14 Year Old Daughter So Judgemental.

**Katie & Mom-
Turn your hate into something useful. Hate created Hitler.
Hate creates Darfur. Hate creates misogynist treatment of women and cruelty. Hate creates despair and a lonely road.
MAKE something of your "passion"... don't turn it into "hate." Bono, Cyndi Lauper, George Clooney, Sean Penn, Johnny Depp... all turn intolerance of intolerance into USEFUL means of helping humanity. THAT is what you must do. Even Bridgette Bardot... fights for animal rights. Katie, "fight" for something meaningful and useful... do it "smartly" not "hatefully." THAT is what makes the difference between "losers" and people who are not losers.

Read this article:
http://www.forbes.com/2006/11/22/celebrity-activist-holly...
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Many times, a person acts like that because they themselves are unhappy with themself and they don't like themself.
But, they turn it outward... and pick on other people being judgmental.

Perhaps, she needs a different kind of counseling... versus only a Psychiatrist, or in addition to that. I know she needs the Psychiatrist because she is on meds.

Next, sometimes "perfectionist" people are so judgmental, too. Is your daughter a perfectionist? And many time, perfectionists are "controlling" as well... another unpleasant mix to the problem.

Next... my sister was JUST like that to a degree. It made our family and everyone miserable...from "friends" to family, to anyone. She even told off the school Principal once. But, she was/is a VERY bright person and very "type A." Still, that is NO excuse to treat people that way. NO excuse.

My sister, because of her personality, spent ALL her child/teen/college years in constant struggle and conflicts with people. As an Adult... and in the workplace... many people couldn't stand her... but she was always in high job positions where she was the "boss" and so, well, to a certain degree people just "had to" put up with it. Still, it was not nice to deal with her. Her personal relationships... ALWAYS ended because she was so critical... and controlling. THEN she was always at odds with people AND unhappy... because she could never get along with anyone. And she was always "lonely" and felt alone and didn't know why.

FINALLY, as an adult... she realized that it was HER, not others, that made her miserable and they did not deserve her wrath. I don't know what "changed" her... but I think it was because my Dad died... and it made her have a different "outlook" on life. She is a completely NORMAL nice person now... but it took something drastic to change her attitude.
Its sad.

Now though, my sister has a Boss peer, that is MAJORLY like your daughter... and she makes her ENTIRE department miserable. So it's like my sister is NOW getting what she dumped on people herself, in her earlier years. That is sad too. It has gone full circle.

The thing is, NO ONE likes people like this, no matter what age.

Your daughter, will not "learn" that, until she has emotional maturity and development.

Her attitude that she "does not want to change who she is..." is a fallacy... because you don't have to "change" yourself... rather, its about being true to yourself but having DECENCY toward others. AND, WHO is she anyway? Does she know that? A 14 year old does not.
If she is mean to people, and it is even abusive... then THAT is who she is... DOES SHE KNOW THAT? A person is what they do to others...

Sure this age is hard, and she has bi-polar... and this is probably what she is fighting against... she does not want to be labeled or have this condition, but she does, so its a constant conflict in herself. Its like a "rebellion" against herself.

My sister, finally realized she did NOT like "who" she was.... and no one else did either. Some people were even 'scared' of her and blatantly avoided her at all costs. As her family... it was really really stressful and miserable dealing with her drama's and fights and attitude. I HATED it. I avoided her too, at all costs, even though I am her sister. I told her point blank, she is not nice amongst other things.

Your daughter is taking it out on others... what she probably feels against herself.

She is going to hit rock-bottom at some point... you can't always be saving her... (my parents, no matter how they helped my sister, would always get burned back and my sister never listened to them anyway, it was futile. My sister never listened to ANYONE, because she felt she was 'all that.'). So... until your daughter REALLY recognizes and DEEPLY understands how "abusive" her behavior is... she will not change. But.. in the meantime, she will have no friends, she will bully people, she will criticize them and other negative things. So tell your daughter... ALL OF THESE THINGS IN HER LIFE AND ITS RESULTS... are a result of "who" she is. A person "is" not what they speak out of their mouth, but ALSO what they have or have not in their lives and how people fear or love you. She can judge people all she wants... but that will leave her with nothing in her own life. It creates NO results and no happiness.
No one will want to be around her unless they can't avoid it.

