11 Year Old Boy Misbehaving/attitude Problems

Hi K., I also have an 11 year old Son who is acting very similiar to your Son. I believe it is a phase as he is approaching puberty. I asked my Daughter who just became a Registered Nurse about my Son's mood swings and scarcasm when I ask him a simple question and she said that it might get worse before it gets better, because he is making that transition from childhood to teenagehood. I really do believe that your Son, as he reaches puberty (teenager) that he is going through a stage in his life. And we thought the "terrible twos" were bad LOL LOL. It seems like you are consistent in your discipline, however and that is good. Good Luck K.. Have A Wonderful Day.

Have you talked to your pediatrician? My 13 year old daughter seems to shape up when I keep her from her friends. Also- they do care-even when they say the don't. Try giving him more one on one attention. He could be competing with the other children in the household for attention.

K.,
My step-son went through the same thing when he was about 14 - congrats on your son being ahead of the game:) Your mom is right, it is a phase.
I remember sitting my step-son down and talking to him about his behavior - he thought it was funny. I showed a lot of emotion and told him that he basically had 4 parents who worked very hard day in and day out to give him the life that he has. I was very tempted to make him volunteer at a homeless shelter, but knew that wouldn't fly with the other parents.
He will be 18 in a few weeks and I could not ask for a better kid. He has learned the value of a dollar and works hard and is finishing up high school. He's heading off to college in the fall. He still jokes around a bit here and there, but I have learned to take it in stride and if I get mad, he knows he has crossed a line. I do remember that once he got interested in girls, his attitude started to change.
I did take away computers, games,tv, phones - all the good stuff. It had a minimal effect, but I still think there needs to be consequences to all actions, otherwise they will never learn.
Good luck and God bless - 4 kids!! (I am from Maryland too!)
K.

Having a misbehaving child is tough. A technique I learned from a friend when her 3 year old was having a BAD attitude is to make them "hold up the wall". Length of time depends on the childs age, your son is 11 so for 11 minutes. When they "hold up the wall", the child looks like they are going to do a push up standing up. Hands and feet apart just like a push up and I always make a mark on the wall where my daughter has to look. Everytime my daughter gets and bad attitude I make her "hold up the wall". Eleven minutes of standing there like that really makes her rethink her attitude. The nice part about this idea is you are not hitting your child but you are disciplining, which he needs. Plus you are not grounding him and I don't like to ground because it takes from the whole family not just the child. When you ground him, you are also grounding your husband or yourself. It is a phase, but some children take longer to get through then others. Try this idea out, it is also a form of punishment our mom can use with him if his attitude acts back up with her. Hopw it helps for you like it did for me.

S. M.

Negative attention is just as good as positive attention to a kid. So, I recommend you need to withdraw all attention to this matter. When he does it, simply say, "That's enough" and if he back talks and continues send him to his room. Remove all things fun from his room and have him sit on his bed. Do not lecture, do not increase tension, do not threaten. Have the same consequence for the behavior, every time. Tell him he can come out when he is done being rude. If he does it in the store, out of the house, simply take him home (yes, you will have to disrupt your activity for a bit) and put him in his room. Rude boys are confined to their rooms. Period.

(or come up with your own version of a non-negotiable punishment that does not affect you too severely, but does not increase his behavior by overly punishing and overly stimulating the situation.)

Arguing, bargaining and giving Grandma ANY say in the matter is going to do nothing but increase your son's anger and intensify the behavior. Grandma needs to hold her grandson in high regard and not get involved in situations that do not involve her. Grandma really needs to reevaluate her role, as she has the opportunity to love her Grandson unconditionally and should be a support to him. He should want to go there and escape his behaviors, and if she plays her cards right, his visit to her will be delightful.

If she has an issue with him at her home, then she needs to handle the situation, not you while he is in her care. Otherwise, if everyone gangs up on him and if he is forced to go to church and face father, forced to deal with Grandma, etc. he's just going to lash out. The more "disappointed" adults are with children, the more they lash out. The cycle you have described, with you involving every adult you can to support you as right, only makes your authority with your son less. STOP using the church, as that backfires with this age group every single time and will turn your son against his religion which he will need in his future.

Rude comments are unacceptable to you and make him look bad and will very much affect his future with a wife/girlfriend and are a stepping stone to other disrespectful behaviors. You are his mother and you are in the right to stop his behavior. You do not need the support of others to do what is right for your son, just do it. Do not ignore the behavior, but do not give the behavior so much attention that you encourage it without meaning too.

Hi K.,

I feel for you and for your son who is the oldest of four.

