4 Month Old Deva!

She has always been very serious about when she eats because all babies are. Babies need to eat very frequently because their tummies are so little, and they empty quickly. Not only that, but most of us parents miss their early feeding cues, like rooting (moving their mouths around, licking their lips), so by the time they start *crying* to be fed, they're really hungry, desperately so.

Anyway, about your more general question: first of all, it's amazing that your daughter will let you put her down and leave her alone in basically a soft little box for as LONG as 30 minutes at a time. My daughter never did, either with me or my husband. And it's not really fair of us to ask this of them. They're vulnerable little babies, and when left alone, they feel like they could die if someone doesn't pick them up. And the reason is, in our evolutionary past, this was absolutely the case. Babies were never left alone before modern devices like cribs were invented. If they had been, they would have gotten eaten by predators or rolled down a hill or covered by bugs. So, babies have evolved the fear of being left alone. Besides that, the first 3 months are still, developmentally speaking, still feel to the baby like she should still be in the womb, because babies are born so premature, just because they're getting too big to stay there. So, they still feel like they should be wrapped up tight and in a moving, warm environment. Laying flat on a crib mattress without hearing mom's muffled but nearby voice in the womb feels very alien and scary. So, for those first three months, she really wanted you to hold, hold, hold her.

Since then, she has developed this habit of desperately crying for you because she has been deprived of this more secure transition to the world outside. (Some babies just transition more easily; they're not "good" babies while you might think you have a "bad" baby or a "diva" - there's no such thing as a bad baby. Your baby barely even knows her arms are her own at this point.)

The way to fix your "problem?" Hold your daughter more. Pick her up *before* you expect her to start crying. You need to change your expectations. Babies can't just be turned off and put on a shelf. Don't resent her for it. If you give her all of the love and security and comfort in your arms that she desperately needs now, she will be more independent later. It could be that your boyfriend is less quick to respond to your baby's cries, so she has learned to not cry for him to pick her up, but she knows that you will. This does NOT mean that you should "train" your daughter to give up on you both. In fact, you need to teach your boyfriend to hold your daughter more, and be more attentive to her, so that she doesn't grow up with a deeply felt belief that nothing she does has any effect on those around her - not even the two people who should love her the most in the world. Crying and getting no response does this to a child.

The first 5-6 months or so, I've learned, are just one big challenge to a couple. Feel grateful if you have family nearby who come to help. We didnt' even have that! All of my husband's and my family live out of state, far away. But that's just life. Parenting is hard, very, very hard. If it's really easy, you're not doing it right! And it never works, to try to do it the easy way, trust me. I've seen so many families in which the parents tried to do things the easy way, even though they knew it wasn't best for hteir children, and their children developed health issues, discipline issues, and even trouble at school. So, be assured that at least the extra effort you put in now will pay off in less effort and less heartache later.

Practically speaking, I recommend that you get a baby carrier like the Ergo or a Maya wrap so that you can carry your baby and keep your hands free. It's SO much easier than just carrying your baby around in your arms. and you will see! The more you hold your baby, the less she will cry in general.

For more information, read the Dr. Sears Baby Book or the Sears Discipline Book.

Hang in there. It gets a little easier soon. Especially once your daughter can sit up on her own and play with toys by herself. But don't think that means you an leave her to play by herself for more than a few minutes! LOL. Babies just aren't built that way in general.

Hey K.,

Nope, this is not a stupid question. And no your sweet little blessing is not being a Diva. Most babies as you see with animals, are very serious at meal times. It is a basic function of life and they focus on it fully. As for the scream, some babies are equipped with better lungs.

Now for the "easy job" he has versus her not letting you put her down. This is 100% normal. You can shoose how to handle it. You can let her cry it out until she gets use to letting you get more done...pending she isn't wet, dirty, hungry, sleepy or hurting...all of which you would tend to immediately no matter what needs to be done.

