Hello all!
This is my first post here and I hope to get some advice. I will give as much background information as I can without being too long winded. This might still be long so hang in there with me please.
Background information first. We are a military family that moved to California mid fall last year (at the beginning of October). We were at our last base for a whopping 7 years and all and all we were happy there. Our kids had lots of friends, the schools were good and we were lucky enough to live close to my family (meaning my Mom and Dad who have since moved to another state to be closer to my Brother). My husband got promoted in rank and we got relocated to California. I wont go into the details of our move, just know that it was a long one that could have gone a lot more smoothly than it did.
Since we moved here our beautiful son has struggled to make friends. He would often come home from school and say that all the kids at his school were jerks. My husband and I tolled him to stay open and positive. That it would take time for him to make and have the kinds of friendship he had with the kids at our old base. Soon he was able to make one friend but shortly after the new year that child and his family moved bases. After a little time he started to hang out with a new group of boys. He new friends all seemed really nice.
However, yesterday our son came home holding back tears. It took me some time to dig out of him what was wrong. He tolled me that one of the other boys in his group tolled him that he was annoying and that no one really liked him. That everyone in the group was being nice to him because they felt sorry for him. Later my son went to someone that he considered a good friend in this group and asked him if it was true. This child said..."Oh you found out. We didn't want to hurt your feelings" Needless to say that my son was deeply hurt.
After he and our daughter (our son is the oldest) went to bed I tried to take a step back from the situation and see the thing from all the different sides. I could see how our son would not be everyone's cup of tea. He does have a hard time knowing when its time to stop teasing someone, he has low self confidence and when he tries to lack of confidence for that he can come off as arrogant. He also is not super into a lot of computer games and his father and I wont let me have a social media account (something a lot of boys in his group have).
He sees things in terms of black and white, right and wrong. He struggles at times when the world and or people don't fit into a clear mold of what he thinks is expected. He is however a good and loyal friend. He loves to play basket ball (when he tired out for the team at school he did not make the cut). He has a great sense of humor and makes good grades. I know he is capable of making and keeping friends because this just wasn't a issue at his old school.
There is a little less than 2 weeks of school until summer brake. I have advised him to do the best her can. Reminded him to be forgiving and keep his head down and focus on his studies for the remainder of school. I am not sure if that was the right thing to tell him but I really was not sure what to say.
Over the summer I would love to help him work on his confidence and social skills. However, I don't want him to feel like he has to change who he is or make him feel he is not good enough. We have encouraged him to join groups or take some classes out side of school (like a new sport or join the church youth group) he doesn't seem interested in anything like that. He use to be a really involved kind before the move but since we have got here he acts scared and unsure of everything. When he comes home from school he does his homework and chores then he will go sit in his room alone and listen to music or go outside to shoot some hoops alone. If Dad goes out to play with him he often (not always but a lot) says he wants to me alone. He struggles to try new things and have new experiences but on the times we have forced him too 9 times out of 10 he ends up enjoying him self.
So my long questions are these... Do we force him by picking and activity for him to do over the summer. Both kids will be traveling around the country to spend time with different family members but there will be a lot of down time still. I am worried that he will keep isolating him self. Is wanting to have alone time ALL the time normal at this age? I mean is it a faze or is it something to be more concerned with? Does anyone have any advice on how to help him with his social skills and self confidence? Is his struggling to relate to his peers something that is because people are are different and interact in different ways than they did at our old base or is this a him thing or both? Is there something that I am missing in my parenting that would be helpful? I am looking for constructive advice from anyone that might be able to help.
If you have made it this fare in my big long ramblings thank you for taking the time to read this and that you in advance on any advice you may have to offer.
Edit: I first want to thank each and everyone on you amazing women who has answered my question. The heartfelt response form people that don't know me or my son is amazing and I have shed more than a few grateful and happy tears at the support.
I waited to respond with more until I talked to my son about how his day today was. He said it was OK (compared to yesterday OK is an improvement). On of the boys from the group (not anyone I mentioned in my post) talked to my son today at school. He said he didn't know anything about what the others were talking about. That this child like my son and then at lunch sat with my son and not the group. For Jr high that's a big statement. Unfortunately this other child is moving this summer but I my cup over flows for him and his kind heart.
The suggestion have been amazing and if anyone else has anything to add I am so greatful for your time. However to those that have already taken the time to answer a question from a stranger I am without words to express what I feel.
