Mommy Guilt Vs. 3 Yr Old Learning to Play Independently

Maybe I'll get reamed for this, but I don't care. Guess what my boys are doing right now as I am on mamapedia? Watching Spongebob. It will get turned off in a little bit and then they will spend the rest of the day playing outside and in...but for now, the TV watches them so I can get up relaxed. I have two boys, almost 6 and almost 9, and a baby girl, 6 months. SHe is in her circle seat playing. When my boys were younger they would crawl into bed with my husband and I and cuddle up with us as they watched Disney Channel.
I don't know if you have a TV in your room, but that's what I would do. Little Einstein never hurt anyone!

5 moms found this helpful

Toddlers and young kids absolutely have a deep-seated need to interact with their parents or older playmates. I don't use the word "absolutely" often, but this need is for real, and it's nearly a compulsion. They are wired for it. And with their limited experience, skills, and imaginations, young toddlers really do need older playmates.

Expecting a 3yo to be happy on his own for 30 minutes is probably roughly akin to expecting an adult to happily endure 30 days in an isolation chamber. Yes, you and his daddy have your own needs, which you essentially "agree" to defer when you bring a child into the family. For many parents, "me" time comes while the children are napping or after they go to bed.

Sounds like it's time for a little creative thinking – find new games that you can play and enjoy together. Family board games like Candyland and Go Fish are classics for a reason. Mix it up with Hide and Seek, building forts with chairs and blankets, pillow fights, finger painting. Locate your Inner Child – you'll be richer for it, and so will your son. It's a shame that he gets in trouble for needing to be a little child.

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Yeah, we have this problem too. What seems to work is if I set her up at the kitchen table with an activity such as homemade play dough, bingo markers, etc. and then I do something in the same room while she plays. Books that come with the CD's are also good....you should be able to borrow some from the library. But the thing to remember is they have short attention spans and don't really play for long on their own....esp. at three. I also have my DD take a nap on the weekends so that buys us some time as well.

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I am in the same group as Laura U. My kids learned to entertain themselves early. And yes I am one of the moms who told them to "Go Play" and if they can't find something to do then they can go to their rooms. I didn't entertain them all the time. I played with them during the day but not every minute that was not filled with work. that makes for a very grumpy mommy and a kid who is 10 and whining......."there's nothing to do play with me........." kids need to learn to play by themselves. so take time for yourself and hubby and tell you 3 yr old to go play with his cars/ books / blocks etc and if he continually drives you nuts then put a timer on and tell him is mommy's time out time and he has to leave you till the timer goes.

wanted to mention that if he finds something to play don't interrupt him. that leads to short attention span. my mom used to do that to my kids and consequently they had a hard time doing anything for more than 10 minutes at her house lol

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Independent play is really important. I find that when parents are constantly hovering, they are also circumventing the child's opportunities to problem-solve (with good intentions, always to "help") and use his/her imagination freely because they are imposing their ideas about what the play should be like.

I think there is a difference between allowing your child this much-needed time and failing to properly supervise them. Our house is small enough that I can easily keep an ear out for my son without hovering over him every moment.

Try to tune into the times when he wants to be with you and receive your attention and when he wants to play independently and honor those times when you can.

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I love playing with my kids! And I understand the guilt you feel. It really boils down to them not *needing* you every minute, and being able to entertain themselves for short periods of time. There's a balance of playing and real life having to get things done. With work and rest and play and laundry and dinner and whatever else, it's hard to achieve that balance and maintain it.

I have one child that will say, "Mommy will you play with me...?" and another who will be less obvious but really want time with me and I will often go to her and say, "Can I color with you...? " Her face lights up and she's thrilled that we're having one on one time even if only for 15 minutes.

When your son comes to you because he's wanting your time or attention, there's nothing wrong with saying, "yes, I'll play cars with you as soon as I'm done folding the clothes." Teaching kids that you can't/ won't jump every time they ask at the very moment they ask, is a good lesson, and at 3 your little guy should be old enough to understand. The key is to make some time for them in the middle of what you're doing. It's a lot to expect a little one to entertain himself for hours while we do all of our "stuff" (and it doesn't sound like you expect that). Your son learning how to entertain himself though, will help him later too because he'll won't depend on always having someone to entertain him, and will be more creative about the games he later plays with others.

