3 Year Old Daughter Refuses to Go Potty on the Potty Chair

ah yes I have had this sorry kids are a challange I run water slowly in the sink some how the trickle makes them go might take a few min... have patience. And we use the big potty she likes to hold on to my arms so she wont fall in but they hate the potty chair dont know why but at 3 they do anyway mine did 2 girls one boy and three grandaughters. good luck it will happen.

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We had this exact same problem about six months ago. The best thing we did was just dropped the subject. It took stress off of us and our daughter. Give yourselves a break and try again later. Also, is she around other children her age that do go potty? Peer pressure can be positive at times. Hang in there. She will get to it before she starts kindergarten!!

A little about me: Working mother of two girls 8 and 4.

1 mom found this helpful

something my mom and grandma did with me and my brother and cousins, either give her a drink of water while she is sitting on the potty ( water in pee pee out - sometimes works) otherwise, get an empty and washed out shampoo bottle or other squirt type bottle, and fill it with water - room temperature is fine....then as she is sitting, squirt it gently between her legs, hitting her in the crotch - and saying pee pee or whatever word you want to use for going #1....it will make the same sound as peeing, and cool water makes it easier to go/harder to hold it.

Good Luck.

I knew of a little girl who would not SIT on the potty chair! Her parents built her a step stool to use the BIG POTTY. Then she would sit for a long time, sometimes she would use it then others....well... you know. they finally put a piece of paper on the wall beside the BIG POTTY (they used the little seat that sits on the big one so they don't fall through). Every time she would use the potty she got a sticker. when she got 10 stickers, she got to choose a treat at the store. The treat was normally a fruit snack, or something else....once in a while a candy bar or the like. When she got the paper full. She was rewarded with a very small toy. The 10 for a $1.00 type of toys!!!! What ever you try , don't make it a lot of stickers to earn. Start with maybe earning 2 and she gets to pick what she gets for supper. Sometimes just the step stool and the idea of being in the bathroom alone works. Maybe she is embarrassed about someone watching her. Hope some of these ideas help. Big girls get to go to school, and she is getting big. Maybe a trip to the local preschool will encourage her. Good Luck

While I know the urge to push our children into potty training at the age of three can be intense, my suggestion is that you let it go. Put her back in diapers full time until she tells you she's ready to be potty trained. My son was in diapers until he was 4! It was horrifying to think about his being so old and still in diapers, but then when he turned four (and we did say that when he turned 4 he HAD to start potty training) he immediately took to potty training and did an amazing job! He never had any accidents, while awake or asleep. You're daughter probably just isn't ready. What I had been told by a nurse when I was talking to her about my sons refusal to get out of diapers, was that kids that are pushed into potty training before they're ready tend to have more accidents and it tends to take a lot longer for them to be completely potty trained. There's nothing wrong with a three year old still wearing diapers. Another thing that worked with my son, was skipping the potty chair and going straight for the toilet. I'm not sure why, but he hated the potty chair - it was a neat one too, that played music as you went (the stream of urine caused the music to start, when the flow stopped, so did the music). So if you're dead set on getting your daughter potty trained, try that and see if it helps. Good luck!

B.,

Good for you that you took a break! Leave it alone for a while. Sometimes when we try too hard, we get the kids so upset that it becomes a power struggle. Keep the potty chair available, and I'll bet she wants to go in a few weeks.

L. :)

I have two girls and my oldest is 4. We used to sing on the toilet and that seemed to help her. We made up funny potty songs. Also, I remember telling her we needed to put the fire out in the potty. She would see how fast she could pee. Sounds crazy but it worked. Sounds like she she has a fear associated with the potty chair. We had similar issues with pooping. Believe it or not........she will be fine and she will eventually go on the potty chair. Maybe a friend or babysitter will be the one who cracks the code with her. Hope this helps!! Jenn

We just put my daughter in underwear one day and let her have accidents. We just had the carpet cleaner ready and cleaned up after her. She was trained in about two in a half days. We used pull ups before that and we will never do that again. She couldn't tell when she was wet in the pull ups, and we tried every kind out there. She didn't like being in wet underwear, so that worked great!! What ever you do, once you leave diapers, don't go back! That just confuses the kids. Once in underwear, stay in underwear and just bear with it. She will be trained in no time. Several of my friends have tried this approach and it worked for them. Good luck!!

What about trying food coloring in the toilet bowl water? Maybe seeing the color change after she potties in the water will be exciting. Another trick that worked for my 3 yr old son was the "diaper fairy". We collected all his diapers and pull ups, put them in a bag at the front door for the Diaper Fairy to pick up and take away. She left a special treat for him including a pack of new undies :). It worked! He has been potty trained ever since.

