I have a few concerns about how to prepare my son for his future and I know as his parent that is my job. SO I am asking other mothers that may have experienced these situations to share what worked for them. My son is 13, in 8th grade and I am trying to delegate more responsibility his way with high school and college coming our way.
My son is a hard sleeper. He requires me to physically wake him up for school. I would like him to wake up on his own. I have tried different alarm clocks, sounds and nothing seems to wake him up, not even my husband vacuuming in the room will wake him. He goes to bed a decent hour and I just need to know how can I transition him to waking up on his own?
He is diagnosed with ADHD and school / learning is difficult. He is successful with lots of support and resources from his parents and teachers but it is difficult. I have a fear that he will obtain a job and drop out of school at some point, either in high school or college and I don't want that for him. He has dreams of being in the field of computer programming, engineer, graphic designer and such that each take a college education. What can I do to enforce the importance of staying in school? Because I think it will teach him to not let his ADHD direct his life, show him that he is in control and with hard work he can achieve his dreams whatever they may be.
Thanks for the input.
Thanks for all the advice. I certainly do not mind waking my son up, in fact I appreciate he still needs me for something because he is growing up and more independent everyday. I was just thinking farther ahead into the future and got a little worried and ahead of myself thinking about how he may function in college. So for now, I'm in agreement to not fight this battle but in talking with him, he wants more responsibility so we decided to start giving him some more responsibility and he has to wake himself up one day a week. I like this compromise. He is now on medication for his ADHD and I think he will be just fine. He only takes it on school days but I notice on weekends he is starting to be able to learn to recognize when he is going 400mph as he puts it. This tells me he knows when he is too hyper. Recognizing it is the first step in my book so I am proud. We will work together to teach him coping skills and corrective behaviors over time but for now, we are in a really great place :)
Is it dark in his room when he has to wake up? Especially this time of year? Try an alarm clock with a sunrise simulator in it. Or just put a lamp in his room on a timer and have it come on before he has to wake up. Light cues the brain to start coming out of sleep.
They make alarm clocks where you can record your voice. I'd ask him to pick one he likes and record either himself speaking or one of you. It may wake him more easily than a regular noise.
Rather than fear he will drop out, discuss with him his dreams and goals and help him plan to get there.
Good for you!
How does HE feel about the amount work and responsibility it will take to get into college and to complete the degree?
The reason I ask, my husband is ADHD...
He was finally able to figure out his own way to wake up.. I made I this HIS. responsibility...
He sounds just like my husband.. He never seemed to do his homework...he didn't feel like he needed the busy work..you see he could pass the tests without the homework.. He could do the work in his head.. Writing it down took too long.. But because they needed to see his work..his grades were low..
Writing papers were torture.. His mind was way faster than pens.. If he could have typed them..he would ave flown through his language arts classes... He can spell almost any word..no spell check needed..
He is an audio learner. , so books on cd are great for him, even though he loves reading.. Lectures were great.. But the studying notes. Was really difficult.. Again, if someone could have read his notes to him.... He would have done great..
Back when he was in college, computers were coming out for public use... And he loved it.. He totally caught on... He was studying RTV in college, got a job at a television station.. At one point he repaired a studio camera that even the engineers could not repair!
They then needed a full time employee.. He applied and was accepted, even though most people had degrees.. And so he quit college.. Worked there for 20 years.. Also worked on movies,commercials, learned to build sets, wrote copy...he did all sorts of things..
But never went back to college.. He just did not and could not stand the sitting, and studying..
His regrets? If he had the degree, he would have been paid more, but it was his determination,his intelligence, is inter personal skills and his natural ability to work fast and solve almost every problem thrown at him..
I think I helped him by asking him, "how can you solve this?" Then I would write it Dan and guide him on the small steps to get there.. I also taught him to make his own lists...
Technology came along at the right times.. Digital watches with multiple alarms.. Computers with calendars.. Now his cell phone and iPad.. All keep him on task..
His parents still have a hard time understanding his choices....but he is a success in my eyes..
So help him learn to solve these obstacles .. There s more than one way to do things..
13 is a hard age for a boy under the best of circumstances. It's a very awkward time for them.
Please keep in mind that many teens go through a phase of requiring a lot more sleep than usual. I wouldn't equate not waking himself in the morning with being a drop out later on in life. AND, for heaven's sakes, he's only 13.
He will likely change his mind many times over about the career path he wants to explore.
I know you love him, have concerns for him, and want the best for him, but you're worrying about adult things when he's still just trying to be a kid.
Keep praising him for his successes.
Don't set him up for failure with your fears that he's just going to "drop out" of things.
So....things don't always come easily to him. He's not alone in that, by any means. I believe that everyone has gift. There are things that he's probably better at than others. Take things in small doses.
