Would You Try to Re-connect with Old Friends Under These Circumstances?

I think I agree with everyone who went first. Theres no harm in going down memory road. 20 years is along time....everyone including you has changed so be prepared for that. My bestit and highsince hs never see each other, i havent seen her in 2 years :( but we talk text all day long about everything still.
My bestie i gathered through growing up after hs is now enagaged for her first marriage andhas cut me off completely. She started dating this fellow and hes on the ritchie side of town. I mean a richie family ....donated all the money for a football stadium to the local high school money. so wehave grown apart...her redneck roots are hidden now and mine are still blazing full force. lol. But I understand. life takes you differeing places, and in 5, 10 or 20 years I will welcome her phone call.

Stop feeling guilty-and , yes, reach out to them with a letter or phone call-only FB as a last resort. All kinds of things have happened to me and I deal with it as I am able. Good luck-pick up a copy of "The Celestine Prophecy" , it offers an interesting viewpoint.

Meh, FB is for all. Keep it light just invite them as friends and say how you been gosh its been ages. Right out of colledge I hooked up with a guy and we took off to Florida. We rarily see each other only every 5 years or so if I go back up north. But we are facebook friends.

I see no problem with reaching out and saying 'hi, hope things are going good and leave it at that. You really don't owe anyone an apology.
That being said, you should be prepared for:
No response at all
Rude comments
or a request for a meet-up.
Go over all this in your head. Good luck

I've done it two different times with two different results. THe first was EARLY in the days of FB and when I joined I noticed a girl was on there that I went to school with (middle through high) and we were on again/off again besties. I sent her a very long email about how I wished we'd been better friends, that I was sorry for things that had transpired (typical stuff though she did spread a very vicious rumor about me after I was date raped by her "buddy") but either way I thought I'd do the outreach and take my share of the blame for being "two faced" and immature. She never responded.
I also sent an email like that to my college bestie - we had a HORRIBLE falling out when I relocated to Colorado and was supposed to be in her wedding. I tried to opt out knowing it would be very hard to get to NY when we had just moved to CO and money, etc - but she wouldn't hear of it. Needless to say it turned out very poorly - she sent me a "dear john" letter saying she no longer wanted me in her wedding - and we didn't speak for 15 years! however - she got my FB email and responded - and we've actually gotten together since then and had a great time. So - you never know. Sometimes the outreach is really for you - to settle your mind, ease your conscience, etc - and if they don't respond - well you did your best to mend and can now move on.
Good luck.

It sounds like you already know how to handle this...exactly as you stated...let them know how well you are doing, how much you appreciated them for being there for you when they were and you hope all is well.

I don't understand why you feel the need to apologize for YOUR life. No one is perfect and if your marriage ended, as your friends, they should have been supportive of your emotional needs, whether they thought it was right or not. Who are any of us to judge others in circumstances we do not understand. I've learned over the years, that it is much easier to judge, than to try and understand. And for that, I, too, have lost touch w/ people that were very good friends.

Some friendships can be "rekindled" and some would have fizzled no matter what.

So, write your note, but only do it if you are ready for whatever may come, whether they reciprocate or not. (and I agree about FB...I have a love/hate relationship w/ it!)

BTW...yes, this has happened to me, too. I DID write notes to the people that were important to me at one time or another, just to know I tried to reconnect. And sometimes, they would write back and that's as far as it would go, and others have wanted to get together and become friends again. Good luck!

I am not exactly proud of my behavior in High School. About a year ago I was contacted by one person from my graduating class (on FB) and that went well so I've contacted several other people. I am pleased with how this has turned out. One friend had married and divorced a guy I didn't really approve of, when she gave me a brief discription of her life she said something like "I know you won't be surprised that the marriage didn't work out" I tried to smooth it out with a comment like "I'm sorry it didn't work out, I'm sure it was very difficult to go through the divorce." All in all I'm glad we've reconnected, I feel a little bit like I've mended a few fences. A lot of time had passed for all of us, I think we all had a few regrets.

M

Hi A.,
There is nothing in your post that leads me to believe that you owe anyone an apology for YOUR divorce. Come on, girl! They didn't suffer through a failed marriage, you did! The only thing that I might apologize for is that you didn't remain in contact or didn't keep the friendship going. But in all honesty, did they put the effort out, either?

