18 Year Old Son Won't Meet My Boyfriend

It seems the older boys are at a divorce, the tougher it is for them to accept a "new man" in mom's life. He was 15. He probably has issues about you leaving him and now replacing dad. There's really nothing you can "do" -- just give him time. And it might take a long time for him to accept the new man.

I don't think I would push it. He's at a volatile time in his life. I would write him a letter or (if he will) sit down and talk to him and say, "You know your dad and I have been done for awhile. I wish everything had worked out, but it didn't, and I know you wish it had. However, I really love ____, and you're a man now, and more than anything I want you in my life. I'm not asking you to love him like a father or even refer to him as such, but I would really love for you to be part of our life together and I ALWAYS want you as part of MY life. If you choose not to meet him or see him, I will still make arrangements to see YOU because you're my amazing child, but I can't tell you how much it would mean to me if you would please see us together." It may take awhile, but I'll bet he'll come around. Sometimes it just takes time.

Give him time. As a child of MULTIPLE divorces, you need to cut him some slack. He was VERY hurt by the situation. It may have been better for everyone concerned, but that doesn't mean it was easy. Emotionally he has lost a lot, and now you want him to be nice to the person who is, in essence, "replacing" his dad. Be honest with him, respect his feelings, but let him take his time about it. I'm not sure how to communicate with him to get him to let you know what's going on in his head about the situation, but do your best not to get mad/defensive about how he feels if he's angry with you/the divorce/the boyfriend - HE didn't ask for the situation, he's just stuck with it.

Seriously, you've known this man for 1.5 years, your son has been yours for 18. I know what it's like to be in 2nd place behind the boyfriend. I don't mean don't have a life, but I do mean that your relationships with your kids can only take so much damage before they collapse.

Good luck!

My parents got divorced when I was 17 and I had a hard time with it even though I could see both sides and could intellectually understand. My mom got remarried when I was 19 and I had a hard time with that too--she wasn't sure I would want to come to the wedding. So I can tell you a little bit of what was going through my head. My mom wanted badly for us to accept and like her boyfriend (future husband), she wanted to bring him to *everything.* I think she wanted to expose me (and my siblings) to him as much as possible so that we could get to know him. The result was not what she wanted, though. Instead we just felt foisted upon. Also, in this time, my mom was rediscovering herself after 20 years of being a parent (since her teen years) and temporarily lost interest in her kids. Soooo, my advice is to schedule some 1 on 1 time with your son. Do NOT talk about your boyfriend at all. Don't even talk much about yourself. Ask him about himself. Find out what's going on with him. 18, although technically "grown up," is a very tumultuous time. He's probably changed a lot in the last couple years. You'll probably learn a lot and he'll feel like he's being listened to, which is a small thing, but a really BIG thing. Given some time and attention he'll simmer down and as he matures he'll also appreciate you more as a person and take an interest in your life and happiness, which should include wanting to meet your fiance.

Edited to say: Haven's response, I think, reads a lot into your letter and is rude rather than constructive. To all Mamasource people: People really open themselves up when they write a question to the group and they only have so much room--you can't write a book here!--so it's safe to say that we don't have all the information. Comments should really be constructive in nature. Even IF someone has made a terrible mistake, in your opinion, berating him or her is not going to help in the slightest. It's hard to be a good influence, when you're "yelling" at someone.

Well he has a little bit of time to take this in before the wedding. Move on with your life, he is now an adult and will have to learn how to deal with his feelings and understand life's problems.

I was an adult when my Dad remarried. It was a bit of a different situation, however I still didn't want any part of her. I never met her until the day he married her and I was never told he was getting married. My cousin called me and told me my Dad got married and wanted me to be at the celebration dinner. I already had plans and wasn't going to change my plans until my friend I was going out with guilted me into it. We "showed up". My dad presented her as my stepmother and I had never met her. I really felt as if she was thrown on me and I didn't even know her. There were no missed opportunities to meet her, as there were no opportunities prior to the wedding.

In retrospect, while his way of going about this was completely wrong, he still had every right to move on with my life. In fact, it was probably better for my mother that he did, but I guess I still had that inner child in me that wanted things to work between my parents.

Wow, this is tough on your son.
There is probably a lot of unresolved feelings about the divorce the separation and you moving out and not taking the boys with you.

