Wondering How to Respond to My 22-Month Old Child "Selectively" Ignoring Me!

First, she may hear you but unless you get right in front of her and look her in the eye (so you know she is paying attention), she will continue to "ignore" you. Whatever she is doing is far more intriguing to her than going to the bathroom.

Also, do not ASK her. TELL her! Say, I need you to . . . Play counting games as she picks up her toys. Always say thank you and give her praise/hugs after she completes the task.

Best of luck

L.

Mom of a daughter, almost 10 years and a son, 7.

Hi, jen, I've had the same problem with my boys not to ling ago. The way i handled my communication with them was to praise them in what they do, even if it's a simple (pick up the trash off the floor movement) When they eat, let them know how proud you are of them.

It will help...trust me

Perhaps the best book on communicating is "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen" and "Listen So Kids Will Talk". I have used it as the basis for even adult communication groups. It impacted my life and I know impacted others' as well as I facilitated groups with that program. Read it more than once! There are even videos available with that program.

It sounds like she is "tuning you out," and so look for that answer. Why? Are you saying more words than she wants to hear? Is she stressed and needing more quiet time?.....etc. Keep in mind that at her age, children have a huge world to discover and she is doing that. She may be so intent on what she is doing, so focused, that she cant hear you. Looking at her, on her level, while talking, will help her refocus. I would not recommend any punishment. She is doing what she needs to do....look for the cause and address that.

When you give her choices and she doesnt respond, you then make the choice, saying, "ok, I will choose since you didn't...". And proceed to activate that choice.

Keep in mind that is she isnt even 2 yet, she is still learning and sorting out a lot of things.

Hi J.,
I have a 3 years old and a 15 month old. I find that it helps if I bend down and get eye level with my kids.Sometimes making eye contact helps.If that does not work I would not stress it is probley a phase that she will out grow of.
GOOD LUCK

When a child is deliberately disobeying and you are certain that they understand, hear, and are capable of responding, then it is imperative that you train them to the socially acceptible standard for their own sake. While it may seem like it's not big deal because you just asked them to pick up a toy or something, if you train them to only obey after several pleas, repeating, singing, changing your tone, etc., what happens when you tell them you see something they don't like a car coming thier way or a piece of glass they are about to step on? The simple requests for obedience is where this is trained so there is automatic and complete compliance in an emergency situation. Not to do so may endanger them in the long run.

As much as I struggle with being the "bad guy" or too strict, or whatever other emotions moms go through when it comes to the sometimes unpleasant exercise of disciplining our children, when I put it in those terms, I can more easily rise to the standard of training them correctly, which is why they need a parent.

The standard for obedience in our home is:
1. All the way
2. Right away
3. With a happy heart

If all three of the above list are not present then there is not obedience. This is defiance, and no matter how big or small, this is what can cause harm in the wrong situation if not brought under control now.

For instance, you can tell them to go sit on a chair. They can saunter over slowly, rebelling all the way and finally plop in the chair. Yeah, they sat in the chair, but it was not done with obedience. It that how you would like them to walk out of the road when there is traffic coming?

Perhaps you ask them to put their tea party toys back in the basket and they shove them out of the way but still leave them on the floor. When you come through with a pile of laundry and trip on their toys it can hurt you and your child if they are in the way. Disobedience rarely only affects the person being disobedient. It can cause hurt and harm to others, another reason why it is so important that you get it under control right away.

What I try to do with my children (concistency is the key and sometimes I am not as consistent as I would like to be) is ask ONE time. They need to obey the FIRST time. "Hudson, please put your shoes in your shoe basket." OR "Hudson, do you need to go potty?"

If they do not respond right away, then I walk over to them, touch them to get their focus on me (hand on shoulder, hold their hand, raise their chin to meet your eyes, etc.) and make eye contact with them.

I will ask them what I asked them to do. "Hudson, what did Mommy just say to you?"

