and your daughter.

Consider inviting each of the two girls to your house (possible for a sleepover) WITHOUT the other one. This will give them a chance to bond more with your daughter without the other one there to spoil things or feel jealous. It may or may not work, but has the potential to help them be nicer to your daughter if they know her better outside of school.

My daughter experienced the same thing in kindergarten and 1st grade. I told her that there were other girls to play with and that God was not pleased with their actions. I explained to her how ugly that was and asked her if she wanted anybody to think that she was mean, she answered no because God wants us to be kind. And that is when I had the conversation about choosing friends to play with that like to play with her. She has told me "the girls didn't want me to play with them and I told them fine I can play with somebody else. She chose to play with the other girls and she had fun.

S. G.

I have a daughter in kindergarten also and I hear similar stories. As a matter of facteven last year in per K 4. I guess being a mean does not necessarliy start at a certain age. I think the best thing to do is to let your daughter know that the other girls behavior and conditions for friendship is not right and encourage her to play with other friends too. Tell her not to worry about just being friends with those girls when there are probably so many other kids she could be playing with. I nkow we hate to see our kids get their feelings hurt. I would just try to help her not to focus so much on those two girls and find other kind friends to play with.

I would encourage your daughter not to try and have anything to do with these girls and focus on making friends that are nice. There has to be other girls at her school that she can be friends with. Even one good friend will really make it easier for her to ignore the "mean girls". Encourage her to love herself and not let people treat her badly. I'm like others, I can't believe that girls can be this mean at such an early age and really wonder about these girls parents. Perhaps you should try to meet with them and talk to them. Not sure if this will help - it would depend if the parents are unaware of this behavior or if they actually enable this behavior. Good luck and hope things work out.

With so many other children at school, why should she feel compelled to play with theses two. Tell her there is too much fun out there with other children that she is missing out on, by trying to be with these two, and just be polite and nice to them , but let them be ( leave them alone to themselves) And also espically mention that if she doesn't like the way they treat her and how it makes her feel, how does she think that would make her be and look if she treated others that way, and to be careful not to do that to anyone else if she doesn't like it, and always let her keep that in mind. But I think if that doesn't espically work, i'd tell her you rather her not play with them, because you want her to have fun playing with nice kids, and being nice back, and if they aren't going to be that way , for her to try and play on another parat of the playground, and espically not ever have play days with them.

First thing, you are always on your daughter's side. She needs you to believe her and help her always.

Contact her teacher today. Boys bully physically, girls bully by isolation and degrading. Most schools now have pretty strict rules on bullying.

If you do not see an immediate change, go to the principal and councelor if none then, I would get their mother's #. Most mother's would be horrified to know their girls acted that way.

It does start so early now. So many people lack self control already-good manners are getting harder to find.

Talk with your daughter every day quietly (like right after story at bedtime) and let her tell her story but remain quiet. Listen. It will help her get these things off her chest and feel better and stronger. If her love at home is strong she will be stronger at school.

I would encourage her also to make another friend and maybe invite that friend from her class to her home. That would really help. That is what we did. We went to the teacher first, I talked to the mother second, and invited a new friend over third. It doesn't make the bully go away but it makes life for your child much better and happier too.

Pray for our children and our country, c

talk to her and asks her how she feels when the girls are mean to her
explain that's how she's making her other friends feel and that being mean will limit her friendships and others wll not like being around her

Talk to the teacher! At this age, children are very eager to please the teacher and what she says about the situation will go a long way. You're right; kindergarten is WAY to early to have to deal with that kind of nonsense.

Good luck!

M.
"My son eats all his veggies now. Even the green ones."
View my Mamasource profile to find out how

tell your daughter to make friends with others and leave the mean girls alone. mean girls will eventually burn out and seek other friends. if your daughter is confronted by a mean girl, tell her to act congenial (spelling) but she does not have to associate with them. if you belong to a church, inquire if they have a program for elementary girls. the baptist church has a girls' auxiliary. sometimes the same children that attend a particular neighborhood school will attend the neighborhood church. good luck.

that is a young age to behaving like that. amazing how parents can not raise their children.

