Witchy and Rude Teenage Girl Friends - Ignore or Expect Better?

If you had three girlfriends over would you prefer to eat with just them, lol! I would. Alas, I am a grown up and I would have eaten with everybody but a teen should have the freedom to ask to eat alone, poor word choice, notwithstanding.

She's a great girl. Love her in the way she wants to be loved.

Pretty normal. It's not like they were rude, they just want to be teenagers and giggle and have their space, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

You are both "right" but I think the time to say something has passed. When you got the eye roll regarding Friday night, that is normal.

When she said "Sally prefers her house" the correct response was "Well that's not an option this time but she's still welcome to come over".

When she said that they didn't want to eat with the boys, the correct response was "Well the family dinner is about ready so we're going to sit down together. Next time, give me more notice and we'll order pizza or something so you all can eat after us".

I think that as long as the girls didn't say it themselves, this is a non-issue. If this is the worst attitude you've ever seen from 16 year old girls, you've got it pretty good.

My response would have been, "Oh well, too bad." After your daughter's rude statement, you were pretty nice to accommodate them by having them eat in shifts.

To me, there is nothing wrong with them wanting to eat without the boys, the problem is the way your daughter expressed it. She should have said, "Hey mom, can my friends and I eat by ourselves, please?" Not, "We don't want...blah blah."

I don't think it's rude at all for the girls to want to eat by themselves, but they need to learn how to ask politely. Don't blame the other girls, this was your daughter's rudeness. And when your daughter tries to blame things on Sally's desires, I wouldn't necessarily believe that that's the real case.

But anyway, she sounds like a pretty good girl. Just tell her to ask politely from now on.

p.s. -- It depends on the situation, but I don't think older sibs should always have to give up their social life to watch younger sibs, unless they are being paid for it.

I'm sorry but this is not a battle you want.

First, you find it rude that they didn't want to eat with the family? Ah, not really. They are 16. You are not looking at this from her perspective. She doesn't want to be around a bunch of little kids with her friends. Nothing rude about that. Stop comparing your son to your daughter and their friends. They are different.

Does she get paid when she babysits? Is she asked or told?

If this is all the issues you have with her, then count your blessings. Take a deep breath and smile!

they're beginning to assert their independence.
i'm with your husband.
this is a molehill.
khairete
S.

She is a good kid. Be happy she is hanging out with her friends at home. I understand why they wanted to eat together. Choose your battles. This is not one I would fight. They are teenagers.

I would let it go.

We have an 18.5 yr old and her friends were at our house every weekend Friday-Saturday. I always had anywhere from 1 -4 girls on a weekend night. I actually miss that now that she has moved out, into her own condo and is in college. She comes over for dinner about once a week or so, brings laundry, and we lunch together once or twice a week. Your daughter will be gone before you know it... enjoy her as best you can.

Personally, I liked it when the groups of girls would hang out at our house because I knew what they were doing. They had the entire upstairs to themselves with me checking in on occasion to make sure all was well.

It sounds like you have a good girl, she just didn't use manners the way you expected. Who really knows if the other girls wanted to eat alone or if your daughter wanted to be with her friends.

Our daughter is an only child so we didn't have other siblings to deal with but I often prepared some of their favorite meals and let them have dinner on their own in my kitchen. It wasn't a big deal to me.

I recall being resentful when I was about 16 and not being able to spend time with my friends because my mom and her friends were going out for dinner, etc and I had to babysit my brother and my mom's friend's children. Any 16 yr old will roll eyes at that option! I was not paid for babysitting either... UGH

I would not choose this as a battle to fight, there will be much bigger ones to come before your daughter gets out of high school.

Best wishes.

Let it go. My 15 year old regularly has friends over for dinner and my husband and I have never once ate with them. They hang out in the kitchen /family room area and we go upstairs. Teens need their own space.

EDIT - the nights I host girls nights at my house with my girlfriends, my husband takes our girls out until my friends are ready to leave😊. I can certainly relate to your step daughter.

I would honestly let it go. So what if her friends didn't want to eat dinner with the whole family. It's fun to have your friends over and just have some time with them. They are there to hang out with her, not her younger siblings and parents too.
As for the eye rolling and attitude, I think that its just normal 16 year old stuff. I remember doing that to my parents at that age when I had to watch my younger sister instead of going out.
I would just relax and let them have fun. Don't be so uptight!