I can only tell you that my daughter gave my mother in law an easy time during the day when she kept her for me. It seemed she could get her sleep in the crib for a nap and in general put her down for self play. But my days with her were never that easy. She screamed if I placed her anywhere other than my arms and this was within seconds of being sat down.... and waiting it out did not work well(in our case we had severe acid reflux, so crying would result in vomiting, then clean up, baths and my day never ended.) As for taking a nap for me, never happened, she wasn't a good napper and there was no way she would let me put her down even in her sleep. If i managed to get her to fall asleep on me, any attempt to place her down and she was awake immediately or within minutes.

And then even on the days my m-i-l kept her, well I always found 5-7pm to be the "witching hours", were nothing I did helped.

I can't tell you what to do, but in my case, I decided if a baby was crying, i would hold it. And so I did hold her alot. And people told me I was spoiling her. And maybe I was.... but only with love and touch. So I spoiled her to all that. And at almost 3 she is such a loving little girl. She gives hugs and kisses, says "i love you so much," is the best snuggler on the couch and is just perfect in every way. I get tons of compliments on how sweet and loving she is, and I just think, it was alot of work early on but I loved every minute of tending to her. And yes my house was a disater through it all.

You need to decide what you can handle, what you want to do and what results it will bring. But the fact that she gives your boyfriend an easier time and not you is simply because she wants more from you. She knows you are the mom and she wants her mommy. This is the best thing in the world. Enjoy it while it lasts.

And yes... my little one did this only to me, still does at times.

Best Wishes and Enjoy your baby who loves you the best.
-MB

I would get a baby carrier. I really liked the sling style under six months, but any front carrier with good head support will do. You can fix dinner, etc while you carry her. Mine would fall asleep in it, especially while vacuuming:) A crockpot is a busy mom's lifesaver. Get one and use it, there are lots of recipes on the internet. It is so nice to come home to a homecooked meal waiting. You are also getting home at most babies fussy time. I don't know why, but all my babies (we have nine children) were fussy at dinner preparation time (4-6 pm). Do you have a swing? some of mine really liked that.

K., I promise you're daughter isn't a diva (atleast she doesn't think so). My son did this too when he was that age. Did you recently go back to work? My opion is that she knows you're her momma and she just wants some extra snuggle time. I know this doesn't help get dinner ready or the house clean but try to let that be second priority. they grow up way too fast, try and enjoy her 'diva' stage, i promise she'll grow out of it soon!

Hope that helps!

How has this week been going for you and your 4 month old? Any better? Do you live in the Bx area?

I know this has nothing to do with what you asked, but if you need someone to watch her I will be willing to help. I know you don't know me personally,but I have a 14 and a 12 yr old and work part time. I live in St Martin area.

Please let me know if I can be any help. Even if it letting you and your boyfriend spend some time together. Thanks.

Does she just miss you? How does she do when you do hold her?

She is actual missing you! The only way she has to tell you that she wants you is to cry. Hold her, love her, she will be grown soon enough, believe me thay grow fast and time goes by before you can turn around. I would do what ever I had to do holding my babys, or have them there where I was and talking to them as you would some one else if thay were there with you. You are not stuped and no question is stuped. Babys know who their moms are, and yet love others too. Oh what times I remember, wish I could have them back, but once thay are gone, there gone! God Bless you and your family. B.

Are you sure the baby's Dad isn't holding her ALL the time while you are gone- so she won't cry? Maybe he does- and she's gotten used to it.? Maybe tho- she sleeps while you're gone and her alert time is different for the time he watches her. Hope her screams change into just normal crying when she needs something. It wont hurt for babies to cry- as long as they are attended to promptly. Your baby probably just misses her mommy! She might like all your attention when you do get home. Maybe its a stage she's going thru. They are aware of a lot more than we know. Try laying her on one of your articles of clothing like a shirt you have worn- she will like the smell of you near her. Good luck!