Anyway, I understand the draw to link up with old friends that you were particularly close to. I've reconnected w/ my high school girlfriends through FB and it's been absolutely wonderful. A good 20 years had passed before we reconnected and it's been such a great thing to "be" in one another's lives again, even if it's only through the internet, as some live in other states.

One of these ladies was my best friend in high school and we were tighter than tight. We had a falling out our senior year, tried reconnecting in college and it fell flat, but we were able to reconcile through, yes, FB. She was always in my heart during our 20 years apart and I honestly thought of her often and really, really rued the fact that we were no longer friends. I had no way of getting in contact with her, but finally found her through FB when I signed up. I had some apologizing to do and I jumped at the chance to do so and we are now closer than ever. Even though two decades passed, it's like they never did when we are together. Know what I mean?

So I say, reach out, say hello, say you've missed them all these years and would love to catch up. Don't expect anything, but you never know what may happen. Some friendships are meant to last a lifetime; even if there is a pause in there at some point. Good luck!

No one can really answer this question but you. I've not walked a mile in your shoes.

Would I do it? Most likely. There are people that were in my first wedding that I lost track of when we moved to Europe within months of getting married. We didn't have facebook and e-mail was really just starting out.

If it will make you feel better - then do it. apologize for how you left things or let them go.

Aaaaw, don't think too much on it. Of course send them a little message, note, whatever on FB. You don't need to go on and on about whatever happened between ya'll, you know?

I'll bet they'd be pleased to hear from you. If they AREN'T pleased to hear from you, you'll certainly know. Either they won't answer your message or they'll just tell you so.

It's ok to connect with people from your past this way. It's good to take a walk back and remember who you were. Since who you are now is a cummulation of all those people as well.

Try putting it out there. But don't be TOO crushed if they don't respond the way you'd hoped. Since what you've got now is good.

:)

I don't see what you have to apologize for. You simply made different decisions for your life than they did. I would send a brief note and just say you came across them, hope all is well and that you can be in touch. Leave it at that. See if they reply back and/or friend you. If so, great, if not, then you know. And yes, something like this did happen to me. Briefly, I worked with a husband who was married to a high school friend...he was GAY and everyone at work knew, as well as me, put me in a bad situation obviously. Anyway, I made an off hand remark to a mutual friend of his wife that he's "different at work than at home". She basically went off on me, told the wife, he turned the story around, made me the bad guy...blah, blah blah. So, both female friendships ended. Now, YEARS later, he is out of the closet, they are divorced, no more secrets. I basically a few years ago emailed thru FB both of them, said I heard they were divorced, that I knew this while we worked together and it put me in a bad spot, etc. I never heard from either of them...fine. I feel like I did what I could to clear the air and still feel like I was in the right. So I would send a brief note and hope for the best. Good luck!!!

I would send a nice, simple note if you want to. I did it with an old friend. I felt she actually didn't treat me that great but also understand now what she was dealing with (newly married, pregnant, had just moved cross country and bought a house while I was still single etc). She said she's always felt badly. She now has 5 kidi so not much time so we don't keep in touch but I'm very glad I know that she also thought of me and regretted what had happened. I'm not sure I would apologize vs say you've always regretted that you guys drifted apart and just wanted to say hi and hope they're all doing well. Likey at least one of them feels the same way you do. If not - you tried and that should bring some closure.

Hugs to you A.. There is no need to feel guilty. You didn't "DO" anything to them. Life happened. It bothers you now because you're a more mature person and you're thinking about it from a different point of view. It's ok. :)

You can send them a friend request - I reconnected with some friends from gradeschool through Facebook. We ping each other once in a while, and it makes me smile, but we're all over the country so we couldn't be "friends" in the full sense unless we all worked REALLY hard at it.

Give yourself a break. Maybe get counseling to deal with the guilt, because too much guilt is not valuable. Forgive YOURSELF, and then take it from there.

Do you miss them or do you just wanna gloat or punish?