Your words and wisdom have been heard. I have already tolled my husband that we should talk about this and we will once the kids are asleep tonight. I am holding off in the "So What Happened" until I know what actually happens but I wanted to say thank you to those that have answered and give the very small update I had.
First I want to thank everyone who took time to answer my question. I also want to apologize for not telling what happened sooner but I was out of town.
So, here is what has happened. It seems that what the first 2 boys said about my son has caused a bit of a split in the group of friends. Only some of them felt that way and when the others found out some took up my sons side. While it is my understanding that no one has been overly mean to anyone there are about 4 boys from the group that enjoys my sons company. They sit with him at lunch and now that they are taking finals this week they are studying togather.
We talked with my son about this summer and the fact that he needs to do something other than loaf around the house. We gave him a list of summer camps to pick from. He fought us on it. He said he didn't want to make new friends. That camps are too baby (even though the list of camps we gave him are for kids in his own ave group) and that he just didn't know why we won't let him just do his own thing. We did our best to hear him out bit we tolled him that at the end of the day he needed to pick something or dad and I would pick for him. He settled on an art camp and I think that's a good choice for him. He also wants to volunteer at an animal rescue that is close to were we live.
We also talked a bit about his seeing things in only black and white. He came up with on his own that if someone was mean to him once that he would forgive them and be nice but if they are mean to him againthat would be it. That wasn't all that I was hoping for but I am taking that as a place to start from.
This past week he has invited his father to play basketball with him a few different times. So improvement there. He still likes to have time alone but really who doesn't? But he is trying to engage with the family more.
So all and all I think it has turned out well!! I love all the suggestions I got! You are some pretty amazing people!
My daughter has a book, an Asperger's guide to being a teen (I don't remember the exact title, but that's close). She isn't Aspie (my nephew is and you can see the difference) but she does share some of the same issues with difficulty in social situation and not reading social clues. It helps her understand where and how she wasn't fitting in. She now has a small but tight group of friends who accept her for who she is.
While I've never been in a situation such as yours moving around frequently and such, I have had 2 14 year old boys. VERY hard at this age to be moving and lose your "tribe". If at all possible, try to stay rooted somewhere until your kids are grown and gone. Maybe that's impossible, but please try.
What is he interested in? My boys are all about making money so they mow lawns in the summers. If you keep him involved in his interest, he'll naturally meet other kids who have the same interests. One of mine, the one that is more to himself, decided he wanted to learn the bass guitar and is now highly involved in our church youth band and has lots of friends with common interests. Hang in there Mama, he'll find a new tribe, it'll just take some time.
14 really is a difficult age and he really isn't acting that unusual. Like other posters have said, encourage good family time - many kids don't have friends/good friends in Jr. High, but if they feel good at home, they tend to be OK. I would try to negotiate some kind of compromise with him regarding doing something this summer - just sitting around all day, most every day, isn't the best thing if it can be avoided. I would consider offering things that interest him, but aren't necessarily a group activity like learning bass guitar, or karate classes, or a lego camp experience. There are other kids around, but he doesn't have to interact with them if he doesn't want to. I would also look at one camp that IS with other kids, but not ones from his school. I think most kids WANT friends, but when they are rejected they have trouble getting back on that horse without help (speaking of which, horse camp is another one).
Good luck. I would tell you it gets better, but moody 14 year olds are often moody 15 year olds, too :)
Teens can be moody and hormonal, but I don't think you want to write this off as a phase. He's been through a huge transition, and while this is the life of a military family, sometimes these moves occur at tough times. Sounds like that's what happened here.
He's near tears, so he's definitely upset. It sounds like you view him as a loyal friend who also has some trouble with some of his comments. He tends to be a bit narrow in his views (how things should be) but he's also been isolated because of that. It's interesting that his crowd at school said, essentially, "We didn't want to hurt your feelings so now we're telling you that we kept this secret of how you are viewed, and now you've found out about it and you're going to second-guess everything that has occurred up to this point." That's tough to hear. And it's sort of a cross between "we're trying to be good and caring friends" and "hey, we've all been discussing you." Those two things are so hard to reconcile.
One of the best ways to feel better about oneself is to be of service to others. So, 14 is a bit young for a regular summer job, and there are travel/vacation plans in place. But surely there are other things going on in the community where he could volunteer his time, be of service, achieve some confidence-boosting milestones, and meet some new people.
Some random thoughts are:
1) one-week sports camps for younger kids, perhaps at the high school - track & field, basketball, soccer - kids who will look up to your son as a role model, coaches who will help guide and compliment him.
