Daughter Just Turned the Big One Eight

I feel that when children are at home, they should still have rules. They don't wake-up one morning and suddenly become a full fledged adult ready to take on the full load of responsibilites, bills, health insurance, family life, etc. Obviously you feel she's pretty responsible, however, boyfriends, hormones, 18, out ALL NIGHT aren't necessarily a safe combo. The fact that she wanted to stay out until 6 am tells me she's NOT MATURE ENOUGH to just do whatever she pleases. I wouldn't lift the curfew. When I was 18, my mom was too lenient...she trusted me. I wish she would've been stricter. While children are at home they are able to have your example and someone looking over them to a degree. That's good, but somehow you need to try to be convincing that no rules = disaster and isn't fair to you...in a loving way. Obviously you're a person who wants her respect and I think you could sit down with her or write a carfeully worded letter etc and tell her the rules. It's hard @ 18 when you want to be free. But Free means totally on your OWN. It shouldn't go both ways. SHe needs to decide if she's an adult or not. Has she sat down and done a budget?? That's always an eye-opener. My parents said if you stay at home and live by the rules, you get help with college. If you leave and run off to do what you want, then you're on your own. Make your own choice.

I chose freedom. And when it was time for me to move out, my mom suddenly seemed so smart!!! I needed her advice. I got married just before my 19th b-day (They do love the guy, he's been a catch). They were loving all the way through, but DID NOT and have never given me ANY financial support or taken care of my personal responsiblitiies(other than small loans very RARELY borrowed with terms laid out and pmt plans made to payback the money), because I was an ADULT.
Often kids want all the ADULT FREEDOM, without the ADULT RESPONSIBILITY. There is an equation there. And with my kids any freedom comes once responsiblity is shown (you can use car, phone, computer, tv, videogames and all other priviledges as leverage if you have to- you just have to do it with concern and care.) But if she has YOUR CAR and your paying insurance, then you have a say...she's not an adult yet then. She's still your kid, living under your care!

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Hello! You have quite a bit going on - 18 yrs old can be quite challenging because that's when the law identifies her as an adult, but she will always be your child. Perhaps instead of lifting all curfews, you could have been a little more lenient or given a later curfew. It sounds like she is still in high school since she'll begin college in the fall. She still needs your guidance.

Do you think you can sit & talk to your daughter to come up with some rules or conditions that both of you can live with now that she is 18? Maybe you both can compromise on some issues. & go ahead & tell her that it is not ok for her to talk to you like that - especially in front of other people. You should also talk to her about having spent the night at her boyfriend's house - sounds like it's time for a sex talk - whether she actually spent the night with him or not, it's a good idea to talk about safety (to prevent pregnancy & diseases, but also for her emotional well-being). Sex is not just physical, it's emotional - we as mothers know this. Don't accuse her or confront her, but just talk to her openly.

My oldest is 20 now, & I am very blessed that he has been very responsible. When he turned 18, I told him that he doesn't have to ask my permission...but, he still calls to let me know where he is, when he'll be home, etc. It's common courtesy & keeps me from worrying as much.

Also, are there any cultural issues, as you've mentioned that your children come from non-English speaking countries? Communication is key, & just let your daughter know that you love her & care about her. Respect & trust have to be earned, so have patience & good luck!

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It sounds like you are really tring to be her friend more than her parent by liffting curfew now that she is 18. just because she turned 18 does not mean she can do what she wants. if she is still in school and you are still supporting her then rules should stay the same until she at least graduates high school. once she can afford to take care of her self, rent bills, etc. then she can do as she pleases. i would stay firm to your rules and if she cant follow them then you need to start taking action take the car away not let her go out. how has she changed from last month before she turned 18. did she all of a sudden become more grown up that she can take care of her self? if you let her get away with it it will only set up her brother for the same behavior in a couple of years.

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She may still be 18, but she is still in school. I have one of those as well and she still has to answer to her father and I. 18, though magical, doesn't remove me from any responsibilities. Our daughter still has to be home on school nights, there are absolutely NO sleepovers and ANY boy's home, and she still has to follow the rules of our home. She just got her cell phone back(even though she has to pay the bill) because she got into a little trouble at school. She knows that it's not going to be easy living on her own, so if wants to stay with us, she has to follow our rules. Once she graduates, she will be given more freedom, but her "follow her own rules, do what she wants" will only happen when she's paying her own rent at her own place. We have two younger kids 6 and 4 and will not tolerate anything inappropriate.

I would suggest that you sit down with her and tell her that there are some new rules. That until she graduates, she has to follow your rules. After that, if she doesn't want to follow them, she needs to get a job and a place where she can make her own rules. She may try it for a while. And then when she sees just how tough it is, she'll want to come back. At that point you welcome her back and discuss the new living arrangements. Who know she may excel with flying colors.

God bless

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Hi L.,

I have a 20 year old at college so did deal with this very issue when she was still 18 and finishing high school. My opinion was/is that as long as she was living under our roof and we were supporting her, she lived by our house rules. Part of the rules was checking in on a regular basis and asking if she could do something. We felt it important to respect us and our rules and she agreed. We would not have been okay with staying out until 6am unless we had agreed to this ahead of time or she got too tired to drive. We also always told her we'd come pick her up if she was unable to get home for a variety of reasons if needed. Luckily we have great communication and she hasn't done anything too outrageous, that we know about. She's a pretty sensible kid and was a good student as well. We were pretty relaxed with her, but again asked her cooperation while she was living with us. It has worked out very well. Good luck!