Have you tried running water while she is one the potty chair? Or even pouring a little bit of luke warm water on her bottom while sitting on the potty chair? Just a thought...it works with my daughter. Best of luck!

I say, let up a little. Too much pressure will back fire on you. She will do it when she's ready. She'll be out of diapers before kindergarten, guaranteed. I know it's frustrating and you just want to be done with it, but it has to be on her terms. See if you can find out what she's afraid of and ask her to tell you when she wants to try again. Continue to read books about it to her and mention other friends who use the potty but keep it positive. Maybe have her try to sit on the potty with all her clothes on, or use the potty as a chair infront of TV to get her comfortable with it.

Hi B., I know how you feel. My son is 3 years, 3 months. He can, and will, use the potty but chooses not to most of the time. He wants to wear underwear but then will pee in them. After letting him wear underwear for 10 days with no improvement I decided to put him back in pull-ups yesterday. It is sooo frustrating! On the other hand his 21 month old sister is training herself. She will probably be out of diapers within a month. I'm hoping that will give him incentive to do it himself. In the mean time I'm trying to relax about the whole thing and letting him take control. It sounds like your daughter needs the same thing. Although I do agree with some of the other readers that say you should have her checked out for an urine infection. It wouldn't hurt to at least call your pediatrician. Good luck!

Does she have a UTI or a blatter infection? I'd call your nurse line/pediatrician. She could be holding it because it hurts to go.

S. L.

Hi B.,

I am wondering if you have had your daughter checked for a Urinary Tract infection? It is possible for her to have no symptoms, but it might hurt really badly when she goes to the bathroom. Does she have the same trouble with bowel movements? Just a thought...

She is not ready to be potty trained. Please do not force her. She will go when she is ready. Turning it into an emotional power struggle could literally affect her for life. it is NOT a big deal to have to change diapers for a few more months. Just please for the sake of your child wait until she is ready.

Two suggestions:
1)Forget the "potty chair" and try moving right to the big potty.
2)Once she is on the big potty, turn the bathroom faucet on to a dripping noise. If she is holding the sound helps them release. It worked for one of my kids, and it is free and relatively easy.
Good luck!

You could try running the water in the sink, or even...pour a little luke warm water over the front of her, starting from right under her belly button and letting it trickle down her vagina. That always gets things flowing. Sometimes, my daughter would sit on the toilet and say (even with water running in the sink) "I don't have to go mom, it won't come out." I'd pour the water on her, (just a little trickle very slowly) and it would make her potty. Then, we celebrated like crazy and called Grandma, dad, uncles, etc. Success. Good luck. :)

It's ok to take a break and wait for her to be ready. My daughter wasn't able to really use the potty and be in underwear until she was almost 3 1/2. My husbands cousin tried to force her little one to use the potty and she kept getting bladder infections because she would hold it so long.

My doctor told us to just take her into the bathroom with us whenever we went to the bathroom. another thing was to bring the potty out to the living room until she was used to using it.
We just let her run around naked and after a week of that she was ready.

Sounds like there's a lot of stress associated with the issue. "Rewards" can generally cause "stage fright". I would say to completely back off and just have fun and enjoy your daughter doing the things that *she* likes to do. She won't be three forever. ;-)

Definitely let it go for a little while. Just take a "potty training vacation." Especially once they hit 3, LOTS of power struggle issues can arise, and that might be what's going on with her - that it's become a control issue for her - both control over her own body and NOT wanting to do what YOU want her to do. The length of the vacation can depend on whether there's some deadline coming up (like preschool) that she NEEDS to be trained for. Say you decide you're not even going to TALK about the potty for a month. Depending on your daughter's personality you may want to sit her down and tell her about the potty vacation - or you may not. It's all in your response to her, though. Keep the potty out, keep the potty books on the bookshelf, but let ANY mention of the potty come from her. Only read the books if SHE chooses them. Only take her to the potty if she asks for it. Then, after a month, start up REALLY GENTLY again. Maybe at bath time, when she's naked anyway, ask her if she'd like to sit on the potty for a few minutes, no pressure to produce, just sitting. If she says "no," wait another week and ask again. My guess is that long before you hit that month, she might start to initiate some potty use on her own - but let it come from her, on her own terms. The biggest thing I learned from potty training my son is that they do it when they're ready (emotionally and physically) and not a moment sooner, no matter what you do. The best advice I got was to provide him lots of gentle opportunities but basically stay out of his way and let him figure it out for himself. It may take several months, especially because she's so resistant now. But giving the control back to her for a little while, letting her make the decision, will be really powerful. She's not going to be wearing diapers to kindergarten, she's going to figure it out before then, don't worry.

