"Nobody Wants to Play with Me"

I agree with the mom who said 2 half days a week is not enough - - - meaning the other kids see each other every day all day and know each other well. I saw this exact same thing with my daughter when she was only going 2 or 3 half days. Once I put her in full days she blossomed well and now loves it!

At 4-years old I think it's the teacher's job to help the shy ones. Could you talk with his teachers and see if they can help you? They could be walking with him and encouraging him to join in on play, or asking the other kids for him "do you mind if "Bobby" plays with you too?"

At home you could try role playing. Ask him if there is a particular boy or girl he'd like to play with, and then help him come up with the right thing to say. You could start with using stuffed animals if he's too shy to do that with you. Start with a positive response to him asking to play until he gets more confident. Then work out what would happen if the other kid says "no."

You could also try arranging a one-on-one playdate with one of the children from daycare. That way they could get to know one another without the other kids around. Then he'd have a buddy when he was there during the day.

Good luck! I was a shy kid too, and it was mostly because I never knew what to say. I wish someone had helped me figure out what to say! I also think that some people are just more comfortable with one or maybe two other people instead of a big crowd, and I think there's nothing wrong with that.

This is more about the shyness than the playing, so I'm not sure how helpful it's going to be, but thought it might be good to share. My daughter is really shy (slow to warm up, is the term, actually). A child psychologist told me that she was actually dealing with a double blow when she was in situations that seemed like they should be fun but actually were incredibly anxiety producing. 1. She thought she was going to have fun, and then wasn't. 2. She was feeling all of that anxiety. So now instead of saying "we're going to XYZ and you're going to have so much fun!" I say "We're going to XYZ and it's going to be a little scary and overwhelming, but once you starting playing and talking to people, you'll have a really good time." And then when we get there I say "I know you have that funny feeling in your belly, but you'll have more fun if you start playing and that feeling will go away." Seemed so counterintuitive to me, but it really works! Good luck!

Are all of the kids only there 2 days a week or do some go more often? Could be the ones that are there 5 days a week have there little group they play with everyday and it's hard for your son to get in with them on his 2 days.

One of the things that a teacher did for my son to help him play with others was to start playing with him herself. She would choose something special to do with him and usually when other kids saw her they wanted to play with whatever it was as well. She would get a small group going with her and then she would slowly pull herself out of the game leaving my son playing with 2 or 3 new friends.

Good luck,
K.

I agree with NW. You need to ask the teachers to help others to include him.

Also, he has to be willing to play other kids games/activities too. Help him to take turns, or play YOUR game of choice.

You don't mention it, but if he's an only child I think sometimes those kids get so used to being the center of their parents' attention that they sometimes have a difficult time adjusting to sharing the attention with other kids, taking turns or playing someone else's game.

Why not ask him to help you make a "note" to give one of his friends. I did this a lot with my kids...to ask a friend over for a playdate. That way YOU can see your son interact with another kid and then give advice afterwards about how to "play" better based on what you see.

I hope this helps!

My daughter said this to me once too! Turns out, after talking to her I realized that she was "waiting" for the kids to ask her to play. I explained to her that in order to play with the other kids, all she has to do is just start playing with them. I told her that you can't wait to be invited, because when kids are busy playing, the last thing they're going to do is notice you're not playin with anyone, and even more unlikely is that they'll stop playing to come ask if you want to play. Once she understood this, everything was all good!

First off my daughter is an only child but is very outgoing and interacts very well with other kids (her age or older). So personally I think this is more of a personality thing then if he is an only child or not.

Shyness is a personality and there are things to help him to be true to himself yet still be more sociable. First if you and your husband are shy try to model being not shy, engage in converstaions with the check out lady or the librarian or whomever is around when you are out and about. Children will pick up on what you do so example is best (even if it is out of your comfort box). You could also have some of your adult friends over or maybe another family and the adults play cards so your son sees you engaging in starting up a game so he sees and maybe will do that at school

If your son is asking why no one else plays with him, you can say something like "You (son) can ask others to play with you, or ask someone if you can join in playing with them." Teach him how to ask nicely and then let him know if the child/friend says "no.." let you son know that it is ok and that maybe that child wants to play alone so go ask someone else.

Another mom mention to ask the teacher to help your son engage with the other children and that is a VERY GOOD idea. At my daughter's preschool I see the teacher doing that ALL the time. If the teacher says he/she does but he or the other children don't want to play together ask what they say to each other, that might have clues in why your son or others don't get along.

