2 Year Old Rules Our House, Won't Sleep in Her Own Bed

Hi N.,
Let me preface this by saying that our son always slept in his own room, so I don't have personal experience with this, but I know many people who have successfully dealt with the same issue. A quick note about the Nanny TV show reference; my brother actually worked on Supernanny (there was also Nanny 911, or something like that), and he knows Jo, the nanny who visits the families. Apparently, she is very, very good -- for real. Her methods are quite effective. Of course she is on a TV show, and you can't take everything at face value, but my brother did say that her methods are amazing and work very well. I have one friend who did what another poster suggested, which is put her daughter (who was almost 18mos) in her own crib in mom and dad's room. Each couple of nights they would scoot the crib a few inches further away from mom and dad's bed. At one point, the crib was right in the doorway. Then it was in the hall and finally in her daughter's room. It took two or three weeks, I think, but it worked. My cousin's son would start in his own room (I'm not remembering what age he was, though I think he was at least 2) but would always come into his parents' room during the night. They actually had to put up a gate in his doorway (that he couldn't open or climb over) and just let him scream for a few nights. He got the picture and eventually gave up, but it was heart wrenching for his parents. Personally, I would try one of the other methods first!
K.

Hi N.;

I just joined Mama source today and the first thing I saw was you asking for help. I did this with my children also. Not good to sleep with your children when they are babies...I learned the hard way.

Just let your little one fall asleep in your bed. Then, move her to her bed, as soon as you know she is completely out.

When she wakes up in the am. she's going to wonder why? Then make sure you tell her everyday when she wakes up, why she is in her room and not mommy's and daddy's. She might wake up frightened...if she does, as soon as she's asleep, she's back in her own bed.

It will take some on your part, depending on how stubborn she is. It's almost like toilet training or bottle breaking.

Another one is if you have older children, she could sleep with the older ones, that leaves mom and dad to sleep alone, oh the joy of no children in your bed.

And last but not least, and I've tried them all, put her bed in your room, then she has her bed next to yours and keep explaining that she has to sleep in her own bed. Eventually, you will win!

I have raised 3 children, and working on 4 grandchildren, one who is always at my home, and the last being my baby. But it wasn't her who did this to me. It was my oldest daughter) my middle child. When she was six, I finally decided I had had enough. And, with that, I locked our bedroom door and she slept outside the room, on the hallway floor. After a few days she realized she couldn't sleep with mommy and daddy anymore. But now, her son doesn't sleep with her...lol.

Hi N.,
you sound quite frustrated and desperate. I am sorry you have reached this stage.

My son, now almost 8, would often seek us out during the night even after he started sleeping in his own room. We had him on a mattress on the floor in his room and would often need to lie down with him, or near him to help him settle and go to sleep. If he was really not settling then we would warn him that we would not stay, if he did not settle down then we would leave. Our rule was that you did not need to go to sleep, you just need to lie quietly in your bed. Early in the process there were a few nights of firmly but gently returning him to his room several times until the limits had been well established.

We then took him looking at "real beds" (we chose IKEA for a number of reasons, including price) and let him choose the bed he could earn by showing us that he could stay in his own room throughout the night for most nights for a month. We explained we were not willing to spend money on a bed he hadn't shown us he was going to use. When he achieved the goal we bought him the bed and helped him set up his room how he likes it.

Even now when he is experiencing stress or change he may ask for someone to keep him company while he goes to sleep. We set up a cozy place for ourselves and read or work on the lap top until he is sleeping. This doesn't happen often and it helps him to know we are available if really needed.

I have discussed this issue with other moms too. One idea I liked was a small mattress in the parents room that was made up. If the child needed to come to them during the night they were allowed to but had to sleep on the floor bed not crawl in and disturb the parents in the main bed, their kids almost all went through a phase of doing this and then just stopped when they were ready.

There is no one right way to handle this situation. Everyone needs to find their own way. Some find a way to successfully have the child continue to sleep with them, as long as everyone actually can sleep. In some cultures it would be unheard of to evict a 2 year old from the parents bed. Left to themselves most children move out of the parental bed between the ages of 3 and 6 years.

There is nothing wrong with having her stay with you as long as you can make it work. If it can't work for you though then it may take a while of various approaches, patience and perseverance to achieve your goal.

It is likely that the more secure she feels in general, and the more she knows you will be there for her no matter what (even if not exactly the way she wants), then the more likely she will transition successfully.

Good luck.

K. H.

Some children are more insecure at night than others ...

First, does your toddler share a room? Sometimes sharing helps, the child knows he or she is not alone at night.

Second, would you consider having your toddler on a separate bed in your room? When my oldest was 18 months old or so, he loved to sleep on a makeshift "bed" at the foot of our bed (a habit acquired when we had guests in his room, but better than being in OUR bed).