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She may be an 'adult' as you put it but she really isn't. If something happens, you are still responsible for her. Lifting curfews and such should not be done until she is out of high school and living on her own. As long as she lives under your roof, she should continue to obey the rules including all that were in place before she turned 18. Eighteen is really not a magic number. It is a magic number if she is out of school and on her own... but under your roof, it's not.

You need to reinstate the curfew rule. You need to sit down with her and let her know spending the night with her boyfriend is unacceptable. You are still the MOM!

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I would take a huge step backward and reinstate that curfew. She is still in high school? You are still responsible for making sure she gets through high school safe and sound. My 21 year old daughter lives with me still and the rule is "my house, my rules". If she were to stay out all night, that disrupts the entire household so it's not ok with me.

A later curfew on weekends is in order but no curfew? You'll go crazy and she will take advantage. If she still expects you to support her financially and to live in your home, she will still need to respect your rules. Let us know how it works out and good luck.

L.

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Hi L.,

Perhaps you and your daughter can sit down and talk about exactly what being 18 years old does and does not mean. While she is now legally allowed to sign a contract or apply for a credit card, she is still dependent on you in the same way she was as a child (I'm assuming she didn't start paying rent, buying her own groceries, preparing her own meals, apply for unilateral health insurance, etc.).

Her curfew has been lifted because you said so, not because of some RIGHT she inherits on her birthday. You still have the right to set limits, and to provide consequences if she doesn't stay within them.

Your daughter sounds like a very smart girl, so I think she is certainly up to the task of having this very serious "adult" conversation about your roles.

Good luck with everything,

T.

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Dear L.,
I can relate. I would have stopped the conversation at the table, and told my daughter that we will have a discussion on her priviledges and manners of grownups, since she wants to be one so badly.
I am your same age. 8 years ago we adopted 3 teen brothers. Twins were 16 and their little brother, 15.
They came with a lot of 'baggage', and the minute we seemed to have sorted through it all, we would only discover more to 'unpack'.
The twins turned 18 the summer after they graduated from high school. They were registered for college. They decided they no longer needed to live by our rules.
Our, very difficult, decision was to treat them like an adult if they wanted to be like adults. If they did not want a curfew and still not call if they planned to stay overnight elsewhere, if they expected to have use of the fridge, and laundry room, and a safe home to come to, then they will need to get a job and pay a percentage of what they earned as 'rent'. We also said they would have to pay for heir own cell phone bills.
Well, we became the 'meanest parents on the planet'. They had the weekend to think about it.
We had a family meeting on Monday, and they came to the conclusion that all the amenities they were enjoying, were quite the luxury. We sat down together, and made a list of privlidges to be earned.
We, too, do not use the text style of communication. If our kids need to contact us, they know they need to use the phone and leave a voice message.
Communication is so important.
Eight years later, we have our youngest in the Air Force, married with one grandchild.
We have one twin who completed college and works in a bank as a financial planner.
We lost the other twin to a car crash just before his 21st birthday. He was NOT wearing a seat belt and was thrown from the car.
Tough love is just that.
I hope some of our experience was helful to you.
Sincerely, T. S.

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Hi L.,

Turning 18 does not give your daughter the right to become disrespectful. I would reinstate the old rules until graduation.

I would also tell her boyfriends parents that you do not want her allowed to have a sleepover at their home.

Does your new adult daughter pay her own way? Didn't think so. Tell her if she wishes to keep her cell phone and all the other privileges she enjoys, she must stay with the "program"....that being the rules that you decide.

You might also ask if the boyfriends parents want to let her move in and they can take over the expense.....bet they don't.

My son was also still in high school when he turned 18 and thought that meant he was a "instant grown up" and no longer needed to listen or help out in the house. He even moved out a few weeks with his best friend who was the youngest of 11 children (he was an only child). When he wanted to come back home, I had him sign an agreement. He is now 41, successful and we have a wonderful relationship.

I will say it isn't easy beging graceful at all times when one is dealing with a teenager.

Blessings.....

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I do not care what her legal age is. If she is living in your home, which means you are supporting her, she follows your rules. If she can't, the out she goes. It IS that simple.

If you are putting a roof over her head, any food in front of her, and allowance or any other kind of support, than she follows your rules. If she chooses not to, then she can pay room and board.

When my boys went away to college and were over 18, they still foloowed my rules when they were home in the summer.

YOUR HOUSE _ YOUR RULES! Be strong! She will thank you later on.

God bless and good luck!

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L.,
I have a 19 year old girl as well. She has a one am curfew, we occasionally let her be out later, but only if planned in advance. She goes to college and works part time to pay for it. I told all my kids they are not allowed to move out until they have a college degree. I think that lifing her curfews might have been a mistake, and you need to keep them while she is still in school.
This way she can keep her grades and still get the rest she needs. Also, is the boyfriend a bad influence on her?
I wonder if that idea of not doing what you say came from her. That was down right disrespectful. My niece tried that with my SIL. She used to say "there is nothing you can do to make me....". then one day she wanted to get her liscense. My SIL said to her "there is nothing you can do to make me take you to the DMV" boy did her attitude change. Who pays for her car that she drives, and whose name is it in? You could take the keys
if it is in your name. If you have to go so far get the sherrif officers involved. I really hope it does not get that far though.
W. M.