I expect them to repeat it. If they will not, I will tell them again what I asked. (If they don't repeat it or don't remember or act like they didn't hear you, etc. it can just cause a long argument about whether they heard you or they were ignoring you or that they couldn't have forgotten already, blah, blah blah, which is useless and can go on forever, so if they act like they have no idea what I am talking about, I just say it again to avoid all that.) "Mommy told you to please put your shoes in your shoe basket." OR "Hudson, Mommy asked if you need to go to the potty."

I then ask them to repeat what I just said. "What did Mommy just say to you?" They say, "Put my shoes in the basket." OR "Do I need to go to the potty." They should say something at least close to what you said. I wouldn't get into a word for word argument; they just need to understand what you expect them to do.

I then ask them if they understand what I said. "Did you understand what Mommy asked you to do?"

Their line is to say, "Yes, Mommy!" If not, maybe they really didn't know what you wanted them to do so you can explain it better. OR they are just messing with you, again defiance, so perhaps they should go sit somewhere until they are ready to go through the process. You will know the diference and if they really don't understanding what you are asking them to do.

Then they either need to answer my original question or complete the task I asked of them. "Then you need to go put your shoes in the basket, please." OR "Then please answer if you need to go to the potty."

They then answer to go do what you asked them to do. "Thank you for obeying, Hudson. You're such a blessing!" OR "Thank you for answering me!" or some other positive reinforcement and praise.

If they then won't answer or do what they were asked, I may firmly help them, like walk them to there they need to pick up their toys or whatever they were asked to do. If they resist, I will "help" them by placing thier hand on the toy and coaching them until they take over. However, if they won't take over right away and they know what's expected of them (again with the rule of 3 above) or answer me if I just asked them a question, then you are dealing with direct defiance.

The standard needs to be raised and the restriction needs to be tightened, like having them sit in a chair until they can answer politely or obey all the way, right away, and with a happy heart. You may even need to have them to go to their room for a while until they can comply. I remain calm and cheerful through the whole process. It's just business; it doen't need to become a battle. "Hudson, we'll just try again when you're ready. Please sit right here until you re ready to answer me/pick up your shoes."

There is a lot you can do if they still refuse to obey, the point is that you are not ignoring their defiance. You are training them to the acceptible standard instead of lowering yours, and they will eventually get it. The whole point of parenting is to send responsible, polite, considerate adults out into the world so it can be at least a bit better for all the effort we put into the child. If you can ask yourself how successful they will be in life if their boss asks them to do something and they ignore and refuse or if their friends ask them a question and they don't answer, then it may help you to know that how you let them behave now will play a part in how they behave in life, and people who are rude and won't follow directions don't do well in careers or relationships. That's not what you want for your beloved whipper-snapper! :) A kind, responsible, polite whipper-snapper will be beloved by everyone, not just their mommy.

The good news is that this is the perfect time for you to do this! Don't think it will be a picnic if you wait until she's a teenager. Implementing this now will make those upcoming years much, much more pleasant. Think of it as an investment of peace that you will reap when all your friend's teens are mouthy brats because they just let their sweet little ones do whatever they wanted! :) I know you can do it and wish you the best!!!

P.S. I have tons of resources if you want to contact me directly. I have already written alot, but there is so much more I can send your way that helped me immensely. (Believe me, I needed all the help I could get!) :)

yep, the terrible twos start before they're two. how you handle it will determine whether this is a passing stage or if it becomes a life long pattern. she has seen past the sing-songy attempt and it still doesn't work, it's not a coincidence, she IS ignoring you and your requests. how do you feel about it? this is your fork in the road: do you let her get away way it and open the door to other defiances and behaviours or do you open your eyes, look sternly and say, "No" "answer mommy always". and if she still doesn't answer take away whatever she was doing at the time without further explanation. remain calm, shut the tv, and go about your business. don't go head to head with her. it's like "oh no compliance, no fun thing for you"