First of all, cut yourself some slack. We've all done stuff as "kids" that we regret now. As far as I'm concerned, that is one of the biggest benefits of living--being here long enough to be able to look back on our mistakes/errors in judgment/immature behavior and learn from it. There is no reason to feel guilty at this point, but we always wish that we could go back in time to correct our mistakes.

I have made contact on FB and said something like, "I am embarrassed by some of the things that I did back then. I'm glad to be a grown-up, now."

You made some poor decisions -- ahh haven't we all. You do not owe anyone an apology.
Send them a friend request and a short note something like --glad I found you-- I miss you and all the fun we had together. See what happens. If they don't respond or deny your friend request, they are not and never were your friends. Friends don't pass judgement.

I was best friends from middle school through high school. We quit talking mostly because of our boyfriends that we had at the time and for something awful (at the time) that she did to me. Here we are almost 16-17 years later and she shot me a friend request + a note. We talked, texted, emailed and had lunch. She apologized to me for doing what she did and for trying to cover it up. I forgave her and we are working on becoming friends. Our lives are different now than when we were younger and we were young and dumb in my opinion. As you grow up, most of us gain maturity and a better outlook on things.

I do agree with some of the other posters, you don't owe them an apology due to your life. Big deal if they weren't happy with the ending of YOUR marriage.

Extend your hand to them and see what they do. They can choose to respond and reconnect or not to. I know when I talked to my friend over lunch, we both said that we saw each other on FB many times and wanted to talk to each other but didn't know how it would be received. They may be feeling the same thing you are.

Good luck!

It's so tempting to reconnect with people online because it's very easy. However... in this case, you have all lost touch because your lives took different directions. What are you hoping to gain from reconnecting? Do you want them back in your lives? Do you need to be forgiven by them?

Personally, I would leave this alone. You made your own choices, they made theirs. You felt judged and not supported during a time when you likely needed them to be there for you. No need to reconnect with people who weren't positive forces in your life when you separated from them.

You don't owe anyone an apology for anything. You weren't married to THEM- the only person you would need to apologize to for not taking the marriage seriously would be your ex-husband.

Hi - I am not sure what to tell you to do so I will just share my experience.
In the late 90's me and three other girls lived together at college. When we left college - within a year and a half I got engaged; these three girls were in my wedding. At the time one was pregnant and the other two were in serious relationships. A few months after my wedding the pregnant friend had a baby shower - after that, other than a birth announcement , it was like she fell off the face of the earth; would never return calls, letters, etc.
One of the girls I stayed in close contact with and she and I remain somewhat close - the other one is close to the one I am close to but doesn't reallly have much to do with me (is any of this coming together???!!!)
Anyway - last September we all received a friend request from the one who fell of the face of the earth. We all decided to get together at the house of the one who, while in some contact, not much contact w/me.
Anyway - all 4 of us got together and, in my opinion, was a little awkward. The one who's house we were at said to the MIA friend, "Me and Missy (me) don't talk much but when we need each other we are both there for one another." (um, don't feel like you ever need me then cuz our friendship is one sided.....).......I realized after leaving this party (we all spent the night b/c we'd been drinking) this MIA friend listened to all we said and talked about her life but NEVER ONCE asked us questions about ours.
To be quite honest - I kinda wish I would have just stayed home (I drove 60 miles for this 'reunion') with my family and watched movies as it was an awkward night and I didn't sleep well.......
We all had fun years ago - but we've grown and have nothing but memories in common.

I think most friendships grow apart to some extent. I know that most of mine have. It sems like when you are in your 20s and are living your carefree single days, everyone is your friend becuase you all have so much in common - going out, dating, drinking, careers, etc.

But once everyone starts getting married and having kids, things change. At the time, your friends may not have realized it since they were leading different lives. But I bet 15-20 years later they sure do realize it.

I think they would love to hear from you. No apology needed from anyone. Just don't be shocked if 20 years later, you don't have much in common and can't rekindle the friendship to what it was. But maybe you can. Give it a try. Just send a note saying it's been to long. Let's chat over the phone. When can I call you?

Don't wait - go for it.

a couple of things jump out at me: why do you think they looked up to you.....& why do you think you let them down?

