My 28 year old daughter is not doing well at all. I know I was told to let her figure it out and I am trying to do that. I am just worried about her. She is not happy with her life, she is alone, and is not doing very well financially. I can't help her financially, all I can do is listen. I just worry that I should do more. I am at a loss. I told her to get counseling from an objective person, but she doesn't have the time or money. She is trying to start a business and it is taking all of her time.
She is in another state and not happy there. She is worried that she is getting old and not meeting anyone and feels she has no home and does not belong anywhere. I recently moved to another state and we moved a few times while she was growing up, so she feels no sense of home. Meanwhile, I have met a wonderful man and my life is happy for a change. I try to tell her positive things and to be positive and she says it is not helping her. I don't know what to do. She makes me feel like I am an idiot. She tells me I am not listening to her, which makes me feel very badly.
She is still grieving that she gave up a teaching job over a year ago, and that she and her boyfriend of six years broke up over a year ago. She should not have given up the job, we both realize that now, but it is too late to change the past. She regrets it very deeply and so do I. I wish I had advised her to keep the job. Her life would be so much better now. She feels very guilty that she gave up the job and it is eating away at her, especially now that things are not going well for her. She says that her decisions have changed the course of her life and she is very distraught over them. I am beside myself with worry, for she has been upset for over two years now. Please help me to know what to do. It is hard due to both of us having scarce financial resources at this time and being far apart.
She does not communicate with me regularly either, which also worries me, and when we do communicate it is not pleasant at all. I think she needs a shoulder to cry on and I am trying to be that for her, but I am not sure that is the best thing. Help and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
Thank you,
J.
Why can't she get another teaching job?
Since that seems to be her background and employment experience?
Or she can do Substitute Teaching.
If she does not have any other income coming in.
Or she can get unemployment if she qualifies.
She sounds depressed.
A Therapist would probably do her good.
Does she have any friends? Or family where she is?
She needs professional counseling.
When she says you are "not listening to her," that might mean that you are not mirroring her emotions. People often don't want advice, they just want sympathy. Which means that instead of telling her what to do, you just say, "It must be really hard that...." or "It must be sad that..." Often, if you start with that approach, it leads people to figure out the best course of action on their own.
Our kids often don't want advice from us, even if they are complaining to us.
So, I think you should start with that approach, and let her see if she can figure something out.
She is certainly not "old," so she is being a little melodramatic about that.
Unless you are concerned that she might have some kind of serious depression, which could require psychiatric intervention, these kind of life challenges are the things that create strong, well-rounded individuals.
A great saying I learned recently is, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone."
So try first listening to your daughter with empathy, but without offering solutions, unless she asks for them. If that seems to work at all and she cheers up a little, remind her that there are other jobs out there and she is certainly not old.
J.,
She is an adult. You can't control her life. Please DO NOT tell her "I told you so".
She's TELLING YOU you are NOT LISTENING to her. So that tells me that you are telling her what you think she should do and telling her "I told you so". she does NOT need that right now. She needs your support.
So CAN she go back to her old job? Can she apply for a teaching job where she is now? If not - then where can she apply for one? If she regrets leaving it - then she can change her FUTURE by applying for a new teaching job.
If she is starting a business? Help her find financing. Help her with maneuvering the small business loans or even grants to help her business. If she doesn't have a business plan set up - help her with that.
STOP with the negativity.
STOP telling her "I told you so" - and if you say you aren't doing it? Then I call BS - she's TELLING YOU "you are not listening to me, Mom."
Help her LOOK FORWARD. If she wants her business to work - and succeed? Then help her make it succeed. You can do this from another state...you can help her find backing...brain storm together.
When she calls? Don't say something catty like - "it's about time" or "what do you need now?" LISTEN to her.
You were upset before that she didn't reach out to you. People told you to back off and let her come to you. IF she does come to you? BE POSITIVE...not "I'm positive you made a mistake" but I KNOW you can do this. Let's brain storm to find out what we can do to make you successful.
Seek a counselor for you. You are worrying over something you cannot change nor control. You want a better life for your daughter - but it's HER life. Let HER make the calls. And when she does? Do NOT tell her I told you so...yes, I've said this several times. I'm hoping to reach you with it.
Good luck!
Your post (and past question) reminds me so much of my mother-in-law and sister-in-law and their strained mother-daughter dynamic.
