13 Year Olds and Homework

My thirteen year old does his homework at the dinning room table while I make dinner. That way I can watch to see if he is staying on task and redirect if needed with out constant baby sitting. Then there is no TV or computer or phone or friends after dinner until everything is done and in the back pack and ready for the morning.

D.,

What you describe is very typical of a child with ADHD. Many kids with this disorder have little idea how to plan over time (the hour or so you left her) have very poor ablity to self monitor what is successful and what is not, so they really don't know how to reproduce the good job they did last week, or how they ended up with an F yesterday either. They may have various processing defficits (sometimes processing speed, or verbal/math ablities) so they have difficulty with some areas that are extra hard for them to attack. They also loose track of time, and if her medication is not long lasting, she could be having episodes of lossing her train of thought, which is part of the disfunciton, when the child's idea or thought fails to continue along the millions of synapses in her brain (the tiny space between brain cells where chemicals carry our "thoughts".) Think how frustrating that is when it happens to you, and imagine what life would be like when it happend all day long!

If she is not receiveing help at school with this problem, she should, and you can request that the school step up and include a goal for her in an IEP or 504 plan, if she already has one of those. If she does not, this is the time to request both evaluation and intervention. Homework problems are a school problem, and could be the "educational need" that can get her services at school. This is NOT an issue related to her home situation or your parenting skills.

Your job is to provide her a place and time to do the work, and to give her the tools she needs to do it (medication being only one too for a kid with ADHD.) You can monitor her and remind her to keep working, and help her with questions when she hass them, but if all this fails, you should ask the school to step up. Beware: the school will be happy to let you shoulder the load if you are willing to do the job for them, so make it clear, in writing, that you expect for them to take responsiblity. She does not have to fail before she gets help.

If you have any more questions about how to get the school to help, please let me know. There also may be a parent mentor working at your school, and they may be able to help you navigate the system.

My best and first advice is this: Know more about your daughter than the school does and purchase your own comprehensive educational evaluation from a neuro psychologist. Second, if it did not happen in writing, it never happened.

Also, check out www.wrightslaw.com and read as much as you can about advocacy.

Good luck,
M.

ADD or not, responsibilities need to be met. That doesn't mean there can't be some assistance. Maybe you can help her organize her homework based on due dates, difficulty etc. so she knows what order to work in.

Beyond that, kids, especially at this age, should be doing their own homework, with a little help here and there as needed. No nagging, no fighting - they know their responsibilities. If they don't do it, then they also know the consequences. Obviously, at school it's grades and discipline (detention or whatever the teacher outlines). Let your daughter know, too, what the consequences at home are for not doing homework, poor grades, inconvenience of detention, etc. etc.

I would have let her take the consequences of not having done her homework instead of doing it with her at bed time. What did you do to discipline her at that point? Ground her the next day? No TV? New rules about when homework has to be done by? If she can't do her homework without her there then I guess you have to either be there or take her with you to make sure she gets it done. Surely she'll learn that if she doesn't do her homework she gets to do little else and you'll always be watching over her. But if there are no consequences then there's no reason for her to change her behavior. I assume something happens at school if she doesn't do it, but she needs discipline at home as well. I don't know any teenagers who like the idea of sitting in their room alone with no TV, I'm guessing that happening a couple times is all it will take to make sure she does it from then on!

My brother and I both have ADD (not ADHD, which is a different disorder), and middle school was especially difficult for both of us, because teachers expected us to pick up on responsibilities and handle things ourselves, but we could hardly concentrate on classes we enjoyed, much less classes we hated! To make matters worse, 13-year-olds in general have trouble planning ahead and allotting the expected amount of time.

Face it - you're going to have to baby-sit her. You shouldn't have to help with all her assignments (kids with ADD are still smart, and she can understand material as well as another child if she applies herself - she'll have to ask for help occasionally, of course, as all kids do), but you may have to stand over her to make sure she does them. Without you there, there are probably just too many distractions. You need to have her sit somewhere public but without a TV, music, phone, etc. so that you can watch to make sure she is working. She may not be mature enough, or she may not have the skills to do it any other way.

