How do you handle when you see your kid being taken advantage of? My child is 5 and is smaller than most of his friends. I don't know if they are being mean or just taking advantage of how small he is. He also is incredibly sweet and doesn't want to hurt anyones feelings, so he just puts up with them lugging him around. He always has this look on his face that he's going to cry because they wont let go of him. Also, why don't other mothers say anything to there children when they see this behavior from their kids. I always have to be the one saying, can you please get your kid off mine!?
Also, I try not to interfere and let him work it out for himself but I don't want him to think this behavior is acceptable. We discuss this all the time and I try to explain the difference in playing and playing rough. I just worry that this behavior will cross over into something worse in the future. I just don't understand why parents let their kids act this way right in front of them and nothing gets said.
Hi K.,
Stop intervening and tell him that if he wants them to leave him alone, he has to let them know! Get him involved in tai kwan do or martial arts--for self-dicipline, self-esteem etc and how to protect himself. He needs these skills before going to Kindergarten! Get moving on it now so he is well prepared.....GL
M
My daughter and her friends (1st grade) do the same thing - they constantly try to pick each other up. I didn't realize how often this happened until her birthday party and there were 15 girls hugging each other and trying to pick each other up. All I can figure is it's some kind of weird but harmless competition/comparison thing. Regardless, if your son doesn't like it he needs to say no and he needs to do it until they stop with you stepping in as needed. These kids need to learn to respect boundaries.
He's 5 years old...he needs to learn to voice his opinion and whether or not he likes something that is happening to him..
I most certainly DO intervene if I see my kids doing something I don't like...I ask them - are you treating him the way YOU want to be treated? If the answer is No - usually is - then they stop.
I would go up to the other kids and simply ask them - are you treating him the way you want to be treated? If their answer is no? then tell them they need to stop...
Tell your son it's OKAY to SAY NO!!!! It's OKAY to stand up for himself...he can still be sweet and loving...he just can say NO THANK YOU!!!
I typically don't say a word to the other parent - they don't know my child like I do. Typically what I will do is call my child over to me (or go get him) and take him to the side and ask him what game are they playing? does he like to play that game? If no, I ask him what game he wants to play (he answers) and then I tell him to go tell his friends that he has a "new" game to play and that does it:)
sometimes I am completely suprised though - he says he likes the aggressive games sometimes and gets aggrevated at me for interrupting. . . basically I try not to interfere too much, but do make sure I teach my sons how to handle situations and give them an "out" if they need it.
Best of luck.
Hi, K.,
I'm afraid I disagree with the "he has to learn to handle it himself" camp.
I would definitely intervene. He is only five and his friends are still young, also. Children learn through imitation. Be a good role model for them, and show your son (and them) how this can be handled.
Gently stop the game and get their attention. Say, "You are all such kind children. I know you would never want to hurt someone on purpose." (They will most likely agree with you.)
Then say, "But it looks to me as if Johnny is not having fun with this game of you all picking him up. His face looks sad and upset." (They will most likely all look at your son and probably show concern. Some will probably have something to say at this point, like they didn't mean it, or Johnny never said no.)
Then you say, "Johnny, would you like the other kids to stop picking you up?" Of course your son will say yes.
Then you say, "Okay, Johnny would like you to all quit picking him up from now on. Now, can you all think of a way for Johnny to let you know when he doesn't like something? Who can give Johnny some respectful words to use when he doesn't want someone to do something?" And let them speak. And they will. They will all have ideas for Johnny, and Johnny will know that it's okay to speak up.
By saying "respectful words" it lets them know that answers such as "put me down, stupid" and "stop it, you poophead" are not acceptable. Because some children would think these answers are okay! : ) If they say anything like that, just remind them gently that those words don't sound respectful or kind, and you know Johnny wants to treat all of his friends with kindness and respect.
The key to doing this, however, is to speak calmly and gently to the children. If they think they are being yelled at, it won't work. They will just feel defensive, and some of them may even do it more.
By handling the situation this way, you are modeling to them life skills they will be able to use in any conflict that arises for them at school. You are telling them you know they are kind children, first, so they will feel good about themselves and want to be even kinder, thus treating your son better. You are instilling compassion and empathy by pointing out that your son is sad/upset. You are letting them use problem solving skills when they give suggestions on how your son can handle the situation next time. And since they are the ones who have determined how your son should handle it, they will comply with it when he does.
I hope this helps.
Blessings to you and your little one.
P.S. And I know what it's like to have a small child, my son is in the 50th percentile now for height, but he only weighs 60 lbs. He's 12. : )
Teach your child how to stand up for himself. Allow him to learn how to communicate....... unless you think this is over the top and your child's self-esteem is suffering. In that case protect your child by cutting out play dates with these kids. That will be hard, but find new friends that work better for you.
Role play with your son, maybe he isnt hating the horseplay as much as you are. Do teach him how to stand up for himself and it's okay for him to say "knock it off" and walk away if he doesnt like the way things are going. He'll have a growth spurt eventually and can always get revenge later =)
Most kids I know who don't stand up for themselves has a family member who is very authoritative. Not saying you are, but he has somehow learned it isn't right if he voices any kind of opinion about anything that makes him uncomfortable.
Combine that w/an overly compliant nature and you have a kid who won't speak up.
Start giving him choices about everything - what to wear, what he wants to eat, how long he wants to read or play (within reason of course) and make HIM do everything (while you are standing by for loving support). The more he sees he is responsible for himself and the things he choses, the more he'll learn to speak up for himself and in a sense, take care of himself inside and out.
You need to teach him that if he doesn't like how his friends are playing he needs to let them know. Parents need to stand back and let their kids work it out. Unless they are physical (punching, kicking,...) I try to let them work ot out.
I agree that he needs to stick up for himself. He can't be shy or timid. He needs to firmly, but nicely say, "Please don't push me, pull on me, etc." And if they don't stop, give him the OK to say, "STOP IT!!!!!" and maybe give someone a gentle shove.
You aren't going to always be there to speak up for him. He needs to start doing this for himself.
You may also want to talk to him about how friends treat each other. Friends respect each other's words. Friends are honest and nice to each other. If these other kids CAN'T act that way, then maybe they aren't friends? Don't make him play with these kids just because they're neighbors.
If he still has problems, have him offer the kids to play in HIS yard. Then, your yard, your rules. You can tell EVERYONE "hands to self".
Set up playdates with other kids who are his age, in his class, etc. He may be better off making friends with kids to are nicer to him and respect his words.
How does he feel about it? Can you teach him to express himself that he's had enough? It will serve him well in Elementary school!
