3 Year Old Step Son - Hears Me But, Never Listens!

He is only three. There are so many things that are going on in his little world righ tnow that he is not able to comprehend everything. His daddy is not the only one that he is coming around and it is hard for him that there are now more adults there to tell him what to do. I have a three year old daughter and two three year old nephews. The threes are worse than the two's.

Talk to him on his level. Get eye to eye and use words that he can understand. Start off as soon as he gets to your house. Tell him what is expected of him and what the consequences will be if he does not behave. Plan fun events with the kids and let them help decide what they want to do. If there is misbehavior then the plans are postponed. It will help to teach him there are reprecussions to his actions.

Have the daycare set a meeting with your husband, you and his mother. Talk to them about what can be done to make things a little better. Set up a time to talk with his mother. You all have to work together to make this behavior decrease and eventually go away. This is a team effort. You are not the only one this is happening to, so you are not the only one to try and remedy it.

Once he sees that he is not allowed to act this way anywhere it should cause him to grow bored of these actions. Praise good behavior and ignore the bad. He will learn that this is the way to behave.

Good luck and try not to take the Your not my mom comment at face value my own daughter tell me see doesn't love me when she doesn't get her way.
Also wanting to leave and telling you hubby that can only make things more difficult for you and your marriage. Talk it out with him. See if he can take a Saturday off and work with you and not against you.
Stability is the way to go here on all sides. Any contridiction between where he is can only cause more confusion.

Good luck, I hope that I was of some help.

Hi R.. My heart goes out to you. I'm a mother of a 24 year-old and a seven-year-old. I'm divorced from my 24 year-old's father and I've lived a lot of what you're talking about in similar ways. It looks like you've already received a lot of good advice, but I'd like to mention five things.
1) Keeping up a good relationship with all parents is imperative. No one should say negative things about the other in front of the children. This is VERY important.
2) Your husband needs to give you a lot of support in this. It's not his fault he has to work on Saturday, but these are his children and it's not fair that you're having to deal with them all day on Saturday. He needs to make it clear to the three-year-old that you're in charge and, whether he agrees with your decisions or not, support them in front of his children. He can always discuss it with you when you're not around the children if he disagrees with something you did or said. He should NEVER disagree with you in front of them or you with him for that matter.
3) Go out of your way to say supportive things to their mother and establish a trusting relationship with her. Say good things about her in front of the children. Children pick up right away when they think there is some tension between the parents and then feel they have to pick one against the other.
4) Keep an eye on all the children as far as their emotional health. If it seems that they might need to see a therapist, or you either for that matter, don't hesitate. There is not a soul in this world who wouldn't benefit at difficult times in their life from a good therapist. It's not anything to be ashamed or afraid of. If money if an issue, look into help through a church or non-profit group. There are a lot of options out there.
5) This is the most important. Make sure you and your husband spent some quality time together. 15 minutes in the evening with the TV turned off and just talking. Once a week go out to dinner or just dessert if you want to save money. The health of your relationship is paramount. The last thing you, your husband, or these children need is more disruption in your lives.

Good luck with this difficult transition in your life!

Part of this is from all the changes in his little world. And a HUGE part of it is because he is three. I swear three is worse then two. Two they are pushing, three they are manipulating. He may need punishments from outside the box. There is a great book out there called "Creative Correction" that gives so much insight to thining outside the box when it comes to raising kids. But a lot of it is because he is three and he is a boy. He may get through it or he may stay difficult and need you to think outside the box for most of his life. Its a tough age and you just need to hold on. Four gets better and then 5 becomes a little interesting again. Try even making a game out of the things you know he is going to give you a hard time on. Flip it around into a game. Whatever you find and come up with though it is very important that you all three(or if she is remarrief, four)talk through how you are going to handle it and agree. For example I have a friend who has a difficult child. He will call her names and she will put hot sauce on his tongue. If you as a step mother did something like that it could set his mom off. So you all need to be on the same page. Good luck.

Hi R.. You've received some great advice. I have to say I truly agree with Kathy A on many of her points. I know this is rough on you and I'm sure hit hurts your husband's feelings when he hears that you would rather leave for the day/weekend then spend the time with his children... but I see where you're coming from too!