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Hi L.,

Wow...that is amazing that you adopted the two teenagers and that must be difficult at first. You're doing a great job for keeping them in school especially your daughter holding a high gpa's. I would set boundaries with her for going to boyfriend's house. I wouldn't even allow it for my kids to do that as long as they are in school until they graduate school and go on to college and out of my house...then they can do whatever they want to do but hoping for success. Did you ever talk to the boyfriend's parents about your concern? If not...try that to see if they can help to set boundaries between them two. I don't know what else since she is 18 yrs of age and by law she is legally adult and there isn't much that you can do about it....no police can get involve in this situation due to her age. I wish that I can help you more. Hopefully this helps.

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She's worked hard, so obviously she's still on track. She's now legally an adult, so in terms of her spending the night with her boyfriend, there's little you can do. Make sure she's on birth control. I personally need to know the whereabouts of my kids, especially my girl, but I recently learned to text message because I realized that lets them feel less controlled.

Your daughter is on track, she's about to start her own life, I think as long as she is kind and respectful to you, you need to let her make her decisions. Just tell her you worry about her so she needs to let you know where she is as long as she is living with you. Once she isn't living with you, you won't have to worry about her whereabouts day-to-day. And meanwhile I think you should accept a text message. My daughter and I have been battling for control ever since she got her driver's license, and ever since I started texting her instead of calling she is much more open to my need for constant communication.

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Assuming you pay her cell phone bill I would insist that she call you when she has a change of plans otherwise the privledge of the phone will be discontinued. No curfew was not the best idea while still living in your home, you get that already ;)
Turning 18 didn't or shouldn't have changed all the rules overnight.
I'd sit her down for a lunch and have the "relationship" talk with her. Reminding her of how hard she's worked in school and that sometimes "emotions" with boys can completely change ALL of your future plans. You need to stay calm and mature and nurturing so you don't make her feel like she's 10 again. It's a slippery slope.
Example: "Daughter, I love you, and I thought I could live without having to give you a curfew anymore, but honestly I was so hurt by the text message you sent me and worried all night about you being gone all night, I have to ask that it not happen again. At this juncture staying out all night is not an option while you are still in highschool. I want to respect you and I want you to respect me and what you did the other night with the text message did not fall into those respectful guidlelines. Let's not let that happen again please." Then talk to her about boys and how her new freedom could really damage her future as you see it.
Good luck. I moved out on my 18th birthday but still managed to go to college. I didnt like the rules at home, so I left. She is an adult and you have to anticipate that it could happen, dont be a door mat. She's going to do what she wants to do I suppose. It's the beginnings of the empty nest syndrome, you may want to read some books on the subject just to help yourself get through it.
Good luck with it, but trust that you've raised her the best you know how, and she will realize that as well in a few more years when she really does become "grown up". It's just part of the processs.
God Bless.

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Hello:

I understand the frustration that you feel, and there are many of them. This is a multiple part transition.... you have your own transition to deal with on your own, as she does hers - and then add to it the complication of bringing both transitions together. I think that it is really important to remember how you behaved, acted and felt at her age. She is striving to develop into her own identity as an adult, not a child. You have to give her the space to do that, and the space to screw up. If she wants to sleep over with her boyfriend, she's gonna do it. There is absolutely nothing you can do to prevent that will not drive her away. If you prohibit it, then she will find ways around it. Understand, that you will not be there to dictate all of her choices, setting rules, etc. When she's at college it will be up to her to make her own choices (good and bad), so allow her the space to start making those choices (and learning the natural consequences) on her own now.

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L.,

I am so sorry your daughter decided to pull the adult card. However, she broke a house rule. If she has been a good daughter up to the point where you lifted the curfew, maybe you need to tell her the curfew is back until she is willing to live by the rules. Also, because you have only had her for 3 years, she may have been planning this for a long time so I would have a serious discussion about what she wants out of life and the path to get what she wants. With such high grades, she can certainly understand how to set goals and reach them.

Sometimes I wish I had been able to have that kind of talk with my mother before I left home and made some of the bad decisions that I am still paying for.

D.

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So many amazing aspects to you and your family...love being the woven string holding it all together, despite the many needs to individualize and claim responsibility..

I am a mom who started later than I ever thought I would so I wanted to applaud you. Milestones are both hard and endearing reminders...

With that being said, I am going to dial back to some old school thoughts based on my life lessons that did not listen to them...Your home, your mortgage, your rules. Your support for college...your respect is needed as it models what will be required of her now, especially now that the world has higher expectations for credit, jobs, school. Our kids no longer can smile, test, download and get credit and school, they have to earn it now and it has to start at home, for their sake.

I get her need for independence and her pride in her grades but she is not emotionally nor spiritually for that matter, mature enough to make these decisions now. She is legally an adult on some matters but she cannot rent a car or order a beer. She is on a long journey to maturity and will need your kind and strong love as she does this.. She needs your guidance and perimeters but she will not want to readily accept them. If you do not give them, however, someday she may have regrets and those circle back to our parents don't they....I do not know how to make this smooth but truth, honesty, respect, communication and her knowing that there are boundary lines may be a starting place.

