Paying a Babysitter Etiquette Question

"We'd love to go out to XXXX for drinks and a meal. Can we meet up around XXpm?"

As for babysitting family, if they don't want to pay her to do this I'd probably give her some money for it but I'd also let her know this is a wonderful opportunity for her to spend some time with her family, not look at it like work but that she's building a relationship with family.

I'd have replied, "No, she hasn't offered to do that. I will ask her, but no promises."

That makes your position clear and hands the ball to your daughter, to whom it rightfully belongs. She needs to know that she has absolutely no obligation to watch her cousin at all. If she wants to do it, fine. If she wants to do it for free, fine. If she wants to do it but only for pay, that is also fine. She can set her rate and your SIL can take it or leave it.

Relatives are never obligated to provide care - free or not - to anyone's kid.

"Hey, let's set a date for dinner next weekend. Daughter said she'd be happy to babysit if she's free and to text her so you can discuss her hourly rate and times. Looking forward to our double date!"

I'd set it up and if they paid her that's great. If they didn't I'd pay her out of my own pocket. Sometimes its stupid little things like this that drive huge wedges in family relationships. Be the bigger person and shoulder the responsibility if they don't cough up the cash. It'll be better in the long run.

'That sounds great. Of course I will need to check that that fits into her babysitting schedule/other commitments and find out her going rate'. Of course she should be paid. I would not expect to be paid if I watched my sister's kids occasionally, but I would certainly expect my son to be paid for the same.

I would probably say that you'd love to get together once a month but your daughter is so busy that you couldn't guarantee she'd be available. If you are planning on a date and your daughter is available to babysit, say something like:
"Oh great, Susan is available to babysit that night, she'll love making a little extra money!"

I would keep your plans and your daughters babysitting totally separate. You could say it like this "Hey, I'd really like us to plan our first dinner out with you. Can you suggest some dates that work for you? Also, you asked if Jane could babysits. She would love to watch your kids when we go out, or other times you need a sitter as well, if it fits her schedule. She's old enough that she keeps her own schedule, so if you decide to ask her, you can coordinate directly with her. Her number is XXX and as you know she charges $XX per hour."

ETA: For the record, if my sister and niece are at my house, we are all hanging out for the day, and my sister and I run to the grocery store together to pick up something for dinner, I don't pay my niece for the hour or less that she's in charge. Because in reality, if she wasn't there, I would just take the kids with me to the store. It's not a real "call a babysitter" situation. But if my sister and I are going "out" out (a concert, dinner, etc), then that is a real babysitter situation, and I pay her for her time, just like any other babysitter.

Wow they way she said that ....it seems intentional...but without tone or history I'm wondering what was your reaction? I also wonder ...could this have been a way to get out of a once a month date?

Why don't you and your brother work on your relationship- leave the spouses out of it - first. You guys could meet for coffee once a month or something that you both enjoy

Updated

Wow they way she said that ....it seems intentional...but without tone or history I'm wondering what was your reaction? I also wonder ...could this have been a way to get out of a once a month date?

Why don't you and your brother work on your relationship- leave the spouses out of it - first. You guys could meet for coffee once a month or something that you both enjoy

Sorry... I was typing my answer and it randomly posted before I was done.

That's quite an assumption for them to expect free babysitting. Have they paid her in the past? They should have.

I might set a date and give them your daughters number and tell them to call her to see if she's available and discuss rates.

I never expected anyone to babysit for me and not get paid. That's just not how I work.

I realize you're trying to mend fences here so I'd be gentle with remarks. If they do shaft her then I would personally pay her.

I would let it be known that she babysits for extra cash when her schedule permits her to do so. She should not be a part of the package.

This might be the time to teach your daughter that you do things for family because they're family and you don't expect to be paid for it. This is why kids have entitlement issues - they are not taught to do something for anyone without expecting something in return. Time for a life lesson.

Paying her yourself isn't a bad idea once or twice to get the ball rolling and then hopefully repair your relationship. Then she can just not be free often after that. She's 16... But we visit family once a year and if my oldest niece babysits our kids, I pay her and I pay her well!! Not her obligation to provide me with free childcare unless I had done a ton of babysitting for her family over the years so her parents feel they owe me somehow. In families without a lot of money, I'm sure childcare is often swapped. But you say your brother has money and it doesn't sound like they babysat your kids so not fair to your daughter to make her provide free childcare for their kids. I think your SIL's comment was obnoxious by the way and doesn't bode well for the future...

Honestly, if the relationship is important to you and there has been tension, pay your daughter yourself. If you're trying to fix a strained relationship, I would assume that you asking them to pay your daughter would make it look like you're trying to find work for her.

Now if you don't have younger kids that also need to be babysat, maybe you could offer to pay every other month? I don't know...it's a family thing, a couple of hours, I kind of think it should just be done for family.