time to start to make things her choice. "do you want to stay in the kitchen and eat or do you want to go to your room and read play with your toys?" no answer, pick her up and put her in her room, if she stays there, she doesn't want to eat, if she puts up a fit, feed her. she'll figure it out quick enough. If you give her choices (do you want to finish your TV show before you go to bed? no response, turn off the TV) all the time she'll let you know exactly what she wants and it will save you much more energy in the long run. This works through teenage years if you start young. There is a series of books called "Love and Logic" that are helpful with exercises as well. If you give them choices when it is not important you are banking up favors from them when it is important for you.

We took a parenting class called Growing Kids God's way (actually we are going thru it again now), but they teach something called First Time Obedience. Even at 22 months, these little ones know how to work the system. Maybe play a game with her and send her into another room and when you call her and she comes with a "yes, mom?" reward her (just a couple of m&ms or something), do it over and over. Then when you are done, maybe explain to her how proud you are that she is listening to you and that now that you know she CAN do it you will expect her to do it all of the time. I am a mom of five wonderful kiddos (ages 4 1/2 -13)...and I remember being floored when this actually worked for us. Of course there will be moments when she will test her boundaries, that is normal. Just don't let her manipulate you, be consistant. Hope this helps.

Okay, I taught preschool age children for several years and have also babysat and worked with toddlers. There are a few things that kids can't seem to ignore:

1. a simple finger snap: for some reason they always look up when they hear that finger snap!

2. Then I say: "Look into my eyes!" If you whisper it also helps because then they're even more curious

3. Then I tell them what I'm about to do (ask a question, give a command, etc.) "Mommy has something to ask you and I need you to answer me right away!)" or "Mommy has something for you to do, right away!" If they're holding a toy or whatever I also ask them to put it down.

4. Then I ask the question and usually get a response.

It works 9 times out of 10 for me!

I think it is unacceptable for a child to ignore a parent. It is, at least, rude, at worst (and a 22 month old child is not even close to "worst") it is disrespectful and obnoxious. I suggest you tell her calmly that you will say it once, and then she will be given a little time to think about it. "Susie, please pick up the teddy bear you just played with." "Ignoring" response so Mom walks over, picks Susie up and gently puts her in time out for a minute. Then says, again kindly, "Susie, pick up teddy so we can..." Repeat, calmly, sweetly, firmly, until Susie learns to pay attention to you.

Depending upon the personality of your child, this will make an impression immediately...or after a little time. Just avoid repeating requests (that gets so silly and undignified), and require (and give)courtesy.

I've raised 3 kids, youngest now 24, and I teach at a local college. I encourage you to keep it light hearted but make sure you are serious about compliance and about respect.

Ahhh, the terrible two's, they are a challenge that is for sure! My daughter started acting that way right before her second birthday too. I found that if I am super positive she will 'usually' respond. Also, I don't ask her, I tell her. Like I will say, "okay, let's go wash your hands, you are SUCH a good hand washer! I love it when you are such a good girl!!"
Or "What would you like to eat, here are your TWO choices. You are so big to be able to pick out what you want to eat, what a good eater you are!"
For some reason making them feel like you are so proud of them for these simple tasks can make them eager to get that positive reinforcement from you.
This helps most of the time, but terrible two's can still be a challenge!

I went through the same thing with my now 7 year old daughter when she was that age. Try having physical contact and making her look at you while your talking to her. For example I would place one hand on my daughters shoulder make her look me in the eye and then I would speak to her. When I was done I would ask her to repeat what I said. For younger ones who aren't speaking much I ask if they understand and I keep repeating myself till they say yes. This works with the little girl I babysit (she's 23 months). It took consistency and a long time to break the habit of selective hearing for my children (I think in many ways I'm still working on it-LOL). But so far this has worked the best for me, causes less stress, and is really easy to do.

Good luck!

