16 Month Old Daughter Is Very Shy

I think you should expose her to other kids as much as possible, preferably in the same setting. I signed my son up for a class, and at first, he wanted nothing to do with the other kids or the teacher. He just wanted me to hold him, but he would peek at the other kids more and more often. He gradually got used to the room and other kids. Now (it took a few weeks), he runs around with the other kids. As long as he's the one to separate from me, and I'm not the one leaving him, he's totally fine. We're going to continue going to as many places with other kids as possible!

Most importantly don't try to turn your daughter into something she is not. At this very early age I wouldn't even be worrying about it-all very normal and kid sthis age get overwhelmed sometimes with other people and unfamiliar surroundings. But if it turns out she is shy there is nothing wrong with that. Let her be. She may be more introverted then the average person and that is a perfectly acceptable trait. But way too early to tell. I was extremely shy until I had a baby and then it all changed. HAH! I was 34. So there ya go. People giving you a hard time about your shyness is by far the worst part of it.

Absolutely agree with the previous post!

If you want her to be more social you HAVE to give her more opportunities to practice her social skills and become more confident. If she's only been around you, then you are her only source of entertainment and amusement. You need to continue to let her go to playdates and show her that it is okay to not be stuck to mommy's leg 24-7 and it will actually be fun to hang around other kids.

The other major benefit from being around other kids is that she will also learn from them. Fortunately, they will teach her good things like sharing toys and seeing things from a different perspective. Unfortunately, this also means that she might pick up some bad habits (but...with proper guidance from you, she can easily drop them).

Don't keep your kid from doing playdates because you're afraid she's going to get sick. Kids get sick in the winter - it's normal and natural! I'm not saying expose her to germs whenever you can, but don't let your fear of her 'getting sick' keep you from allowing her to have positive interaction with other kids.

My daughter was just like this for a long time. Everything changed when she started pre-school. Her teachers now can't believe that she ever had issues with shyness!

Hi W C!

My daughter was the same way until just recently. During play time with children her age she would sit in the corner sucking her thumb and close her eyes or try to meld herself into me! She had no problem interacting with older children or tiny babies just ones her size! I asked her therapists about this because it was a concern of mine and both of them told me that it is more than likely because kids her own age are unpredictable and you just never know what is going to happen. I then had her eval-ed by a behaviorial specialist and she agreed with the others and put my mind at ease!

ABout 3 months ago she began side by side playing although would not engage the other kids but would observe and play near them. In the last few weeks she has actually began to play with them and share and even take things back! Yes, I am glad she is taking back from other kids! lol She has always been the one who would get everything taken from her so now if she is playing with something and someone grabs from her she will hold on for dear life! lol I am just glad to see her finally coming out of her shell. Believe me- it will happen! She also does the Mother Hen bit with all the kids and will encourage them and praise them for everything and hug them when they cry and just Mama them completely! I love it though!!! lol

I also just signed her up for some art classes in McHenry. I just read about it in the NW Herald. It is at Shelly's Creative Playroom. Here is a link to their website.... http://www.shellyscreativeplayroom.com/

I took her on Wed and she had a blast. I signed her up for 12 weeks of classes right away. She was able to play and work with other children which teaches them as well as them learning "art" plus she was able to work on her own as well. I was a bit leery but did the drop in and was amazed. She painted at an easel, painted at a table, played with playdoh and played with other kids. I plan on doing it again next Wed until class starts the first week of March. Check them out if you get the chance. You get to stay with your child too so you do not have to worry about them being thrown into something they are uncomfortable with. Best part is... you do not have to do the cleaning! lol

As for your child getting sick... it can happen absolutely anywhere! The more you keep her away from germs the more likely she will become sick when she is exposed. Granted you do not want to sit in the ER waiting room letting people cough all over her but you do not want to keep her home for fear of her catching whatever is going around that week! It will drive you all nuts! lol I just make sure I bring my Sani-Wipes and when we are done with anything- including the playlands at the fast food joints her hands and face get washed and when we get home we change her clothes. So far she has NEVER been sick with a cold or flu.

Hope you find something you are both comfortable with! Hmmmmm, maybe I will see you at the drop in next week! Good luck and blessings to you!

