How to Take Back My Right to B the Mom

The token system of behavior modification is very successful... Take everything out of his room except a weeks worth of clothes and his bed - he should only be allowed to have a blanket and a pillow... as he progress in acceptable behavior he works his way back into his things. This is done with the help of a "life coach"/counsellor if you will. Has been very successful!

I am glad you are choosing to be the mom. You can do it! You have been through much more than he has. My daughter is a wonderful young lady now but when she was a teenager, she wanted to run the house. I got tired of the disrespect, so one day after I dropped her off at school, I gutted her room. I took down everything off the walls, took off the cute bedding, took out all the distractions and boxed everything up. All she had was a bed and everything else was gone except her clothes. She also lost her phone. (There are plenty of people around "in case of an emergency"). When she came home I told her that she was not going to like what she saw, but if she had her "attitude" then she would lose more. She was civil and didn't lose her clothes as well. (I would have given her white t-shirts and jeans to wear everyday to school.) I didn't do it in anger, I was very calm. I just needed to get her attention. She slowly earned back her belongings. It worked wonderfully! She just needed to know that we meant business. I just kept telling her that she needs to change her attitude and be respectful ALL the time.

Also, stay very calm, always. I know it is tough but they love having the control of making you mad. When they can't push your buttons anymore, it is amazing. When you feel the temperature rising, just walk away before you get overheated. Keep your voice very quiet and calm. Eventually he will have to calm down to hear you. Say, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I will not listen to you when you are like this. Always use the exact same words, whatever you choose, as he will get tired of hearing the "broken record." When he says that something isn't fair. Just say, "You're right." Always give the same answer to the same repetitive comments.

Good luck. You can do this and the world needs your son to be put in his place. He needs to learn that there are privileges only when he is decent.

I don't have any answers for you, I just want to say that I understand what it is like to have a difficult child inwhich ordinary parentlng techniques do not work. Try to find a support group either online or in your community. You will get the best advise from parents experiencing similar challenges. I know first hand that you can read all the parenting books available and they make it sound so easy and it is not, not with theses kids. I also know so many other mothers with normal kids who say why don't you just......etc etc...Nothing is black and white and what worked one day, one hour one minute ago may not work the next time. You always have to be one step ahead and very creative and don't let them know that you feel threatened. I once asked a question and someone recommended the site additudemagazine it is a site dedicated adhd and it has a good forum.

This is going to be a pain in the tucus... but I know of no single adhd specialist or bipolar specialist who believes the two disorders actually can exist together. AKA... being dx'd as both is a misdiagnosis. They overlap a GREAT deal, but the meds for each make the other WORSE... which creates a chemical and behavioral nightmare.

So this very well may be as simple as getting a new psychiatrist (one who specializes in adhd & bipolarity), weaning him off the meds, and getting a correct diagnosis & medication regimen.

I'd check with the school and see what they use to manage him. I'd also suggest Love and Logic Discipline as well as family counseling. They can help you work together and communicate better

Go to another DR and have his meds checked. Certain meds combined can cause this behavior. My GF has one son who is both as well and he was out of control to the point she had her younger son move in with her mom because she was worried he would be physically hurt by the older son. She too is super petite and her 11 year old same size as your son. She went through 4 doc and finally the 4th changed the meds and he is a different child. Just a suggestion. Stay strong your child needs it just as much as you do.

I have a son who is ADHD & bipolar/aspergers (more the second). Set it straight now. You are the Mom and he needs to address you as such. Much of the advice you have is true, except you can't be both. My son has been properly diagnosed with both. I have had more than one Dr/Psychiatrist say that it is not uncommon to have both. His Aspergers was later and pretty much replaced the bipolar. When he was that age he was the same, not quite as big as your son. But it reach the point where I had to take control and not back down. Also, knowing when he was losing it, to get him the needed help, immediatley, was important. That had really been the most productive.
Talk to the Dr & therapist about this, preferrably without your son in the room. Ask his Dr or the Nurse for some support organizations. I know NAMI is a good one. Also check with you County's MHMR.
Keeping a journal or log was extremely helpful, especially to Dr & Therapists, to see triggers, dips in meds, etc.. It also helped me to keep me from losing it.
I know this is SO DIFFICULT, scary, exhausting, and mind boggling but YOU, & YOUR SON, WILL GET THROUGH THIS. It may not seem like it but you will. My son is now 17 and so many Friends, & my son, have noticed he has come a long way. Stay strong Mama!!

