Too Much Self Esteem??

C., I came from a a good and loving home but myself and 2 siblings all have horrible self-esteems. Since I have had children, I've been on a mission to try and figure out what went wrong in our upbringing. I have read a lot of books on this and who's to say I'm right. I can say, however, that all of these books are giving me the same advice. By telling someone how great they are all the time actually backfires. They become the person who needs to be told how great they are for the rest of your life (always seeking approval). To create genuine self esteem, he needs to feel proud of himself and accomplished. I once read in a book that a boy won the student of the month award. He came home to tell his family and they all congratulated him and said, "great job, Tim! That's awesome!!" When he told his aunt this (the author of the book) she did not congratulate. Instead, she said something along the lines of, "what did you do to earn that reward?" Tim: "I don't know." Aunt: "Did you turn in your work on time, did you study hard, did you help your teacher?" Tim: "yes, I did all of those things and I also did XY&Z." Aunt: "well, you must be really proud of this accomplishment." End of story. Another thing I am learning is not to say "good job" but rather, "you worked very hard today." Focus on the effort rather than what was done "right." I have really been working at rarely saying "good job" to my son. Lately, he's been taking swim lessons and when he accomplishes something great, I tell him it looks like he worked his hardest (sometimes rewarding him with something small, but not always). Just last week, he got out of the pool (he had really pushed himself that day, I could tell by observing) and HE said, "mom, I worked really hard today, I think I deserve a reward." Now, I'm not sure I'm on the right track here with rewards (probably not). However, the fact that he knows when he has done something well is empowering. Do some online research to find appropriate books to help. Also, try to bring to his attention how others feel when he acts overly confident and what it feels like when people make you feel inferior. I wouldn't expect it to happen quickly. Just be consistent about bringing the behavior you disapprove of to his attention. Then give examples of what would be more appropriate and/or when no comment would have been more appropriate. Parenting, ugh. It's so hard. Sounds like you are doing a great job. Good luck to you.

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Hmm... Definitely need to get him in some activity he's not just brilliant at. sports can be rather humbling. Also, start talking about humility. Truly, each of our gifts are the Lord's and He should get all the glory. If your son hears this from you and your hubby when you are complemented, it will get him thinking and you can work on it from that angle. I have a friend who simply says, "it's all because of Jesus" everytime she receives a compliment. She's very matter-of-fact about it and not surprisingly, she is just the most wonderful person to be around. Just some thoughts. Blessings to you and your boys!

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I would think that the quickest fix for an arrogant attitude would be to learn how to have grace and compassion for others. It's good to be proud of ones accomplishes and to be confident. Pair that confidence with the desire to help others and show love and grace to people, and you will have such a mature son on your hands! For an 8 year old, this probably looks like learning to serve and help others. Is there anything in your area that he can participate in that would allow him that opportunity? Are there any charities he could serve in? At his age, he's old enough to understand the balance between understanding ones own capacity (for anything: physical agility, mental intellect, etc) AND he's old enough to understand that he can use those gifts to bless others.
I had this problem as a teenager: I was too confident and too proud of my abilities.
The thing that knocked me down was spending a summer doing an internship that involved a lot of personal sacrifice and required that I focus my attention outward instead of inward.
It would be great for him to learn these qualities NOW instead of at 19 like I did (after losing friends and struggling to relate to peers because I was a difficult person to relate to!)

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Have you talked to him about manners? Being a "Know it all" is one of the worst behaviors. It is embarrassing for people to witness it and he will not realize this till someone tells him. Remind him he is not the center of anyone's universe. He is a part of it.

Make sure he gets lots of interaction with other kids. They can help him deal with this bad habit.

I am sure you belong to a homeschool group, make sure he is really involved.

Church groups, scouts, group theater, art classes, music lessons, group sports. Send him to stay away camp. These types of things will challenge him. It will also put him in unfamiliar territory. He will also see he is not perfect or the best at everything. Nobody is and he needs to learn that this is ok...