Okay if this is the worst thing you have dealt with consider yourself lucky.
When my daughter (17) has friends for dinner they eat out on the patio, they just like to be on their own, that's all. They are polite and take their own dishes out and back in and say thank you for dinner. That's enough for me.
My son's friends were like yours, they usually ate inside with us. Teenage girls just like their privacy that's all, no need to turn it into an affront against you.
ETA: re the babysitting, be careful there. I had to babysit my younger sibs all the time and I totally resented it. I was never asked, just told, and of course I was never paid. I have had my older kids watch the younger ones from time to time, because that's part of being a family, but I have always been careful about not making it a burden. Just something to think about.

Tempest in a teacup, sorry. Your daughter was relating to you what her friends (and let's be honest, what SHE) preferred and honestly if she didn't feel the same way there's no way they could have forced her to say something. I don't think her requests were unreasonable.

I remember being her age and having responsibilities like babysitting my kid brother. I lost out on summers during the days, so my parents let me have weekends in their entirety unless there was a family function that we were all responsible for attending. I was NEVER responsible for my kid brother on weekend nights because it wasn't a fair expectation. I don't think it's fair of you to expect if of your daughter either. If she offered to babysit, then that's different. But I do hope you're paying her either way.

These girls are looking for some independence and I don't think it's unreasonable if they ask for a little bit of privacy and separation. Not every meal has to be a family meal at this point if every other meal is one. Why couldn't her friend time be just that? FRIEND time?

And what you also need to recognize is that her friend/s aren't being so rude that they're not listening to your daughter when she tells them that things won't go the way they'd like. They're going along with the plans. That tells me that these are pretty decent girls.

Your husband is right.

when i was 16 at sleep overs we usually ate pizza from the box in a bedroom. I understand that you like sitting down and having formal dinners but during sleep overs (especially with more than just one girl) I wouldn't expect them at the table.

It's rude and although it might be typical for some I hate it when rude behavior is just accepted or excused.
('Boys will be boys' irks me just as much.)
I might have come back with 'This is what is for dinner and this is when we are having it. Show up and eat, or don't show up and go without.' and anyone who is miffed about eating with the family would not be invited back.
I'd cut back on overnights in general.
I know teens crave independence but they are going to have plenty of that in a few years and I don't have to put up with any crappy attitude from guests in the mean time.

Dang. How long is dinner? Forty minutes max? They were not going to be sentenced to hours!
The reason that it's important is so that you can get a feel on her friends. Oh heck yes, it's important.
I agree with B.

I think you should let the dinner thing go.

You already kept her home as a babysitter one night during the weekend - so of course, she wanted alone time with her friends.

It sounds like you don't like her friends, especially the one you called Sally.

She is 16 - normal age when children start expressing a desire to be apart from their parents. It is a part of growing up.

Yup sounds typical. And actually the friends were not rude to you- they just tried to work it with your daughter, and for all you know your daughter was in agreement and not being manipulated at all. In both situations they decided amongst themselves what they preferred and had your daughter do the asking. Did any of these girls show up with actual attitude to your face? Or were they polite and gracious in their interactions to you? I think you are reading to much into it and also holding your daughter to a bit of a high standard. I don't blame her for asking to eat with her girlfriends in her room. I don't blame her for being a little bit salty at having to stay at her house because she is expected to be responsible for her brothers. I also don't blame you at all for holding your line and saying "no, sorry, you guys will have to stay at our house" or "no sorry, I want you all to come out to the table for dinner with everyone else". I would request the same of my daughter. But I also don't blame the girl for trying.
And really, that's how your daughter learns what's rude and what's not. She asks, you answer. Now she knows. Sorry it is accompanied with a little teenage eye-rolling, I think they just can't help it. She sounds like a good kid and probably has good friends. Let it go.

I'm gonna be honest, there wasn't any rudeness going on. Whats rude about Sally preferring her house? Of course they both prefer her house, she has no siblings. Forget the size of it, she has no little people around getting in the way of a girls night...um, isn't that how adults feel at times? Only we're talking teenagers who are a little self centered to begin with. Most outgrow it, I promise.

Here's how it worked in my house. I've raised 4 to adulthood and have 4 more coming up on the tween years. Lord help me, I must be a glutton for punishment :)

Friday and Saturday nights were my kids nights to do what they pleased with (within reason of course). Yes, they babysat, for free during the week on occasion, we're a family and we band together. However, Fridays and Saturdays were paid working days on the off chance I needed them, and they were almost always given at least two weeks notice. Not always, but most of the time. Saturday, and Sunday days were for chores and any family activities I had planned.

