21 answers

18 Year Old Daughter Still in High School

I have a daughter who is still living at home. She is 18 years old and a senior at High School. We support her financially. She has a Part time job. She feels she can do whatever she wants. She has some chores at home. She started to see an ex boyfriend who does things that we feel is a bad influence and she feels she can spend the night at her Boyfriends any time. He Graduated and is 19yrs. She has been disrespectful to Mom and will argue, slap Mom or deny things. What should I do? She doesnt seem to care what the parents say and is defiant anyways.

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank You to all for the advice. This is not all of a sudden. It has been a few years testing the waters. Yes my daughter does want to Graduate. She turned 18 in the summer and had plans of moving after graduating. She does want to be treated like an adult and we did talk about her responsibilities while living in our home. We did talk to her about what can happen if she didnt graduate and what could happen if she went out into world and being on own. Sometimes when she is argumentative and wants to do things her way she will bump me or on occasion slapped me when out of control with attitude. Not an ongoing thing. She has been told about what will happen if she did it again. I do appreciate the comments because this really is helping me to decide my next course of action. As far as the boyfriend he lives with his parents. He claims he isnt a people person and she is always going to his house. I have no control what she does there. I know that she is an adult and there are house rules. She does follow them most of time. I think she really wants to try. She knows my position on Respecting me and others. I did talk to her about calling Police if she gets out of control and ever hits me again. I do take her things away when needed. She also says if she bought it I cant take it. (IPod, I bought phone she pays her share). We gave the boyfriend a chance before to come to our house he came over 3 times in 8 months. She doesnt have license or car. She does have spending money from her job and tries not to spend a lot. My daughter is always testing the waters and does make good choices most of the time and realizes when she makes mistakes. I do have a son 22 and I havent gone through with him as much as I am with her. Things are ok for now. Thanks again.

Featured Answers

I doubt this all of a sudden started. 18 year olds don't just all of a sudden begin these behaviors. If she were mine she would get nothing from me. Her phone, ipod, nice clothes, favorite foods, transportation, would all be gone. Her room would not have a door. She would have a sleeping bag on the floor of her empty room. I would take it all. She could earn it back. The locks on the house would be changed and the door would be closed and locked at a set time in the evening. It wouldn't be opened until morning. If she wasn't home at the set time I would report her as a run away. My house, my rules. If she slaps anyone, I'de call the cops.

5 moms found this helpful

If you kick her out before graduation, she will likely not graduate and she might run to the exboyfriend who will be her hero.
My MIL got hit several times by my SIL. She knew she could get away with it. Also, my MIL ran after her still nagging and yelling when clearly she was done talking. I told MIL that she needs to let people leave when they get done with the drama and she needs to stop chasing after them. When people are calm, they can resolve issues. She drove 90 trying to catch up with a grandchild who she called slut and started attacking. I don't blame her for leaving.

More Answers

You know... the BIGGEST thing that got through to me was actually what my BF's parents said:

It doesn't matter if you're 18 or 50... as an adult you have a RESPONSIBILITY to treat those you live with with kindness & respect, and to take extra care with people who love you, because they worry about you being safe, happy, and successful. She had us think about what we would do if a room mate came screaming at us, or was slamming the doors, or was keeping us awake... etc., etc., etc. Things that become "okay" in families, for some reason. And what recourses we'd have (since she expected we'd get at least 1 lousy room mate in our lives, or one abusive boyfriend/girlfriend). From talking about the problem to calling the cops and having the person forcibly evicted/ restraining order, not keeping hard things secret from those who love us, etc.. Ditto she had us start journaling OUR behavior for a month to see how it would "translate" in the real world / what we could legally do to prevent someone treating US the way we were treating others. It REALLY helped to see my parents and family as PEOPLE.

MY parents demanded obedience. SHE demanded understanding. Understanding the reasons behind behaviors was about a zillion times more useful to me.