Maybe give him some more challenging activities.. computer games, board games, more advanced books, maybe a slightly more advanced academic subject. If he does not already know these skills, get him a skateboard, basketball, tennis racket, pogo stick, roller blades. If he has to struggle or not make such a great grade, this is a positive thing. He needs to learn this, just like any other subject.

Nothing worse than being in the real world and not knowing how to handle failure, loss, or some loss of confidence if he has not really experienced it.

Teach him that nobody likes a "prig".

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you said it yourself you just dont point out there weaknesses. its time to start. you dont have to be mean about it. just tell him that his attitude isnt apperoperiate. with any bad behavior i would give a verbal warning, second offence send him to his room for time out. and keep warning and sending him to his room. you want to raise you child so others will get along with him and like him. the longer you wait to break this the harder it will be on him as an adult. good luck.

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My son is 7, and is very smart at some things, but not in relating to others. He has been going to an after-school "social skills" group at his school. They teach them things that we would almost take for granted, like how to have a conversation, how to take turns in a game, how to give a compliment. I doubt if you need something this basic, but sometimes my son just needs someone to explain: If you do ____, people will think _______.

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I have a highly gifted 11-year-old boy, and the one thing I have always tried to instill in him is that there are people out there who are just as smart, and that some people who seem very "average" or disabled may be absolutely brilliant in one or more areas. That way I'm, not putting him down, merely pointing out that he is not the only smart person in the world.

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Being a fellow homeschooler with a son who shows similar behavior, we incorporated volunteering for the food bank into our activities. He gets to see life from another perspective and we try to instill gratitude and empathy for others. He's still proud of what he can do, but it does add another opportunity of hands-on experience of how he can contribute outwardly to help others beside himself.

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It is probably just a stage. I taught 4th grade, and many kids were like that. There is nothing wrong with being positive. He will be knocked off his pedestal enough by the realities of life. Encourage empathy and try to talk to him about kindness to others. You could also do things with him like volunteer with underpriveleged children to help with empathy and perspective.

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Maybe get him involved in some kind of volunteer work for the less fortunate. That can be a very rewarding and humbling experience for a child!

Also, you have a heart to heart and talk to him about his attitude and how it makes you and others feel. Good luck!!

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It is probably just part of his personality to want to be the center of attention. This isn't a bad trait, he just needs to learn how to make it socialy acceptable. Tell him that we let our actions speak for us and our words to speak for others.

He is definitely old enough to start talking about appropriate topics of conversation with others. We don't talk to others about how great we are, we let our accomplishments and our attitudes speak for themselves, because they do - much louder than words. We look for traits and accomplishments that we can compliment others on.
We need to teach and focus on recognizing the good in others. When we praise ourselves, it actually has the opposite affect. It is when we praise others, that people have a greater affection and respect for us. But that is not obvious to children and a lot of adults have never learned it either. They have to be taught this and they need to practice it. Then praise and reward this behavior.
Conversely, there needs to be consequences to belittling others or making them feel inferior.

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Wow! You have gotten some great responses. My oldest son is also extremely bright, and academics come very easy to him. When he was in a very small elementary school, he was academically top dog. We have always encouraged our kids to do their best and have given praise for hard work and a good job. It is hard to know if you are at the "right amount of praise" until you see warning signs. When he, on occasion, would put down others, we would have to discuss the inappropriate way he was talking about others.

One thing that really bothered us, is when he participated in something he wasn't very good at, he found someone else to blame for the shortcoming. For example, he is NOT a good runner. When the kids ran in PE, and he did poorly, we heard a lot of blaming: the gym was too hot, my shoes were slipping, or so and so cut me off at the corner....that was really annoying, too, and had to be stopped.

His next school was much larger. That sure made a difference! Now he was with 300 kids in the same grade and a good 40-50 of them were all VERY BRIGHT kids with opportunities, like him. Was that an eye opener! He learned that there were other kids out there who did many things well---and oh my gosh, some kids did even better at some subjects than my son did. He had to learn that from peers, in my opinion. Tough for the parents to teach that one.