I have been told at age 3 & 4 they are still working on their skills of playing together so it just could be that your son is still figuring those skills out. The above can help him along but every child will have his/her own personality. My brother was very shy as a child and in college he broke free of that a little bit but he is still shy in a new enviorment or around new people, now after being in the new situation a few times he then feel comfortable enough to be himself (but he is 26 years old, at age 4 the newness of a place stayed around for a year before he felt comfrotable somewhere)

I'm a shy person I don't think you should push him. I don't know why it is that everyone thinks there is something wrong about not being sociable. It's fine to teach him to be polite but I wouldn't pressure him into being something he's not. Best of luck

You have a lot of good responses. Role playing with your child how to approach other kids to play can be helpful. Even kids who are not shy do not always know ways to appropriately approach other kids. Role playing can take the anxiety out of some things. My kids are 19 months apart and so they are built in playmates. I found that my son, especially lacked the skills to approach other kids. He never had to. I found the website from the Center on Social Emotional Foundations for Early Learning to be informative. http://www.vanderbilt.edu/csefel/. Some of it is geared to children who might have bigger social challenges. However, Social Emotional learning is good for all children.

Shyness is the opposite personality of those who are not shy. I think it is who that person is but they need to learn to not let it affect them in daily life, make them fearful, give them anxiety, etc., etc. Learning to accept who they are is the key and then not feel like they have to become the opposite. We do have to learn to communicate, etc., with others and live life as we are though and I can say this being I was very shy too. I think being 'pushed' or made to feel like you are the one who has to change is not good in helping overcome this. Also talking for you is not good. Teachers need to draw your son in and work at it to help him. He may not know what to say but he'll learn in time. Talk to him a lot at home so he knows how to respond to you and others you are around. I agree with the person who said that you should not say 'it's fun' when to him it's not but say 'it will be difficult but you will then enjoy it' or however you want to word it. Let him face his feelings and don't tell him how to feel or how he should feel. That's what I would have liked when I was his age so I'm only speaking from that view point.

Just a thought, maybe two days a week is just not enough for him to make friends. I own a preschool and I have found that the children who come every morning adjust much easier then the children who come part-time. I do not even offer two days a week for this reason. One question I have is have most of the children in his class been together for a while? Is he the new kid in the class? These could all be factors. When ever we have a shy child, or a new child at my preschool we will always try to pair them up with someone during activities so they can get to know each other. It is difficult for some children to come into a classroom where children have already formed their friendships, and also when they do not attend school on a regular basis. If it is possible to increase his attendance I would try that first and also ask the teacher if she could help him by maybe pairing him up with other children during activities. Good luck I am sure this breaks your heart to see your child struggle.

Our kids have been in day care for almost 2 years. Our son has a hard time transitioning from room to room as he ages. This latest transition was particularly tough even though he knew several of the kids.

We found that, at this age, groups are beginning to form - not intentionally, but it can be hard for shy children to integrate into groups. Our son isn't shy, but he's certainly not the strongest personality, so we encouraged him with bringing some treats into the class to help integrate with the other kids.

We purchased some treats, some stickers, some construction paper for crafts at school so they could do fun things that he had prompted.

One thing his day care does (in his class) is a "Tree of Kindness" - pending the season, they reward children for going out of their way to help others. He's really been proud of helping some of the other kids during their transition by sitting next to them, helping show them where toys are. For each act, they get to put an item on the tree of kindness - at the end of the month, they get to bring it home. Maybe this is something you could introduce to the school?

In the classroom, the teachers need to try and make sure he is included more,. but you can help too. Since he is shy, some one-on-one playdates might give your son more confidence and be easier for him to adjust to.

Ask your son if there is a child at school that he really likes to play with or gets along with and try to set up a playdate with that child's mom at pickup! Just exchange phone numbers and say "Joey and I were planning to go to the park after class on Friday and Joey would really like it if Chris could come along to play."

Sometimes it takes a little scheduling and at that age, most moms will want to tag along at least at first, but making a friend to play with outside of class can translate into playing together in class.

If your son can't name a kid, choose a MOM you think you like or have enjoyed talking to in the past and ask if she wants to go get coffee or take the kids to the park while you have some mom-time talking about whatever.

I made one of my best mom-friends totally by accident because we both happened to be in a Carabou Coffee with little guys who were the same age. For 3 years we strollered around town and had playdates and shopping dates together until we both moved. Either way you set the playdate up, it will enlarge your son's circle of friends and that will be good for him in school and out. Good Luck!

Love Jane M's answer.