J.,

I have to giggle because I'm in the same situation with my 23 month old. I know this too will pass. It's all about creating even more independence from us. Sad and great. At least you know she's growing and is trying to find her place. I go over and have her look me in the eye and pleasantly ask to be answered. If it's a dangerous situation, I am of course more persistant and explain to her the importance of listening to Mommy. If it has to do with picking up toys or doing somethiing I know she's avoiding that is her "job", then I go over get her attention and explain that I will take those toys away from her and she won't be able to play with them if she doesn't take care of her things. Wait till she points her finger at you and says "NO!". LOL!!!! I love being a Mom! Good luck!

First of all, don't ask her yes or no questions. Instead offer her choices. "Would you like broccoli or peas?", "Would you like to wear this dress or this shirt/shorts?", "Would you like to go potty now or in 5 minutes?" This will encourage her to talk to you.

Second, break down tasks into steps (so instead of "please pick up your toys" say, "please pick up all of the blocks and put them in the bucket."

Finally, try not to use the phrase "do you want". Trust me...this will save you headaches in the future ("I don't WANT my blankie, I don't WANT to go to bed!") You are the mom so you have the choice of either offering her a choice or telling her what to do...so for example, if you offered her a chance to go potty in 5 minutes, when 5 minutes is up, it is time to try to go potty (don't offer her another choice). Then if she doesn't do what you asked, she needs to go into time out (or whatever punishment you do). Don't get angry with her if she doesn't respond, and don't ask a second time (or do the counting thing! That just teaches her to wait until 10 (or 100!) until she obeys.) Just pick her up and put her directly in time out. Then when that is over, have her do what you originally asked her to do.

She needs to learn to listen to you the first time you say something. This is more a matter of safety then anything else. If she continues selectively ignoring you, she might just choose to do that and run in front of a car or a million other dangers out there. You need to know that she will listen to you when it counts. She needs to get used to listening for your voice and obeying the first time. It will take a little while, but if you are consistent, she will eventually learn that you mean what you say and it saves her time in the long run to listen to you the first time.

Hey J.!
Back time (14 yrs. ago)I had my Baby girl. I found that instead of "Asking" I would say "I'ts time too..." In other words.."Okay, It's time to go Pee Pee..." Or "Oooooh! It's time to pick up the toys,eat,nap, ect... It takes a little time due to you have to do the "time to's" with her and it is kinda "telling" her what to do but in the long run I think it helped with the whole not listening thing, because your right! She does hear you! HA! It also helped with learning rules and respect in the months/years ahead. After she did do what it was time to do, There was always a "Thank You Soooooo Much! with picking her up & kisses,hugs. I would then say. WOW! You did soooo good! Now what do you want to do??? This "Asking" she will listen to(because it's fun and rewarding) and eventually she will respond to all of your askings once again. Games, singing,walks,or a bowl of fruit usually is was what we did. Anyhoo, Try it! Hopes it helps and Good Luck! Esquer'

WOW..this sounds familiar..know what I did? I stopped talking and waited for her to come to me. She did, in time. She is not ignoring..she is...BUSY! she is two! she is fighting for independence...EVERYTHING must be her idea (or least she should think it is)!. so, when she's hungry she'll ask, when she wants to talk about the passing cars, she'll tell you. And when you respond she will probably say "no mommy" meaning "dont say that" or "it was a rhetorical question!" crazy making - for sure. but completely normal. What worked? talking only when absolutely necessary!
good luck and enjoy! enjoy watching your daughter struggle to find her place in the world...the "terrific two's"

a very wise and very old friend of ours was talking to me about the very same thing. of course, she was a spanker and we're not - she figured this right away when i told her he was selectively ignoring me (at the same age yours is now). she told me it was because that's exactly what i do to him when he does something i don't like... so when i do something he doesn't like, or say something he doesn't wan tto hear, he's just modeling my behavior.

a light went off in my head.