This boy is going through a lot, he's 3 the world is big and challenging, his parents are apart and Dad's remarried with a new baby. That's a lot for a little guy to handle, but it doesn't excuse his behavior. He's testing his boundaries and trying to manipulate situations to favor his wants. He will only learn that this isn't appropriate if you make a point to show him. It's always more difficult when all of the adults involved aren't working together, doing the same things to set guidelines, but it is possible to break these bad habits even without the help of the Mom. It'll be tough but you've got to stick to your guns and show him that he's not an adult and he doesn't run the show. I don't suggest earphones but do suggest removing him from the situation when he acts inappropriately. Whether you are at home, a friend's house, out shopping or at a park... now matter where you are, safely remove him from the situation and make him sit on his own. Even if it means leaving where you are, cart full of groceries or dripping wet from a pool, enforce the guidelines and don't give him leeway. I would put him in his room, shut the door or put up a gate he can't get around. If you're at the park or what not, put him in his car seat, things like that. Remove him from the situation and tell him this will be where he stays until he can treat you and the rest of the family with respect (explain to him that respect means following the rules and treating people nicely) Make him stay in this place for at least 3 minutes after he has calmed himself. When he comes out take a moment to talk about why he was removed to begin with then drop the subject... he doesn't need to hear about his tantrum all day long, this will only cause resentment and will spur nothing positive. While he is in this 'time out' of sorts, don't punish the rest of the family, go on about doing something fun with the other kids, show him that his outbursts won't dictate the rest of the families fun. If you're at home, play a game, watch a movie and pop some popcorn, paint, etc... show this little boy what he's missing by misbehaving.

I also love charts that not only outline the kids responsibilities (and at 3 he can have household and personal responsibility) but also list good "extras" too. (things like using good manners, doing something nice for mom or big sister, following household rules, etc) I have charts all over my house and it helps tremendously. Each of my charts has a consequence listed if the activity/duty isn't done, each one is set up to fit the 'offense' so they very depending on the item they didn't do or did incorrectly. The extras of course don't have a punishment but everything else does. At the end of the day or end of the week count up the "points" he has earned for each item on the list (have a minimum that he should reach each day by doing simple daily behavior/routines) and have a predesignated reward that he's chosen if he reaches his point goal. (We decide on a goal reward at the first of each month and the points are tallied at the end of each month) Our rewards must be free or very low cost. They are things like making cupcakes, going to the park of the child's choice, play a game of their choice with the entire family, getting to plan an entire meal of anything they want (we get lots of mac-n-cheese with cupcake nights as rewards lol) They also can choose a video rental, buy a pack of baseball cards, or something else that's less than $5. Things like his will help him see his progress and also give him something to look forward to, all while also reinforcing that reward doesn't just happen, it's earned and it doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

I also think it's a great idea to have him go to his father when he arrives home, and even his big sister or anyone else he may disrupt with his tantrums, and make an admission of what he did and why it is wrong... an apology of sorts. This will help him learn to take responsibility and also show him that he has an effect on people beyond himself.

All in all, this little guy needs to know that he can't push you around. So if you begin to feel frustrated, take a moment for yourself but don't let him know he's getting under your skin. I know it's easier said than done, but try your best. In time it will show him his tantrums only exhaust him, they don't get him anywhere. The last thing you want to do is reward his bad behavior by taking him somewhere or giving him something that he wants. He should learn that those things are earned through good behavior not manipulation. I know this is hard to do, please know it won't last forever and once it's enforced consistently it will cause change in him. Heck, these are great things to do with all kids, even the 13 year old. Positive reinforcement also goes a long way. Praise the kids when they do things right, when they do extra things, this will encourage their good feelings about themselves and help reassure them that you care about them and appreciate them. This too will help the situation.

This little boy probably doesn't know how to handle what's going on in his life, simply because he's 3 and matters are made worse by the other changes in his life. He needs you, and his Mom and Dad, now more than ever to show him what's right and what's wrong. Keep your chin up. I am positive that in time, with support and consistent enforcement from his parents and you, this will pass quickly.

Take care,
T.

Dr William Sears has published a bunch of books and they are all excellent. One is called "The Discipline Book" - it is positive, constructive advice on discipline without spanking. It is great. You can also visit his website www.askdrsears.com.

Best wishes!
J.

Find a punishment that actually effects him. That makes him realize what he is doing is wrong and bad and you won't stand for it. It is not just you. He just has figured out that he can push you a little more than his mom by saying your not my mom. In return to that say "I know I'm not your mother, but I am the adult taking care of you right now, and you need to listen to what I say." I am a single mother, and I would expect my sons dad's fiance to punish my child if he were misbehaving. I have high expectations on behavior and my son knows it. He also knows that my mom lets him get away with his fits and will baby him so he throws them NON STOP when she is around. They have a way of finding your weakness, you have to not allow them to do son. Everyone needs to try to have the same rules and enforce them at all cost. He will get the picture, but you give in once and it will all start over.

I do not have step children, but my own children do some of the same types of things. He's beginning to understand manipulation. He knows what to do to you and he knows how you are going to react.

When it is not your child you have to discipline them differently. But you do have to discipline them otherwise it will only get worse.

Once he yells you need to let him know it's not okay. Grab some earphones and put them on YOU! Let him see it doesn't bother you anymore.

Reward his good behavioor, verbally and with going to the park. But don't just take him to the park because you don't know what else to do with him. Create a chart so he can see if he is earning his way to the park.

When your husband gets home or the next time you can sit as a family have the 3 year old tell his dad what he did, how was his behavior, make him start to take responsibility.

Let him see his old behavior doesn't get the same reaction. It's a process and is going to take time.

I hope this has been helpful to you! Goodluck!