Sometimes, I think divorce can be harder on older kids than young kids.
I was a child of divorce and it is amazing how even now as an adult, certain feeling will rush over me in certain situations with my parents. and it has been 36 years since my parents divorce was final..

Your son is in college, so going to therapy with you would be very difficult for him to have to deal with, but I think it is something you 2 should discuss for the future or next summer.

His priority should be college, so, maybe during the holidays you can have a sit down and listen to what he has to say.

PLEASE do not take offense to what he is feeling or may say. If your son is like me, this is making him feel very guilty, but it may come off as selfish, childish and uncaring of YOUR feelings, but it is a defense mechanism. If you think you can handle it, let him know you are strong enough to hear his real feelings, his concerns and his needs.

You are at a different point with all of this. The main reason is because you got to make all of the decisions and your sons did not..They need to deal with this. Your son sounds like he needs time, and he is just not ready to have a new member of the family yet.

You also need to explain to them that you are a woman, with needs and how you feel about your fiance. You may need to be honest about how you met him and why you are wanting to be married. Let them know why you love this man. Let them also know he will NEVER try to replace their father and you and he would never expect that. Let them know they are free to speak about their father, and their memories of their childhood at any time even in front of your fiance, so that they will not feel like that is off limits..

Your son sees you as his mom, not as a woman in love with a man they have never met. That is completely foreign to them to now see you as a woman who is in love with anyone outside of their family is strange. Also it can bring up feelings of why could you not love our father, when we are so much like him.

Congratulations on your new life. I am sending you strength. You do deserve to be happy and to be loved. Just give them some time to come around.

He is going to need time, there is this wonderful thing that happens in life, when it is time for something to happen it will. I would choose not to bring up your fiance or wedding plans in conversation as it probably puts him off and simply talk about him and what he has going on in his future seeing that he is starting college and becoming a man. Let him work this out on his own and when the time is right it will be known.

It must be hard for him. He is still hurting from the divorce and can't fathom seeing you with another man and not with his father. Your best is to ask him about his feelings, listen and listen and listen and never negate. Always just understand him. Say words like, "I hear you," "You are right to feel this way," "It must be so painful for you," and again and again, "tell me more about what it has been like for you." Avoid convincing and drop your agenda. When you pursue it, he feels that you are going against him and that you do not hear him.

Your goal is not that he would obey your wish and meet your boyfriend. He has a right not to. Your goal is to connect with him. When he feels heard, loved and connected, it is much more likely that he will move on to meet your man, of his own free will. But he may not and you will have to make peace with that and love him the way he is.

Most importantly, only listen and do not try to convince and implore that he would meet your boyfriend. Your son must know that you love him with no conditions and that it is up to him. He will probably come to accept your man at some point, but only if free to come to it of his own.

With care,
N. Aldort, Author of Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves

The same thing happened with my brother's new wife. The son did not show up for the wedding but 6 months after the wedding he started coming around. I think that before you remarry it is hard for them to accept that things are different. Perhaps he secretly harbors a desire that you and his dad will get back together, perhaps he is just resentful. With time and maturity he will most likely get over it. For now you should just be patient and pray. If he doesn't come to the wedding then he just doesn't come but you shouldn't focus on that...your wedding day is about your new life with your new husband. That is what you should focus on and be joyful.

Try and look at it from his perspective. You showed him what your priority was...you. You can't blame him if he's just not that into someone who's not that into him. I'm sorry if it sounds harsh, but no matter how difficult the circumstances, your kids are worth fighting for. You found someone new. He is still mourning the loss of you. Boys love their mommies like nothing else.

There is no easy way to fix this. My sense is, a lot of irreparable harm has been done. Time might heal, but don't push it with him. I'd suggest a counselor. GL.

It's just going to take time. Boys have a hard time when mom remarries, I've had the same type of situation. When my current husband and I got married, we let all the kids know but we had a private ceremony just so it wouldnt be stressful for everyone. After we were married everything turned out just fine. Boys feel very loyal to their dads and they take awhile to embrace the change. Once they see mom is happy and stepdad is a good guy it will all be ok.

