When Do You Stop Telling Your Kids They Can Be Anything They Want to Be?

He may never teach in a regular class room, but there just might be a place for him to teach that you've never considered. There are all kinds of training facilities - even for the mentally disabled. He CAN be anything he wants to be. If he is working hard, he'll get there. It might not be the conventional way in a conventional classroom, but he'll do what he loves.
I'd never ever tell someone they can't be anything they wanted to be.
My children volunteer a week every summer at a summer camp for mentally disabled kids. The ages of the campers are 15 to 24. Some of them are college students. They have goals and dreams just like everyone else. As they say, it might take me longer, but I'll get there! I can do anything I can dream! And they can!
LBC

A little off -topic, but his parents need to have some legal documents in place in case they both pass away. Will he need a guardian and a trustee to handle any money they leave him?

This is tough and there is no clear answer. Without "being in" the situation I lean toward encouraging the boy to follow his dreams. When he became frustrated I would point out other options, but try to keep him within his interest. Let him know it's okay to change his mind. He may not be a history teacher, but there are museum docents, teacher aids, etc.... But what is the rush to push him away from his dream if he is accomplishing passing his classes? I would say let him keep trying. He just might surprise you.

I very much like what Miranda M, Patty W and SA Mamma H have said.

Why is he taking non-credit courses?

You mentioned "he would strive in a group home"--sounds to me like he is already striving if he has kept taking courses for 5 years....or did you mean "thrive" in a group home?

How do you know he would be completely lost if anything happened to your bro and SIL? maybe they have plans for him? insurance? This might be an issue you could (more or less) safely bring up (subtly) to his parents, perhaps in the guise of "we just finalized our will and guardianship plans for our kiddos, what a task, but what a relief to have it done! how did you handle it with 'John'?" or if you haven't done so, say that you are looking for ideas, and ask how they handled it; this could be an opeing into a conversation of "do you think he could handle things on his own?" I would sure tread carefully here, though.

It could be a learning disability, not a developmental disability. There is help for that. If you ever talk to him and he mentions how much he is struggling, you could mention that he could see his counselor about it.

Sorry I haven't been much help.

K. Z.

I teach at a community college. I would strongly suggest that you have your brother help his son create questions about his future options to ask a counselor at the school. I have many students who struggle (severe learning disabilities, acquired brain injury and other issues) and while not all will be able to transfer, I do work very hard to make sure that each student is able to achieve his or her personal best. The counselor should be the one to explain if there is no way to achieve university level course work. Sometimes success is measured in different ways. He might not ever be a history teacher, but I will bet he could be an excellent volunteer docent at a museum helping with children. The thing here is to find a way to support achievable dreams!!!!!

There was a time when kids with dyslexia were treated as "dumb" and told their limitations. Now that the issue is understood, they can be anything they want to. It was wrong to tell them they couldn't, wasn't it?

Maybe he does need testing. Maybe they know things that you don't (they are his parents, right?)

I don't know what his issues are so I can only answer in general, but generally speaking I would never ever tell my child they can't be what they want. I might be wrong and I could never forgive myself for that. I might tell them they are getting older and need to look into immediate job skills and go back to their dreams when they're making more money. I might suggest a new approach to learning rather than just letting him fail over and over again in a situation that is clearly not right for him. I would do anything to make sure he becomes a history teacher, if that's his dream. It might require some hard work, but I'd see it through.

No one gave up on Helen Keller and she was blind and deaf. But she succeeded where her own parents thought she never ever could.

There are about 50 kinds of history teachers. He may never be able to be a college professor of history, but ESPECIALLY if he has a specific disorder, he could be an INVALUABLE history teacher working in a program specific to those with his own disorder.

The fact of the matter is: NONE of us can just "be anything we want to be". I think it's a travesty that we tell our kids that.

What we CAN do, is do whatever we LOVE... with hardwork, imagination, and luck or patience (luck primarily has to do with how QUICKLY we get to do what we love, and in what capacity).

I "want" to do maybe 50 things I just plain and simple can't. BUT, anything I really love enough to put in the time, work, and creativity... I can certainly do.

