4-Year Old Never Plays on His Own

It sounds like he has you wrapped around his finger. Why don't you have him help out with the chores, then tell him you will give him special play time after that. Also, you need to work on the two brothers becoming good friends. I raised 3 boys ages 24, 19, 16. I came home from the hospital telling the older one how much they loved each other and how they would always be best friends. If you tell them this enough (everyday) they will believe it. My sons are still very close. Your 9 year old is old enough to help out with his little brother. You can always give him an allowance for his time but he should understand loving his brother is a must. Whenever they fight make them hug and tell each other how much they love each other. The fighting ought to deminish quickly with the older one. He won't like those hugs too much especially when friends are around.
PS. don't feel guility, you are not required to be your son's playmate. He needs to learn how to play on his own. You may want to limit these playdates and start inviting someone his own age over to play.

My stepdaughter is the same way and its because her parents never allowed/taught her to play on her own, they were always "right there" tending to her every whim. Since I started dating my husband I have been her playmate, I love kids so this role came naturally for me, but after a while I got tired of never being able to do what I needed to do because she constantly wanted my attention. What I've started doing is just telling her "its not play time for me" right now, and promising her some time after I finish my "adult stuff" if she can entertain herself for a while. It seems to be working!! I even found her in her room alone the last time she was here playing with her barbies and I never had to ask her for "adult time".

Hello D. - My son is grown now but I surely remember the days when I felt like I was his only playmate. My son never did like playing by himself. He would literally park himself by my feet while I was cooking in the kitchen, or in the bedroom while I was putting on make-up. I did 2 things - at age 4 your son is definitely old enough to "help" mommy with her chores - and make it a game. ("Lets make smiley faces in the dust on the furniture and then polish them away". "Lets match all the socks up (while you're folding clothes)." Let him on the countertop while you're cooking and let him stir the cake mix or whatever.) Important to let him know that "now" is "help-mommy" time and then take the time for "play-time" with him. Another favorite trick - finding friends who had children of the same age. I would try nearly every day to have another kiddo over to the house for play time or my son would be over to their house for play time. It makes for great baby-sitting favors as well. Funny thing - when I had children my choice of friends was completely geared toward the age of their children. How to find those friends - be creative. I remember moving to a new town when my son was 3-ish and we literally walked the neighborhood looking for other stay-at-home moms. Its easy to find cuz the kids are out playing. Best of luck to you.

When he makes you feel guilty, he is trying to manipulate you into playing with him, If you are giving him enough attention, don't let it keep you from your house duties! remember your house duties are just an extention of your love towards your whole family! also I would let big brother know that he is much older and has a responsibility to spend "some" time with little brother, "not fighting" maybe set up an incentive program with big brother, for every ___#of times that he spends 30 min or 1 hr playing with little bro w/o fighting he gets some reward, Like to go to a movie with mom or some other activity that you know he will be willing to work towards. You can keep a chart for him to look at as incentive with the reward listed at the end!

-I don't really have any suggestions but wanted to let you are not alone. My 4 year old is the same way. He has always been this way. He actually thinks he is being punished if you make him go play in his room which is filled with wall to wall toys. Sorry I couldn't be much help, but I felt better when I read your request and discovered I wasn't alone.

Perhaps he is missing you and needs your attention, especially since you work full time. Does he like day care? Is everything going ok there? Sometimes kids act out of character when something is not right.

I know one thing...my relationship is much more important than my house, so my house sometimes gets neglected.

I hope the best for your situation at hand.

Deborah

If you spend 20 minutes playing with him (100% attention), he'll be more likely to give you free time afterward. If he still wants to be with you, have him help you. If he gets bored helping you, he'll probably go play on his own. It works for my 4 yo daughter who gets bored while her sister is at school.