It will take time. Each person is different. But many times people like this don't change unless they hit some sort of rock-bottom or drastic circumstance... just talking to her/lecturing her will not work. People like this have a "deaf ear." I am just speaking in terms of my sister... who was very similar to your daughter. So this is why I say all this.

I don't have an answer... just some experience from dealing with my sister. But my sister is NOW, a normal loving pleasant person who has learned HOW to have friends and all the while still being herself. NOW her family actually "trusts" her...

For your daughter... you ALSO HAVE to make sure, she does NOT fall into the bad crowds or bad kids at school, or anywhere... because of "who" she is and how she thinks about others. BECAUSE, she will experience a LOT of "rejection" in her teen years.. if she continues on the way she is. And "rejection" for a teen is hard... and it can make other things more complicated and she may act out.

Next, is there anyone, that your daughter DOES "respect" or look up to???? An adult figure? If so, then perhaps this person can be some sort of mentor... and teach her about life, and how she is going about it in a really caustic way... and to really discover who she is and how that can ALSO mean being "nice." Always picking on others or bullying them or intimidating them is just "not cool" and it is a total turn off. I don't think your daughter knows that yet...

All the best,
Susan

C. & Daughter,

I agree with S H and Riley. Turn your passion into something that will make a difference. I have an intolerance for the same types of people, but you have to have some finesse too. Use your passion!

I would also take some of the first responders advice. Take your daughter to a shelter or something similar to see how others must live AND to feel what a difference she can make by helping out.

As for going back to school... I would give her another chance, IF she agrees to work on her attitude with peers. Set up some consequences for her bad attitude and take her back out of school if she can't do her part. Being pleasent in the face of others you dislike is a skill that will get her far in life. Imagine if we said everything we wanted to a boss or landlord! Some of us would be in big trouble.

Good luck and I hope I was of some help!
~A.

I think if she is doing well in the virtual academy, I would not risk that by moving her into high school without taking with her psychiatrist and a counselor first.

Best of luck,
J.

<Laughing> Of COURSE, your mum didn't put in everything. If she HAD we would have had to read through 14 pages of how wonderful, talented, beautiful, & smart you are; 2 pages of things you've done that have nearly given her a heart attack, the way you smile when you sleep, that quirky thing you do with "x", her favorite things to do with you from age 2 to present day, her hopes/dreams/fears/struggles, how she nearly got into (or did get into) a knock down drag out fight with fists or words with person a, b, or c who DARED say or do something to or about you, and how she struggles to walk that tightwire between being mentor/mum/friend... having to decide on a daily and hourly basis when to offer you a hand, yank you out of the way, or let you fall and learn on your own.

Instead, she gave us the Cliffnotes version of her biggest (current) fear/struggle... assuming we'd fill in the blanks.,, since we're all mums too, and know most of it already through our own kids, we did. Give your mum some credit, she did alright.

We could go at this a couple ways. The obvious is to point out that everything you "hate", you are actually DOING. But then you might stop reading. And besides, you've probably gotten that six ways from Sunday. And in all actuality that's only half true. It's true for the people that you're hurting, but not for YOU (aka intent/belief).

So let's take it the ADHD route. Yes, I know you're not, but I am. :) Wheee! And unless you've made a habit of reading psychology textbooks (real ones, and not a bad habit, I might add) you might be surprised at how close bipolarity and adhd are. In fact, in a lot of cases, did you know that the only way to tell is to try meds, and see which ones "work"? Did you know, too, that ADHD, Bipolarity, & Addiction are all right next to each other on the same gene? Pretty darn cool, I think.

Okay, back on targetl So question one: Girl, what's going on with your imagination? I know you've got one, because most of my friends are either bipolar or ADHD, and there's usually more imaginative, creative, fighting spirit in the pinkie of one of us then in a whole roomful of MOST other people without. Exceptions to every rule, of course, I've known some brilliantly creative people who weren't adhd/bipolar and one of "us" who couldn't think her way out of a wet paper bag...but by and large that's way that our brains work...they're built for the creative, think outside the box, shazaaam! kind of explorations/solutions. Now don't get me wrong, there's a ton of stuff I can't do (or just plain do baaaaaaadly, but imagination isn't one of them.