Those 2 statements really make me feel you need to just stay away. To even assume that they looked up to you is very unsettling. I cannot imagine a friendship based on that parameter. For me, friendship is equal footing & terms. :)

& equally, if you did let them down.....then it's long, long ago.....& why bring it up? It's in the past & you don't have contact now. The end. !!

I just don't get why you even feel the need to address any of these issues & non-issues! Move on....don't look to the past....& be happy! Should you actually cross paths one day...then that would be the time to reconnect - not through the virtual world of FB!

It sounds like you have unfinished business and for your peace of mind, you should try and reconnect. Know going into it that your friends might not be interested but at least it will be off your mind. You don't have to apologize but you can say you feel bad about the way things happened, especially in letting them down and wanted to clear the air. Saying you missed them and praying they are happy and healthy is always appropriate. I've been the one contacted by an old friend who jilted me and my hurt feelings seemed to melt in the ownership of "something didn't go the way it should have". We aren't best friends now but we are on Facebook where I can see pictures of her kids, email once in a while and it's just nice to have closure. Simply because these friends are part of your story and this is part of what made you who you are today (good, bad and ugly). Good luck. No matter their reaction, you will feel good being at peace within yourself.

I don't see any reason not to send a nice note on facebook, but I certainly would skip any apologies.
The funny thing about so much time going by is that people really do move on with their lives without seeing things from the same perspective we might. I have quite a good memory, but you'd be surprised how many things that friends I haven't been in touch with in a long while don't even remember, or at least until I mention it.

I have friends who have found me on facebook and we've had a nice time chatting. But it's not like we talk to each other every week or even every month. I went years without seeing my favorite cousin because life and distance got away. We had a big family reunion and it was like we'd never missed a day....like we picked up right where we left off.

So, if you want to send sentiments something along the lines of you've really been thinking of your old and dear friends and are praying their families are well and happy, I think you should.
It's just my opinion, but I don't think apologies are necessary.

Best wishes.

It has. One friend just dropped off the earth one day and changed his phone number and moved. He broke up with a girl which lead him to drinking and drugs a lot and then got someone pregnant. He decided to take his daughter and raise her on his own and decided not to have contact with his friends any more.
I have my friends I hang out with every week and we do girls trips and monthly outtings without kids or husbands. these are the people I want in my life. They want to hang with me and listen to my vents and whining. I have made some new friends also. The people who basically wouldn't stay in touch or make an effort to call when I tried to get in touch, I don't need in my life.
I think you should forgive yourself. Life takes on journeys for reasons we don't know and maybe having a disconnect from them was opening another door for you to go down. If you want to get on facebook and just say hey, wanted to see whats going on, then do that but don't do any apologizing.

You have nothing to lose, & everything to gain! Go for it! People grow apart because of boyfriends in high school, husbands later, college/career, children at different times, a variety of life events, but these women who were once such an important part of your life can be again! You may not think you need them, necessarily, but maybe something essential is missing which is why you are thinking about them. Doesn't sound like an apology is necessary - most of us have done things/behaved in ways we regret, but if there was no big blowup with any of them, it doesn't sound like there's anything in particular to apologize for.

When I was 21 I moved from NY to FL & my best friend since 7th grade moved to MA. We got together once the next year; the boyfriend she was with then is her husband now for 18+ years & I was in an impermanent relationship with a guy neither of them (well, none of us) liked. After that visit, our lives got very busy for a variety of reasons & we lost touch completely for 7 YEARS. Eventually I found her on the Internet (this was WAY before FB - the Internet was fairly new & my employer just made it available) & called her - we haven't stopped talking since, speak nearly every day & sometimes 2 or 3 times (she will call to ask what to make for dinner, we talk while we're cleaning a lot, & once watched a TV show together over the phone!). She is still in MA & I am still in FL, we don't see each other every year, but it's like we didn't miss those 7 years in between (though we both got married during that period & missed each other's weddings which is sad) & really we've hardly missed a step. Our children are close enough in age that they play so nicely when we do get to see each other, & our husbands aren't too different that they can visit just fine (though she & I visit more with just the kids).

Do it! Contact them in a personal message (don't make it public, that just puts people on the spot), give your phone number, let them know they've been on your mind & they are special to you. Good luck! :D