Well about getting sick. My mom always said the reason her adult children don't get sick much is because we developed such a good immunity to everything from bringing home everything as children.

Being shy is an inherited trait I believe. I've read studies that say as much as 50% of your personality is inherited. Being shy is a personality trait I really can't relate to. Though I don't like to speak in front of large groups of adults, I have absolutely no fear of approaching individuals or small groups. My husband is from this area and I'm from down south. When we first met he would often ask me if I knew the people I was talking to in the grocery store or in line at the movies. He couldn't understand why I was talking to people I didn't know. I've broken the ice in his family (I'm white and they are all hispanic...no one knew how to react to the white women entering the family until I came along and broke down the barriers.)

At any rate, I have one daughter that would say hey to everyone that passed the grocery cart. I have one daughter that will absolutely start to cry if a group of people is looking at her. She will get hysterical if we walk into a room with a large group of people regardless if she knows them or not. I have talked to her and talked to her but she's just scared. She warms up eventually if there are kids around, but she won't interact with the adults much at all.

When my husband and I met I worked in a lounge. We had a big Halloween party with amazing prizes like a trip for two to the Bahamas. My husband's birthday is Halloween so he's always made a big deal out of dressing up. He looked amazing that night with real, movie quality makeup. Everyone commented all night how he would win the contest. When contest time came around he couldn't be found. Over an hour later he showed up. He told me he was so disturbed by the fact he would have to stand on the dance floor in front of the crowd that he went and hid in the car chain smoking for an hour until he knew the contest was over. He was a nervous wreck just thinking about it.

He's so much better after 16 years together, but he still gets super nervous in front of big groups. He would rather die than have everyone looking at him.

Our girls have never been around him in any kind of situation where he would exhibit this behavior, but the middle child definitely acts the same way. It had to be inherited.

So relax about it. It isn't the end of the world. There are 1000's of examples of famous, successful people that are/were shy. Just keep coaxing her and introducing her to smaller settings. Don't get upset with her. Keep working with her by introducing her to one child at a time. Show her in baby steps that there is nothing to be afraid of.

It's not abnormal for a 16 month old to be reserved around other children, especially an only child. So, don't worry too much about it! As the weather warms up, public places such as parks, baby pools, etc. that are active with other children are perfect ways to get her comfortable with being around lots of different kids. Try open gyms at your local Y or gymnastics facilities where she can just run around with you in tow. There are lots of parent/tot classes that might be helpful as well (park district music classes, swimming classes, tumbling, etc.). We have very reserved children, and it took years before they would attend a class by themselves. But, the less we pushed and just let them grow into their social confidence in their own time, the better it was for everyone involved :).

Best wishes!
A

You may want to read a few books on normal child development eg. Ilg and Ames series, Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper. While your daughter may well be shy, she also is acting very appropriately for her age. Between about 13-14 months to past 2 yrs old many children have both separation anxiety and stranger anxiety. Actually the stranger anxiety can come first ie a little before a year old. Children her age don't actually play together. They are often somewhat oblivious to each other or otherwise just snatch stuff from each other. They do what is known as parallel play. so a play date is really more for you than for her. Most of the books written on child development suggest reassuring your child when she is shy and cuddling her and making her feel very secure. Don't try to force her or overly encourage her into social interactions that she is not yet ready for. The book Emotional Intelligence also has some good parts on the brain physiology of those of us who are shy. It involves a part of the brain increasing in activity and starts as a baby. She likely won't be really ready to play with others until she is closer to 2 or a little past 2. Good Luck.

I don't think her behavior is that unusual. Don't keep pointing out the shyness to her. She will take her cues from you and will mimic your behavior in a social situation soon. Just ignore the behavior. As you expose her to more people, she will gain more confidence in a social situation (or not). Don't make excuses for her or encourage her to shake other people's hands or hug them. Just let her see YOUR comfort level. My daughter was around a lot of older people at that age. She was the youngest cousin - the next youngest was 16 years. Her vocabulary was incredible by 3 years old. She's almost 14 now and has nice friends and it really does amaze me how she interacts with adults. Personally, I would rather have a child who doesn't feel totally comfortable with strangers and is a little shy. I have been around a lot of parents who talk about their child's shyness in front of them and they make it sound like a character flaw. It's a little sad to see. It's one of those moments that "it is WHAT it is". Just keep helping her interact and jump in if she has a shy attack - not to make an excuse, just to continue the conversation. Good luck.