As for eating together. I always found my boys friends to be happy eating anything, anywhere, it was food, you could serve it in the dog house and they'd be happy to come along. So don't compare the kids, they are different people, different genders, and have different friends. Which means you will have different interactions with the kids.

Sorry but I agree with Hubby it is def teenage girl stuff. Also, many teenage girls do not like to eat in front of people other than their own families or friends. Please let it go.

Could you have a calm conversation with her at a time before a sleepover is being planned? I'd address it as genuinely as I could: "you know, I was really surprised that you were asking for your friends to eat separately from the family. I'd sort of expected that we would all eat together instead of me having to serve two separate shifts. So, in the future....." then, state what you would like to have happen. Give her a suitable alternative which works for you. That could be "in the future, if you want to do that, why don't you girls set up a card table in the other room... but you'll need to be responsible for making sure that your table is set, you have all the stuff you need, etc. Be sure that if you want butter or (condiment) that you make a dish of it for your own table, etc."

Give her reasonable expectations which ensure that she can do this without interrupting your regular family meal. This means they set their table AND clear their table/put it away, etc. Show her where those items are and then, let her decide if she wants to go to the work of arranging things or will just graciously sit and eat.

Yes, her friends are being petty, but I don't think arguing that with her (esp at this age) will help, so instead, give her some guidelines around her choices. Maybe when she has to do all the work of setting up herself and clearing up, she will learn that it IS work. So, accommodate without being over-accommodating. :)

ETA: I do agree on cutting back on sleepovers (maybe limit one per weekend); also, maybe since she is doing some babysitting for you, it might be fun to give her a nice treat sometime-- if she is mature enough to be watching the kids, she should be treated like it. If she is not being paid to babysit and still has to adjust her social life, consider some 'treats' to show your appreciation. Yes, the friends were stinky and demanding, but try to put yourself in her shoes-- I think it's hard to be a teen, wanting to be 'cool' with ones friends and not wanting to upset the parents.

In about two years she'll be 18. Start pushing her away now - by then it just might stick!! Good technique....

I won't retype the posts below, but I agree with them. You're seeing rudeness where none exists.

If you cooked extra dinner, I'm sorry you went to that trouble - next time just order a pizza for her and her friends.

And, maybe you could THANK her for watching her younger siblings on Saturday, rather than taking away her "fun time" on Saturday night AND Sunday night?

This is very very typical. From the not wanting to be at home, not wanting to babysit, and not wanting her friends to hang out at dinner time with her little siblings and parents, it is all perfectly normal. Think back to when you were a teen, did you like being forced to babysit your younger siblings? For free? Whenever your parents decided you had to? I mean after all, she did not give birth to them. And think back, did you find your parents embarrassing? Your younger siblings annoying? Most teens do.

Of course you need to set the ground rules for what you will and will not allow, and if family dinner is something that is very important to you then talk to her and let her know that family dinner is not negotiable and that in the future if her friends don't want to join then they need to come over after dinner.

But in the end you need to understand that she is becoming a young woman and wants to be more independent. Let her grow up. She sounds like a good kid, and her friends sound like good kids. Count your blessings.

I didn't read the other responses, but there is a very real possibility that your daughter is putting words into her friends' mouths. If you didn't personally hear any of those statements from her friends, you might want to assume that your daughter is using your friends as scapegoats.

I'm totally against rude entitled teen girls, don't get me wrong, but you need to take the annoyance out of the equation if you want to state your expectation on this.

They probably had no idea it was rude if they call the shots in their homes or didn't think you'd care. It's not a universal rule that the only polite way to eat is to eat all at one table. Lots of "company" dinners have kids separate from adults etc. It's not like they showed up to the table and gave you attitude, they just asked your daughter to ask you if they could eat separately.

If you want "better behavior" going forward-as in behavior you find appropriate in your home-you need to tell your own daughter how to enforce it. Them: "Can we eat separately, we don't want to eat with the boys" Your daughter: "Actually the rules here are eating all together." Period. Done. I doubt any further drama would ensue and if it did they could never come over again.

Also, you sound pretty annoyed with the only child from the huge house, but in the end, she did come over to your house for babysitting, and they were fine, so again, you're offended everyone would rather go to her house, but no one meant to offend you. I GET it, I may feel the same way, but you have to let it go when it didn't amount to any offense. When I was little, I had a rich friend and I loved going over to her huge house too.

If you want the teen girls to dine with you in the future, just state it that way to your daughter and to them. "I'd love us to all have dinner together, I'm serving the whole group if you'd like to join us." And don't feel bad when you say no to their demands, ever.

