10 Yr Old Being Mean

I'm a retired school teacher, and I've seen a lot of "mean" kids. Few of them are acting out of sheer mean-ness; if you get my meaning. Most have some kind of baggage. I think that it may be beyond the parenting skills -- and into the realm of needing some professional help. There is a lot of space between him and his younger sibs; there may be some anger, displacement, -- a laundry list of things that he can't wrap his head around, and so it is coming out in these mean displays. A hurting person is very motivated to make somebody, anybody, feel worse than they do themselves. Encourage him to talk about what his deep feelings are, and reassure him that no matter what they are, you will love him anyway. Remember -- until 2 years ago -- he was king of the castle. Good luck.

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I don't think you've failed him at all, but I would guess that you would describe your son as socially immature - am I right? This isn't a failing on your part. A lot of kids (especially boys) don't know how to act in social settings. That your son has lost two friends AND called your niece "fat" makes me think that he's just a knuckle-head when it comes to interpersonal interactions.

I read a book when I was taking psychology classes in college called "Emotional Intelligence." (Actually, one entire class was based on this book . . . it's outstanding and is only one of less than half a dozen from my college days that I still own!) I'd strongly recommend that you pick up a copy (amazon.com probably has used ones at cheap prices), because it gives excellent tips on helping your child develop social skills.

I'd also enroll him in karate. Every karate instructor I've ever met emphasizes courtesy and respect (for self and for others).

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I think everyone is on the right track. I would definitely consider spending more alone time with just him and not his siblings. We had our second child when my son was nine and it was quite and adjustment for him. Plus, at that age they are going through a lot of changes at school with peers. And someone below hit the nail on the head - he might be either being bullied at school or watching other kids do it. That is where he is picking it up most likely. When you spend your mother son time with just him, you can try to see if he opens up. Good luck!!!

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Dear K.,

There was an experiment done with a class room of children several years ago where the brown haired children were put down in many ways by the blond haired and then it was reversed and the children experienced how it was to be berated. I am shortening this up but it was so effective and I am thinking you could do a bit of this role playing. It will be hard but might work.

Have your son sit down with a tablet and paper and you and your husband tell him mean things and have him write down how he feels. Then reverse it and tell him wonderful things about himself - lots- and have him write down how he felt.

Each morning have him say positive things about himself and his friends before he leaves for school. Have you read the book "I'm OK, You're OK"? He may not feel OK about himself.

Hope this helps. Lovingly, M. S

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I'm wondering if this has anything to do with his new siblings.... I know that if your son was 5 it would be an obvious place to go, but since he's 10 maybe you/the world expects him to be bigger/better than sibling jealousy. Also, there is a concept called the 'nine year change' i think rudolph steiner came up with it, or at least i have heard of it around waldorf schools. it is a particularly difficult time for children. perhaps rather than trying to fix him, focusing on spending time with just him, doing special things of his choice together, even an extended weekender with one parent, giving him time--not with a purpose of changing anything, just time. showing him kindness. we know that unkindness directed at others usually means unkindness towards ourselves--it must be true for him, too. alfie kohn in 'unconditional parenting' says that rather than 'teaching kids a lesson' by providing 'consequences' when they behave in ways that are counter to what we would prefer, give them more love instead of less.

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K.,
Wow! You have had some really great thoughts on this. What I've read from everyone else:
1. Make time with your son for one on one
2. consequences for "bad" or negitive behavior
3. Family first -no matter what
4. Maybe some jealousy going on toward the other siblings
5. Maybe some bullying or mistreatment from others

These I would trend to agree with. We have two boys 4years and 8 months apart. The day we brought our youngest home the older started chewing on these like his shirt sleeves, hoodie strings or just rendom plasic pieces like lego. He to this day talks about how he "hates" our younger son. He comes up with all kinds of reasons/excuses. I also was very sick during and after our youngests pregnancy. I believe he think the baby made his "mommy" sick.

Sometimes boys tend to try to be "cool" or "tough" because of a role model or peer. Then there is always society these days are always making the boys think thy have to be tough to be a boy. It's not easy to change such a huge influence. I believe the only way is to have a great bond with your child. to get the great bond you need to have alone project or activites time with the child(without the other children).