she knew i wouldn't hit him.

she told me the secret - it's a phase and they'll get past it.

what worked for us was to stop BEFORE he got into trouble. before he did something wrong - when i knew he was in that rare form (which wasn't so rare anymore)...
when i knew he was going to get into trouble... after a while i could just tell...

get to a stopping point with whatever else wasgoing on - put down baby or whatever else i'm doing -
go to him.
look him dead in the eye and say.
"i need some attention, can you come give me some?"
and then physically pick him up, give him a hug and tell him what a great hug that was and how badly i really needed that hug and then a big kiss. then talk to him for a minute about whatever was going on - redirecting his attention to a more appropriate activity.

he still gets into trouble and still has bad listening days, but the more i do this - and catch myself setting him up for good behavior and giving him plenty of attention... the better our days tend to go.

it also makes a huge difference that he's not poopy, sleepy, or hungry.

he also started putting his fingers in his mouth about this time - we started keeping plenty of cold bottles of water around.
part of the problem was later teething. those nasty big teeth coming in.

he just needed the attention and didn't know another way to get it.

best of luck.

btw - when adults have this behavior - ignoring - it's called passive aggressive.
hopefully that won't carry over.

keep us posted.
S.

Sounds just like my daughter!! I thought you were secretly filming us and writing a question about her. ;) My thinking is that my little girl, Sara, is stretching her little independent muscles. She is learning like you said selectivity. Recently, I 've come to the idea that I don't need to entertain her any more and let her have the freedom of expressing her wants and needs to me rather than me frantically trying to meet them before she asks. I feel better and she listens to me more.

wow, you have received some very good advice. still, i thought i'd share. my daughter just had tubes put in again after failing two hearing tests. now, she hears fine and i know she does and i'm learning how much she is really just ignoring me. i do a lot of things other moms have suggested such telling her to look at my face when i know there is too much stimulation. i have also noticed that sometimes i will repeat the request too many times in an effort to get her to listen and that sometimes if i just ask once and then wait she will stop what she's doing. i don't know if she just needs a minute to wrap up whatever she's doing or if the silence intrigues but sometimes that works for us. definitely not always. good luck to you and me!

this worked for me when my son was small. as the teen years crept up it worked again. i would tell him not aske him to pick up his toys. if he ignired me i would count one... tow three.. if he didnt respond by then he would lose that toy and have time out. funny thing happened onece. i counted to three and he quickly finished by saying four , five , six,. i took the toy away and wnet into my room and laughed til i teared up. but i didnt let him see me laughing. i only had to do it a couple times. when he was a teenager he didnt want to be treated like a baby so when he heard m count he quickly turned around and came back. if is was afood question, i would count to three and then put the food away and when he decided he wanted to eat i would hold it for 1/2 hour or so and ignore him the same way he did me. he didnt like that either.

Tracy K is totally right on this one. I have to do the same thing with my three year old. I can tell when he needs to go to the bathroom cus he'll be dancing around the living room and if I ask him if he needs to go potty of course I get told but if I tell him to go he will. Same thing with other little things like picking up toys and throwing things away.

Hi J.!

Have you ever thought of giving her choices? What ever it is you are trying to tell her give her choices. It can be done in a fun way or just a way that is not preachy just in the way you always interact with her. She is probly trying to feel in control. with the choices she will get what she wants and so will you. It may work for a while anyway. sometimes we just have to keep rotating our stratagies!
Marsee

Brings back memories of my strong-willed daughter. Everything had to be a choice. Would you like to put away the crayons or the books? Would you like a piece of apple or orange? If she ignored me, I would tell her that I was going to have an apple and walk away saying, "I'll be over here when you decide." She obviously is getting some "fun" behavior out of you by her actions or lack of actions. Stay calm and act like it doesn't even phase you that she is not responding. Don't sing, just ask calmly. If you need her to pick something up, ask and remind her of the sticker reward (or whatever) We had to reward every good behavior on a chart. Whenever she filled up a row with stickers, she got to have a special trip to the library or park, etc. If you think she needs to go pee-pee, tell her to let you know because you have a cute sticker for her (or M&M is what we gave for potty-training). Have some fun with it.