Good luck Mama!!

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some experts call it "feed the meter" give them undivided attention First 20 minutes then set them up playing with something independently. after 50 minutes of saying No cant play now have Mommy work to do give another 10 minutes of playing with Mom. the trick is to try to give them the attention BEFORE they start whining and acting up, so you're never rewarding bad behavior with attention. I think it's very important kids learn to play by themselves, it's part of developing their sense of self, decision making and self worth.

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My son who is 4, is right now playing by himself.
With his cars and Superheros.
I am here online.
Hubby is sleeping.
My Daughter is still sleeping.
The house is nice and quiet.
My son knows... (and my daughter) that if anyone is still sleeping when they wake up... to be quiet. And to play quietly. And to stay in the family room. (which we can hear them clearly).
My son is fine.
I am fine.
I don't feel bad.
My son knows, when I am done being at my desk, I then go and see what is up with him/his sister/the Husband. And my day begins.
I don't feel guilty.

*Just a tip: the 2nd child will not be an automatic 'play-mate' for your Eldest child, until the baby is old enough to not be supervised. And when the older child is FULLY aware of how to play with another child/baby.
Hopefully they get along.

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The age at which a child plays alone happily differs greatly between children. (apparently) there are 3 year olds who happily play while their parents do their own thing. I did not have one of them. DS could play by himself for about 10 minutes when he was 3 before he needed more attention. At 4 he became more self reliant (for entertainment) and would occasionally head off to his room for up to 20 minutes or so. At 5 he can choose to play by himself for sometimes 30-60 minutes before I go looking for him. And of course, many times he would much prefer to play with (or near) DH or me.

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Ok this is what I've done and it works beautifully. Saturday morning is mommy time until 12 noon. Its the only time they can watch cartoons, play video games, whatever they like. You have to start it now while he is young. As soon as he comes in give him a big hug say. Good morning. Its Saturday morning so its adult time. Put the cartoons on, give him some toys in front of him. give him a small snack or sippy cup. If he comes over bring him right back and say again its Saturday morning adult time you need to give mom some time. Remember he is 3 so you cannot go to twelve start at 10am so he gets use to it and as he gets older add a bit more time for youself on. But remember when 12p hits you need give him one on one time. Go take him to the park. When you guys get back and he's ready for a nap or relaxing doing what ever chores you need to do. If he want to be with you make him your helper. You'd be surprised how they can help you.

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Despite what some people have said, it is totally reasonable to expect a three year old to entertin himself for 30-45 minutes. However, he may need to be "trained" to do this, and you may need to be flexible about when you expect him to play by himself. I would suggest that in the morning you start by playing with him, and really focusing on him for 30-45 min. Then tell him that you need some time and you want him to play by himself. Help him think about what he wants to play with ... Blocks, puzzles, etc. Then have him play by himself for 15 min. Tell him that if he can play nicely then he's welcome to play near you. If he can't, due to whining or tantrums, he has to play in his room. Then, after his 15 min, play with hiim again. Over time, increase how long he plays by himself. You may also have to take his needs / schedule into account. For instance, maybe he just really needs attention in the morning, but can play better by himself later in the day. My kids can best entertain themselves after meals, so that's when I get most of my chores done. Good luck!

I always felt the same way with my first whenever he'd play by himself--extremely guilty. Then when baby #2 came alone, i simply could NOT play with him all day long and he had to learn to entertain himself. Don't let yourself feel guilty even if he throws a tantrum. I would start setting a timer (like 10 minutes to start with) and tell him he needs to play by himself for that long while Mommy does dishes (laundry, checks email, etc.). He will rebel because it's not what he's used to, but trust me you are doing him a FAVOR by teaching him to entertain himself. When his sibling comes, you are going to be awfully busy taking care of the new baby and your toddler and he will be much happier if he can feel secure and happy while playing by himself. Every person in your family will be miserable if you wait until the new baby is there to make him play independently

i don't have time to sit and play with my child. our schedules don't allow it. i feel no guilt about it, just hope that it will get better eventually. she does, however, gets lots of that attention daily from her grandma and at preschool. she gets a lot of cuddle and book time from me at bedtime, and she goes everywhere with me. also, she sometimes helps me cook, etc. so we do spend a lot of time together. but not every mom or dad can play board games in the middle of the day. and that's fine, as long as child is getting his/her needs met in some way. it is what it is. we do the best we can. but guilt doesn't really help, so let that go, mama. i'm sure you're doing a wonderful job.