I have had my kids read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. 8 is a little young, but my kids at 12 or 13 were required to read it and write me a one page book report. Great book that tells of people who get along with people and succeed, and of those who don't and have to learn the hard way or have difficulty until they "get it." (Maybe everyone should read it. I could probably use a refresher.)

Good luck!

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I would be very careful about "knocking him off his pedestal". As annoying as the bragging is, if you break his spirit, he may never get it back. I really like the suggestions of getting him involved in more challenging activities and teaching him how to help others. I think you might also point out the good qualities and accomplishments of other children so he can see that they are great, too. He needs a mother who thinks he's fantastic, not one who cuts him down to size. These are positive ways for him to learn how he fits into the world.

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Just to add to what others have been saying, I've been reading a book called "Children: the challenge" which talks about how children interpret their individual situations as well as familial relationships between parents, children and siblings. Reading it might offer some insights as to how to help your son. Best of luck.

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I think this is probably normal for your child. I have a daughter who will be in 5th grade this year who is also in GT. For the last two years, her teachers (regular classroom as well as GT) have been telling me repeatedly how much they love her, and one of the things they constantly bring up is the fact that she is gifted but she doesn't 'lord it over' everyone else. So obviously something they see on a regular basis in a large part of the GT student population are kids who are eager to let others know how much better they are at everything, and my daughter just happens to be an exception. I'm not really sure why my daughter is different (perhaps b/c she has an older sister whom she looks up to and admires but who happens to NOT be GT), but I have to think that this is something the majority of the children get over sooner or later, otherwise they'd all grow up friendless! Do you have access to a public school? I wonder if you could arrange a meeting with the GT teacher to discuss ways of addressing this type of behavior in a positive way? I know you are probably constantly worried about 'damaging' your children in the same way that you were damaged as a child (I'm so sorry for all that you have been through!), so talking to a 'pro' about this situation might give you the confidence you need to keep it in perspective and deal with it effectively. Best of luck to you!

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Hi C.,
Put him in school. He needs to be challenged in other ways such as mixing with his peers in an environment which promotes growth socially and academically. He will find out soon enough he will have to earn respect and learn to be a good friend if he wants good friends. He will learn soon enough his attitude will be a huge turn-off to his peers and better for him to learn this now then when he is older. It will force him to be a better person. I hope this helps.

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I'm so glad the other moms have good suggestions about this. I don't know how to correct it; I can only say that my bro who is now 21 has the same issue. He still acts like he is "God's gift" and he knows everything, though he is not gifted in any sense and is generally wrong and will argue even when you prove it. I think it's a personality thing. And I agree- it's very annoying! He & I didn't get along at all for most of his life (I'm 7 years older). At this point, he dropped out of school b/c he already knew it all, his attitude has lost him several jobs and burned the bridges between him & both sides of our family who tried to help him through some rough times. I'm not saying that this is something your son will go through, but something to consider for the long term.

I think it is important for those who are gifted to be able to recognize their own weaknesses and see the gifts in others. Personally, I may be able to do advanced calculus without blinking, but if you ask me to describe my favorite book, I couldn't do it coherently. LOL

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I think I can imagine what you are hearing. I had a childhood (I was the oldest) with mixed messages "you should know better [and be more responsible]" and "you over-stepped [and did too much (not responsible)]".

Since you are home schooling, would you consider giving your child some competition? I'm thinking like an age-appropriate science fair your child can participate in.

I have one other thought. Is there a task around the house your child can try doing, where it would be a little challenging to keep consistent with? Does he wash clothes? Empty the dishwasher? Oh, I don't know. Use your imagination.

You might consider this a phase.

Good luck (staying sane!)