I understand the frustration and the guilt of having a little one who wants a constant playmate. I have a 6 year-old step-daughter who used to need my full attention at all times and I could not understand why getting her to play by herself was such a difficult thing to accomplish. One suggestion I can give you is to start a project or play time with him and when he starts to play on his own and feels comfortable, get up and do what needs to be done while checking on him to let him know that you are still there. Another is to set an egg timer to 15 or 30 minutes (start small) and let him know that you need to do some housework until the timer dings. All I can say is stick with it. At 6 and a half she is finally starting to play in her room (it was only used for sleeping before) and it will get better. I think some kids just need more than others, but try not to let him control your household. If you are spending adequate time with him you should not feel guilty. Good Luck!

Hi D., I am also in the same situation. This is the first time I stay home with any of my kids, I worked full time before my husband was transfered here in Cypress in Aug. so my 4 year old went to a daycare full time being with friends all day, now with us being home he still wants to play all day not having time for any of my things getting done. So what I did was let him help me with whatever I needed done and trying to make it as fun as possible. I would have him dust one room while I would dust another and have competitions with it. He really took it as a game and we were both happy!!

I used to have the same problem with my 4YO. I started telling her (gradually incrementing the time),"I need you to show me that you can play for 10 minutes by yourself and then Mommy will play with you for a while." The next time you can do 15 mintues and so on. As you increase the time he plays by himself, your time to get other things done increases. If he knows he will have play-time with Mommy at the end, he is more likely to comply!

Hi D.,

We went through this too!! I have a 5 year old that will be 6 in a few months. It was hard but know that it is a phase and will probably pass. First, I would see if this is what he does a daycare too...ask questions. Have them watch if he ALWAYS has to be with others. If that is the case, I would try something new. What we did was force my son to play in his room (toys galore of course) by himself for 30 minutes every night. Right about the time I would start dinner, I would say, "ok time for your special alone time!" Be VERY excited and explain that he needs to "explore" his toys and room alone. After a few weeks (some even crying) he now plays by himself. It's not possible for us to "play" all day long and you shouldn't feel guilty for saying no. That is life. They will have to learn that we can't be at their every request. Hang in there and my best advise to you is just do some creative parenting!! Give stickers afterwards if that helps!!

I know how you feel. My son is exactly the same way, though his older sister has always been able to entertain herself. I agree with the suggestions of getting him to help with the chores ("the faster we get our chores done, the sooner Mommy will have time to play with you"). Another option you might try is having him do something in the same room where you are working (like coloring or playing with play-doh or doing a puzzle while you make dinner). Even if you're not actively playing with him, he can still still show off his "masterpieces" and sometimes that's enough interaction to satisfy.

I have a 4 year old that wants to be with mama all the time. His future wife is going to hate me! I give my little guy dirty jobs to do with me. That keeps him so busy and it keeps me talking to him all the time and gives me some help with some of my chores.

Seems like your son is like my first child and essentially he is since brother is so much older. Try to have playdates for him. Take him to the base Child development center, or enroll him in a pre-school. I have very intelligent children who need to be constantly stimulated, but I wasn't able to do it after my second was born. I put her in a half-day pre-school NOT A DAYCARE!!!! and she did great! Gives me some time to get stuff done. Then when she is home, she is much better at having quiet time, or I can interact with her much more with things done.

Hi D.,
I have two sons 19 yrs. and 22 yrs. I had this type of problem with my youngest. I was going crazy trying to figure out why when my older son was gone to school, my younger son was always under foot. When he and my older son played together it was great. I could not figure out the problem until one day I over heared them playing. My older son would tell his brother what to do and what to say as they were playing. I realized immediatley that my younger son was not learning to use his own imagination and was relying on someone else to tell him what to do. I had to take time to help him learn to play on his on and I also had my older son allow his brother to make up the play time stuff. good luck

Don't let yourself feel guilt over this. Quality time is more important than quantity of time. He's old enough to understand that there is a schedule or routine. Let him know that you will play with him X amount of time (set the timer so he hears it ring) and that when the timer rings you have work that has to be done and it's now time for him to play by himself. While you are playing make him the full focus of your attention. No phone calls, no tv--it's all about him. Afterward you have to stand firm and say, "Now I have to work." Maybe you could make a chart with ideas for things he could do on his own. List different games, toys and activities and send him to the chart when he starts bugging you. Also, check out Love and Logic--they have some useful tips for you on how to stop him from constantly asking you for your time or anything else for that matter.