You mention that your daughter has already babysat for them a time or two? Did they pay her then? If so, I would reasonably expect that they would pay her for this, too. However, if they don't after this outing, I would pay her out of my own pocket (I won't get into whether she should do it for free because it is family or not). However, at that point, I wouldn't expect to be able to make a monthly "date" out of it if your daughter isn't getting some kind of compensation (it really doesn't have to be money - they could reciprocate in other ways). Just be honest, if they don't pay her the first time, just mention when they try to set another date up that it would be best to find a way to spend time together that doesn't require a sitter since your daughter is really busy and can't do a ton of "pro bono" babysitting.

Good luck!

You and your brother's relationship is separate from your daughter's relationship with them. It is also separate from her relationship with the cousin.

I know some families see this as a bonding experience for all. But those families know how to reciprocate to each other. It does not sound like you and your brother have that type of family dynamic.

I think it is wrong to put this on your daughter, unless she herself volunteers.

I would just confirm the date/ time with your brother and then say 'you are not sure about your daughter's availablility or rates but here is her number to contact her'.

When we used to visit with my BIL, his daughter was 4 years older then my oldest. She used to watch/ play with all the kids ( her sis and my 3) so we could visit.

Her mother would even volunteer her to watch the kids so that the four of us could go out to dinner, etc. I was not comfortable putting this responsibility on her daughter when it was supposed to be a visit, so we never did. I approached the mother about paying the oldest daughter for watching the kids, and the mom said no that it was part of her job being the oldest. So I would spend xxxxtra on her and her sis at holidays and birthdays.

Well now the mom's brother has kids (11 year age difference) and started paying the oldest to watch his kids when visiting.....guess where they go all the time now?

There are other issues with this side of the family, but this is one that I regret not having more clear expectations.

So yes, I think you are right to think about this and defining boundaries.

i never expect my family to pay me for babysitting. i baby sat for my cousins often but never expected anything for it.so i will be of no help to you. if you want your daughter paid for babysitting and your brother does not pay her then you could just pay her yourself...and not let it become a wedge between you and your brother.

If your daughter is not paid in cash she should receive some kind of pay in the form of a ticket to a concert for babysitting for several occasions. Yes, it is family but it should not be assumed that she is not paid for her time. This, too, could drive a wedge between the siblings especially the tone that the wife interjected about the daughter watching their child. Of course, she could always say no and be busy when it is time for you guys to go out.

I agree with TF on this one. I would not expect my child to watch someone else's just "because" they are family.

the other S.

Nope, I'd not throw my daughter under the bus by offering her as a baby sitter, free or otherwise.
It sounds like your brother and wife are users - they'll see you but only if there's something in it for them.
Not the greatest way or reason to connect with family.
Why do you want to be closer with these people?
Just sharing set of parents is not reason enough for me to want to bend over backwards and whistle Dixie so a sibling will spend more time with me.
Sometimes siblings grow apart - and sometimes there are very good reasons for it.

I don't know how I'd word that (sorry). If it was a matter of them using your daughter as a sitter to do things without you, then yes - they should contact her themselves and set that stuff up.
If it were me, I'd have them drop their daughter at your house a night your daughter is already going to be home, and then have dinner out. It's only a few hours at most. That's what we do in our family. We never pay.
If your daughter feels it's more like child care than spending time with a cousin - then you can certainly pay her. I just think that might go over better than asking for payment from your brother. Good luck :)

Knowing how difficult and expensive it is for parents of young children to go out for an evening without children I would offer to supply the babysitter if I really wanted to go out for an evening with these people. That would mean either asking your daughter to do it for free, because that is what family does, or paying her myself.

I'm kind of in the camp that she shouldn't expect, doesn't necessarily "deserve" to be paid. However, I'm very close with my family and so we don't really pay the cousins, aunts/uncles to babysit, even the teens, and everyone rolls with it cuz that's how we are and family helps each other. Plus it's sort of a right of passage. I will admit your situation is slightly different since you are trying to rebuild your relationship.

I guess I would do this...(as someone else suggested), write back and say oh I hadn't asked her to babysit but I'll see if she's free. Then proceed to find out if your daughter is free. If she is, then I would ask your daughter to do it and not expect to be paid. She is watching her cousins so you can all have a fun night out. There is nothing wrong with that. Is your daughter an only child? If so maybe you've never been faced with the opportunity to have siblings be caretakers for a bit. It's really not out of the question to ask her to step up and help out all in the name of love! :)

I think a key word in your husband's comment is "commit to going out", and anyone with little kids knows that's hard to commit to anything. Either they can't get a sitter, the sitter cancels, or someone gets the stomach bug.

So it's POSSIBLE that your SIL was thinking that your daughter as sitter would guarantee that the date would occur. It's hard to know if your SIL expected your daughter to a) sit for free or b) even have you cover the dinner (She said, "What a treat" so I hope she's not implying that you should treat them to the meal or the sitting - but then again, you have to be sure that what was said didn't amount to an invitation where the one doing the inviting does the paying.

I think you are right to question whether you are overthinking this whole thing - but I understand it's hard to figure it out when you have a difficult relationship with them and everyone is trying either to NOT offend the other or to look for reasons to continue to be offended. But since you are saying that you hate the growing distance and it seems to be your initiative (with your husband) to see more closeness, you may have to make more of the first move.