You are going to have to be really patience with him.He really have to deal with this on his own and you might be able to talk to like Julie B said it.But the fact is that when he is really ready to cope with the fact that his wonderful mom is going to have another man to focus her attention on besides him and his sibling.Any one will get a little upset.I get upset when my dogs think that our dog walker is better than me.All these time,him and his bro was your only special guys and now it's going to be different.Any kid will have a hard time and some can handle better than other.Be patence and give him some time.

I wouldn't push him, keep talking to him and spending time with him and let him decide when or if he wants to meet your bf.

Don't stress about it. He's grown & you are grown. Keep yourself available to him, just as you always have. If your son never meets your fiance don't worry about it. Both of your lives will go on just fine.

Hi C.,
I, too, am recently divorced and know the turmoil that goes on around it, especially when you have older children. It sounds like some people judge you for leaving your boys but life is complicated so I hope they will give you some slack since they don't know your whole story.

Two of my children are adults and I'm learning to be their mom while letting them be their own people and make their own choices. It's hard! I want to make things OK for them, I want to have a good relationship with them but they have their own struggles and want to figure things out for themselves. It takes time and I have to just pray and watch.

You did what you could by staying in contact and planning around your son's schedule. Now the ball is in his court and he gets to choose. No matter what happens in the short term, don't lose heart, you are still his mom and he still needs you.

Read Julie's answer over and over and over. Deep down he probably thought you and his dad would get back together, I believe most kids think that. YOU an HIS DAD put your child in one of the worst situation a child can face. There is no way you can undo the hurt, anger and damage that you both caused your children. You made poor choices and now you get to walk the road you created. Asking your young man to stand up and act like a man will be a tough job when he is emotionally still troubled. Help him learn some skills to deal with this and all future issues like this. Do your research and help him.

Your fairybook wedding is not reality. You are trying to squish your children into a role they don't want to play. Step back from the situation and look through the eyes of your children, they deserve that much.

None of us know you or your situation, so first off, I would take some of the very emotional responces you have received with a grain of salt.

Secondly, I will say that most kids go through a rough patch with their parents for a period of time around ages 17-20 - the actual age varies a bit kid to kid, but regardless of how your childhood went, you have to redefine your role with your parent as you become an adult child/parent relationship rather than the kid-grownup relationship you have had all your life. That is hard no matter what the circumstances in your life are. Plus, while doing this you are faced with big life desicions such as career paths, college, new living arrangements, etc.

No matter how valid your reasons were for leaving your sons with their father, I am guessing there will be some abandonment feelings, even if your sons intellectually understood your reasoning. We can't control all of our emotions, even if we know they come from an irrational place. When you combine these feelings with the turmoil of your son's current life stage, it can make it really hard for your son to see things from your perspective.

I would focus on building my relationships with both the two sons and the fiance, but not together. As your son develops some confidence in you and his abilities to handle all of the new adult aspects in his life, he will be able to start empathizing with the other people in his life, including you and your fiance. Some of the people have encouraged you to not speak about your fiance at all, but I would go with the everything in moderation approach. Among the many other things you talk about, the fiance should come up some - but I would not make it a pressure topic or talk about fiance/wedding excessively. Make time for your son, and seek to understand his life while sharing some of yours. This is how adults relate to eachother. Maybe your son will no-show at the wedding, maybe not. Either way, I would focus on the long term relationship, not on the wedding.

Good Luck!!

GEE, Julie can I be your Child, That was SWEET!!! :o)

C.,
I would write down every word the Julie wrote..... LOLOLOL :o)

You turned his world upside down and left him (even if it was with his father). You got a boyfriend before you were divorced and your son is hurt over this. I would have tried to make things right with my children before choosing a wedding date. What's the rush??

Just take it a day at a time. He'll come around when he's ready. Worry about next May when next April hits-until then, it's not going to do you a lick of good to try to see into the future, just enjoy what positives you have going on today and be patient.

You left him with his father. Is that what he wanted? Was he happy there? Now you are going to marry another man. Of course he's obstinate. Did you take your son weekends or vacations?
He's very likely getting back at you. If he doesn't come to your wedding there is nothing you can do about it.
What about your older son. Is he close to you. If you can talk with him about your problem maybe he can help you to find out what is troubling his brother.

Don't expect him to like your boyfriend. He is still angry about the divorce. His world was screwed up. He doesn't like the fact that his mom has a boyfriend. Go ahead with your plans, but allow your son his freedom.