What causes the disrespect the adhd or bipolar? My son is on meds for adhd.

Whew. Teenagers can be so frustrating! My son is now 18, and I can tell you what I wish I had done. If I were to do it all over again, there would be no cable and no internet in my home. These 2 things greatly take away from family time, and relationship building activities. Like talking. :) The other activity that helped my son tremendously was CAP, or Civil Air Patrol. You can join at 12 years old, it's a civilian branch of the Air Force, but in no way leads your child to the military, or anything like that. What it does is teaches respect, physical fitness, the kids study and take tests to promote their rank. And with rank come responsibility and privilege. It's an amazing system! They also have camps and activities, completely 100% supervised, that really teach the child how to depend on themselves, and one another. They not only learn to lead, they learn to follow. They learn self-confidence. They learn respect. They have opportunties to learn search and resuce, first aid, it's like Boy Scouts only way more progressive! If you have a wing anywhere near you, I would encourage you to take him to the next meeting without delay! You won't regret it. You can also participate with him, if you're willing, as a Senior Member. It's a fantastic experience that I would encourage every parent of a teenager to check out. My son flew a plane (took the controls) at 14 and flew for over 50 miles. He loved it! They also make the kids very very aware that without Mom (or Dad) that they would not have the opportunities they have. Check it out! And down the road, they offer scholarships, exchange programs, competition opportunities, my son even had the opportunity to guard the planes for the Blue Angels at the Rockford Air Show 2 summers in a row. They also can earn positions at other Air Shows.

Great program!

Send him to military school.

Make consequences and DO NOT BACK DOWN. Mean what you say and say what you mean.

Do not be afraid to take away privilages and other things that he loves in order to comply with the rules.

Try to give him the best diet possible. Take out anything artificial and use as close to the actual food as possible. It sounds silly, but if e has ADHD he is most likely also chemical sensitive and this greatly effects behavior.

Good Luck. This is such a hard time in their lives. My 12 yo can have a mouth on him as well, but he is still little. I remind him to mind his manners and that I will not be treated with disrespect. He does have ADHD but not the other issues your son has.

Are there any male role models that you can find that will instill in him a respect for his mother and women in general? Boys who are about to be men need men (real men) to show them they way. Gosh I know its hard to find people like this. Ideas: Boy Scouts, church youth groups, sports activities (this does double good because it helps to burn off hormonal energy) Martial Arts (my neighbor is earning her belts at the same time as her sons and they know to respect her...but really look for people leading that your son can admire. Do things with him that will win his heart (spend time with him doing something that he likes & make yourself smile a lot), and let him know quietly that the language won't gain him respect and that it is important for him to have yours. Ask him how you can help him gain control of his tongue...maybe some sort of signal to tell him "No more" If you are a praying person, lift this up and ask for help and change in this relationship. Blessings to you!

What about taking small steps. Start with the bad mouth and the disrepectfulness. Find something important to him. Something that he will work hard to keep.

If its video games, he loses half a day of games each time he's disrepectful. If its sports, then work with his coach to only reward him with playing time when he's good. If he mouths off he's benched. Work with his teachers to create a circle of consequence. What happens at school has an effect at school and vise versa.

For yourself, I would take a self-defense course so that you can learn the proper way to defend yourself, if need be, as well as how to properly subdue him without hurting him.

Good luck
M.

Bless you! You are in quite a predicament.

You mention that you have your son on meds and I would suppose that he is seeing a psychologist (or, at least, you try to get him to talk to a psychologist). Ask for an appointment for yourself! Often a "consult with parent" is allowed for the sake of insurance and co-pay rules; plus you don't have to fill out all the paperwork as if you are a new patient.

If you can manage to see the psychologist (or child psychologist), ask these questions! Get help making a game plan for yourself.

Following the advice of some parent books, including the "Parenting Your Teen with Love and Logic", I am focusing on ignoring my son's "bad mouth" (my son enjoys seeing my angry reaction!), then on being a "broken record" saying, when you can respectfully talk with me in a reasonable tone of voice ('normal' voice), then I will listen.

The hardest part, for me and most likely for every parent, is to stop reacting with anger. I just about bite my tongue to make myself count to ten and say "when I am treated with respect then I will treat you with respect."

Keep asking questions and good luck!