2) vacation Bible school - help with younger kids
3) town recreation department sports or day camp programs - some sports skills perhaps, helping kids line up and keep track of their lunches, making sure no one bullies or excludes anyone, learn good vocabulary for these topics
4) animal shelter or humane society - nothing makes you feel loved like a cuddly dog or cat who needs attention
5) senior center or assisted living - help older adults with crossword puzzles, Bingo, perhaps visits from friendly pets (consider working with the animal shelter to see if there is a cooperative program that socializes the dogs and reaches the seniors), perhaps art/craft/music program assistance
6) internship at town cable TV station, running off flyers for summer programs from various departments, recycling awareness/compliance at health department, and so on.
7) Neighborhood parents' helper with younger kids who are home for the summer or only have, say, a morning camp program - take them on nature walks, supervise them in the family pool, do rainy day activities
8) vacation help for neighbors - take in mail, put out trash, water plants, walking dogs, changing cat litter boxes, etc. My son started a business doing this along with some yard work. It looked great on his college applications to have an ongoing business that expanded and that earned him the trust of various neighbors.
9) yard work - mulching, weeding, mowing
10) other volunteer agency - stack donations at food pantry, run a food collection in the neighborhood or on the base to replenish the shelves (food pantries really struggle in the summer because the demand is greater with kids at home instead of on free school breakfast/lunch programs. Turn your son into a leader by meeting a need.
All of these things make him realize others have it tougher than he does, but also that he has value and abilities that others need and appreciate.
You can do some preliminary research and let him choose, but you should put your foot down that he's not going to sit around all summer and just be by himself shooting a few hoops.
Good luck!
First, good for you as the mom for being able to step back from the emotion here (and who among us doesn't feel awful, and take our kids' sides, when our kids are hurting?) and being able to see things from other kids' perspectives. That is very hard to do, and many parents can't or won't do that, but you have. I really applaud that in you, and it will be a good thing for your son that you are able both to feel for him and to be objective when it's needed.
Is he a kid who will be able to take it in, and not just see it as criticism, if you find a calm time and place to talk with him and explain that sometimes what he sees as being enthusiastic comes across to others as arrogant, or that sometimes he does not stop teasing when the time has come? Some teens can handle that and learn from it but others will not be able to hear that from a parent at all and will only resist it as criticism, no matter how it's put. Only you know if he would take it from you and work on it or if it would make him hide more if you try to talk about it.
Since he did fine in the old school, the problems in the new one may be largely due to coming into a situation where the classmates have known each other a long time, have bonds due to not just school but other activities they've shared, etc. There's nothing you or he can do about that. And frankly it sounds as if the kids were actually making an effort to be nice to him in a way that I honestly wouldn't always expect of teen boys in this situation -- the fact they were being friendly with him, despite their feelings, is actually a good thing but unfortunately it's blown now. If there were more time in the school year I'd suggest your son see if the one boy whom he thought of as a better friend (and who did say they didn't want to hurt his feelings) might be willing to do some things with him, especially if they did activities rather than just hang out, but maybe that's not something your son wants to try.
I would tell him (and if you do it for him you need to do it for his sister too) that he needs to pick one activity and do it. Don't let him just have school and shooting hoops at home, or just hanging out at home in summer. Sit down with him and find the web sites for your local city and county recreation departments and go through the activities, one-time workshops, ongoing courses, etc. Tell him HE gets to pick and he has free rein to follow his interests. He needs something to engage him and take him outside himself, someplace where he can meet other kids with a shared interest (just attending the same school does not mean kids have anything in common other than school--they need interest-based friendships too, by this age, I think).
In a way it's too bad that he'll be going all over the place during the summer because in the summer he could do a camp or class, or come up with a small job like mowing or dog-walking, all of which would build his confidence. But he can't do that if he's always on the move. Will he have even a few chunks of time at home that are long enough for him to do some kind of organized activity in summer? I say organized not because down time is bad but because it sounds as if he needs (and you want) interaction to help him build social skills. See what he and you together can find, but don't let him say "I'd rather not" or "I just want to chill" -- you need to drive the idea of some kind of activity but the carrot here is that he gets to pick it. Alone time is essential to teens, I think (I have one too) but you describe a boy who is doing more than just alone time.
Does the school have a decent counselor? Though the school year is nearly done, I would not hesitate to go see that counselor yourself, now, and explain this. Say that you're seeking specific tips on getting him to get outside his own head, and mention how he seems "scared and unsure of everything" since the move.