The worst option is to "cave" and then feel angry or assume they meant to be rude. And if you know them well enough to know that they really are just rude girls, then maybe your step daughter needs less overnights and dinners with them. When I was 16 I had two jobs outside of school and hardly any social time.

If that is the worst thing you have to deal with from your daughter and her friends, consider yourself lucky. If you have certain expectations, then communicate them....ahead of time. That's all--no big deal. "These are the rules in our house when company is here. If you don't like it, don't have company over." But then be prepared to not have company over and have your daughter elsewhere all the time.

When kids are having a sleep over we let them have pizza or something and eat in the family room while watching a movie or something. We eat without them. I think that's what's normal.

I'd have not expected them to eat with your family at all.

Okay so they are fussy Teens.
They are a world unto themselves.
Have/need independence etc.
Fine.

But this is also your home.
You also have other kids.
That just is.
When my daughter has friends over, (she is the older one and they are Tweens), they may not want to be around my son. They may say it to me or my daughter. Fine.
But, at certain times, there are meals. It is not a restaurant where everyone gets their own table.
And I have another kid. It just is. I tell the girls "This is my son, you are all together with each other. And you are doing what you want together, here. BUT, I cannot just get rid of my son. To suit you. And you cannot just ostracize him, because you think boys are icky. He lives here. So deal with it." But with that I tell them, that they DO have their own time together, separately and my son does not bother them. They KNOW that. In fact, they are the ones that make it complicated. I tell them that. And that, at CERTAIN times, everyone in the house, is around. It is a family. Not their own apartment. And except when EVERYONE is eating and it is time to eat, they can simply deal with it. THEN they can go back, to being off by themselves.
And I do not let... the other girls or my daughter, "insult" my son. He is younger. They need to learn how to deal with that. If they think they are so much more mature.
I tell them, that. They are guests. I tell them that.

I always have tons of kids here. We are play date central.
But, I do not let, kids with persnickety attitudes, to determine things.

Acting like that, is NOT "typical girl attitude."
And no matter what age, I will tell them, bluntly.
Of all my daughter's friends, only 1 is like that. But I kindly tell her, stop it.
And my daughter will, stick up for her brother.

I think you are over-reacting.
While I as a teenager wouldn't have said anything, I was terrified of my step-dad who beat in to us to respect all adults, and all be 100% grateful respectful and joyful or we were gonna get it!
That said, the girls didn't say to YOU that they didn't want to eat with you, it was verbalized to your daughter. And by all accounts, most teens girls or boys probably would prefer to just hang out and eat with their friends at a sleepover instead of hanging out with the whole family. Maybe it was just awkward for them.
Not a big deal, really.

Things turned out like you needed them to on the night your daughter and the one friend had to stay at your house. So...why so much ire? You said no, they stayed at your place, it was fine. I doubt that the friend in question moaned and complained about it all night and the next day, since you say they had fun. So why are you still hung up on it?

As for the other time, with more girls present: I would not expect a group of kids to relish eating with the family. That's like saying, "It's your slumber party but the family has to be part of it too." This wouldn't even have come up with us because we would already have offered for the girls to do their own thing. We have very rarely had sleepovers but when we do, I let my daughter and her friend(s) top their own mini pizzas and eat them on old blankets on the floor while they watch a movie. I guess if kids are in the house for the night very frequently I could see enforcing a "You must eat like family, with the family" rule, but honestly, unless it's frequent, what's the big deal?

Your own kid sounds great. Appreciate that and focus less on the other girls. They did not argue with you, did they? They told their friend, your daughter, what they thought and she told you. You said no when you wanted and made a compromise another time. Issue over. Unless your own daughter really argued and whined and was way out of line with you, why is this a big deal now that it's over? At least your child asked you about it rather than announcing, "We're going to Sally's instead" as she walked out the door.

I don't think it's a big deal. I can see where teenaged girls would rather have their own, "private" dinner. And the girl(s) did not say that to you. They apparently expressed it to your daughter and why shouldn't they. They are friends and friends should tell each other how they feel. What was it she should have said to them? Do they not have the right to voice their opinion or state what they want or don't want. They didn't say it to you; they weren't rude to you and they didn't hurt the younger children's feelings. And how do you "manage" friends? Do you want your daughter "managed" by her friends?

Consider you didn't get that from the older boy's friends because 1) if they felt it, they said it to your son, not you, just like the girls did; or 2) because those boys were having dinner with a young girl (your daughter)!