Would You Let Your Teen Choose a Pricey Educational Camp She Already Did?

First, I would help her find some coping mechanisms for the anxiety because she is not going to get anything out of an expensive camp if she is anxious the whole time. Insist she work with a therapist.

Second, I would have her pick a different camp suited to her interests and maybe one that a friend is attending, if you insist on her attending camp.

Third, maybe a summer job would give her more confidence and help boost her self esteem. It sounds like she enjoys working with kids. Maybe she could be a camp counselor at a YMCA camp or tutor young kids to get them ready for school or babysit or nanny for the summer.

Lastly, I don't know anyone that chose their college major or career from an educational camp. That doesn't mean I disagree with the concept. I just don't know if it is necessary?

My daughter has been diagnosed with anxiety.

Almost at the very last things on the list of "what not to tell your anxious child", if I made such a list, would be: telling her to think way ahead to careers, and picking the activity (whether it's camp, a particular course at school, or a social activity) for your anxious child.

Right now, your daughter is displaying coping skills. She knows she has already taken this particular educational camp course. She knows what it entails. She knows she can handle it. And she's willing to do it. That's awesome! She's listening to herself.

The value you'll get from allowing her to repeat something that is comfortable for her is: confidence, an expanded sense of accomplishment, and knowing that she has achieved something. You can't put a price on that.

Believe me, it's frustrating. My daughter is an adult. Making a phone call is torture for her due to her anxiety. In order for her to make the call, we review the steps her psychiatrist has outlined (certain coping skills and tools), sometimes we write out a script of sorts, she relaxes and breathes, and then makes the call. Is this a call to the president of Harvard University? No, just ordering pizza. ARGGGHHHH sometimes I want to just pick up the phone and do it for her, but she needs to do it on her time. She is improving, due to following her psychiatrist's counseling. And I'm sure you're frustrated knowing that your daughter wants to repeat this camp, which will cost you money. I'm sure you're thinking "hey, honey, you're smart, you're not 7 years old anymore, time to think about college and/or a career and taking steps to get there, didn't you already do this camp, come on pick up the pace!". You may be thinking how when you were her age you were already applying to schools or had your life pretty planned out. But anxiety is a huge wrench in the works.

Now, if she wants to go to the same educational camp 8 years in a row, well, time to step in and have some tough conversations, guided by a professional.

But as a teen, wanting to try a repeat session at an educational program, handling anxiety as best she can, that seems ok.

A person with anxiety often will not speak up or just jump in and take control of things. I hope you will continue to get counseling for her, even if she doesn't speak to the counselor. My daughter didn't speak to her psychiatrist for 3 years. Don't give up, don't stress about the future, continue to recognize her accomplishments, and get counseling for yourself about how to effectively parent an anxious kid.

I find your question very confusing, too many questions and not enough information.

But I will say this: Let her choose her path in life. My parents bullied me into not doing what I love and have always wanted to do with my life. I'm 63 and I have been miserable for many of those years. I do love the job I have now but it's not what I want to do. However I am working toward my dream job. This make me happy.

Of course your daughter has anxiety! You have bullied her into living up to your expectations never thinking about what she wants. Let her be who she is and she will be happy.

It sounds like she's a bit stuck - there's something familiar about the camp, so it's not scary for her to go away, despite her anxiety. However, she can't make the next step to take a new class or even take on a project. I think it's reasonable to expect her to do something new.

However, I have to say I think you are making a huge mistake by saying that a teen has to start working on a career choice! I can't say this strongly enough. Even college freshmen are encouraged to explore different subjects before declaring a major, yet you have a high schooler who is 16 and you're all over her to pick her lifelong career. That's incredible pressure, pointless, and is probably adding to her anxiety. I suggest you meet with a counselor yourself (you and your spouse) and start to work on new ways to let go and let her be a teen.

I get that you want her to talk to a counselor, and it's frustrating that she didn't talk to 2 of them. But I think you should stop short of saying she has anxiety and "she won't deal with it." Good heavens - anxiety needs to be treated, not thrown on a kid as her problem to solve.

I think you might look at a middle path. Is there a program (not necessarily this camp, and not necessarily academically oriented) where she can be a counselor to younger students? Maybe it could be paid, maybe it could be an internship that would help her build confidence and leadership skills while also giving her something to put on her activity resume (or whatever your school calls it) to be sent with academic records to universities, community colleges, or employers. If she needs help with study skills and learning to break down a project into smaller portions, then get her that help (or have her work in a program where adults will help her learn to do that). I think it might make sense to have her contribute in some way to a program she really wants - either paying a portion of it or agreeing to work with a counselor (or perhaps a "life coach" would be a more palatable mentor for her) to her be strong enough to manage bullying (you don't say why she fears this) or at least get her into a more mature "head" about life. If she pitches a fit about this, then she's too immature to be working with younger students who themselves may have outbursts.

I really think you should be focusing on her confidence and her independence - building those skills - rather than being so hellbent on career choices - she has her whole life to be a professional, and she'll never get there if you don't get her help with her anxiety.

It's just so 'nice' that you are putting all this pressure on your daughter to choose choose choose even 'if she is too immature to understand'.
Her issue is anxiety?
Who wouldn't be anxious with the attitude you have got?
You need to back off.
If you have such great plans for her college career how about you sign up and earn that degree for yourself because they are YOUR plans and not hers

Repeating the exact same camp is ridiculous.
She didn't want to do camp again.
Let her cancel camp altogether.