It is very natural for him to want to spend time with you.
Kids are different and perhaps the older boy does not need your as much.

Perhaps a part time job would be better.

My situation is a little different (I'm a single Mom w/ just one 8 yr. old daughter), but she is the same way. She just hates playing by herself. Her favorite phrase lately is "I'm bored" and that drives me nuts!!

I'm an only child and I had no trouble finding things to do when I was her age. It's hard for me to "figure this out" since she's so different than I was at that age.

I wish I had some advice for you, but I'll be watching the responses you get so I can maybe get some ideas too!! :)

Good luck!! ;)

Hi D., I have a 3yr old daughter who is the same way. I have two older sons(17 & 19) and I work full time an hour and a half away from home. So it is usually late when I get home and she wants to spend every second she can with me. I missed out on so much with my two sons working alot and in this day and time it seems you have to work more and more to make ends meet. I am a very picky person when it comes to my home being spotless and things being done but one thing I have realized with my daughter is I dont want to miss the things we didnt get to do before she is grown because you can NEVER get that back. You can always clean the house, wash clothes,etc. But once he is grown and moving on with his life you cant get those precious moments back. I agree with the other moms let him help you with some of the chores and some days dont do any chores just have play time together call out for a pizza for dinner and enjoy the moments he wants to spend with you. Because you will miss it. I think some of my best moments with my daughter are when I tell myself ok today I am not going to go home and get upset because the house is not cleaned or the clothes that are in the basket really need to be in the washer. I am going to go outside and enjoy that last 30-45 min worth of sunshine with her on the trampoline jumping around or laying down on the trampoline with her watching all the airplanes fly by. Just remember to stop and enjoy him before he grows up....it happens so fast... :)

This works every single time!

Incorporate him in your activities.

He will do 2 things. He will be a helper and he will eventually get bored with the activity and learn to entertain himself.

So when you are cooking..give him some roll cookie dough to 'cut out' cookies, a bowl of milk and cheese from box macaroni to 'mix and stir' for you, or even a pitcher of koolaid to stir up. Then he can have some of his treat he made. He can also learn to do other things like mash the potatoes, rinse the lettuce. The jobs will either keep him entertained or lead him to decide on his own he would rather play with his toys than do that job. ;-)

He can pull up sheets and blankets to make a bed, sort socks, sort dirty laundry for wash day, wipe down the counters with a damp rag. All this is also training for someday when he needs to clean up his own place. ;-) Even a 4 yr old can do all these things!

You don't give him a choice. You say this is the activity right now. Help or go play. If he helps, great. If he doesn't no loss, he has made a decision to play by himself. LOL

Mine helped me do EVERYTHING on some days. But I considered it our time together. Other days they decided it was no fun and chose to go play with their toys.

Are there any kids his age in your area? I know another child at the house doesn't seem like a great solution, but it could actually help more than you think. when my daughter had friends over for 1 or 2 hours, I got so much done. If that doesn't work, explain to him that you need to get some things done, maybe you could give him some "important" chores to do to help you and then praise him for being a big boy and helping mommy. I put my kids to fold the towels or put their clothes away. Another awesome game that I play with my kids is "dirty rag". I give them each a dusting cloth, which is usually white, and tell them to start dusting the furniture. whoever has the dirtiest rag wins, although I give them both a prize for helping. You would be suprised how long it takes them and how much fun they have, not to mention you just got the dusting out of the way. Hope that helps
C. B.
www.MoreTime4MyKids.com