When to Nudge, Push, Back Off?

Personally, I think that at this age, as soon as something stops being fun, they should stop doing it. Now, I don't mean _the moment_ something stops being fun, but if you (and she) have given something what you would consider a "good faith effort" and she (and you) aren't enjoying it, it's time to quit. She has a lifetime left to do things that she _has_ to do. Let her enjoy what she wants to do for now.

Good luck.

I think whether or not a child is "gifted", this is something lots of parents grapple with and it comes down to personal comfort. I have a friend who is always pushing her kids. Maybe they'll be more "successful" than mine, maybe not. I just don't want to live like that and am more comfortable not pushing. So I think it's something you'll have to decide for yourself. But at age 4, there's lots of time and probably better to not push too much at this age. My youngest tended to go off on her own a lot at 4 versus join a group. Now at 5, she's much more outgoing. Things change a lot.

Hi Jen, i don't think you should let her lead at four, gifted or not she still has a lot to learn about a lot of things, I have a daughter who is now 21, i have always encouraged her as well has my sons to always be your best, do your best, and don't limit yourself. My oldest son and my daughter (The youngest) challenge themselves very well my middle child not much at all, You and your husband are her biggest role models and play the biggest part of her life, what you do in your life and how you do, is what she will learn. Pushing her to do her best is not a bad thing if you do it in an encouranging way. I read the book growing strong daughters, it was good, i didn't agree with the entire book, but it helped me with how i raised my daughter. J.

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Hi Jen, i don't think you should let her lead at four, gifted or not she still has a lot to learn about a lot of things, I have a daughter who is now 21, i have always encouraged her as well has my sons to always be your best, do your best, and don't limit yourself. My oldest son and my daughter (The youngest) challenge themselves very well my middle child not much at all, You and your husband are her biggest role models and play the biggest part of her life, what you do in your life and how you do, is what she will learn. Pushing her to do her best is not a bad thing if you do it in an encouranging way. I read the book growing strong daughters, it was good, i didn't agree with the entire book, but it helped me with how i raised my daughter. J.

I'm not sure if I'm understanding your message correctly, and forgive me if I'm not, but I feel the same as you. My family has never encouraged me to "go for it" and not be afraid of a "challenge", or be afraid of who I am, or be afraid of being the center of attention. My parents never encouraged me to go to college either. School was really hard for me because I lacked the self confidence. My parents were never entertainers either. They didn't have a lot of people around them. They know a lot of people, but one or two friends at a time was good for my mom. My step dad on the other hand, he's a social butterfly. lol I gained a little bit of confidence as I grew into adulthood and from working.

Now, to address your question....I'm like you. I'm not that way, but I want my boys to experience a variety of social and intellectual encounters and I want them to be leaders and not followers (like me and their dad). I want them to be surrounded by friends. How do we teach our kids to be leaders, when we're followers, or laid back people with no variety of social skills ourselves? I think parenting is one of the toughest jobs there is.

I think if you praise your daughter and be encouraging with whatever she wants to do, or encourage her to find out answers to any questions she has, it will help provide her with the confidence and self esteem, and she will take her own path as she gets older. I'm not sure if I'm wording this right. For me, I hope my husband and I provide enough of that to help our boys become a lot more confident than my husband and I were growing up.

May be the next time a challenge comes your way, get your daughter involved (given the situation), and she will see that her mom took that challenge head on, and she will follow your example. Hmmmm....I think I just answered for myself too. :-) Funny how that happens sometimes huh.

Hope this helps. Sorry for the ramble. :-)

Talk about the eternal question... <grin>... or at least it is in our house.

For myself... I have no answer. Merely, trial and error. Oy. And a LOT of error. One thing that has proven true in our ADHD/2e household... I only "push" when it's completely and totally unimportant AND I know kiddo will succeed at it (aka to build faith that courage will be rewarded) OR when it's life or death (like swimming, holding hands when crossing the street).