This is the same mum who when her kids were 16 just "left" for 24 hours without telling any of them, so the kids were *beside* themselves with worry. Her kids had been breaking curfew. When she came home she used the same lines on them that they had been using on her.

Same token, (same year even maybe) at one point she made each child responsible for all grocery shopping and cooking for a week. It worked so well that both children were responsible for 1 week a month. ESP since both kids had activites and stuff so they'd have to work out schedules to make sure the family got fed / aka there was no "out". The could occasionally trade a day IF the other was willing/able, but by and large their week was their week. And if they cheated and served Ramen, they'd get an EARFUL from the others who had to eat it.

I really liked my BF's mum. She had a real "Let the punishment fit the crime" kind of mentality, combined with having her kids "walk a mile in her shoes" when they were being disrespectful/ taking her for granted.

14 moms found this helpful

My house, my rules. You show me respect or it is time to leave. When she pays the bills, she can make the rules - including being able to come and go as she pleases. Time to push the bird out of the nest. Lovingly. Let her know you will not live like that.

My grandmother used to say "No one can walk on you unless you lie down and let them."

Reminds me of a quote from Eleanor Roosevelt: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

*Edit* I just thought of something else that may be a factor in your daughter's behavior: drugs. Any kind of illegal (or legal, for that matter) substance can mess with her moods, make her violent, and hinder judgement. You might consider making her test for anything from misused perscriptions (popping pills) to alcohol to inhalants to illegal (street) drugs. Alcohol and inhalants are going to be hardest to detect. Best of luck to you! (HUGS)

12 moms found this helpful

I doubt this all of a sudden started. 18 year olds don't just all of a sudden begin these behaviors. If she were mine she would get nothing from me. Her phone, ipod, nice clothes, favorite foods, transportation, would all be gone. Her room would not have a door. She would have a sleeping bag on the floor of her empty room. I would take it all. She could earn it back. The locks on the house would be changed and the door would be closed and locked at a set time in the evening. It wouldn't be opened until morning. If she wasn't home at the set time I would report her as a run away. My house, my rules. If she slaps anyone, I'de call the cops.

5 moms found this helpful

I would continue to provide food and shelter. But would take away the following
phone
computer
car
money
and each and ever time she hits you the cops should be called. Get her thru school if you can and like a previous poster said make an exit plan so that she is out the door at graduation day. and make sure she understands that when she chooses to move out she is on her own and if she needs to move back in she will be working and paying rent. good luck this is a hard situation for all involved.

5 moms found this helpful

She doesn't show respect because she's 18 and an "adult". Then let her be an adult. Pack up a few of her clothes and send her on her merry way. Anything she may have purchased w/ her own money from her job, pack that too.

3 moms found this helpful

There is a lot of background to this story that we will never know...and it is impossible to tell you what to do...it is such a personal and individual issue. I would start encouraging her to know that it is going to be time for her to head out on her own after she graduates. You really want her to get that diploma...so I would be hesitant to push her out of the nest until after graduation. But I would also not allow her to be disrespectful or violent towards you!!!
Is there other disrespect and violence in the house? Is this where she is learning this type of behavior? Unfortunately this type of behavior is VERY easy to learn and VERY hard to "unlearn".
Keep telling your self that graduation is not that far away...and try to hang on until she has that diploma in hand!!! Good luck to you.

3 moms found this helpful

Your house - your rules.
If she doesn't like it and wants to leave, she leaves with nothing but her clothing. No car. No ipod. No phone... nothing. She obviously has a case of 18"itis" with a side of senior"itis".
You need to sit down with her and remind her of the house rules. Tell her that if she can't abide by them that she is welcome to leave -- without all the goodies she is used to having at her disposal.
Make sure that the family is all on the same page. Your spouse needs to be on the same page and has to be willing to have the conversation - you need to present a united front. This will not be easy. If she can suck up to daddy later and get what she wants, it won't work.
LBC

2 moms found this helpful

Plan for her graduation and help her form her exit plan. I'm sure there are quite a few recruiters who would have plenty of good ideas for her future.

2 moms found this helpful

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