The bigger problem that you face is your daughter's fibbing, which has nothing to do with her disorder and is purely avoiding confrontation. That should be punished, and you also need to get in touch with her teachers. Make sure they understand her diagnosis so that together you can monitor her (make sure she isn't missing assignments consistently, etc.) Make sure your daughter knows that you are in touch with her teachers, so that everyone involved will know if she tells a lie.

It is really good that you are nipping this is the bud now. My parents did not know how to address the situation (when my brother and I were diagnosed, ADD was still a very new concept - very little was known about treating it and living with it), and while I managed to finally get my act together in high school with the help of parents, teachers, and supportive friends, my brother was unable to organize his life until he was well into his 20s. If you help your daughter develop her necessary skill-set now (and believe me, she needs it more than other teens because she has a long road ahead of her), everything will be easier for her when grades really start to count toward going to college. Good luck!

I played "homework wars" with my son for two years and lost. Finally I went to the school and said that they should do whatever was necessary to convince my child that homework was important. My relationship with my children is more important than homework. I ask if they need help and I only help as long as they are working harder than I am. Other than that, I let the school deal with it.

My son spent most of eighth grade in ISR. Now he is in high school and somehow gets his homework done in study hall.

If your child is ADHD, you might want to see if there is a stronger medicine. They switched my son to Vyvanse because it is delivered more slowly and lasts longer. We also tried a short acting stimulant for after school.
You are absolutely correct in feeling adequate sleep is important too. ADHD is aggravated by inadequate sleep patterns.

This is typical 13 year old behavior, with or without ADD. You gave her plenty of time to do her homework, she knew what she was supposed to do, and didn't.

I remember a situation with a family we know: when the oldest son was about 13, he REALLY wanted a nintendo or some sort of game system. He CONSTANTLY begged his parents for one, and they kept putting it off. They also said that he didn't like to do homework (PARTICULARLY didn't like to do MATH homework), and trying to get him to do his homework was always a chore. One day they finally struck a deal - if he got his math homework done in 30 minutes, they'd get him a game system. He got it done well within enough time, and was so excited. BUT she told him - "you know what...now I know you can do it within a reasonable time, and will expect that from now on." His eyes got really big and he said, "Oh....."

Not saying that you should go get her a nintendo or extravagant gifts for doing her homework - but maybe some sort or reward system might be helpful. If you have a family night, she could pick the movie to watch or the game to play, or the family could go bowling IF her grades show improvement from doing her homework or something.

Some other things:
**Let her know that the sooner she gets her homework done (which she doesn't like to do), the sooner she can do stuf that she does like to do.
**Let her know you understand that she doesn't like to do homework, nobody really likes to do homework, but it's still something that has to be done (kind of like going to the bathroom can be an inconvenient necessity, everybody's got to do it).
**She "may not realize it now, but it will help her in the future" with college, with any job she gets. It's teaching her how to manage her priorities.
**Let her know there are consequences for her actions; she chooses not to do her homework, then she chooses the consequence. I don't know if grounding is the best way to "punish" the action - or if taking away phone priveleges - but whatever is her "thing", that's what should be "grounded". If she likes talking on the phone, no phone for a certain number of days. If she likes video games, none of those for a certain period of time. You get the idea.

For what it's worth...and good luck!

Whether or not your child has a learning disability it does not excuse her from doing her homework to the best of her ability. She should have gotten more done on her own. I had plenty of friends with add and adhd growing up and I have dyslexia. Just remember that as she grows toward adulthood that no potiential employer is going to accept her disability as an excuse unless she wants to spend the rest of her life flipping burgers and succeeding no farther.

I don't have kids with ADHD, but I do have one with OCD and sometimes it can take her hours to do 1/2 hours work. This usually happens if she has homework in multiple subjects and an after school activity. I have not babysat my kids for homework since they were in 2nd grade. If they have questions, my husband or I will guide them (like you-they have to do the work). If homework isn't completed, they suffer the consequences (my daughter got her first dt for this very thing 2 days ago).

I think you handled the situation correctly. Sleep is very important and now she will have a consequence to deal with not getting her math homework done. Maybe the teacher will let her turn it in late for a slightly lower score.

Good luck.