I HIGHLY recommend taking Love and Logic Parenting classes. I am seeing remarkable positive changes in my toddler's behavior since applying the principles/ideas I've learned through attending Love and Logic classes. You can call the Love and Logic company at 800-588-5644 to get the contact info for people who teach classes in your area.

The Love and Logic approach advocates offering many choices so they feel a sense control and it gets them thinking as opposed to fighting. They also learn critical decision making skills this way. Be firm and consistent in letting children suffer the natural (logical) consequences of their actions and choices, while doing so in a very gentle and loving way, having true empathy in your heart. My mom parented this way, and I really appreciate my upbringing. I feel she was a very effective and loving parent who helped prepare us for the real world.

If classes aren't available near you, check out some Love and Logic materials at the local library for free or buy them at www.loveandlogic.com. Here are some I recommend: a seminar on DVD "Painless Parenting for the Preschool Years," the book "Parenting with Love and Logic." They also have some great CDs full of wonderful advice and real-life applications that you can listen to in the car while driving.

Does she make eye contact? Does her other behavior and her progress to date seem OK to you and your husband? Does she respond to your husband? It's probably a "phase" but if you have real concerns have your physician check her out, especially if she seems to have regressed. Not to be an alarmist, but this is the age where autism is often first noticed. K. RN

My sister just told me a hilarous story about her grandaughter. Whenever her grandaughter ignored her mother, her mother called her Brittany( her real name is Teigan). Whenever her mother called her Brittany, the 23 month old broke out laughing and just couldn't ignore her mom anymore. Brittany is short for brittany spears.

I have a 2 1/2 year old girl and one thing I read and have used is to not ask questions all the time....actually tell them things you want them to do, etc. Instead of saying "Can we clean up our toys now?" -- say "Let's clean up so we can eat dinner or read a story (or whatever the next thing is)." Also, if she still chooses to ignore you, you can try making it more fun or enjoyable for her "Let's clean up and have your dolly help us too!" or something like that.

These are things that have helped us! Hope it helps you.

Hello,

I am probably not the first to say this, but I would HIGHLY recommend you to get her hearing tested before you think it's "selective" hearing. This is a very common age of discovered hearing loss. I, myself, have a permanent hearing loss that was discovered by my mom around two years old. She said the same thing, that I was only "selectively" hearing her. I have a rare type of hearing loss, so I only miss SOME sounds, not all, so words sound a little "jumbled" to me, rather than not hearing them at all. That would be my first recommendation for you, to go get your daughter's hearing tested at her doctor's office first. It's a really simple hearing test that will determine whether she's passed or failed. If she has failed the hearing test, she will then be referred to an ENT (Ear Nose Throat) Doctor that will determine her hearing loss more in depth. Matter of fact, I am currently watching a three year old (in home child care) that I was talking to the mother about. He mumbles a lot and rarely speaks any clear words. She was concerned and took him to the doctor to find that he had not passed his hearing test in his right ear. He is now referred to an ENT and a Speech Therapist at this point. He passed the hearing test when he was born, but due to different reasons, he no longer passes. I would start there first, and if she passes both, then I would come back for more advice at that point. Let us know what happens. I'm interested! I hope my advice has helped at least a little.

Two possibilities to consider: hearing disorder or somewhere on the autism spectrum. I had severe central auditory processing deficit and learned over time to cope with it, my eldest son was autistic and I normalized him over the years. I wouldn't consider either alarming but just to keep open to...

My daug does this too. I just get down to her level touch her and ask the question again. They are just testing their boundries. So it's important that you set clear boundries and do not let her dictate or control the situation.