I think many (including myself) feel the mother guilt, but as you said it is healthy for kids to learn how to play independently. When I am playing with my son I try to give him all of my attention and have fun with him then let him know that we can play for awhile then mommy needs to get some things done. Sometimes he will find something that he is interested in and sometimes I have to give him some ideas to get him started. If he is playing nice by himself I praise him for it which seems to encourage him to keep it up. My son is 5 now so he does a better job of it than he did when he was 3 but just be consistent and make the most of the time when you are playing with him.

I remember that feeling! Our oldest was four before her brother came along. I felt the same way. I did feel very obligated to spend time with her as much as she needed BUT it wasn't always doing what she wanted. If I had to do stuff, she could pull up a chair and watch me or help me (like with cooking/cleaning,etc). So, I still did everything I needed to, I just had a helper most of the time. I never pushed her to play by herself. Truth, my current almost-3 yr old is the same way, and she has three siblings to play with. I think it's part of the age that they want to hang out with mom and/or dad a lot. She is my little helper with most everything. But she definitely goes off and plays with her siblings more than my first could do. My first literally wanted me all the time! She wouldn't even go into different rooms than me. Having a sibling helps with that for sure.

So - you are normal!

And - you can still spend time w/him as well as get things done that you need to.

We have "independent play" time where my almost three year old daughter plays in her room. We keep toys in her closet that she hasn't played with for a while, so she gets to choose some of those to play with in her room. We tell her that this is her time to play alone, and she does very well. She usually lasts about 30-40 minutes before she comes to find me. If she comes out after a few minutes I send her back and encourage her to find a new toy or giver her a quick idea about what to do.
We do this in the morning after breakfast and her baby brother goes down for a nap on the days we are home. It is so nice because I get a lot done in that short amount of time:).

Don't allow tantrums. Don't feel bad for disciplining that. It's very important he doesn't learn to get his way by acting out and ALSO that acting out isn't allowed, so just ignoring the tantrums isn't enough So depending on what you mean by "we get irritated so he gets in trouble", it's good you are addressing it. Getting irritated simply means it's getting too far though. Set the rule, give him a time expectation and a clear activity (play doh on a clear table, train tracks on a clear table, a (gasp) TV show, pick ONE thing, but not just a room full of toys, that's too distracting and nothing will interest him) give a calm warning to keep at it, and enforce calmly right away. He'll learn faster this way. At this age, you should enforce 20 minute blocks of time, then go give some attention for a few minutes, then possibly another 20 minutes and so on. He won't stay occupied for a whole hour or anything unless it's a movie. Be sure to go over and praise and hug him while he IS occupying himself, and enforce if he starts to come demand you right away.

Of course continue to engage him plenty at other times, but he is at the age where he wants attention ALL THE TIME, and it is important to teach him he needs to play alone at times, and you do need to enforce it since anything less that ALL THE TIME will not be acceptable to him. That's natural. It's your job to lead. It's good practice for him and he's not too young. I had to work PT from home with my husband gone all the time when my oldest (5) was 3. I had to give her designated activities and time slots to occupy herself. It was a battle at first, but she learned and is the better for it. Now all 3 of mine, 5, 3 and 2 can leave us alone to get things done when we need them to.
Don't feel bad. Parenting wasn't meant to be easy.

I was 36 when we had our son.
I enjoyed playing with him.
Isn't that one of the reasons we have kids?
So we can play with them and their toys?
Also, it's when things got quiet and I didn't know what he was into is when mischief was likely to happen.
He was 3 and got curious one day and when I checked up on him, he'd completely unwound a whole roll of toilet paper behind his crib.
He went to daycare and preschool and learned to play with others just fine.
In 7 short years your 3 yr old will be 10 and you'll be stressing about all the teenage things that are coming up way before you are ready for it.
Enjoy the age he is now (and you'll STILL have floor time with your next one to look forward to).