At the transition age of 11 a good MALE role model is
really important. If you do not have one please
find one. Mommy and Grandma are for babies.

I do know that children absorb everything they hear and see.
Your oldest son is his younger siblings role model.

What is very very clear
is he wants to be understood and to identify.
We all do.

If you have cable television and video games.
Are their any shows that have been exposed to him?

Garbage IN equals Garbage OUT. Now is not time to second
guess and to take adult responsibility.
If you have paid cable t.v. please cancle this service.
Not in anger. In love with your childrens brain cells.
If you have video games are they PG? There is so so so much
out side influence on our childrens minds.

Anyhow at the age of 11 he is transforming and it is a signal for you to step it up and allow him to grow in a positive manner. Does he have a male mentor? Now is a good time to
talk to this person and do some intercessing.

Much love
C.
I am the oldest of 5 and have Four Baby Brothers.

http://www.lose7-15lbs-9days.com

Whew! Bless your heart! Sounds like he loves having you over a barrel! HAve you ever looked at "LOve and Logic" products? They have a website, loveandlogic.com. They have been soooo helpful to me, and I enjoy getting their cd's and listening to them in the car. Even the kids can listen, so they know what they're "up against". All can say is, that boy knows he's in control. You'll have to switch that around if he's going to grow up healthy.

K., I have an 11 year old nephew who went through a mild version of what you are describing - and as we have a lot of interaction with him we were part of trying to find out the real issue. Here is what we discovered: yes - part of it is the age - but what we really found out was that he was having trouble letting go of being a little kid with all of the perks that involves. As a little kid he was given a lot of direction, daily scheduling, and a lot of encouragement for even small accomplishments. As an 11 year old he was caught in the "I am a big kid" trap - rebelling against too many rules, yet missing the special things - like being tucked in at night, unexpected hugs and praise. We helped my sister and brother in law come up with a schedule and set of rules that everyone could live with and that he had some say in. I would say that the biggest thing that we as a family did was start to ask his opinion, involve him, and let him know that although we have high expectations of his behavior and that he can't be rude and must respect others (and there are set consequences for bad behavior) - we made it clear that now and for always he will be a part of a family, a community and that while that can be a struggle - it has many, many benefits. Now - he does still get in trouble occasionally - and the other day when he was over at our house and gave me some attitude, I turned to him and asked him if he had had a bad day or he just felt like being snotty! It stopped him in his tracks and he admitted that he was having a bad day - we talked about it and got it figured out. He still lost 30 minutes of video time - but this time when he said he didn't care - it was because we spent that 30 minutes together instead. Reading this over it sounds a bit pollyanna - but it really did work! He and my six year old son are now great friends (the older cousin has become a terrifc mentor), and when he has sleep overs at our house i insist on tucking them both in and giving him some of that special kid attention that he still needs. He is a great kid and I must say - we don't miss the annoying shoulder shrug!

I have an 11 year old son, soon to be 12 next month, and I know what you are talking about. He always was a sweet, loving and funny kid, then he started changing. Forgetting that I was his mom and I deserved respect was my bottom line. I was at my end with him as well. I had tried the same things as you. I would talk and talk to him trying to get him to open up and nothing was successful. Finally I decided to take him to counseling. If he wasn't going to talk to me, he was going to talk to someone who could offer him some skills. Turns out he was getting picked on at school and he didn't want me to know. He didn't want me calling the school to talk to the principle and possible making the situation worse. He was mad at me also because I didn't 'see' this happening at school. How could I? I don't attend middle school! lol He was also having some problems because his biological father resurfaced after seven years. Not having consistant communication, not following through when he made promises, hate to say it but I guess this is 'normal' more than it is not. He is still in counseling, we haven't been going long, but it's doing wonders for him. It's not for everyone. Some people attach stigmas with counseling. There is no medication involved for my son. I don't feel he needs it. He needs some skills and tools for expressing himself in a productive manner and that's why I sent him. Hope this was helpful to you.

I took a parenting class that uses the book "Systematic Training for Effective Parenting" (S.T.E.P.)
You can order it on Amazon.com....It teaches parents how to teach children to take responsibility for their actions and empowers them to make good decisions.

I raised 3 children and now have 5 grandchildren ages13, 3, 22mos, 20mos, 7mos.

I also have a Shaklee nutrition business which I believe helps children get their needed supplements and uses non-toxic cleaners in the home which help with allergies, attitudes ect. My website is: www.shaklee.net/powerofhealth

Shaklee has been featured on Oprah 4 times this year.
Good luck with your kids...You sound like a wonderful caring mom.
A.