Hi B. -

One thing I have not seen in the advice you have received so far is whether or not you have "modeled" the behavior. I know it may seem a little awkward, but have her come in the bathroom with you when you go. Ask her if she can hear you peeing (and pooping). Show how relaxed you are and tell her how good it feels (to you) to release. Show her how you wipe. Show her the pee, poop, and toilet paper in the toilet, then say, "bye bye pee pee (poo poo)" Show her your underwear and how you pull it down and up.

Do this all the time. Don't necessarily even discuss her going on the toilet. She may start to show interest, and if not, every so often say something like "when you are a big girl and go on the toilet, you can wear underwear like mommy"

I also agree that you should try the big toilet with a little seat for kids. My son is 21 months, and ever since he was born practically we have had him see us pee and poop. We also point it out to him when our dog is doing it in the yard.

He asks to go on the potty (he shifts from the real one (with a kid seat) to his little seat a few times)almost every day. He has not actually peed or pooped in it yet, but he says "get the poopy out" and I have heard him release gas - so he is getting it!

Try the modeling method for a few weeks and see if she turns around.

Good luck!
JAM

Hi B.-
We went through this EXACT situation when my daughter was that same age (she is now 4 1/2). In the end we did just back off until she was ready - and it only took another month or so. But, in the meantime, she got a urinary tract infection from holding it. We have a really wonderful doctor who sat with her and explained what happens when she doesn't drink enough or "holds her pees". I think having someone else tell her about it - without pressure! - made a huge difference. After that if she was hesitant we would just calmly remind her of her conversation with her favorite doctor and she would say "yeah, that's right" and go. I'm not saying this will work for every kid (having someone else talk to them about it), but it did for us. I would say the absolute BIGGEST issue is to not force it. This could turn into just the first of many power struggles - 'tis the age! ;-) And, as my mother in law says, she's not going to head off to college in diapers, just be patient!
One final note, our daughter never would go on a small potty chair - we got one of those small seats that fits on the big toilet and she's very happy with it.

First, I would have the doctor check her out to make sure she doesn't have an infection. Possibly it hurts for her to 'go'. If this isn't the case, then I would not make a big deal with the potty. Just mention, about every hour, that its time to use the restroom, go with her, and sit for a spell, and 'visit' with her, talking about A-B-C's or spelling or pronouncing words correctly(relaxing things). If she doesn't go, don't make a deal out of it, just try again a bit later. Also, suggest she always 'visit' the restroom before going anywhere, and always 'visit' the restroom before sitting down to eat. Basically, you are making the restroom 'just a normal part of the day', but without pressure to 'perform'. Go with her, but don't judge or pressure her, but praise her whenever she 'goes' (praise the same way as any other accomplishment...a quick hug, or a pat on the head). This worked with my daughter and also with my 1 1/2 year old granddaughter.

I would take her to the doctor first to rule out an infection. Sometimes that can make it sting. Secondly, I would use the toilet instead of the potty chair. It bounces back on you when you go in the potty chair. She might not like that feeling. Hang in there. I'm potty training number 7 and have survived this many times!

You are doing everything really well and patiently, it can be frustrating. As much as you hate to hear this...skip the diapers with the exception of nap or overnight. Panties all the way...let her pick out the prettiest one's she can find (my daughter went for princess) and then remind her she doesn't want to pee in her BEAUTIFUL NEW PANTIES and then leave it alone. If she pees, let her sit in it for a minute to feel the cold wetness, after a few times she'll hate being wet!!! and a bonus she'll hate going in her gorgeous new panties. With my stubborn daughter it only took once after the above.

The only thing I can think of (and hopefully someone has already suggested this)is to turn on the faucet once you get her situated on the toilet.

My oldest daughter did this, too. By the time she was 3 years old, I began seeing all the children her age at church wearing underwear, and I hadn't even thought of starting. I began immediately trying to potty train her, and nothing worked. I was at my wit's end! I received some advice to just put her back into diapers for a few months and try it again. After all, you never see children begin Kindergarten wearing diapers! I waited only a week or two,(instead of a few months) and tried it again. With the stress off, she succeeded.