I have begged both of them, for years, to get counseling and they have never done it. I feel like both of them are good people but they just cannot seem to have a healthy relationship with each other.
Now my MIL is in a nursing home, and the relationship is still dysfunctional and unproductive in resolving some practical issues pertaining to my MIL's late-stage Parkinson's Disease (awful). So most of the work falls to my husband. Luckily my SIL does visit her frequently (though they take that opportunity to bicker, sadly).
I just wish the two of them could have had a better relationship.
Please consider getting help - real help - for yourself. This, in turn, will help you relate better to your daughter. It seems to me that you are projecting alot of stuff on her. Don't presume to know what's in her head. Don't feel guilty when you're happy. Don't do all the exhausting hand-wringing with her over the decisions she's made (or that you have made).
Good luck.
How about you literally just listen without trying to help her. Express empathy. Say positive things that tell her you heard what she said. "You're feeling like you're to old; like you're missing out." That sort of thing.
Does she say she wants to go back to teaching? If so, she can do that if she left on good terms. Or does she say she wishes she hadn't quit but since she did she want's to focus on her business. If thats the case then don't say you also wish she hadn't quit. Instead tell her she can make it work.
It's common for parents to think they have to fix "it" for their kids. It's important to not try to fix it. Parents help most by just listening and show that they heard by repeating back what understood them to say.
I suggest you talk with a counselor telling them you want to learn how to bean active llistener. It's a skill that many of us have had to learn. It rarely comes naturally. There are probably books that could help you learn. Google active or empathic listening.
Active listening is easier to do when we have clear boudaries. I suggest youalso find a book on co-dependancy. Personal counseling for you could help you listen to your ddaughter.
I quickly skimmed your previous posts. I suggest you may be sounding
judgmental to your daughter when you tell her she shouldn't have quit teaching. You sounded like you depended on your daughter for your happiness. You're happy now because you've found a man. This is co-ddependent. I urge you to focus on finding happiness within yourself without needing someone else. Then your daughter will feel less defensive with you.
In the meantime just listen to her without trying to help her. Be glad when she calls. If she hasn't called in a few weeks then call her without complaining that she hasn't called. Be fully in your life so that you don't need your daughter. I suspect she feels cornered or suffocated by your concern.
Maybe she is unhappy because you refuse to take a hint and just leave her alone already.
I'm sorry. You need the help of a professional. I've read your other posts and I just don't get it. What will make you happy? Your daughter is communicating with you and it's not enough?
Please read the other two posts again and again. They both gave wonderful advice.
Stop projecting your feelings on her and start listening.
Everything you have said here is what you feel she is feeling. What she is telling you is that you are wrong. You need the counselor, not her.
Cousin is even a bit older and her parents pay everything for her to live out of state. So...that is really a bit much!
At least yours sounds like she is trying.
Please go back and read your past posts and the answers. It's still the same problem, J.. She doesn't want your shoulder. She isn't happy, but she's a grown woman and she has to work this out on her own. If she wants to talk to you, that's one thing. But if she doesn't, stop pushing her.
She CAN change her circumstances. She just hasn't come to that conclusion yet. She will.
Maybe you should encourage her to move back and try to get a teaching job. It would be easier for her to be closer to family. It sounds like she was happiest teaching.
excellent advise from all the Moms here. You sound like you have a nice boyfriend so do not feel guilty about that. Enjoy him and your time together. She might be negative for a couple of years. I have friends who have returned into my life and they are still upset about their lives. They want me to tell them uh huh oh dear yea that is sad, so sorry, but they never, ever want me to tell them you did this to yourself, you are wrong, etc. I get it that you want to be close to her, but seriously the advise at this point about letting go and doing some different things yourself might set a great example for her. You might actually find yourself feeling happy and busy and all of the sudden she might need you.
Tell her to look for a teaching job overseas. The social life booms there because no one can leave very easily. Everyone is a free-bird; few are married. I have done it three times in my teaching career.
What I don't get is that the mamas are beating you up. This entire site is geared for 'real' mamas to air their 'real' issues. Some folk only want to give replies yet never air their own issues. Therefore, they come across as saints. If they were saints, they'd not feel the same addiction to the site as we humans have.
So, just read the replies that are helpful and not judgmental. Good luck.