From what both you and your mum are saying, it looks like your imagination ran into a brick wall somewhere. Ouch. (I've done that, btw, pretty much we all have at some point...) I hate to say it, but there's pretty much nothing to be done about it. The teeth latch onto an idea and shake it until for some almost inexplicable reason, we're done. Humph. I call it swimming in the shallow end. Not that there isn't value in the shallow end, but boy, is it boring in the long run. Don't worry, you'll find the water park as soon as you're ready. It'll irritate the hell out of everyone around you until you do...but that's just 'cause they want you to be having more fun then you ARE having. It's hard to see that, sometimes, but if they really love you (and your mum certainly does), they want you to be having a good time in this life...and are just afraid you're going to stay in the kiddie pool, alone, all by yourself forever. In all honesty, that usually just makes us stay there longer (where's the faith?)...but I'd rather have a mum (like MINE) than one who would roll over. It's really really cool in hindsight, realizing that your mum would fight for you no matter what, even if that person is ME (and I'm a pretty good fighter), and even if in the moment it drives us cross-eyed and bonkers.

Question 2 : What's the last totally fun thing that you did? Luxuirous fun, like staying in bed reveling in sleeping in and the pillow beneath your head...silly fun (like, so what, I look like I'm six??? This is too great to pass up)...geeky fun (gawd, I hope nobody sees me)...intellectual fun.........what have you. The last fun thing. And if the answer wasn't TODAY, fix that. Do at least one fun thing a day. No excuses. I've actually been tortured for a few weeks, and I managed to have fun at least once every day. Granted, most of those days sucked big time...but one fun thing per day. That way, no day is a total waste.

Question 3: As of this moment, what are 3 things you might want to be when you grow up? (Never limit yourself to one choice). At fourteen I wanted to rob banks, join the circus, and travel the world. Highschool bored me to tears, so I took an unpaid internship robbing banks. Legally even. (Sounds sexier then it is, hence why I don't do it for a living.) They banks hire companies to "test their security". These days, it's mostly computers, which bores me...but there's still some James Bond type work. My point being...why wait until you're done with school to start tasting the rest of your life? (Ignore the phrase "real world". We're all in the real world. There's no special door.) If you like photojournalism, psychology, flying planes, surfing...put that imagination to work and start getting your foot in some doors. Go find out how much fun it is for real, and how much it just SOUNDS like fun. Figure out how to make something that sounds crazy pay. A lot of the time you can even get HS credit for these kinds of things if you work it right. ::laughing:: a lot of it is fetching coffee type scut-work, but if you keep your ears open and eyes sharp you learn a whole lot about whether you reeeaally want to do this thing or not.

Question 4. In real life, if we were sitting on the stairs talking, this would be where you would say "Hey, I thought we were supposed to be talking about hating people and being judgmental." And I would say; Nope. Hating people and being judgmental is boring and shallow, and you're neither. What would be waaaaaay more fun to talk about are these amazing strengths you've got. Either you've got no fear, or you're really brave. Being able to stand up to anyone, anywhere, and tell them where to stick it...is something to channel. Sure, you could play it safe and stick to insults, or you could get really GOOD with it, and change the world. You'd have to learn a lot about people in order to sway them, instead of just tell them what to do with themselves...or you could keep it at the level where you're at and hire yourself out as verbal brawn for a good cause. Probably, you won't be content with staying where you're at (although Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern are two examples to emulate if you DID want to stay where you are), you probably won't...especially once you start studying people who've got your gift and took it to some really amazing places.

Obviously, I could go on for some time you've got a lot of interesting possibilities in front of you, but I've got to call it a night...and I've already gone on for quite awhile.

My best, & Good Luck, to both of you :)

14 years old is often the time when kids turn inward and think that the world revolves around them. Try taking her to homeless shelters and children's hospitals so she can see people who have it harder than she does. Also, know that someone... albeit probably an older student... WILL put her in her place. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but there is still a pecking order in high school... she's the bottom.

i agree with jennifer, as it seems more like a teenage issue than an issue with her mental health. she may be "put in her place"/get a dose of reality when her peers show/tell her that her behavior is unacceptable.

have you discussed any of this with her psychiatrist?