Take the childhood dream of astronaut or president or rock star or pro sports player that many kids have. Lets face it, about 6 people a year get to be astronauts, and 1 person every 4-8 years gets to be president. BUT 10's of thousands and 100's of thousands and even millions of people:

- Work in space related fields : from astronauts, to physicists, to astronomers, to teachers, to computers, to cartographers, to mission control, to engineers, to docents, to artists, to, to, to... there are MAYBE 500 career paths I can think of off the top of my head that have to do with outer space. And at least 100 that have to do with *actually* flying... if their passion for space is actually a passion for flight.

- Work in POLITICS... from local, state, national, party... to things like the State Deptartment (diplomatic, economic, managerial, justice)... and then you have all of the 3 branches of govt. aspect of politics : Judicial, Executive, Legislative... then you have lobbyists, journalists, etc.

- Work in MUSIC... players, writers, stage hands, crew, roadies, security, producers, agents, studio engineers, mastering, scouting, exec, promotion, venue ownership, designers, teachers, journalism, photography, etc.

- Work in SPORTS... aside from athletes you've got coaches, trainers, journalism, artists, equipment, agents, grounds crew, etc.

These are just a smattering. And in each and every single one of these career paths there are also LEVELS. Okay, you're not coaching an olympian or the cowboys... there are also peewee leagues, school teams in E, M, HS, community leagues, college, and THEN the pros. Music teachers can be at Juliard or a preschool. The astronomy prof may be the *worst* person in the world to inspire 6 year olds, the killer teacher for 6 year olds might be *terrible* as a tech charting star movements. There are just so many avenues, and no one is good at them all. We all have a range of niches that we would both excel AND be happy doing.

Your nephew just wants to be a history TEACHER. He's got soooo many different ways that he can do that. He just needs to find the ways that would work for HIM. Saying "no, you can't, give it up" is an even bigger travesty than saying he can do whatever he wants. He just needs to find and avenue that works for him, where he'll shine and be happy.

"You'll never be a teacher. Find something else."
That's pretty harsh.
I understand your reasons behind it, but maybe he could use some help finding ways to "teach" while he goes to school, etc. Surely there is a counselor through the college or a personal counselor that can find resources for the disabled as far as finding him a "job" and helping to teach him life skills.
I just would be careful to never tell him that his dreams are not possible. He already has things going against him. He needs to know that he can conquer things within his realm of ability.

Also, it sounds like you and your sister are worrying about things more than your nephew's own parents are. Ultimately, he's not your child. Be careful not to overstep on this one.

Best wishes.

"God forbid if anything happened to my brother and SIL, he would be completely lost with no place to go".

Why couldn't he come live with you, or your sister?!!!

He CAN be a history teacher. There is nothing stopping anybody from doing what they want to do in life.

Perhaps somebody should just gear him toward a different path to teaching history...

For example, history museums that offer tours, or as a teachers aide, or at an old historical building... He could write booklets about self-guided historical tours around Dallas (or whatever city he lives in)... etc...

Please! Nobody should ever be told they can't do something they love; because it is just not true. Anybody, regardless of anything, can be/do/have whatever they want in this life!

i didn't read all your responses yet but here is some food for thought...

when my sister thought she wanted to be an Orchestra Conductor we all were very supportive, although a smart girl we all knew she couldn't carry a tune in a basket. then one day while she was speaking to her councilor he said to her "that is a great goal but one that will take some time to achieve, What are you going to do to support yourself until you achieve that goal?" This was perfect, he did not discourage her in any way, he acknowledged her goal and still gave her something to think about. You might ask your step nephew a similar question, what would he like to do to earn a little income till he can achieve his goal... I loved the work in a museum idea, it would have that historical feel that he likes.

but whatever you do don't crush his dream! ps, my sister is an RN now and going for her CNA, and she loves it, I'm sure she still enjoys her music, but her goals changed along the way, and her dream was never crushed.

I think Patty W. said it best.

I know people who are not delayed in any way and it took them 10 years or longer at community college to earn their Associates...just saying:)

I even know teachers that earned their advanced degrees over 20-30 years. Heck, I will be almost 40 by the time I have a Masters degree, and I am doing well and going straight through.