For now, just continue to work on him trying to wake himself in the morning, without anger. Let go of envisioning him as a lost soul living on Skid Row somewhere.
He's a 13 year old boy who is hard to wake up in the morning. Trust me, when he's grown and gone, happily on his own, you will treasure even these moments.
Best wishes.
I have to say that many ADHD kids CAN'T sleep. Your son is lucky that he doesn't have that problem. It's a lot healthier for him.
Sometimes we have to account for our own personal difficulties, even if it means that we get help. In your son's case, it means that someone helps him get out of the bed and get his day started. You both have a lot of time before he finishes high school. Continue to get him up in the morning. He is only 13. He is still very young. It's nice that you want him to be successful, but don't jump the gun in worrying about him so much right now.
If your son's school has AVID, see if you can get him enrolled in it early on. (Google AVID, read about it, and then talk to your school. You have to sign up for it now in order to get in for next year.) There ARE colleges that help ADHD kids. They are expensive, but at least they are an option. You may be surprised that when your son is a senior in high school, that he has grown up a lot from when he was this age.
Dawn
I can't assist you with the ADHD portion of your question. But I have a 14 yr old 9th grade son whom I still wake up for school every school day. It is the nature of a teen (their sleep cycle/biorhythms are different as a teen--really, they are), and especially one who has always been a deep sleeper.
He will set his alarm, he just doesn't hear it.
I have to go in on average, 3 times, before he is actually really "awake". This morning I went in and had a conversation with him (well mostly I was talking, but he did respond verbally to several prompts) then went back 3 minutes later and he was asleep. So I woke him up again and said "get up and get your shower." He said, ok, ok, I'm up... began sitting up in bed as I left the room. 10 minutes later, I went back and called from the hallway to him "Get UP and get your shower, you now have 18 minutes until time to leave." and he was startled and jumped out of bed apologizing all over himself for falling back asleep.
It isn't his fault. I was the same way. (Still am, truth be told, some days). And he goes to bed, usually, by 9:00 pm. HE goes to bed.. he comes to me and says "I'm going to bed now."
I turn on hall lights. I physically touch him (grab his foot or shake his leg through the covers). I talk to him. He sets alarms. He just is not "awake" for a few minutes. It takes him a few minutes.
One day, when he is grown and on his own, he will figure out what works for him. I did. Part of it is the total awareness that there IS. NO. BACK-UP plan.
I know many moms here, advocate doing that now. So you don't have to keep going to wake him up. If I couldn't go back in and wake him up, or I weren't here in the mornings to do so, then sure... but in our home, I CAN, so I don't have a problem with it. He will only be here for a few years more, and then I will miss these mornings. :( He will eventually "man up" to mornings just like everything else as he matures. He is not being raised to expect us to take care of him forever. He is learning to be responsible for himself. And yes, this is one thing he will learn to be responsible for himself, for also. But it is a small thing, and I don't mind when he is doing so many other things for himself. He is very responsible around the house with his chores and such, taking what he needs to school, studying for quizzes, etc. And those are big steps---that he also struggled with for a long time. But it is coming together. So I don't begrudge him the "first thing in the morning comatose wake-ups".
I remember a friend of mine at that age who also had a heck of a hard time getting up. He had several alarm clocks ( by several I mean more than 6), the combined sound of them would get him, and the rest of the neighborhood up.
They've also got newfangled alarm clocks which vibrate your bed, run away and roll around on the floor and make you chase them.
But apart from the technological fix of more and louder alarm clocks, maybe there needs to be some responsibility built in to this. Practice over the weekend, tell him its his job to get himself up.
Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.
I have 2 sons.
My older son slipped out thru every crack/crevice at the H.S., even the janitor's access. We were down to the last 24 hours of his senior year before it was confirmed that he'd walk with his class. Pheeew. We used to tell him that if he put as much effort into succeeding....as he did with failing.....then he'd be an awesome adult. He couldn't care less....he was on a downward spiral & had to hit rock bottom before he could rise again. He graduated....that's all I can say. :) On the other hand, from age 6 on, he battled a degenerative hip disease & allowed it to color his world no matter how much we tried to direct him into a better life. Children with physical &/or developmental issues sometimes have to fight hard for their place in life.
With our 16yo son, life has always been happier. His personality & temperament is simply an asset. He is untreated ADD, & we made that call based on his mental health + academic progress. He is a joiner, & has always been so. Thru his entire childhood, he participated in Scouts & sports. He is on the track team, working toward Eagle Scout, & is in both Band/StuCo. He enjoys working with others....& all of this stems from his contentment with others & himself. Something which our older son has never had.