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My oldest also didn't graduate high school until after he was 18. Our rules were while he is in high school he had to live under our rules, regardless of his actual age. While he was in high school, he was still our responsibility.

This worked because we knew he wasn't about to drop out, even tho his grades weren't that great. Even tho my son didn't like school, he knew he needed to graduate to have any chance of getting a decent job down the road.

Not sure if this helps or not. I guess it would depend on her attitude towards school.

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Ok I was 18 when I was in high school too and I would have never done what she is doing because I would have been kicked out. Just because she had this magical birthday doesn't not change the fact that she is living with you and you still are paying for everything. She is still in high school and needs to follow normal rules. Now on weekends and over the summer before college my curfew was rather late 1:30-2:30 but that was not do to age it was do to trust. I didn't drink or come home drunk and didn't do anything stupid. I went away for the weekend over the summer and for a week for my senior trip and called to check in, they could trust me and I think that is the biggest factor. Texting you so that she doesn't have to face your reponse is her trying to manipulate the situation. I would start taking this away if she doesn't respect you but before that sit down and talk to her about your expectations for the rest of the school year and the summer, communication is key. She obviously feels she can do this and you need to let her know calmly that she can't and what her punishments will be.
C.

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L., others have given you some really great advice and I hope you've been able to figure out from it a plan to get back on track with your daughter. I'm just going to add my little bit in here by asking why do we ever put age limits on things rather than maturity level decisions? For instance, how many kids (and their parents) assume that just because the law allows a kid to get a drivers license at age 16, that means the kid MUST have a car and license and be allowed to drive at that age? We had a huge fight with our kids high school because they had to take driver's education in their sophmore year (yes, I know that tells on our age and how long ago our kids were in high school) but we were not in a position to be ready to let them drive when they got to the stage of driver's ed where they had to go get their permits. Our kids had known from an early age that we did not buy into the "turn sixteen, get a driver's license" idea, so didn't give us any problem about the delay, but the school teachers thought we were just way out of line and too strict. Well, I have to say our kids have both grown into quite well adjusted adults who are great drivers. Neither of them got their licenses before they turned 18 and neither of them regrets not having them earlier. I'm not saying everyone should go by those standards, or that no sixteen year old should have a license or a car of his or her own, but we have seen some changes in our driving laws recently that seem to show that statistics agree with our being cautious in that regard.

The same applies to adulthood at age 18. Adulthood means responsibility, and your daughter needs to recognize that. I think everyone who responded agreed pretty well that her actions did not show responsible behavior. Another way to look at this is, if you had a long-term adult house guest, would you not expect the same courtesies you are asking of her? It's just common courtesy when living in someone's home, regardless of the relationship.

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I'm in the toddler stage of mom-hood at the moment, but I still remember what the rules of our house were in my high school years. Rules stayed in place, even AFTER high school, if we were to live under mom & dad's roof - period. I had my own job, paid my own bills, but I still had a respectable curfew (I think it was Midnight once I hit 18), & I most definitely was still not allowed to have a boy in the HOUSE by myself, let alone in my own room. "Times" most definitely have changed but that certainly doesn't mean you have no right to enforce your own personal convictions!!

Are you on friendly terms with her boyfriend at all? Though you can't do anything about his family rules, you most certainly can do a LOT with your own. If you have any kind of relationship with the boy, maybe consider that you & your husband or partner talk with BOTH your daughter & her boyfriend, in an "adult" conversation over dessert at your home or something. You can be cordial, loving, respectful, & gracious & STILL be firm in your house rules.

Whether or not she or they choose to respect that will be their own decision, but I would have a consequence set in place if they choose not to respect the house rules.

Is there anything you currently still pay for that is strictly for her? If she chooses to go against you, cut her off financially from that bill. No bones about it. Phone? She pays for it. Car insurance. Figure it out. It's not like you're handing down a ridiculous "hammer" of some sort when the consequence happens after you've explained your position & she's chosen something different. If she wants to play the "adult" card, then let her feel a little heat.

I feel for you & I know my day is coming!! But as I watched my own parents struggle with how to communicate with my younger brother, one thing stood out: they never folded. They were together on every decision - at least to his face. He still rebelled in certain areas & I know it crushed them at times, but there was no doubt to anyone involved that THEY were the parents - always. Your "parent-ness" doesn't disappear the moment your child turns a certain age. And shifts & changes don't take place overnight - it's always a process. Sooner or later (hopefully sooner!!) your daughter will begin to see that. If you show love at all times, even in your firm stance, she WILL remember that.

Good luck to you!! It's a tough call!!

