12 Year Old Boy with No Friends

(I'm not sure if in using this "Edit Advice" page, my original comments will disappear or not, so I'll leave them below. I apologize for any duplication. I went to the site I first suggested to you (selectivemutism.org) and was surprised how much it had changed. Although the info there may be helpful, I feel it may make people wary because of its language. I'd like to please suggest that you go to this alternative site http://www.designandcopy.ca/silentchild/index.html
for what I feel is a more balanced approach. Again, hopefully your son is just going through a "phase", but if you're concerned enough to come to Mamasource about him, you may want to check out the info to rule out SM or other problems. Sorry for the long-windedness!)

Hi Jerri,

Is the difficulty your son has talking to others outside of the home a new thing, or has it been going on a while?
Although it could be a question of shyness or even hormonal or social changes, I can't urge you strongly enough to read about Selective Mutism (SM). I say this mostly because of this: <<but when they speak to him he just acts like he doesn't hear them. He wants to speak but says he just can't.>> That is a hallmark of SM, which is under the umbrella of Social Anxiety/Social Phobia. Please go to http://www.selectivemutism.org/ and see what you think. SM has been in the news more recently, including in People magazine and on 20/20.

My daughter was diagnosed with SM at a young age. Kids with SM can most often speak just fine within their home, but not when in new social situations. They are not being manipulative, they simply cannot, "Get their voices out." There are other symptoms as well. With a lot of hard work, people now don't realize my daughter is anything other than "quiet and a bit shy". (She's 11.) Her journey with SM, although not what I would wish for a child, has brought incredible blessings, so please don't think I'm suggesting something that's the end of the world.

I'm trying to make this brief in the hopes that I'm off on my suggestion, but I do urge you to check it out. Even if SM is not at play, I'm glad that your son has a mom who is concerned and willing to help him - not having friends can have far-reaching effects.

I'd be glad to talk with others who want or need info about SM. I'm not at the computer every day, but I will get back to you.

Whatever the case, Jerri, I wish you both many blessings, and want your son to know he's not alone in having difficulty making friends.

1 mom found this helpful

Hi Jerri. When my two children, now adults were younger, we use to roll play and play what if...Like..What if there was someone you really wanted to have as a friend, what would you do, or you were in class and someone asked to come over your house...etc. This was usually in the evenings after a hectic day and we were winding down..they could sleep on it..Trix

1 mom found this helpful

He seems to have extreme social anxiety. Has he always been this way, or is it a more recent development? If he's always been this way, then he has a very private, shy type personality and could use help maybe from a counselor to learn ways to make himself more comfortable in public and to learn how to begin making friends. If it's more recent, he probably needs to talk out what happened to make him uncomfortable,either with you or with a professional person. Maybe he said something at one time and someone made fun of him and now he's afraid it'll happen again.

Also, how do you know that boys his age like him? If it's just because they greet him when you see them out with their mothers, that's more likely that their mothers are telling them to be polite, and he knows that. My kids are always telling me that this kid is mean to them or that one hates them, but when I am with them and we see the child, they are always very polite. So maybe they really don't like him, and if so, that's another thing you need to get talked out, so you know why that is.

But my son got along with kids in his class and seemed to have friends until he was in about fifth or sixth grade, and then he was alone most of the time except for about two friends, and one of them didn't go to his school anymore. That's when the boys started getting really into sports more than video games and books, and he goes to a very small school and is very intelligent and was mature for his age, and he just had nothing to talk to the boys about. He was a real loner in sixth and seventh grades, and very slowly starting in eighth grade began to get along with the other kids better, though still never went to parties or just "hung out." All through high school he very slowly became more social and began talking in class and chatting with other students (the principal and several teachers have told me they can't believe the transformation.) Now as a senior, he's suddenly going out with friends and socializing all the time, and the kids I thought he'd never miss have become pretty dear to him. I think this all had to do with maturity and the need to be like other kids and the fact that by sophmore year or so kids begin accepting people who are different from them more than they do in Jr. High. Jr. High is a very hard time for almost all kids. So this may be something he'll just grow out of.

Whatever the case may be, if he's really as backward socially as you say, I'd get him some help to find out what's going on, because it's very hard to deal with the world when you can't talk to people.

1 mom found this helpful

I think it is definetly time to see a professional. You do not want your 12 year old to go through high school without friends. High School can be a very cruel place and I know I relied on my friends to get through it. There are 2 things that come to my mind... the 1st one is Aspberger's Syndrome. The other one is that he could have low self esteem or be afraid of saying something wrong. Then that phobia could become so extreme that he is not making friends. Has it always been this way? Has he never had friends or is this a new development?
The other thing is seeing a child psychologist would be a big help!!!