B.
Pur your daughter on a every 2 hour routine,"Lets go potty now"do this over and over again. Trained behavior. Let her know its potty time and make it relaxing, and not forceful and fun to do, Let her know its a big girl thing to do and it will make her feel better. And it is ok to let it come out and let go. Explain to her that you also do it. Three olds are old enough to understand. Sometimes children are not exactly ready yet to be potty trained and many times I have know children not to be potty trained until 4 years of age their body development do not permit them before. No matter what the situation is it is best to start the behavior right away, and many times they are potty trained before they start kindergarten. Make her feel its a "good thing to do" and sometimes rewards work. Example: ask her what is that she likes to do the best, if she says: Mommy I want you to play with me, you then compremise by saying,(childs name), You and I go potty first, then we can go play together. This usually works. Also try to run the water, or have the child hold a cold wet wash cloth, that sometimes triggers wanting to go to the bathroom. Good luck! KM

B.,
My daughter was going on the potty and then refused all of a sudden when she was about 20 months old. I waited about a month and would put her in pull ups, which she loved b/c they made her feel like a big girl. I think what made a difference for us is when she would wake up dry in her pull-up, we would praise her for staying dry (not just for using the potty). And when she did go on the potty, we'd sing and dance about what a great big girl she was! Also, try doing a little bit of a routine. I always put my daughter on the potty or toilet as soon as she woke up, and always before bedtime. During the day instead of asking her if she wanted to go, I would tell her "lets go sit on the potty" about every 2 hours or so. Good luck.

Have you tried having her use the regular toilet? There are smaller seats that you can get to sit on top. My son was not a fan of the potty chair either, but he used the big toilet without a problem. He was potty trained at 28 months.

What about the things that we would release our bladder for? Maybe put her hand in a bowl of warm water, running the faucet, even tickling might work? I know it's a shot in the dark, but something's gotta work, right? Good Luck!

Try dribbling cold water down her belly or her front so that she feels the sensation of being wet. Sometimes that can encourage her to "let loose".

I was really interested in this post because we are having the same issue! My son is 3 Yrs. +2 mon. and has no interest in the potty. He freaks out when we put him on, etc. and does not know how to "let it go" He says his doesn't work. He has a twin brother who has been potty trained since Nov. with no problems- so I just figured my other one would follow! I am just waiting awhile to really push it, but love to read all the little tricks that people are writing about! I know when my daughter was trained it really had to be her idea before she would even think about it- and once they figure it out and are really ready it happens SO fast and easy. BUt, I, like you, am really tired of changing diapers! It is frustrating! Good luck!

I know this may sound weird but is she ever in the bathroom when you go. Try taking her with you and letting her see that is is ok to go on the potty. Maybe she will start sitting on her little potty while you are on the big potty -even if she has all of her clothes on when doing it.
I had my middle child sit on the potty before she was even ready to get her use to it. She was allowed in the bathroom with me. She went one day and I praised her. After that she was good to go. She was potty trained before she reached the age of 2. Yes this is early- every child is different.

My Daughter had a similar fear of the potty chair. I think it pinched her once and scared her. I started to take her with me when I went to the bathroom. I would start to talk to her about something interesting to her and then bring her with me under the guise of wanting to hear all about whatever it was. I would overact to show her how bad I had to go and how much better I felt when I was done.
We also set a goal for her to work for. We also told her there were things we could not do until she could go on the potty. She loved to go to the lake to swim and play in the sand but there is nowhere to change a diaper. Sometimes a little negative reinforcement works best for her. So when she would ask we would say "No sorry honey its too hard for us to go there because we cant change your diaper, maybe when you can use the big girl potty"
I am not sure which worked better but Like all the other challenges of parenting, you just make it work somehow.
Good Luck!

If she's three she should be able to talk about what she is afraid of about the potty chair. Ask her what scares her.

Get her the books, "Once Upon a Potty" and "Everybody Poops" - both are current titles and can be found at the library. Ask the librarian about more books that are about childhood issues with peeing.

There is a little trick to releasing the bladder that you could turn into a game: tickling the skin on the sacrum (just above the tail bone area). Show her that potty time is tickling time and she will release the bladder without even knowing how. This, though, should be done after you find out what her fears are and work on getting her comfortable with the chair.

I would encourage you to back off on the pressure too. Children tend to respond negatively to pressure - and rewards don't work. It's best to find stories of children who have survived and/or struggled and overcome the potty training experience. She needs to know that she too can have big feelings about these things.