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Hi L., I know the feeling. My kids are 21 and 25. They both live at home. My daughter graduated from college, but is going back and my son goes to SJSU. My daughter has always been the more responsible one. I always tell them as long as they live at home, they have to follow rules. My kids had a curfew all through high school. They still have somewhat of one today. If they plan on being out past 2, I need to know where they are and what time they are expected to come home. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. My son recently started doing that. He was having many late nights. I too feel that a boyfriend/girlfriend should not be spending nights together. They have their own rooms to be in, that is where they should be. I actually had to let it go when they reached 20. Like my husband said, if they were going away to school, instead of going to school near home, we would never know what they were doing. At least this way you know where they are. If it was me, I would flat out say no more over nights at the boyfriends, especially while still in high school. Once they graduate from high school, we all need to let go a bit. I know it's hard, but it will be well worth it. Good Luck

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What she did was disrespectful. My son had the same rules no matter what age he was as long as he was living at home. I f you give too much rope they will hang themselves. Tell her because of what she did that the rules go back to how they were at least until dhe graduates. It is something she will only understand when she has kids of her own. If she wants to be big and have charge of her life then make her pay just a little rent but still set some tenant rules.

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Oh my! There's a lot to this. Just some ideas I would share if we were sitting having a cup of coffee. I am guessing she probably still wants to find where the boundary is. I would say she crossed it. Announcing that in front of guests is inappropriate, the text wasn't cool and you are thinking that she doesn't have the maturity to have overnights with her boyfriend(and you're probably right!). I'd let her know all of that. I am also guessing you are paying for her car, gas, insurance to get around on? You have some leverage there. You are paying for the cell phone, you some working room there. If she doesn't meet certain courtesies you are asking, then you can limit some of her comforts. Have a conversation, ask her what she thinks a good arrangement is about all nighters, tell her what you think would be a good starting point so she can earn more freedom. Good luck -- and good job from you adopting those teenagers!

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What you need to make your daughter understand is that turning 18 changes nothing as far as her behavior in your home. I personally think it was a bad choice to end curfew and now you see why. She is still a senior in high school and I would have said to her nothing changes until graduation. She also need to understand that you now have options that you didn't have before - you are no longer required to support her. So, she has choices to make. She either lives in your house under the same rules (beginning with the reinstitution of a curfew) or she moves out and makes her own rules. Its pretty simple. Then, after graduation, I would sit her down and explain that there will still be some rules, just not as many and at that point I would dispense with the curfew but still insist on knowing where she is and also insist that she come home every night unless she is spending the night with a girlfriend. Just because she is 18, doesn't mean you have to agree with or accept her throwing in your face the fact that she now wants to act promiscuous. If she want to conduct herself in that manner, she will have to do it as an adult living on her own she you don't have to be privvy to it. These kids that think that we have to put up with their BS just because they're now 18, need to realize that the parents have choices now too; that all the choices are now theirs and we, as parents, are not obligated to live with the choices our children make. They are their choices and their consequences to suffer. A word of caution. If you don't change things now, they will get worse. There is no way this situation is going to get better if you simply sit back and allow it to happen.

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Dear L.,
There are only two things that are magic about turning 18:
1) You are now legally responsible for yourself.
2) You are accountable for your actions as an adult.

My daughter was only 17 when she graduated and she tried the "I'm all grown up now so you can't tell me what to do" thing. She found out quickly that was not the case.
My friend's son did the same thing when he turned 18.
He still lives at home but thought the rules no longer applied. He's a full time university student, blah blah blah. But he thought curfews and chores and basic respect for the rest of the household went out the window. Magically.
His parents sat him down and had an "adult" conversation with him and said he had two choices. He could live at home with their help, or he could be on his own. It was up to him. He chose to realize he was better off at home.
My parents moved away as soon as I graduated high school and I wasn't really invited to come along. That sounds harsh, but they were moving to a little mountain community where there was absolutely no hope or chance of me ever advancing in any way.
Was it hard? Yes. Did it suck? Yes.
But I had no choice but to figure things out for myself and I did. I got a job and an apartment and did very well for myself. I wish I'd been able to go to college, but knowing I had to work to take care of myself is something I am actually thankful for today.
My daughter is 22 and a very independent young woman.
That said, I cried the entire first week of her senior year in high school because I wasn't ready for it to have happened so fast. That was a sentimental thing on my part.
Your kids may be your kids....they may even be adults...but I told my daughter that I expected the same respect from her that I would expect from anyone else. Even if she was just a room-mate paying rent to live with me, she still wouldn't have the right to disrupt the rest of the household or not clean up after herself and still be living with me very long.
Your daughter is pushing the boundaries and you just have to make sure she understands what they are and there is no negotiating on certain things. Such as not coming home all night. It's not fair to make someone else worry about you. That goes for all of us.
I wish you the very best!

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Adults live on their own, buy their own food, pay their own utility bills, etc.

If she wants to do that, then she can move out effective immediately. If she is not in a position to do that, then she needs to follow the rules of the house -- whether she is 18 or 28.

What she did is inappropriate and she knows it. She needs to experience consequences asap so that she knows you mean business.

IMHO :-)

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Good morning! Congrats on your adoptions! It takes great people to adopt children. Speaking from my own experience as the child living with mom at age 18, my age did not matter to my mother. Her rule was I'm under her roof with her support so I followed her rules. Even after becoming an adult, being married and having a baby of my own I never felt as though she was being unfair. Every child is different though because my older sister felt the opposite. Really 18 or not people really aren't adults until they can move out and support themselves in the real world. She is living under your roof and should still follow your rules. She is taking advantage of the no curfew rule and really should not be. She should think of it as a privilege and adhere to your one requst. Good luck to you!