So, based on both of my sons, here's my thoughts: get him involved in something he enjoys. & if he doesn't have any interests, then please find an outlet for him! He needs as much self-confidence & self-esteem as he can develop to make it thru the next few years.
Another thought would be to develop a viable relationship with the school counselor. Let the counselors do their designated job/responsibility of helping your son work toward a future. My older son wanted to do graphic design until it became mainstream thru easily-accessible computer programs. Then he switched over to engineering mgt....but found that sitting in a lecture hall (for college) killed his hip. He's working at a semi-decent job (gets to travel & is learning Business), but I wish he'd return to school. :)
My younger son, on the other hand, participated in a Young Eagles free flight program....& caught the Pilot Bug. He's decided he wants to be a commercial pilot with military experience to back it up. (sigh....having a 1st cousin in the Navy has a lot to do with the military end of it.) Anyway, when school found out about this interest, the Math chair assessed him & placed him on a fast track to get as much math (& science) in before graduation. I am so thankful that this team is helping my son! & thru a classmate, my son has hooked up with the Civil Air Patrol & will join as soon as his Eagle Scout duties are complete. Woohoo....
Sooo, by working with your son's personality/temperament + using what resources are available....hopefully everything will work for the best! & don't forget positive experiences thru church....youth groups rock!
As a parent of an ADHD boy I would just like to applaud your efforts. You're a good Mama! :)
I wonder if Shaun White's mom yelled at him to do his homework while he was out skateboarding, and if you did not know he won the gold medal in the Oympic snow boarding. About your son: First of all he is 13, and you have time to figure out how to get him up. I like the lamp on a timer idea. Secondly, perhaps a vocational technical school might be a solution for him: hands on work in a technical field without all the memorizing and writing. Finally, be careful not to put your expectations/bias on him - my dad insisted that I go to engineering school and I did well, but it took many years to move my career in a direction that is "me"(and it is not engineering). There is a book about ADHD that describes the difference between ADD and non-ADD as "hunters and farmers". The hunters had to constantly scan the horizon for danger and be able to react quickly, while the farmer can do the same boring thing over and over. And regarding ADD - who wants to be told they have a "deficit" (although we all do in some area). My daughter used to call it Awesome Daydreaming Delights.
http://www.thomhartmann.com/articles/2007/11/thom-hartman...
My kids have always both been hard sleepers (17 & 15 now). I agreed to doing away with a scheduled bed time several years ago as long as they get themselves up in the morning, otherwise I set it. My son now almost always even wakes up before his alarm.
Keep talking to him about your expectations of school and continue to encourage him to work hard.
No suggestions on the sleep things, sorry.
On dropout prevention, I think you can help a lot by finding him mentors and role models. If he's interested in computers and technology, can you sign him up for an after-school program, or even a community college class? I have a friend who teaches video game design at a local community college. His classes are insanely popular, and they're great for kids who aren't otherwise inclined to academic success. You might look for something like that for your son.
I think you have a lot of good responses. Just wanted to chime in that my oldest son (14, 9th grade) has ADHD. I wake him up every morning (usually 3 times) and will continue to do so as long as he needs me to. His doctor said to not worry about it and that when he's older and has to get up on his own, he'll figure it out. But for now, cross this one on your list. There's enough to fight our kids on...being their alarm clock isn't a battle worth fighting.
One of the best things I did for my youngest son was take him to visit colleges with my oldest son. They gave talks about the importance of grades. The colleges in TX have to take the top 10 percent. It motivated him to be there. Schedule a tour or two on spring break!
I woke my son up till this last semester of HS. I now will let him fail to get up. He hasn't missed since.
When my son was his age he hit a growth spurt. He grew 10-12 inches in 8th grade. If you remember when they are babies they eat like a lumberjack and sleep like the dead when they are growing. So this extra deep sleep may be due to the fact that he is hitting his big growth spurt. Even now at 21 he is still a deep sleeper and always wakes up grumpy. The one thing he does wake up to is his phone. If you have a landline in your home try putting a phone in his room and calling it when it's time for him to get up.
As far as his learning disability goes, look up famous people who had learning disabilities and went on to do incredible things. Leonardo Di Vinci and Albert Einstein were both dyslexic. As is Whoppi Goldberg, Jay Leno, Tom Cruise, Henry Winkler, who has a Master's Degree from Yale.
Donald Trump, Bill Gates and Dan Ackroyd all have Aspberger's and Ackroyd also has Tourette's.
In many cases dyslexia and ADD or ADHD go hand in hand. It is frustrating to have a learning disability because your brain is wired differently and you learn differently. I am dyslexic and I know I process info differently than most people. For instance GPS thingys in cars are to me just mumbling annoyances. My daugher has tried to use hers to help me find a place and she is with me. I just mapquest it and print out the directions and read as I go or look it up on a paper map. The GPS talking at me constantly makes me want to toss it out the window. I also find mapquest easier to use than googlemaps. It's just how my brain works.