I think you should sit down with your daughter and establish some ground rules about what you expect and don't expect from her in terms of family harmony. If her donating her time or you paying her would establish a precedent, it's best not to go down that road. It's also fine to say one of the simple sentences suggested below, along the lines of "I'll ask her and find out her rate" but that puts you in the middle. Best to say, "It's probably easiest for you to make your own babysitting arrangements with her or anyone else so you can discuss timing and rates" or "I don't handle Susie's calendar - she's 16 and makes her own schedule." Maybe they assume you will drive the sitter right to them and bring her home, but that's only if the dinner date is in their neighborhood. What if it's near you or halfway in between?

So I'd stay out of it re the babysitting, and be careful how you word your invitation. "Would you like to meet us at XYZ Restaurant? I read and review and am anxious to try it." If they have a better suggestion, fine. You can alternate on who chooses the restaurant. If she asks about sitting, pause and breathe. You don't have to answer right away. It's okay to be surprised and to wait a moment, then say, "Gee I have no idea what Susie's plans are for that night. She's always so busy with her friends and her babysitting jobs, I can't keep track." Then say nothing more. If, somehow, Susie gets roped into babysitting and if they don't pay her, then she's absolutely not available the next time. "Sorry, I have plans for that night. Hope you can find a sitter."

Good luck - let us know how it works out.

Paying her yourself should not be an option. I paid my stepmother to watch my daughter.

For them to assume that baby sitting is part of the deal is just silly, family or not. I would give then her contact informatiom and see if it works for her. Would you volunteer her to mow their lawn...I doubt it. I would never committ my daughter to this.

She could easily be sitting for a family that pays. This is awfully assuming on your brother's part.

I have a very different relationship with my brother (we are very close). He has 2 girls that are babysitting age--and I have 3 boys that would need to be babysat. If we lived closer (we live 1000 miles apart), his girls would NEVER expect to be paid. I, however, would pay them!

What is most important? Strengthening your relationship or your daughter getting paid? I would plan the outing. If it actually happens, just see what happens with the babysitting money. If they don't pay, then decide how you'll go forward--either daughter will hang out with her cousin for free or she just won't be available the next time y'all go out.

I'm with tadpole. Your daughter can't expect to be paid in this situation. They are family and it is for your benefit as well. If you feel that she deserves to be paid, then you pay her out of your pocket and don't mention it to your brother.

I agree that this can be a kind of akward situation that you also don't want to bring your daughter into. This might be too passive of a way to go about it, but you could go on the assumption that they are planning to pay her, and if for some reason they don't, which my guess is they will, you could bring it up next time and just pay her yourself that one time.
In the past, did they not pay her? If that's the case, then I would maybe bring it up. You also might consider having her not get paid since it is her cousin and as long as its only occasionally, she can live with just doing something nice for her family.

We don't usually pay my SIL or my mom. We do pay our niece. I think if you think she should be paid, then you/she should broach it. Presumably your daughter also has a life and things of her own to do, so you could also suggest x other teenager you know at the same time. "If Jenny's not available, Carly often is. Their usual rate is $10 an hour."

What I always tried to keep in mind is that neither my stepkids nor my niece are required to care for my child. Family or not, it's something I ASK, not expect. You could also say, "If you would like her to babysit, you can ask her directly if she's available" and then tell your daughter it is OK to say what her usual rate is when she confirms her availability. If she's not watching her siblings, then you shouldn't pay her on their behalf. They should either pay her or find another sitter that fits their budget.

family dynamics are all so different (and so often fraught with peril, as this one is.) it's hard for us to tell without tone and context whether she was simply delighted, and hoping your awesome daughter would be available for the going rate, or if this was a fishing expedition hoping for free babysitting services, or a passive-aggressive way to duck out altogether.
i'm always guilty of taking most things at face-value. since i'm not particularly subtle or sensitive (or passive-aggressive, for that matter) it's very hard for me to detect it in others. so my response would be something along the lines of 'terrific! we're free on the 3rd and 4th saturdays, what's your schedule like? i can't speak for maryrose, she's deep into teenage activities, but i'll be happy to check with her and find out her going rate.'
if you're really concerned that they're just trying to take advantage (in which case i'm not sure that pursuing this relationship bodes well) i'd take her right out of the picture. you don't want her stuck in the middle. 'sorry to say that maryrose has taken babysitting off her agenda- she's just too dang busy with school, dance and riding lessons and is running with her tail straight out already.'
or better yet, 'maryrose won't be able to help- do you have someone else you use?'
or pay your daughter yourself.
or ask your daughter if she'd be willing to donate her services. it's a nice thing to do for family, although it's something i'd be more likely to suggest due to someone's tight finances than someone just being cheap.
but i'm not at all sure that your SIL meant any such thing. she may just have been delighted at the prospect of spending some time with you AND having her niece spend time with her cousins, right?
i hope so, anyway.
good luck!
khairete
S.