1 mom found this helpful

I taught sixth grade before becoming a stay at home mom, and I've seen lots and lots of shy kids. This sounds like more than shyness. Shy kids might not initiate conversation, but they still speak when spoken to, and they usually still have friends. Your son sounds like he has some social anxiety problems. Not being able to make words come out of your mouth is representative of that. It wouldn't hurt to see a professional about it. They might be able to give you a lot of insight into this and give him tips on getting past this issue.

1 mom found this helpful

I just signed my 11 year old son up for a Social Skills Club. We've only had 2 meetings but so far it has been helpful. There are 6 kids (all about the same age) who are having problems talking to peers, making eye contact, interacting in groups, etc... It's helpful for the children to practice the skills that come easily to others in a comfortable setting. It has also been helpful for me to talk with parents who have the same concerns and issues. Ask your school counselor about a social skills class or if s/he can recommend a psychologist that offers the service. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

Hi,
My son is a little different than yours, he doesn't have any real friends but he is very happy anyway. (I'm the one that worries about the no friends) He doesn't play sports- no interest- he really likes his alone time. I'm just trying to help teach him how to interact and make a friend if he wanted to. My son is still in elementary school so his teacher and I have worked out a way for him to "practice" these social interactions. First the teacher picked a couple of wonderful and compassionate children to interact with Tyler. They don't baby or pity him-they don't make him feel weird- just included. They ask to him to play at recess or sit next to them at lunch, and it is really good practice. Being unable read non verbal social cues or not knowing how to appropriately respond when talked to is very frustrating- BUT can be taught- just like anything else- like an instrument or a foreign language. There are books on teaching social communication. It is not an isolated problem, his school is even having social skills seminars. I don't know if any of this applies to you, but if it does I hope it helps.
Blessings to you,
K.

1 mom found this helpful

Jerri,
I believe the TODAY program interviewed a family that had this same issue w/ their 8 year old son. It aired a month or two ago. I assume he functions normal at home? If we put a hidden camera in your house would he talk & interact age appropriately w/ family members? Assuming so, I would talk to a professional about this. The TODAY program doctor had a medical term for it (as they do everything). I believe it was called Selective Mutusim, just like someone has mentioned above. Everyone worked together w/ his school to set goals. He may even qualify for services at school/after school. I would definitely talk to a professional to help you all come up w/ a plan to gradually get him comfortable to be in social situations outside family. It make take some time.
Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful

All of this advice that was given is great and points to ponder on. I have an 11yr old so I can truly understand the anxiety of not having him feel left out or alone in this critical transition time of his life. You say that he only has that "shyness" outside of his family. Perhaps getting him involved in some social group activities will break him into responded to new social environments. I got my boys into martial arts and I am amazed at how they have blossomed. My 11yr old's problem was the opposite.. he loved to talk to everyone; but, his social immaturity came through everytime he opened his mouth. That caused the kids to say he was weird. Having him around other kids his age (martial arts, sports, church group) has really helped him to recognize what is socially acceptable and how other kids his age are acting. I hate to sound as if I am encouraging him to follow the crowd; but, sometimes being different can be so devastating to a child. I think the best thing we can do as parents is just to keep communication lines open and be there for them.
I wish you luck and peace...

1 mom found this helpful

I would get him onto a team (baseball, soccer, basketball, rocket club, etc) anything offered at his school? Karate would be good also. Also, see if he wants to do a sleep over/camp out with one or two boys. Maybe he would do better with a smaller group.
I too was very shy in middle school. When I got to high school I joined JROTC and it changed me for the better! I have no problem talking to anyone or a group. Plus it is fun!

Yes. I think it is time to see a professional. Talk to your local Child Advocacy Center, Exchange Club Family Center, or Domestic Violence Shelter and ask them who they think are the top three children's therapists in your community. Go meet them without your child present and decide which one you feel the most comfortable providing therapy for your child. You want your child to lead a happy life. He is not going to be happy with no friends.

Hi Jerri,

He could be dealing with Aspergers Syndrome like my 14 yo daughter. Aspergers is a high functioning form of autism and is characterized by a lack of social skills. I'd suggest doing a search on the subject; there's tons of info about it on the net. My daughter was diagnosed 2 or 3 years ago and still has zero friends, but she is doing well. She seems to be able to converse with adults better than children. Let me know if I can help in any way.
P.

I recently read an article about selective muteness. It was a story about a young boy who was very talkative and social at home but physically could not speak to other people. He, too, said he wanted to talk to other people, buy just couldn't. This may not be your case at all, but I thought you might find it interesting.

I think your son will benefit from a professional assessment. This will help you all understand what is going on with him. Also help him develop the skills to manage what ever is happening to him. Good luck.

S.