Thanks Diane for ideas to keep young teens busy this summer. I'll tuck that away :)
I think moves are hard in general. Especially for more introverted kids and those not into sports. Sometimes kids overcompensate and tease, before being teased. One of mine was like that. Defense mechanism.
When we moved - my kids' first groups weren't really the ones they stuck with. I think they're still finding their way. So this group may not be the one he's with next year. I agree with Mel, I don't find too many 14 year old boys hang out with kids just to be nice. 14 year old boys just aren't that nice in general. (So I think this boy may have been a jerk and not necessarily reflect the feelings of the whole group).
I think you sound like a great parent and he sounds like a great kid. My introverted kid concerns me at times because he likes alone time more than the others. But that's his norm. I have to watch that I don't encourage him *too* much to have friends over or get involved, because I think I send the message 'you should be different' and he's told me so.
Do you have a park nearby where he could go shoot hoops? Does he scooter or skate board?
You might want to let him be on social media. If those against your values or what you feel is appropriate - I get it. I'm not a huge social media lover. But I just know how huge it is for my kids to feel connected to their peers. I just limit it. Mine are not on it all day.
Good luck and keep us posted :)
ETA: Read your little update. Glad you feel supported. That's what this site is for! So many of us know what you are talking about. Remember too - once he finds one true friend (and that's all it takes) it gets easier. Helps the old self esteem. He'll be fine. He feels loved I'm sure (you sound great) and this is just a blip. Glad a pal stepped up. Keep us posted :)
Hi! I was born and raised in AZ till I was 14. My mom moved my brother and I to Indiana. I did not handle that well. My attitude played a HUGE part in how people treated me in school. I was rude and unapproachable. It took me a good more than half the year for me to realize I needed to shape my attitude up. After I matured a little I had some friends. I think differently than most moms I guess, but If I was being forced into sports and camps at that time, I wouldn't have liked it at all. I think lots of happy family time and a little alone time is great. We all need our alone time. 14 year olds do to. I would tell your husband to keep offering to play bball, even if he gets rejected the boy will remember dad wanted to play. Eventually I think your boy would let him.
It sounds like your son is still adjusting to the "new" base and state. At that age it is hard to leave what you know to what you don't know. If he entered the new school after the year began he is behind the curve with making friends as they have already formed for the year.
Being a military kid is different. You stay at a place for a while and make good buddies and then one of you leave for another location. Sometimes you stay in touch and sometimes you don't. If you were close neighbors you might depending on the age you were before you moved.
Many times schools are at different levels of education when you arrive and you have to try to catch up or fall back to keep in pace with the teaching. Most of the time the military child is ahead of the local school district.
Try to get him involved in something that he likes to do. Perhaps a martial arts class, painting, basketball, swim or something for the summer. Try scouts in the fall to meet different kids.
It is hard in life in general but the boys at the new school could have left him be than to do what they did - tolerate him - and not be sincere. They will get theirs karma has a way of paying back the bad vibes.
My daughter had a tough time fitting in in school the last move we made. It took her about two years before you found a group that was sincere. We came in from Germany to New Mexico. Our son had just graduated high school and he also had a time to adjust to not being in high school and a new "adult". It was rough on all of us for a bit but we made it.
Now they are grown and live in different neighboring states.
the other S.
Retired Military Wife
What those boys said to your son was so hurtful and mean. My heart broke for him and you.
I would definitely sign him up for activities this summer. If he doesn't pick something tell him you will. I don't think it is healthy to do nothing day after day. 14 is a hard age because kids are still too young to work but on the old side for many camps. Still my girls went to drama camp at that age, made lots of friends and had a great time.
Keeping him busy with random stuff to distract him over the summer won't be a permanent or long-term solution.
I recommend your son go into martial arts. For most kids, something like Karate or Taekwondo will encourage the building of self-esteem while establishing discipline as well as respect for others. Martial arts are all-year, ongoing. My sons were at the dojo 2-3 times per week for five years.
It is a safe environment for getting the arrogance knocked out of you too. Ending up flat on your back because you got cocky and teased someone with more skill is a good life lesson.
Additionally, seeing a therapist who works with kids on social skills behavior and critical thinking (adding grey to that black/white) will be great for him.