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If she is such an adult its time for her to move out and pay her own bills. Period. Otherwise, she lives by your rules while in your house.
Good luck. Don't let her walk all over you. She needs to learn to treat people with respect. Kids these days feel so entitled. Maybe she needs to read a book about how women are treated in other countries, and realize that a little respect to her mother isn't so bad.
You have done a really good thing by adopting them. I am impressed. :)

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Deep breath, L....

I'm smiling because of your question "How can I do it gracefully?" That's a very good question, and kudos to you for asking it.

The bottom line is this -- she is 18 and can do whatever she wants, including staying at her boyfriend's house. So, there are essentially two choices you have here:

- Continue to try to enforce the 'before 18' rules, probably cause all sorts of anger and hostility, which may cause her to say "screw this" so loudly she does not even get to college, or...

- Let her be 18 within certain parameters. She must call you and tell you if she is not going to be home by midnight -- roommates frequently do that, by the way, in college, just so that they know the other is safe. But where she goes and with whom is now her choice, and you don't get decide where she goes. In fact, the best thing now is to make sure you are having talks with her about safe and protected sex. Whether you WANT to have that conversation is moot -- just like it's moot for her not to want to tell you she's spending the night. It's happening, it's not going to change, so you both need to get to that reality and work together to keep her safe, and you relatively sane.

- Make sure that she is still very much helping around the house -- in fact, it's not unusual for 18 year olds to have slightly more responsibility as they are now adults.

- This is only a few months, L. -- remember that the Amish let their children go into the world for a year without any strings so that they can sow their wild oats. It's a natural part of maturation, and the more we as parents try to squelch it, the less communication we have, the less influence we have, and in fact, the less safe our children are.

All the best -- it's a tough time!

J.

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you got a lot of good responses, so i won't repeat, however I think the rules should continue to be enforced beyond high school, not until she graduates. As long as you are still providing. When I finished high school, I still feared my mom and her rules. I did get to do more things and stay out a bit later, but I still had a curfew and I still had to make sure that my chores were done. Even when I got a job and gave my mom some of my pay check, I was still in check by my mom. So keep pressing on and don't let 18 stop you from being mom and keeping your morals and values that you instill into your children. At 18 there is still so much growing up to do.

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Wow! Congratulations on adopting these two children and giving them love and guidance and opportunities they lacked. I am sure it is hard for them to learn academically as well as socially all the things they need to know to become the adults will do well in the Bay area. It is hard to be the mother of teens in these days even if you have lived with them for all 18 years of their lives.

I hope you have good communication with your daughter and can talk this out with her. The usual rules rules apply: Talk about your feelings and listen to what she says about hers. Treat her as much as possible as the adult she is trying out being. Make agreements you can both live with. Give as much information as you can and feel is appropriate and necessary. Lots of Luck!! This would be hard for anyone...N. ps Books can be helpful too since she is obviously bright academically. Miss Manners

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I tried something similar when I turned 18 (although I didn't announce it in public!) My parents pointed out that certain house rules were things they were asking me to do out of respect for them. As in: they needed to get up early, and not stay awake wondering where I was or have me making noise coming in at all hours, so I would please come in at a reasonable time. I was also told in so many words that, when I had my own house, I could make the rules. The alternative I was offered was to pay room and board--at a rate that doubled every week (not intended as a serious offer--but frequently, the easiest way to get a teen to be reasonable is to threaten them in the wallet)
I had a job and paid all my own bills (car payment, insurance, long distance phone calls, etc--cell phones didn't really exist yet), except room and board. And I was planning to move out, move in with my boyfriend, and we would both go to college (same boyfriend since sophomore year of high school--and we did later get married, although it didn't work out). And I was an honor student. But it was still my parents' house.

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L., I know how you're feeling. My daughter will be 20 in less than 3 weeks and still lives at home, and going to school. When I went through this change with her, just two years ago, we had some of the same issues. Remember, she is an adult. Make her behave like one. The text message is not good enough, she should have called you, period. It is her imauturity showing through when not calling. My feeling on this is different than yours. As much as I'm not so comfortable with my daughter spending the night at her boyfriends, she is an adult. It's better to let her go spend the night than run off and marry him as I did when I was 18. Talk to her, make her understand that you respect that she is an adult and that you want to give her the space but because she lives under your roof, she needs to give you the courtesy of telling you what is going on, so you don't worry. Keep your rules in your home, she needs to respect them, especially since she has a younger sibbling at home. It is her job to show him right from wrong and to respect your rules. I'm still strugling with this one and will until she moves out on her own. Good Luck...