You were not wrong in expecting the homework to be done!!! I am a middle school math teacher, and I work with kids on a daily basis that don't want to do their homework. I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell the parents of my students: set up a reward/consequence system when it comes to schoolwork. When she does her homework, she earns a privilage (your choice!) and when she doesn't, she has a consequence. The reward could be a daily thing (computer time, for example) or it could be a weekly thing (friend over on Saturday for a few hours). The consequences should be immediate (loss of TV/computer time). Get the school involved with this. If she doesn't have an agenda (we provide them for our students) get her one. She would be responsible for filling it out (in pen so she can't erase anything) each day and having her teachers sign it at the end of each class period. When they sign it, they are telling you 'yes, this is her homework'. This way you know exactly what she has to do in order to earn her reward. And if she tells you she got it done at school, that's great but she still needs to bring it home to show you that it is done. Otherwise, she will need to do it again so that you know for a fact that it is done.

You are trying to teach her responsibility, and that is the best thing you can do! The school will be willing to work with you on this. Eventually you will not need to stand over her on the homework issue. However, be available as much as possible in case she needs help. If you can't help her, that's OK...that's what her teachers are there for! All kids will test new freedoms they are given, and that includes freedom to do homework without anyone watching over you.

Prepare yourself that this homework issue could last a long time...be persistant!!!! You are setting her up for success...one of the best gifts you could give her!

No you are not wrong to have expected the homework to be done.
I would ground her for the week end for fibbing to you and not doing what she knew was expected of her.
Getting her to do it without baby sitting her is another story totally. There are too many distractions for her at home I would say. I was required to sit at the dining room table and finish all home work when I arrived home each day. I wasn't allowed to leave the table except to use the rest room until it was done. Discipline was huge in our home and if we didn't do what was expected we suffered the consequences. No TV , NO deserts, no priviledges. Once you enforce it , it has to be consistant.Good luck. I know your just trying to be a GOOD MOM, but she may think you are being mean. Some day she will Thank You for putting your foot down.

Of course you should be able to expect her to do this.
But it would probably be better if someone would supervise her homework time.
What consequences did she have from her failure to finish her homework?
What was she doing all that time?
Homework time should be free of all distractions, and a place to do assignments should be provided.
Apparently she needs someone looking over her shoulder.
Habits of study need to be established and consistent.
Reference books such as a dictionary, thesaurus, Atlas, encyclopedia should be readily available , or today, access to Wikipedia.com or other general information websites.
Also, if you are absent during homework time, you must demand to see what she has done immediately when you return and no TV or computer or whatever until work is completed.
School work is a child's first priority (their "job" so to speak)and parents must maintain that attitude in order for them to get the idea that education is important.

Hi D., I read through some of the answers and I really liked Beth's answer. Just knowing she is ADD you know you cannot leave her alone and expect her to do what she dearly does not like to do. Being said that either get her a sitter and something she would look forward to and giver her the ultimateam <sp you can have it if you work for it and if you don't want to work for it you can't have it.
PS I am ill at present so this may not make much sense. sorry

You are the parent and you are right to be concerned. I disagree with the mom who said let the school deal with it if the child isn't asking for help from parents. As parents, we take ultimate responsibility for our kids, and if things aren't going smoothly, we are still obligated to see that the child is doing what he/she is supposed to be doing inside and outside of school.

Get to the heart of the problem. I would not do the reward thing without first having calm, undertsanding discussions of what the issue is. Rewarding might help at this particular time, but may not have lasting effects on future behavior. Is she not motivated? Is it hard? Too easy to bother doing? Distracted by computer/texting/ipod?

If my child was blowing off homework, I would ask her teachers if she is paying attention in class. If she is, maybe she thinks the homework is too hard and doesn't have the confidence to do it right. Or, maybe she knows how to do it but isn't motivated to do the work. If she is NOT paying attention in class, that could be the underlying problem. She might have no idea how to do the homework if she hasn't been listening in class. Does she get enough sleep? She could be sleepy. Or even distracted by a boy, or passing notes with friends.

Good luck. Take responsibility and show your child that it is an important issue that you both need to calmly discuss and solve TOGETHER.