I don't think that anyone should tell him he will never be a teacher, because that cannot be predetermined as true. There are many levels of teaching and if he is following his passion I give him kudos for that. College coursework is hard for everyone, not just him. Even non-credit classes can be very challenging(I took a whole year of them). I would let him figure out his path on his own, as most college students do. He is only 22, he has lots of time to explore and make mistakes and learn from them. It is good that he started school earlier in life, so that he can work slowly toward his goal. I didn't even know what my goal was until 3 years ago and now I am racing like a madwoman to get it done before I turn 40:)

Of course you can always suggest other options that you think he would succeed at, but only encourage him if he chooses to pursue those other options. Otherwise, just encourage and support him on the path he has chosen.

Honestly, it sounds like you want to sweep him under the rug into a group home(without even knowing if it is a learning disability or developmental delay or just his hard-wired personality???-maybe you could elaborate on what behaviors he shows that denote an obvious "disability") rather than respect the choices that his parents have made for him regarding his upbringing.

I agree with Patty W, could not have said it better myself.

V.,
I haven't read the other posts so I might be repeating. In my opinion you don't tell kids or anyone, for that matter, they cannot do something they want to do. You can suggest those great ideas, but I think he should continue down his path and get or not get things on his own, with or without his disability. Furthermore, I think he has to step it up and try more credit classes. We should let our kids succeed or fail on their own. Things that we might think are unattainable, may not really be.
I think he really can do it. And I would never ever tell him he cant.
My dad was told for years he would never ever amount to anything good, and you have no idea the damage it did to him.(I know its not the same scenario, your intentions are good, as opposed to my great grandma's but still)
I'm sorry, perhaps this is not what you would like to hear, but I hope you find it helpful anyway.
Good Luck!

When they are 40.
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I answered the question in the subject line,
before I read the entire post.
So my answer wasn't helpful in this situation.
I really like the "meet with college counselling office" answers.
Before you continue, I wonder if you could have
a gentle conversation with the parents first . . . .
regarding your concerns.

My brother (27) is crippled by mental illness acquired from rare childhood epilepsy. He flunked out of several colleges, can't hold a job and is extremely depressed and isolated. My mom and dad were in denial for many years, telling him to go to college, get a job, support himself, which seemed so do-able considering he's pretty brilliant. We're finding that few people, no matter how well intentioned are really prepared to know how to deal with a person (especially an adult) with disabilities. But there are organizations that can help and that specialize in helping adults. There are counselors that teach adults life skills, MHMR should be able to provide resources, etc. What you might do is begin researching and talking to people (with ACTUAL experience and knowledge about what they are talking about), collecting ideas of information and resources for him, even of lawyers who can specialize in creating wills, etc. especially for dialed adult children. You might just keep a file of printouts and names and things you find because although the situation seems to be working right now, when he's 35 they might start getting a clue and looking for help on what to do and you could be a help. For now, just encourage him in useful directions like the previous commenters mentioned (achievable goals). You might even see if there are books (I'm sure there are) about helping/providing support, etc. adults with MR or developmental or MH issues. This is probably a problem that can't simply be "fixed" but will require on-going support, etc to find workable solutions for all.

Unfortunately, because he's not your child, your options are limited and difficult. You and your sister can continue to say nothing and just deal with your own feelings about him not being able to reach his potential of independent living as an adult because his limitations aren't recognized and addressed. Your other option is to research on your own what programs are available to help your nephew learn a basic skill and independent living then get the family together (yourself, your sister, your brother, your parents, etc.) and present your concerns and your information to your brother. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes in either situation. I know how hard it is to want to fix a situation that you feel is very important and hurting someone, but no one who has any actual influence in the situation recognizes it as a problem. I wish you lots of luck!

NEVER. I will not steal my kids dreams. They can be whatever they set their mind to. There are lots of variations in jobs and every where in between. I am sure there is a perfect profession for your step-nephew. Let him figure it out. If he needs more direction, he can get it from a college counselor or someone in the field.

M