I went to a small school when I was in 4-6th grade and there were two girls just like that. I tried and do my own thing making friends with everybody else, but of course it always made me feel better when they would include me (who doesn't like being included.) When they included me we had fun and when the didn't I had fun with my other friends. They weren't anything special and after awhile I didn't care anymore and soon they realized that I was the cool one to be around. Your daughter will hopefully realize that soon and be better off. But until then keep an eye out for what goes down on the play ground in case you need to have a talk with the school and the children's parents. Ask your daughter what makes them so special? And remind her that she is special to you and point out all the friends and accomplishments that she has done and let her realize on her own that if she will just be herself those girls will be begging her to be her friend.

You've already gotten such good advice that I don't have much to add. Just wanted to say that it helps to just keep reinforcing what "nice" behavior is among friends and really encourage other friendships so that your daughter doesn't feel the need to be friends with these girls. But I would also encourage her to always talk nice and friendly with them, but if they start to get ugly just walk away. In my experience (i have a 5th and 1st grade girl) it does no good to talk to the mom, because as they say the apple usually doesn't fall far from the tree and sadly for these little girls this is probably a learned behavior. As most everyone else has said though I would make sure that the teacher is aware of the situation. Good luck with it, I know it's hard to watch your child have her feelings hurt. Hugs.

Great advice already, but I would add to bring it to the teacher's attention. Usually these situations are not isolated. If the girls are making your daughter feel this way, chances are she's not the only one. Having the teacher talk to the class in general about nice ways to treat each other should make an impact and at least let the other girls know that what they are doing is not acceptable. As someone said, the apple sometimes doesn't fall far from the tree, so contacting the parents may or may not result in a positive change. The mom may get defensive, or maybe not. But since the teacher has the most control over what the children do during the school day, she should be informed of your concern. With so many students in a class these days, the teacher may not be aware of the problem, or it could be these situations may more likely occur on the playground at recess when there are teacher's aides supervising and the teacher isn't there to witness it. Just reiterating what others have said, have discussions with your daughter about "the golden rule." You don't feel good when the other girls say mean things to you, so be sure you don't treat others that way.

Good luck!

I stuck my daughter in Girl Scouts. I am a leader and I make the rules that there is no nonsense like that during the meetings. I am trying to make sure that the girls stick together and we do sometimes have drama, but the girls play together outside of meetings.

I would suggest getting your daughter involved in girl scouts. She will meet other nice girls and they help reinforce what you are teaching her about respecting yourself and others.

I have a very shy 8 year old granddaugther for whom girlscouts (started as a daisy) has been very helpful in bringing her out of her shyness. She has made wonderful friends with the other girls in her troop.

At the age of 5, I would tell her that these are not nice girls and to find other friends. Ask the teacher who some nice girls are in class and set up some play dates with them. Once they get older you can't do anything, so do it now before it's too late!

We went through this last year when my daughter was in first grade. It started out the way you described and I tried all of the suggestions here. We had conversations about being a real friend, about standing up for yourself in a nice way, we arranged a LOT of other play dates. It helped teach her about being strong and being a good friend, but the bottom line is she was in class with this girl all day and and it's really hard to get away from a situation when it's in her face all day. By the end of the year it got really bad. If you want to message me privately I would be happy to talk to you more about how we handled it.

Good luck

When you see her behaving this way remind her of how she feels when she is being treated in this way. Reinforce the principle of treating others the way you want to be treated. Do unto others, etc... Be sure you are paying attention at the playground for these "teachable moments" and take advantage of them. I see too many moms not paying attention to their children while their kids are being unkind and disrespectful to others. It is a shame. Our kids need us to guide them and show them how to be good friends and citizens in their communities. good luck!

Tell here to play with other girls. i am sure there are others in the K who would like to play with her.
this is a good moment for a lesson.