Back in the'80s I went to UW-Oshkosh and had a very dyslexic friend. He introduced me to Dr. Nash who ran the program for the learning disabled students at UW-O. At the time Dr. Nash was the formost authority on Dyslexia in Wisconsin and he had a wonderful program set up for students. So when the time comes to start looking for colleges for your son, probably his freshman year, ask about on campus programs for the learning disabled. What do they have? How well is it received by all teachers? How extensive is the program? ect
Your son needs to find a school that will have a program he needs AND know the processes to teach him that program.
I'm curious if you and he have considered the military and the hands-on training he could acquire. Although I have no idea how being ADHD works in the military, that may be important for you to research. Just a thought.
My husband (not ADHD) really needs to enjoy what he's learning in order to do well. He barely managed to get his AA before rejoining the military where he has had tremendous success.
As a college graduate, I used to believe that everyone needed college, but he truly changed my perspective. It's just not for everyone.
Does he take meds for his ADHD? Would that make him sleepier than normal?
Then, per computer programming etc, he can start NOW.
Many of the tech guys/girls, while still in school, do their own projects or programming and/or joining clubs either in school or outside of school taking classes.
He can do that, NOW. And then, that will HELP him, get into college etc., because it will show that he HAS had experience and some background in it, even if at a rudimentary level, and it will show that he has... self-initiative.
My Husband is in the tech field. And let me tell you...those guys/gals... are always programming, at home, at work, for fun. Even on the side. And they teach themselves and/or take classes for fun etc.
My kids... are 6 and 10 years old. And my Husband... TAUGHT THEM PROGRAMMING. And they even did some simple, programs. And they loved it. I saw them do it and they were so excited... to be "programming" just like Daddy.
So if my kids can do it, your son can too.
He does NOT have to wait... until college to learn it and do it.
Many... Tech people, are doing it already, no matter what age, at home or via fun classes they sign up for, or studying it via online sites and fooling around with it, at home. That is how, they learn. And the tech field is always... changing. It is not, finite.
My kids in elementary school, have computer class.
Your son can do this, already.
Tell him that... maybe it will give him... incentive.
And also, to be good at it, you need to go to school. A college degree... will enable you to get better jobs.
Because, many of the jobs, have job requirements. Which is a certain level of a University degree. And, by having that degree... it brings you a level of prestige... to the role of a Programmer etc.
Before my Husband got his computer degree, he did not get the better jobs, he wanted. Even if he had, experience.
Sure, sometimes you don't need that degree. Or may never use it.
But, in certain fields, you do need a certain degree level, even at the entry level positions.
And if your son is some programming genius, well he can probably make his way without school. And be his own boss.
But some very successful people who had no education, go back to finish, school. It is a personal endeavor and accomplishment, at that point.
ADHD or not, it is up to him... to make his way.
He can be static and finite, and a rock under a shadow of his ADHD.
Or, he can... be accomplished, despite.
I had a Boss with ADHD. He was so great. Successful. Had numerous high level degrees. Very accomplished.
And always helping others. Because he knew how he struggled, but STILL... succeeded. Despite his label.
Does your son, do anything now... that is of computer programming?
Does he have, a computer at home, for him to use, to do programming and fool around with programming.
If not, maybe get him one. And that might give him an incentive?
"Thinking" of being a Programmer is one thing. But he needs to actually do it. And see if, he likes it.
My Husband has a computer that he uses, JUST for programming/experimenting. He's got his own "lab."
This is at home.
what if he goes to sleep sooner? Once he gets enough rest he will wake up. If he goes to sleep on the weekends say 10 what time does he wake up on the weekends 9? just naturally on his own figure out how much sleep he needs and send him to bed to wake naturally. Hope this helps. Most ppl wont sleep till 3pm or anything crazy they will eventually wake up on there own.
Is he tired during the day? Insufficient sleep will make learning much more difficult. If moving his bed time earlier doesn't help, talk to you doctor and see if a sleep study isn't in order.
Honestly, you should consider looking at community college two-year technical programs. They tend to have more hands on learning and he will likely be able to find a job when he completes the program (our college has digital media/design and computer programming). He will need to work hard in high school so that he does not end up assessing at a basic skills level in math or English, but perhaps if you investigate these tech programs now, that will inspire him to do the hard work of succeeding in high school. If he finds he wants to go to a university after two years of college, then he will be on his way and well-prepared. If not, he will have a better chance of getting a job. BTW, community college faculty tend to be very well informed about dealing with students with ADHD so his educational experiences at a community college will likely be more pleasant that going straight to a university.