You do realize that many college kids start college with no idea what they want to be, right?
Even those who have an idea can change their minds/majors.
You are at a stage where you need to let her steer.
To curb your anxiety - and so she stops picking it up off you - please consider getting a hobby for your own enjoyment.
The road she chooses might not be a smooth one but that's how she will learn and mature.
You can't make her choices for her.

if the camp instructor thinks there's little benefit to it i'd certainly take that into consideration.

not sure what to make of the 'bullying.' how does she know she won't be bullied there? how does she know she'll be bullied if she does something different?

not wanting to try something new is clearly related to your SWH about anxiety. anxious kids need more than being tossed at a couple of counselors. of course she's not 'dealing with it.' that's a central feature of anxiety.

and probably less pressure from you to choose a career. many kids graduate from college without having picked a career path. i can't think of many things more geared to spiking an anxious kid's anxiety than having parents insisting they need to know what they're going to do for the rest of their lives.

saying she needs to think about careers AND that you need to pick for her is a weird dichotomy.

i think you should take the expensive camp money and spend it on getting really good care for your daughter, and some family counseling as well. it sounds as if you all could benefit from some outside wisdom as to how to help and encourage a child who gets 'frozen' at the prospect of making a mistake.

she needs to learn how to fail forward.

you need to learn how to let her.

khairete
S.

I also deal with a child who has trouble with anxiety...honestly camp has never been an option even when he wanted to go, they called me to come get him and even refunded our money because he AND the staff were so miserable.

Being completely honest with you I would spend the money you would spend on camp on counseling for the anxiety issues. I know you said she wouldn't talk to the counselors...and I would hazard to guess it was due to her anxiety and not wanting to be judged. A really good counselor that deals with anxiety issues will tell you it can take a while before sessions even delve into the real anxiety issues they need to learn to trust that new person (the counselor) before they can bear their anxious soul to them.

My son to be at peace needs to look at life one day to one week at a time. He occasionally branches into career talk but backs away with anxiety of failure. He and we as a family are a work in progress to help him control his anxious tendencies. Work on the anxiety...cognitive behavioral therapy is great. Then look at camp for next summer.

Good luck and big hugs to you, mama!!

It seems to me you have pushed her. The more you insist she take a different class, the more she pushes back. Try letting her make this and other decisions herself within your boundaries. You'll pay for a different class but not this one. Just a fact without trying to convince her.

Say I'm worried because I think counseling would help you become more confident. Perhaps add "I'm anxious too. I'd like to pay for counseling. However going or not is up to you." In this way you give her power over her own life.

I suggest you go to a counselor to help you learn ways to help your daughter. I urge you to find ways to increase her self confidence. What you're doing now isn't working.

Maybe your daughter should try to be a camp counselor overseeing younger kids.

This will help improve her confidence and anxiety and give her leadership experience.

I'm not sure I understand the whole gist of your question, but if it's to help her advance with education/career later on, and she's done this camp and it's not going to help her in the long run, and she'd get just as much if not more from another camp - I'd encourage her to take another camp - if she's just anxious.

Is that the issue? Is it just this is out of her comfort area?

I push my kids if it's for their benefit - especially if it's costly, and they have already done something.

It's empowering. You don't say how anxious she (or uncomfortable). I can't quite get a sense of it. Is this holding her back? Or maybe she's not and she just really enjoyed this course. You also don't say what your budget is, or financial constraints.

We're on a set budget so this would be a no brainer for us. Our kids get that. We also have dealt with anxiety issues for our kids, so pushing them slightly - is a good thing for us in our experience.

Not sure if that helps. We have, on occasion, let our kids do things just for fun if it wasn't too much money and that they really enjoyed or to be with friends. It can't all be for education and career. You have to look at all the factors for your family and child, and sort of weigh out the pros/cons. I'd push her if there's a course that is similar/a bit more advanced though personally.

Good luck :)

I think if you truly want her to think about "careers" she should spend the summer working a part time job and/or volunteering. Sending her to an academic camp is just like sending her to school, it's not going to give her any kind of real world experience.
I also like not being bullied, don't you? Can't really argue with her on that.

No, I would not have my child repeat the camp that was not meant to be repeated. Her instructor emailed you for a reason.

It is your money and your child. You do want works for your situation.

A.

Welcome to mamapedia.
Your post leaves more questions than answers.

How old is your daughter?
What is this camp about?
WHY is she worried about bullies?
If she's living in YOUR home?? She needs to follow your rules and if you are trying to help her and she refuses the help? I would take her ANYWAY. If she has anxiety issues? She needs to learn how to deal with them.

Stop coddling your daughter and her anxiety. Seriously. This is life. Life is constantly changing. She needs to learn how to deal and if you don't get her help? She's going to be like this her whole life. Enough. Stop coddling her and get her to a counselor.

She "Freezes" when she gets put on the spot? Many do. Get over it. Stop using it as an excuse to learn and do things. She's holding herself back.

I think you're kidding yourself if you think any two-week camp can really help a high school student's future career! It can expose her to career options but that's about it. If it's a camp where she can work directly with people who are known in the field - like a science camp where she could work on a project directly with a famous scientist or an acting camp where she can take private lessons with a famous actress - that could possibly help a future career, but only if your daughter really stood out as being strong in that area.

If you really want to help her career, she should spend those two weeks reading and try to do an internship (or a summer job) somewhere.

Camp should be an opportunity for fun and general learning. If you are concerned that your daughter will not learn anything at all from this repeat camp - well then maybe you should explore less expensive options where your daughter could have *fun*.

(Also - I'm not sure what your daughter means about "knowing she won't be bullied". Being the only junior/repeater at the camp actually sounds like it could lead to her being bullied.)