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Okay, here goes:
1)It doesn't matter how old she is, if she is still in high school, she must obey TOWN & PARENT curfew rules!
2) Sending a TEXT was sneaky and deceitful. I tell my kids if you are sneaking, what you are doing is NOT RIGHT. Be real. Does she have a JOB? If not, and you are paying that cell bill, confiscate the phone for a few days, they HATE that. But she abused her phone privledge!
If they MISUSE a PRIVLEDGE, there must be consequence. She has misused her cell priviledge! Blatantly! Regardless of who pays bill, she was out of line to text you (I dont text either)
3) Here is the kicker: She has also MISUSED her KEY privledge. This is crucial. Confiscate the keys for a few days. The house key is the biggest privledge of ALL!
Use these methods SPARINGLY, mom. And be calm about it: Sorry, you have abused your privledge by not coming home when you were supposed to,, you will get them back on Thursday, and I hope you will use the priveledge wisely when you get it back.
My daughter was also top of her class, but senior year (and end of jr year) is where they REALLY TEST us-they think they are so grown (and that's good). She is testing her boundaries-big time, yes normal...but very rude and disrespectful to you.Not ok. But yes, they should INFORM us, whether we like it or not. We deserve that respect. My INFORMED me on the phone she was getting a tattoo, I said no! but she said, "Im going now, Mom." So she was real with me, and not disrespectful, I was informed. (She regrets it now btw.)
As for AFTER graduation, my daughter has full adult privledges now. She works 2 jobs, and goes to college. She stays at her boyfriend's some nights, he stays here sometimes. She has paid for her phone, car ins since senior year. She pays her own car pymt now. But if she did that to me, I would STILL confiscate something. As long as they live UNDER our ROOF, we have the right (and need) to know WHERE they are. We NEED to know WHEN to worry, and how much to worry. They forget that we will WORRY! Remind her, i will worry! cuz I love You!
But handle it calmly! Do not raise yr voice. Say as little as possible. Look disappointed/sad (cuz you are!)
Because BAD CHOICES = BAD CONSEQUENCES.
In all parts of life, right? Good luck.

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Good Morning L.,
Sending you a big hug. You've received some excellent advice regarding the "magic" age of 18. Decide what will work for you and your value system before discussing it with your daugher---writing it down often helps me get focused. The biggest part of this is the discussion of adult = responsibility = choices = consequences. I'd explain to her that she is just beginning to carve the path she will follow as an adult. Decisions need to be made carefully and with fore-thought----not on a whim and a fancy. If she was adopted from abroad, remind her that she has many opportunities here to freely explore as a woman. "Don't limit yourself by making the wrong choice now!" Stand your ground, L.. Remember that you are the loving adult/parent in this case. Good Luck, I'll be thinking of you. N.

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Wow! That is tough! I can't say I have a lot of expertise in this area because my children are so young. But I teach high school & am not too far removed from that age. I think that when you told her that she still has to abide by the rules of the house you were doing the right thing not just for her & you but for her brother as well. He needs to see that respect. Personally, I think she is testing boundaries with this new-found freedom. Maybe sitting her down in a non-threatening atmosphere (like taking her out to dinner?) to talk with her, not just as mother to daughter, but woman to woman might help. Explain to her your concerns about her behavior. Recognize that she is an adult - she legally can do whatever she wants. HOWEVER - there are rules to abide by & if she doesn't like them then she has the choice to move out & support herself. You may also want to explain to her how the "real world" works with regards to finances & deadlines etc. The fact of the matter is, she has to abide by rules where ever she ends up living - a dorm, an apartment, etc. I know this is an "easier-said-than-done" idea, but as I have made observations of my own through my profession as well as my personal life (not just me but watching 2 younger siblings come of age & have to find themselves), sometimes this is the only way to get their attention. She may realize that she would rather abide by your rules than support herself, or she may "call your bluff" and move out prematurely thinking you wouldn't REALLY let her do that; that is her choice so stand firm. All you can do is continue to love her & support her as you see fit without compromising your value system. That value system needs to remain in place as a rock for BOTH children - esp. your son right now as he is close to the same milestone. Believe that you did the best job you could in raising her in the time you had, now it is up to her to make the choices.

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Hi L.,

Congratulations on becoming a mother! What a BIG heart you have! :O)

When I read the "Title" of your posting....my heart sank immediately. When our kids turn 18, it gets tough. This is another one of those "stages" we need to get through with our children. And no, it's not easy, which is why alot of kids get kicked out of their home at this age.

Well, I know you were trying to do something "adult-like" by trying to lift her curfew now that's she's 18. After reading her little "profile" from you, I would think she wouldn't have taken advantage of you so soon. But because she did, I think you're in for a rough road ahead.

The fact is, she still has commitments and responsibilities at school and at home that REQUIRE a curfew. If she graduates in June, then it wasn't that much longer to wait for lifting the curfew. But, now that you've "lifted it", your daughter knows that she can do pretty much anything she wants to now. Obviously, by her texting example.

She is longing to feel like an adult, as they all are at this age. They can even become a little rotten in fact, like we've never seen before. In my experience, girls were harder to get through than the boys.

I wish I could tell you what things "worked" and "didn't work", but I think it was a lot of different things put together............one of them was the last resort.... using Tough Love. But, because I wasn't good at being "tough" (which probably got me in that circumstance in the first place) it took lots of practice.

In your case, you need to make sure that she is using protection on a regular basis. She has found a new found "freedom", and if she's anything like our daughter was, she'll need to use protection correctly and 100% of the time! Otherwise, her little immature "dream of wanting a baby" will become a reality. You know why, she thinks her boyfriend really loves her.

Another thing we had to do with our daughter, was to pull back on paying any of her "bills". We waited until after she graduated, though, because we wanted her time to be focused on school and the life of a "Senior". After graduation, she was told to get a job to pay for her cell, car, gas & insurance. She "acted" like she couldn't find one. We did the brave thing, and cancelled everything. She tried to use her cell phone, but couldn't, and that made her mad. We showed her what would happen to her if she got caught driving her car without insurance, and what "repo" actually meant.... Let's just say, we went from being the "world's worst parents that didn't understand anything to being hated even more!" I think that's why they call it Tough Love, because it's really tough on the parents to be tough (like that) on their kids. I hated it and cried almost every night.