I hope things work out. Good Luck

Lauri

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Your 10 yr old is looking for attention, and even bad attention is time spent with him. You have a toddler and an infant and I'm willing to bet you're extremely busy taking care of their needs and your eldest is on auto pilot for many of his needs. It's okay, it's just he's feeling a little left out. Set consequences and follow thru with them for his unacceptable behavior and language towards others, but take notice of the good works and words that he exhibits. Take, no make the time to give him some one on one, either you or your husband, but time not shared with his younger siblings. It doesn't have to be 'special' but it should be his time. I've always taken time to spend with each of my kids away from the others. I remember one of the trips I took with my youngest was to a conference in Disney World. I had gone there 2 yrs previous and it was the loneliest place on earth, so I took my youngest and even though we had a great time together, it was totally awesome, he told me it would have been better if his older sister and brother were there to share it with. So, give your son his time. His attitude and behavior towards others will change dramatically.

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I know this might sound out of the blue, but is your son being bullied at school or in your community? I just ask because some children who begin to act in a hostile manner toward others are actually being treated that way by someone else, and that aggression may be a child's way of having control of a situation. It's worth asking a his teacher to be on the lookout at recess, when many classes are "turned loose" and minimally supervised.

Does he have an antagonistic or stressed relationship with a caregiver or another adult in his life?

The other thing I would strongly suggest is getting him into some counseling, now. Not when he starts to hurt or hit, but right away. Talk to your pediatrician and, if you feel comfortable, the school counselor, about referrals in your area. Many counselors offer a sliding scale fee, if need be. I often hear people complain of the price of counseling, but the price on your child to be suffering through life is much, much higher. Counselors can also help distinguish if there is an unknown factor in your son's acting out.

My best hopes for you and your family.

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It sounds like he is angry. And from experience it may be because you have 2 younger children and he was the only child for so long. Try giving him more one on one time. that may help if it does not talk with the school counselor.

Give yourself a pat on the back for being a good mom. 9-10 yr olds don't quite get empathy yet nor do adults at times. First teach him empathy by showing him some how. Maybe say, do you feel frustrated that mommy has to spend a lot of time with sis/brother? I will play ________ with you today. I love you. Or what is applicable. Hang in there. By allowing him to make these mistakes now he's getting natural consequences. Plus, you teach him positive alternatives and reinforcement. I love catching my 19 mos. old doing it the right ways and patting him on his back for his effort or hard work. Plus, choices for kids that you can tolerate. Have a nice weekend.

Have you considered moving from talking to disciplinary tactics -- maybe removing privileges or requiring extra work at home when you catch him being mean? It seems like the natural consequences of his meanness aren't counterbalancing his reasons for being mean. It might be time to up the ante and show him that not only are his words harmful, they are unacceptable. Don't worry about damaging his self-esteem or independence. As long as you are respectful, reasonable, and consistent, he should be fine.

Hello,

I have a 10 year old myself and a 6 year old and two grown kids. Maybe your son is feeling a bit troubled because he has two very young sibilings that must be taking up a lot of his mom and dad's time. It is hard to balance time for each child. A 10 year old has different needs and wants than small children, as you know. I don't know if you and your husband have extra time or a day a week to take just your son out. Time spent without his siblings to do something fun just for him. Maybe it would help and it certainly couldn't hurt. Sometimes hurting people hurt people and lash out with sarcastic words or seem a bit angry. Sometimes they just don't feel like being nice to other people if their emotional needs are a bit short. We all have different things that help make us feel special. Maybe his needs are time?
Blessings to you and your family!
K.

I would point out situations when he appears mean and ask him if he could handle the situation in a different way. Ten is old enough to understand he is being inappropriate.

Oh boy, this is a tough one. My two older kids started getting sassy at the age of 9 thru age 10, then changed. Now my son who is 13 is sassy once again. URGH! Although, my kids have never been mean to another person, other than to eachother. Could it be possible that your son is acting out because he has been teased or picked on at school? Do you know his friends? Is there a child at school or else where that he is modeling after? I'm sure it's just a phase, maybe when he realizes that he does not have his friends, he will change. I know not everyone goes to church but I think my kids have learned a lot about love and respect for others at church, along with at home.
Good luck to you
D.

Good morning K.,

I think what you're seeing in him is lashing out for attention due to his younger siblings.I would have to ask if he doesn't show much respect to you and your husband. If not, I would look into counsling. Either one one or group parenting. You also need to set boundrys to make him understand that this is not ok. Talks are great but take aways have much more effect.