Ultimately, you 'know' your child and their cues.
You know, their personality and disposition.
You go by that.
You also sure, expose them to things, life, concepts, experiences, that are enjoyable or different. "Enjoyable" being the key word.
Nurturing their own talents and interests too.
Teaching them to not be 'perfect' or only according to their 'smartness' ...but according the KNOWING themselves. BEING themselves.
For my kids, teaching them to be 'themselves'... has now at their ages, promoted children that is very self-assured and they do really know themselves, quite well. They have good self-image and feelings about themselves.
I always taught them to be themselves.... and with that, they are really self-assured and 'happy.'
I did not concentrate, only, on how "smart" they were... but that they 'try their best...." and work toward something. THAT being the 'enjoyment' once the complete something. It is very fulfilling...

This is a good article as well
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Another thing is, interaction with others her age.
Doing creative things... exploration, hiking, problem-solving fun things, experiments. So that they 'learn' self-reliance and problem-solving in fun ways and by hands-on, learning.

Make "challenges" fun. Not that it 'has to be' done in only 1 way. Because the 'lesson' of it... is not necessarily getting the answer 'right'... but formulating other ways of thinking, other ways of figuring things out.. and that there are MANY MANY ways, of doing the same thing.
Some people, don't try... because they don't want to be wrong or think they have to be 'perfect.' But that is not the 'lesson' about it or life... it is about creative thinking and exploring MANY ways, of doing something.
Also, cultural differences... is great for children.

My daughter is 8. For example, my Husband who is going to school... he SHOWS her what he is studying and the concepts of it online... show her his books etc. AND she is interested. She thinks it is very... interesting. SHE even learned some advanced math, this way. And she learned about the environment and about her body that way. We know her... and what will take or not. What she can handle or not. And how to promote "curiosity."

Curiosity.. .is really a seed... that helps a person learn many things.

Just make things FUN for her.
And about the 'process' of it. Not that she is correct or not. Often.... when making 'mistakes', this is a GREAT 'opportunity' for a child to learn....

all the best,
Susan

Every child is different and responds to different kinds and levels of encouragement/direction. There is no one ideal way to be. If you encounter resistance to a challenge, regardless of its "type" (e.g., intellectual, emotional, social), is it because of reticence, fear, laziness, apathy, disinterest? All those possibilities will necessarily inform how you, as the parent, respond. As the adult and her mother, it is up to you to determine whether or not it really matters at this point whether she meets that challenge now, defers it until later, or drops it altogether.

I know where you are coming from. My daughter has been tested and is officially "gifted". What I have done from Day 1 is expose her to everything. Museums, art classes, outdoor trails where she could learn as we hike around. 2nd languages are also great for gifted children. My daughter is learning 4 because of my husband who is Chinese, and speaks to her in all 4 languages. We also have games that target learning. She has a game of the states as well as a bunch of card games played like go fish, but they are math based. We started jr scrabble at 4 and started playing the grown up version at 6. Learning can be so much fun, and at a young age and gifted, they tend to want to learn as much as they can. If your child has been tested and is gifted, there are also a bunch of books towards parenting the gifted child. It is not just a case of having a "smart" kid, it is a lifestyle with its ups and downs. Good luck.

Jen,

Need more details?

Blessings...

Some of what you seem to be asking is discussed from a fresh and helpful perspective here: How NOT to Talk to Kids, by Po Bronson: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

Mr Bronson and and Ashley Merryman have expanded on that theme in the new book Nurture Shock, New Thinking About Children, a surprising exploration of why so much of what we believe about raising kids is just plain wrong. I'm finding this a provocative and inspiring read!

Not sure what you are really asking. I think most everyone feels their child is "gifted" at 4. My son can read, knows all his numbers, and can tell time. Not to say he is gifted, but any child can be advanced if you spend time with them.

I think one way to get her to "go for it" is to join a group of kids her age. Who knows? You might make some friends and feel the urge to "go for it", too.

Good luck.

When we are at home I am always guiding her (shes 6). When we are in public I back off to see how she does, especially if she is with her peers. She usually does fanastic when she knows other people are watching. Sometimes she really surprises me at what she can and is willing to do. She makes me proud. Much braver kid than I ever was.

The honest truth is that there are some things you won't know if you did right or wrong until later. So you do the best you can, make adjustments when you need to and hope for the best.