Well, she was still acting very "free", but eventually did find a job and began trying to pay for her life. Of course she always needed to borrow, but we just had to make sure that it was in context, and not mistreated. During one dangerous "phase" in her life (I will call it), every ounce of our help was in the form of Gift Cards. We couldn't trust her with cash/check.

What we learned through it all, was that it was easy to take advantage of us, and we let her. When we got to the point when we were NOT going to be mistreated or disrespected, that's when it got "worse before it finally got better".

In our case, our daughter had a strong "inner compass". Now, at 22, she's doing very well. She's even earning back our trust. She's even a pleasure to be around now :o)

L., my advice to you, is to "hold your breath" before you say certain things. They could "trigger" and unexpected argument. So be "adult" and calm in your wording to approach conversations with her.

Also, she is living in YOUR HOME, under your roof. If she is going to continue to do that, she needs to follow your rules....whatever they may be. To keep her "grounded", you might want to have a dinner night with your kids. Only one night a week where it's mandatory to be at dinner. Only because they are getting older and busier, and you don't want to regret missing time with them. This can also be your way of staying close to her, you know, to help keep that "inner compass" in tact :o)

You sound like a very loving person. It will be hard to show any tough love. Just work it in baby steps whenever you have the chance. Whatever you do, do NOT allow her to disrespect you. You should not stand for it. Which means, there are some situations that you would rather "bite your tongue" when it involves disrespecting you, but don't bite your tongue. Your first response words can always be "How dare you disrespect me in that way".........that sentence was an "ice breaker" for me learning how to be tough. I hope it works for you, as well.

Good Luck, L.. I'll be think of you!

~N.

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L., I was were you are 5 years ago. Just don't be to strict. I had the same rules as you and my daughter thought I was to controlling wanting to know where she was and when she will be home and she moved out while she was a Senior in high school. I was upset and pissed and angy. She moved in with her boyfriend and like you said his mom was so laxed. She did not care if my daughter did not wake up to go school, and they wanted her to pay for stuff she did not even use. I made it a point to call her to make sure she did go to school and if they did not take her, I went out of my way to make sure she got to school and his mom had the nerve to thank me for taking my daughter to school. I would not have to take her if she got off her behind and took her. She took on the responsibility for my daughter to move in with her, and she did not nothing to help her out. Anyway, I digress a little, you can tell I am still peeved and it has been 5 years.

Anyway, set some ground rules that you and your daughter can agree on and get it in wriing. This way she can be involved in the new ground rules as she is becoming independent. The one thing you don't want her to do is move out. Trust me.

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I feel your pain, sister. My son decided to get a tattoo and his ears pierced on his 18th birthday(2007) after long discussions about it. He was told not in my house. He also started falling behind in school and his insurance went up. So, what I did is started charging him to live there. His dad paid child support, so that was his rent and food. He was now responsible for his phone and insurance and anything else. Also, he had rules and if he did not follow them, I told him to find elsewhere to live.

I am not sure how bad it is at your house and maybe you are not ready to do that yet, but it turned out OK for me. He did move out right after graduation and we had a tough year, but he admitted his impulsiveness on the tattoo thing within months and we have a really good relationship now.

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You do this by not changing the rules just because she turned 18. As long as she is still in highschool and being supported by you, she needs to follow your rules. She is going to try to push the limits as far as possible. You are still her mom, and you can still remove privilages and yes, you can still ground her from her friends if she doesn't follow the rules of the house. If she is not happy with this, then I would suggest you tell her she is welcome to try to make it on her own (I know you don't want this, but honestly I doubt she will either). Once she is out of high school and on her own at college, that's when things change. A year away from home on your own changes things, and that is really when you should start thinking about her being an adult and responsible for herself. She will of course still need to follow some rules at home (it's still your house) but after highschool, she will be making her own decisions.

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Hi. Ok I realize that she is 18 but she is still in school and that means that she needs rules. She should have a curfew especially on school nights. She still has to graduate and go to class. Alot of kids turn 18 before they graduate highschool but they still have rules even after they start college. And her boyfriends parents may not worry about her getting pregnant but that needs to be prepared for. Get her on birthcontol right now! And then sit down with her and explain to her that just because she is 18 doesn't mean she can just do whatever, you are still responsible for her and therefor she needs to be home by a certain time on school nights and make it later on the weekends, she also should contribute to the upkeep of the house and not just use you like a hotel. You could also bring up that she has a brother that would also like to spend time with her. Get this down now so you don't have to deal with it again in a couple of years when he turns 18. Good luck!

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L.,

When I was 18, nothing kept me out of trouble more effectively than having to work. The advice you've been given about asking her to start paying for things is dead on. Tell her now that she is an adult you will no longer pay for things like clothes, cellphone, gas, car insurance etc. Also tell her she will have to pay some rent - either in $ or by doing chores. Remind her that she won't get free room and board anywhere else. Even though her boyfriend's parents are permissive I doubt they will allow her to live there - and even if they do surely they will expect her to contribute to the household. Good luck and stay strong!

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