Either of the above are the easiest answers, probably. If those aren't viable, you have to get your toddler excited about being in his or her own special bed. Pick it out together, or get a new comforter together. Talk about what makes him or her want to be in your bed, and do your best to address those factors within his or her own bed. Sometimes a special cuddle toy helps, too.

And then be firm and consistent. Tell you child, "this is where you sleep. If you come to us in the middle of the night, I will take you back to your room," and so on. Then DO it. EVERY time.

I have to admit that my 7 year old still crawls into our bed fairly regularly in the middle of the night, and we're too tired to do anything but move over. She is so polite about it, lol, always asking before she gets in. Still, when I'm in a phase where I seriously want her out, I will walk her back to her own room and stay with her until she falls back asleep. She has a trundle I can always pull out and sleep on, when she needs company.

I also remember helping my older child, my son, understand that he wasn't really alone at night by "holding hands through the wall" while he fell asleep. That was a really sweet routine we had for a while, and it helped with some of his nighttime separation issues. Don't be afraid to be creative! And DO try to take the time to understand what your toddler's unique underlying need is.

I've been a little easy on all of it, because I truly believe the kids grow out of it on their own, just maybe needing a gentle nudge. They are small for such a short time ...

having lived thru 6 years with one who had only a brief period of staying in her bed all night, until she decided it was time, I may only be able to provide the knowledge that it is unlikely your kid will stick to this pattern into adolescence. It may also be that a new very attractive bed(it was pink and fancy,being cast off by another girl) acquired during a move had a strong influence on mine. Might be worth a try if you haven't gone that route yet.

I went through your exact problem. With my first son, I just loved sleeping with him, and frankly when I went back to work it was just easier to sleep with him so I could get some sleep. When he was a few months old I started trying to put him in his own bed (mostly because my hubby was pressuring me too---I would have preferred to just keep him in our bed!). We consulted our doctor, bought books, researched online, and got tons and tons of advice.
All of our research resulted in us spending the next several years trying out every method and spending many sleepless nights stressing about the problem. The advice I hated the most was the "just let them cry.." man those were some rough nights!

With my second son, I just simply never once brought him into my bed--and it was never an issue. He is 8 years old and has never slept in our bed--other than with the occassional nightmare.

Looking back, if I could change the way I handled it, I honestly would have just given up and had him sleep in our bed until he was old enough for me to discuss it with him and give him incentives to sleep in his own bed (maybe 3 or 4 years old). The advice that we were given would sometimes help for two or three nights, but then he would be right back in our bed.

I hope that doesn't sound negative and I don't want to deter your efforts! But if I can avoid your having many sleepless nights, then hopefuly this has helped. I guess ultimately what I'm saying is, if he's used to being in bed with you....it may be easier at this point to just keep him in your bed until he is old enough for you to discuss this with him and set some rules. I guarantee you he WILL sleep in his own bed at some point. My son is 14 now and hasn't been in bed with us since he was 4 years old....he is a great sleeper now!

Hi N., I read your note and maybe you have tried this already but here it goes. I have a grand daughter who used to do this to me when she came to visit. I was watching the Nanny show..Yes I know, but what she had the TV mom do was great so I tried it and it really worked for me. The mother would put the child to bed and then sit on the floor next to the bed but never making eye to eye contact she would sit real still with her head down and be very quite. Remember no eye to eye contact. Everytime the child would get out of bed she would put the child back to bed and kiss her and then sit right back on floor next to the bed never making eye contact. She said it was the hardest thing to do. She had to ignore the yelling, screaming and crying. But what she would do everynight that she sat on the floor is...each night she would move a little further away from the bed. Still sitting in the same position, facing the same direction with her head down and no eye to eye contact. By the end of the week or maybe it may take two weeks, she had moved further away from the bed and closer to the bedroom door and finally she went out the bedroom door on that last night. That night the child never got out of bed and slept through the night. I think it's a (separation anxiety issue).The mom said it was over whelming and tiring but she was glad she did it. Try this maybe this will work for you to. N. O, I am no doctor just a mother and grandmother.

D.

hi N.,

i feel your problem. my son who is now 8, was in our bed until he was 3. i also, have done all the research and they only thing that work for us was tough love for a week.

we started by fixing up his room, so that he would feel comfortable. we let him pick out his own bedding, chairs and specials toys. then we started putting him in his own bed. and of course he keep getting out. if he came out we keep putting him back in. we did not let are guard down for 1 minute. we keep continuing to go back and forth all night long. of course, he was crying and scream, but you can let that bother you. after hours of walking back and forth,he finally fell asleep in his own bed. the next few night, were all the same. by the end of the week, he was in his own bed. so, pick a week to start, because you will not get very much sleep. IT WAS WELL WORTH THE SLEEPLESS NIGHT!

hope this help!
Bonita