My Daughter, now 14, was similar. Very quiet and "shy" around others, but not at home with us. (try not to label shy with her in earshot) This is a social development thing and she will get there.. usually, the best advice suggests supporting her unique temperment. Knowing you are there and telling her when it is safe to say hi and engage will help. Our daughter was an observer -- she would silently hang on to me, watch the group or kids on the playground, or whatever the situation, for a long time FIRST, then she might tentatively, and with me rightthere -- begin to go forward, but no interest in "playing with others" until she knew them very well. Some kids like this have slowwww transition times. Do you find that true with your daughter? It is a lovely time, don't worry about it and just keep gently supporting her and she will gain more willingness to engage with others as she grows. Best of luck!!

Me: Mom of a 35 mos old boy, 14 yr old girl and married for almost 18 yrs

I agree with others - very normal for her age. I believe it's important to give her lots of opportunties to interact, but let her come out of her shell when she's ready. Eventually, she will realize she can have fun if she interacts with other kids and play with toys. My dd was very clingy and it was almost overnight at age 22 months that she changed.

Some kids are just shy...it is ok

Maybe you should try some play groups with the parent present. If she's not use to groups, you can start by
Inviting 1 child and parent to your home, then their home. Then try 2 and gradually go from there. Maybe she's just not use to the "group" experience. Have you ever left her in group situation before? When the weather warms up, a good old fashioned play ground might be a good place to start.

Hi, W.C.,

Your daughter is still a little young for socialization with peers. She would have it easier if there were sibs, but no matter. Keep looking for playgroups and keep exposing her to other little ones. Sooner or later, curiosity will overcome shyness and she'll reach out.

Good luck! This is such a sweet age -- enjoy!
S. F.

Shyness is not a disease! My mother raised a very shy little girl--me--and my third child, a daughter, is a shy person also. Both of us, however, blossomed into highly functioning adults, still shy by nature yet able to get along fine in the world. Allow your daughter experiences and take her lead on what situations are tolerable and which are not. As she grows, I recommend your reading The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron. It will be an excellent resource for you and, when the time comes, for her.

J.

I have a 32mo old son who is shy like your daughter. He has other development delays that I wasn't aware of that are causing some of these issues as well. One of his delays is Sensory Integration. Pretty much, he doesn't like a lot of noise, changes, having people in his personal space along with strangers (kids or adults) catching him off-guard. I'm not sure what county you live in, but if you live in McHenry county (IL), I suggest you call Child & Family Connections ###-###-#### and ask for Marge for an evaluation of your child to see if there is additional resources to help you with this. I work for this organization and they evaluated my son, determined his eligibility and now he's getting the assistance and learning so much more than what he'd learn in daycare or at home. I am not saying your child has any delays or disabilities, but as I am a parent with a similar situation, this phone call, as odd as I felt calling, was one of the most important calls I made as a parent for my son. Please note, this program is for children of the ages of birth to 3yrs old. The earlier you have this evaluated, the quicker and better chance of a quicker learning period.
Good Luck!

My son was that way, too, at that age. I couldn't take him to church nursery because he would throw a huge fit. I stayed with him and eventually he warmed up to the caregivers and now he loves it. He's still like that in new situations and he's 3 and a half. He's gotten better and given time, I'm sure your daughter will too. Just continue to reassure her and she'll gain confidence soon enough.

Most kids will go through a clingy stage. Kids also read you and read you really well. So in any situation you may find that she feeds off of what you as parents are feeling. So if you are not comfortable where you are, she won't be. If you don't like the people you are around, she may not be warm and fuzzy with them. If you are upset such as in a medical situation, she will get all of her ques from you, she trusts you and knows you. She feels that you will not will not steer her wrong or intentionally hurt her. So if you have problems with the adults in the new playgroup setting, she will feel unsettled as well.