I believe it would be a good idea for him to talk with someone alone without you there. Maybe his pediatrician or a psychiatrist, someone to he can trust and give him Ideas, Sometimes its hard for kids to talk to there parents about issues due to imbarresment and things like that. I am a peds nurse and I see it everyday. You don't want him to get depressed about this issue because it can cause problems in the long run. I highley believe in talking to someone. Even a paster a a church, if you go to church I don't but they are good listiners. Please let me know if you need any help, I know all kinds of doctors. Jennifer

Dear J.,
Maybe you could let him have a small party. He could give invitations to some of the boys at school. It might help him if you are there to help him. This way the boys could get to know him in his confort zone,and in turn maybe it will make him fell more comfortable opening up around his classmates.

I'm 47 with no friends...What I let the teens in my Sunday School know is that God knows exactly what we need and right about now, this just maybe the plan of God in order to train him in the way God wants him to go...Friends are a distraction and God maybe sparing him from a lot of hurt and future disappointments which he does not need...Does this make sense? I believe his true friend is just around the corner, but the timing is not yet come. This friend will have your son's heart in his best interest and that is what you need to believe for him...Many come to destroy your purpose in life and there are just a very few you can literally call FRIEND.

I also believe he will find himself in time, do not push him, so "NO' is the answer to your question 'Is it time to see a professional?' There is absolutely nothing wrong with him...Just allow him to have some space with boundaries.

Dolores (Grandmother of 6 and Mother of 3 grown children)

I was just like that at that age. Extremely shy and hard to speak to others. I still am unless I have something specific to talk about. Anyway, I would say professional help may be useful. I never had any and eventually developed some close frineds. For me it was just getting involved in activities where I had things to talk about with others. ANyway, good luck and god bless.

I would look in to the possibility of a condition called "selective mutism." My sister's twins were diagnosed with the condition when they were quite young (younger than your son) and went to a professional for help. They are now 16 and are doing really well. If you google "selective mutism" and it seems like something that you want to know more about, please email me and I could give you my sister's info. It might help to talk to someone who has had children who have suffered from this condition -- but who now have made great progress!

Good luck. Please feel free to email me. : )

C. in Wake Forest

Hi Jerri. My daughter was just like your son. But, she would also burst into tears if someone said anything suspect to her. This was when she was 10/11 years old. Not to mention that she was the tallest in every class and among any of the kids in the neighborhood. She hated standing tall and would slouch in order to avoid attention. Now, she is 13 and 5'9. Anywho, my advice per what we did is some kind of sport. We put my daughter in karate and saw a HUGE difference in a matter of one year. Now, she has friends, can take criticism, can defend herself : ), is self-confident, and stands tall. We were absolutely thrilled with what karate did for her. She competed in competitions and has more than 5 trophies in her room for winning fighting competitions. She was thrilled and proud of herself as well. Hope this advice helps even a little.

A.

Hi, my husband struggles some with a social disorder. I wonder if your son could have the same thing. There are medications with little to no side effects to help him with this. I am sure you are hesitant to start medications but let me tell you it has helped my husband so much. It is like a new life for him. Another thought is that if you make it okay for him to take medication now maybe when he is grown he will not have some of the same issues my husband did about taking medicine. If you take him to a doctor be sure and research who you go to. Make sure they specialize in children and ask for referrals from other parents. Gods best for you and your son.

First of all
Relax when I was growing up that would have been seen as simply being shy.If he dosnt seem to here them then check it yourself and see if he is hearing everything you assume that he is
It may be as simple as a hereing problem or inability to comunicate.
Or as a I said Shyness.
And beleive me from a woman who is anything but shy I wish I were shy at times.
Your knot doing him or yourself any favors bye allowing yourself to get all balled in knots or worry.
Just start to test himyourself and ask him questions that will lead you to answers to truly where the base of his Problem Lies
If Its shy ness then start to get to work on encourag him every day such as littel notes in his lunch bag every day ect
Before you call out the infantry of Dr.'s Id check it out myself first

Oh my gosh, I just saw this on a documentary on t.v. It's a selective muteism kind of thing. It affects children of many ages, as early as 3 and 4 and on up. It takes some intervention with professionals. I watched as a 6 year old girl helped a boy her own age with the same affliction. It's real, and tell him not to worry because it happens to some kids, but yes...there is help out there. It makes it hard for him on so many levels. I just hope this will encourage him to know that there are more kids out there with simular problem. They are themselves and "normal" (whatever that means) until they are talked to. Hang in there Jerri, tell your son there could be a solution out there and that this isn't his fault or personality. I guess it's just something you need tool to deal with and understand it. Sorry I wasn't more help, just want him to know he isn't alone. Good luck!

he is probably scare of loosing friend by speaking incorrect.

Have you tried role playing? Acting out situations when he might wish to respond but become "tongue-tied" or unable to think of an appropriate response?