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It is good that you realize it and no it is never too late to fix things or work on them. I pray every year that God will reveal things in my children's character that need work as well as natural talents that need to be encouraged.
First of all it is natural coming from an abusive background to swing the pendulum way the other way but it is a mistake. You should always be looking for that middle ground of normalcy. When you swing way the other way then you are probably creating the exact situation that you were trying to avoid. You are creating your parents in your child. Someone who will be arrogant and tear others down.
This said. You should avoid praising your child for things that they have not worked for, such as their appearance or just their God given talents or abilities. It is OK in certain situations to let them know that they have been given a "gift" of some talent but with that comes responsibility. The things that should be stressed and complimented are character traits and things that the child actually works on. Such as being helpful and kind. As a teacher I brag on children that are helpful to me or others or when they share and help those who are struggling or are kind to someone that needs kindness. These are things that I want to cultivate. I brag on the child that works hard on an assignment and puts in good effort and has done their best even if their finished product isn't the top in the class. I compliment someone who says kind things when someone is struggling. Then you are creating a culture of kindness and empathy in the classroom and in each child. They notice that this is what is important and they look for ways to do this.
If you brag on things that come easy to them or just come natural that they had no real input into then it creates inflated egos and people that are very unpleasant to be around.
I disagree with the person who said that they thought home school children were less arrogant. I was in a church with a large home school population and every single child has struggled with how to be a balanced person in real life despite their parents best efforts. It has been strange to watch but in almost every situation the parents have attracted in the child the very thing that they feared.
I think being around other children and seeing more diversity in abilities and always having some higher than them and some lower than them gives them more of a realistic less inflated view of themselves. They also need to know that God values the lowest most handicapped struggling child as much as them.
In short they must learn and be taught how to be a blessing no matter where they are schooled.
It is time to maybe take him down a peg or two and even have consequences for rude, egotistical behavior and praise when he is showing some empathy. Best of luck.

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I made the same mistake! I was also raised in an abusive environment where I could never do anything right. So, I praised my children and now my 6 YO brags about how smart and wonderful she is and now that her younger sister is better at reading then she is, she is very discouraged. Those on pedestals fall pretty hard when they trip!

What I have come to realize is that they should be encouraged to work hard. They are not smart because they are smart, but they did well in their school assignment because they worked at it. They are beautiful because that's how God made them. They are sweet because God calls us to be patient and compassionate and merciful to others.

I do hope you find a way to humble him. Sometimes finding an opponent that you know can beat him at something helps. This does not mean that you have to put him in school. My niece is in school and her teacher isn't even allowed to mark something wrong in her schoolwork! When I was in college I found that the children from traditional schools were much more arrogant then those who were homeschooled and had a harder time accomplishing assignments and were more anti-social, which is one reason why I wanted to homeschool.

I point out my girls' weaknesses when they seem particularly puffed up and explain that everyone has strengths and weaknesses and we should all work on improving our weaknesses.

S., homeschooling mom to 4 girls ages 2-6

C., I think it's good for you to recognize that your son's behavior is abusive to those he's around. He may not realize it because he is so young, but it is. I would definitely look for causes to incorporate into his life, things that take some real physical labor would be my first choice and dealing with real people, such as a soup kitchen or sorting and handing out items to the homeless. Also, reading stories with strong archetypes that served people and were humble about their works.

Another thing I would suggest is some biography work on your part. There are people in most areas who can do this with you. There is some part that you are playing in all of this. (different from being responssible for the other people's behavior, so don't get me wrong here) Anyway, learning what that role is, how you respond when people treat you a certain way, etc, may help your son right now and will certainly help you when dealing with abusive behavior in the future.

I wish you the very best.

I think maybe that is just 8- I have one of those at my house and he will try to tell his mommy and daddy that he is right and everything he thinks and does is right- we respond to him by saying if your think you are right that is your opinion but in expressing your opinion you must do it in a kind respectful way and you must understand that sometimes you will be wrong. The only person in the world that was 100% right all the time was Jesus. How would he handle the situation?" That usually knocks him down a peg and reminds him who he should be patterning his life after instead of thinking he is the end all be all. Good luck!