I would also try going on outings with just your son. I would also look into getting him involved in school activities or a sports. Since summer is coming, I would look into summer camps. The city that we live in have a lot of weekly sports and activities. Church activities are also something to look into. Does he play video games? If so, I would really put a limit on that.

I have to say that your situation is very simular to what I had to deal with this year with my son. My son best friend was lashing out with rude and mean commits that where very hurtful to my son. He would also say things to other boys one in particular that was much smaller. My son stuck up for the smaller boy and would take down the the boy lashing out. Not hitting...my son a wrestler. This boy would also intentally scare my younger child where she didn't want to be around him. The point is, it got to the point where I no longer allow my son to do any after school activities, such as playdates or group activities.

The interesting thing about this is that he does have a younger sibling and the mother watches a younger child. He's really not involved in a lot of sports which this may sound bias...but I truly feel that teaches team work.

I hope this helps.

2 years equals 24 months...you have a 21 month old son. It sounds like he is feeling displaced. I know others have said it, but I'll say it again and keep it short and simple. Date night. You and your husband can take turns taking him out for some one on one time...out of the house, no distractions. Dinner, ice cream, bookstore...someplace where it is conducive to conversation...at least part of the time.

I also would recommend the book, Power of the Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian. That has made a huge difference in how I parent my kids and in my son when he became a big brother after running the show for 5-1/2 years.

I don't think it has anything to do with not having taught him proper values and empathy. I think the problem lies in his self esteem and his emotions. He is hurting other people because he is hurting. Talk to him and see if you can get him to open up about his feelings. Focus less on letting him know he is disappointing you and that he is mean and causes everyone else to pull away from him and instead work on ways to boost his self esteem. If you want to build empathy in a positive way, volunteer with him in an environment with other people... like building houses with habitat for humanity, or working with underprivileged kids, or in a children's hospital. Ultimately though, try to break through and see what in his life is not right!

A suggestion would be to take him to a children's hospital. For example Emanuel. Call ahead and schedule a gift giving to the kids. Bring gifts to distribute out to the children in the hospital. Have him help shop and package them up. Maybe a little kindness from him and his family to those in need would jump start his caring heart.

You have a 10 yr old that is starting to come into those preteen years of frustration and not really comfortable with what and who he is minus the fact of where he exactly stands in the home matter. He has a two very young siblings and no matter what a Mom and Dad think, there is some jealousy, some special time he is not receiving (according to him) and thus acting out in school. Sometimes in the flurry of everyday we figure "oh he's an older child, he understands that the younger ones need more time." sometimes not......he may be even over scheduled from soccer to debate club to baseball to hockey etc etc....when these older children sometimes need to just be with Mom or Dad on a one to one basis and there is something we have forgotten to teach our children...how to be alone. not lonely....but how to like ourselves long enough to be with ourselves in context with just what we need to discover. every minute need not be taken up...then perhaps with confidence of being himself...and more attention......he will come around.
I have always felt they need you more as a stable wheel in their life after being toddlers.........oh they just need you ...24-7 job. My last one is now graduating from high school.

Hi K.,
I think Jerri W has your answer. This was a child who was the only one for eight years and all of a sudden here comes a new pregnancy. I cannot tell you how many times that has come up in my family. My son is six years older than his brother and at 45 years old is still talking about how he felt. The most important thing that he has ever said is that I didn't care about him. Guess you can take it from there. He also thought that he didn't love his brother so it took him until he was 20 years old to finally realize he loved his brother and they are now best friends. Lot of hurt going on for no reason. I just didn't do the right things. Do whatever it takes to make this right but, of course, you don't have to dwell on it 24-7. In my opinion, you are finding out just in time to take care of this situation. Best wishes. A.

Actually he's NOT entering the teenage years. Something is happening in life that he's not telling you. Try video taping him at various functions, family get togethers, birthday parties or even just a friend coming over. Be sure to put the video camera somewhere he won't notice it. Then show it to him later when you have a talk with him. You may even want to do the same thing at school if they will allow it, if not find out why they won't allow it. My guess is either a bully at school or an adult he trusts doesn't deserve his trust or yours. If nothing else shows a reason, I'd try no tv, no movies, no music of any kind or video games for at least two weeks. Sometimes what kids see or hear or otherwise experience (video games) builds such aggression that they can't deal with it and it has to come out somehow. Good Luck.

I have no experience in this but maybe try counseling. Maybe there is a more deeper reason for his behavior???? Good luck.