I'm not sure if this will help but here goes. Try running the faucet in the bathroom while she is on the potty with cold water maybe even sprinkle her tummy with cool water and keeping the temp in the room cool as possible. Once she has a couple of successful visits it should start getting easier. I know when I have a full bladder and I hear water running or it is cold or I go out in the cold it is harder to hold my bladder. This is the case whether you are child or an adult. Once she has a successful time and of course every successful time should be rewarded. Also no flushing while she is within ear shot for awhile as she could be having a problem with being scared that part of her is going to be flushed down the toilet.
I raised 3 daughters and each one trained differantly now the oldest daughter has 3 girls and 3 boys all of them trained differantly. Her youngest turned 4 Jan. 14th. and was the slowest of all to potty train. She still has trouble when she sleeps but she has finally gotten control when she is awake.
She started Head Start school last year and I think that helped being with other kids that were in differant stages of training.
I'm sure you already know that you shouldn't use food or snacks to reward. A star chart is good then so many stars they get to do something they like to do.
Good Luck Hope this works for you.

I agree to giving her a break. Then giving more fluids. My advice is to take her on a special trip to the store to pick out a special potty seat that she can be excited about and maybe even some new big girl undies that she can start wearing if she starts going on the potty. Let her see you go potty so she sees that there's nothing to be afraid about it. If you don't mind the laundry, you could also let her nap in her undies and when she gets wet she won't like the feel of it and realize she needs to go on the potty.

B.,
My daughter was the same way and there were several things that helped her. #1 Instead of a potty chair, I bought her a fun little seat that fits inside a regular toilet seat. She hated the potty chair, loved going on the big potty. I bought her a matching step so that she had something that was just her own to use. #2 She sings ALL OF THE TIME. So, we created a potty song. We sing it to the tune of Blue's Clues. "I am gonna go potty, I am gonna go potty, I am gonna go potty, "cause I'm a very big girl." Sometimes, she would go sit and sing for 10-15 minutes before she even went potty. It relaxed her, and it made the potty fun. We also used a reward card. I bought her the biggest Elmo card I could find and some Elmo stickers. We set the card up next to the potty. When she went in the potty, she got to pick a sticker, and put it wherever she wanted. When she went in her pants, I pulled out the card and talked to Elmo about how she was really going to try the next time to go to the potty so she could put another sticker on his nose. She would laugh, and almost always go in the toilet the next time. When she finshed a sheet of stickers, she got a new Elmo movie.
From what you have said, she is scared of the potty. Find something that makes her comfortable. My daughter also used to take her blanket with her. Find what makes her comfy, and go with that. If it is coloring, let her color. let her sing, let her play with the flusher, let her know where the potty goes. She will get it, and it will be like a bulb going off in her head. It is frustrating, but hang in there.
A.

Is she interested in going to school? Our 3 yr old daughter was not wanting to use the potty either, but she has cousins in school and is always wanting to go with them. We told her that she had to use the potty and not wear diapers before she could go to school. It took a couple of weeks, and some notes sent home from "the teacher" but we are now diaper free, even at night!!! We are taking her to Sunday school this weekend for her first school day and she is very excited.

I would just let it go. It is really stressful to her right now. I am trying to start potty training with my daughter and she won't have anything to do with it yet. She is going to be 3 in August. All kids do it in their own time and some just take longer than others. I am not going to force the issue with my daughter and go by her cues. I know some preschools need the child potty trained so letting it go isn't an option. I would just ignore it for not until she brings it up and maybe act like it isn't a big deal and she might start going on the potty for you. Sometimes little ones get scared because of the expectations we put on them and they are afraid of failing us. Revisit it again in a couple of months and she might be more willing to do it. All kids eventually DO get potty trained. :) She senses your stress too, which makes things worse. So my advice, calm down, let it go and things will work themselves out.

Wait til the weather warms up and let her loose in the backyard for the weekend sometime butt naked.

Seriously I've heard of this before. Put a potty chair out there and plan on spending your entire weekend in the backyard. Just plan fun and exciting things to do. Plant a garden, get a slip n slide, sandbox, get some great books.

Right now I'd take a break she sounds stressed out and power struggling with you.

B.; dont fret over it my kids never took it till a bout 4, relax, she cant hold it in forever, maybe she is embarrassed, dont know i knew a mom who had a daughter who did the same thing, except she put her through alot of drs tests to find out what was going on, she was not going, and going in her pants after holding it for too long, the results they found out she was fine, she just was too stubborn to go, the family learned her early signs and were able to help her, hey maybe try giving her more liquids too, and do the opposite make her go more often, she cant hold too much, but i would not go anywhere, just offer her more drinks , water koolaid, watermelon, etc, lots of water if she will take it, not too much juice thats not good in large quantities, water wont hurt her, but try more more more, and see if she will go , she will probably pee pants many times, or maybe she needs big girl panies so she can control going herself? some do ya know, who knows keep trying, be patient, it will come D. s mom of 3,