Welcome to Mamapedia!! I was a major loner, and actually still am -- majorly introverted. Some people are like this by nature. The thing that worries me is the fact he was nearly in tears, it sounds like while he may like some alone time, he may also want friends and feels like an outcast, but wants so badly to be part of a group. Are there any clubs at the school? I actually had no friends in middle school (part of it was due to my parents' recent move from Europe, struggling to fit in, and learn proper English). I also struggled for a while in high school when it came to that due to my introverted nature and the fact I was mature for my age. I did join a few clubs though, like French Club, a Health Awareness Club, and a Photography Club and it is there where I made a couple of friends. I never did well in large groups, but because the clubs had small amounts of kids, they all had a chance to speak, and had to work as a group, I felt closer to them and I had an easier time making conversation. We would have to plan things and come up with ideas, so we got to work together. I even made Club President one year, hah! My point is, small clubs like these may be what he needs, rather than walking to random cliques during recess or lunch and trying to become accepted.
Another idea that just came to me was the Boy Scouts, that would be a good way to make friends, be active, enjoy the outdoors, and learn survival skills and perhaps, some of the kids go to his school. Anyway, it could not hurt to polish his social skills even if he befriends kids who do not attend his school. I would even call the local parks, a few parks have recreation centers. I have one a few blocks away and there is a teen club for kids to go to after school and play chess, ping pong, foosball, pool, bowling, ice skating...perhaps there is something like this near where you live where again, he might bump into classmates or at least make friends with kids in the surrounding area. Even a park may have basketball hoops where he could go play and make new friends. I think this would help with his confidence issue, and as he becomes familiarized with your new city, he will feel less and less afraid and get to enjoy himself. I liked Diane B.'s idea of volunteering too. It kept me busy, taught me some job and professional skills, and I was with people within my age group too. Hope our suggestions have been helpful and that things get better for him as he slowly settles in!
First I feel your concern. All we want is to see our children happy and thriving. It would probably not have been as noticeable if he was with his old friends because his friends had his back. Did he have any close friend that you might fly into to stay a few weeks with you this summer. It would be a welcome reprieve for him to be himself again. If not than should you force him to do something this summer. Absolutely. Of course they will tell you they don't want too. We moved when our youngest was in 8th grade and that was a tough time. But when summer rolled around we encouraged him to join the band and see how that worked out. They would get together during the summer for practice and to get to know one another. His doing that was as different as night and day. He found his place and he will be 30 this Saturday. At our old house he had many friends and it was effortless for him. Once he got involved (and the first thing may not work but don't be discouraged.) he began to get invited to have pizza with his band members. If that hadn't worked I would definitely have seeked out another alternative and eventually you will hit on the right one. Is there a place where you can take him swimming where other kids his age are hanging out? Do not let him sit around all summer and do nothing. When school is out he will have the same confidence at home because he is not facing a strange school without his old friends everyday. I think you are so smart not to let him on social media that being said if all the kids are and it would be a way for him to fit in you could still monitor him closely and there are parental controls. All limit the time he is on social media. Kids need to be doing things with other kids there age. If he has too much time on his hands while he is going through this adjustment it will be up to you to draw him back out in to the world. 14 is a horrible age. By next year he will have made friends but make sure your not so relieved you stop paying attention to the kids he is hanging out with. I'd like to tell you it gets easier but I'm sure your very aware that doesn't happen. The kids are complicated human beings and when they are miserable their going to take it out on people he loves because he knows it doesn't matter you will always love him. He also still has to be given discipline if called for. I'm sure you will catch him in a place he wasn't supposed to be at some point. Just make sure you tell him when he can't do something you tell him the reason. Also tell him the consequence if does it again. Don't make fake promises he will always try to push the boundaries. Wait till he gets his drivers license. When my kids did that I told them if your old enough to drive a car and we trust you then you need to find a part time job. It will the best thing for him. He'll be earning some of his own money to pay for the gas he will put in your car. Have him wash your car if he is driving it and clean it inside once a week. Give him responsibilities that he can feel proud of. Just keep trying and keep talking to him. If he doesn't want to talk say okay and just plop yourself down until he knows he doesn't have to talk you'll sit there too. He needs to know that his family firmly has his back. He will be fine give it the summer and reevaluate your situation. Hang in there mom I promise without a doubt he will make friends if you don't allow him to isolate himself. You will have to be proactive. I've been through this and my heart ached for my child but eventually he's going to see that things will turn out okay and he will have a much better year at school next year. Being the new kids sucks. Lets face it we hurt when our kids hurt. If he wants alone time let him watch an hour of tv or read a book. Go to the library. They really don't need you to be their friend as much as they need you to be a parent and help them through a rocky time.
