What Woud It Take for You to Feel Pampered?

8kidsdad, well you know it varies differently for each person.
Male or female.

For me, feeling "pampered" is being the recipient of something unexpected.
And feeling appreciated.
Even if I am cooking and cleaning.
And anything non-sexual.
Just being thought of, for me. Not someone else's expectations, upon me and then me having to indulge in the person who did something for me just to say "thank you" because their ego is at stake.

I feel pampered when my husband ignores the dishes that didn't quite get done. What can I say, I am a cheap date.

An actual vacation with my husband, two weeks, no kids. Being mommy on vacation is like being mommy at home. I still cook, still clean, still get up at the crack of when ever the kids wake up.

I love being a mom, but if I could arrange two weeks every year, that would be a delightful recharge.

(I'm sorry, I just don't understand this question.)

I think many women that have cleaned daily and packed lunches and provided their families with 3 squares per day probably would dream of never cooking or cleaning again in their lives as "pampering themselves."
I don't think that would be MY personal Nirvana, but who
knows? Check back with me in 15 years...
I'd think traveling and enjoying a tropical beach view might be my idea of being pampered--even if I have to cook & clean.

The other day I layed down for a nap. (work was hard, super busy week) I told hubby please wake me up in a half hour. Well two hours later I woke up and was like why didnt you wake me up, he said you do so much, just thought I would let you sleep.
And to boot he did the laundry.
It was nice.

sounds like your MIL checked with the wrong gal when she moved in with all those expectations. sure, it would be nice to quit cooking and cleaning, but not unless those duties were either being undertaken by someone who had offered, and had the time and resources to do so cheerfully and willingly, or if one has the money to pay professionals to do it. to simply say 'i'm 80 and done' and dumping one's household maintenance on a surprised DIL is a bit much.
if you want to be pampered in your old age (which is fine) you need to plan for it, budget for it, and/or make sure those doing the pampering are on board with it.
i feel pampered pretty much every day. i remark airily 'the dryer is taking two full circuits to get the clothes dry' or 'jasmine's stall door is sticking' or 'gee, wish i had a bigger kitchen garden' or (my current queenly indulgence) 'it would rock to have a walk-in closet', and the elves bustle about and in a weekend or three or whatever, my wishes come true. i really can't ask for any more than i already get!
:) khairete
S.

The best way for my husband to make me feel pampered is to surprise me. It could be as simple as arranging for a sitter and going out to dinner, or a weekend away or doing a load of laundry on his own (laundry is something he hates to do, so I know he's really going out of his way to help me when he does it).
One Friday he called me at work and told me to go to a certain address after work and talk to the owner. It was a spa. He had scheduled and pre-paid for me to get a full pedicure. While I was there he got dinner started and was doing some housecleaning. Not only did I get to go home with pretty toes, but I was relaxed and loved that I didn't have to immediately start cooking, etc. I got to truly enjoy the rest of the evening.

When I go on vacation I like to go to a hotel instead of a cabin or renting a house because we have to eat at restaurants and the beds get made up and fresh towels happen while we're away for the day.
A vacation like that is a real break for me.
I enjoy cooking at home so I don't want to give that up.
Having a maid come in to clean the bathrooms would be wonderful.
My husband has always been a sweetheart and always makes me feel special.

Hey B.. I don't really like to be "pampered". I'm The Caretaker, I like it and I'm good at it. Being the recipient of such care makes me feel threatened a little, like I'm not doing my job. Or something.

So maybe Mrs 8kids doesn't like it either? I mean, we already know all the things you do for her, flowers all the time, cruises, surprises, in all the years you've been here you have held her in the highest esteem.

Perhaps she already feels pampered?

My own mom, who is 77, in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's, and living alone in the house she worked for and bought herself, is WILDLY independent and the 5 of us sibs piss her off daily because she really DOES need our help. She clings to her ability to take care of herself, and is deeply effected that she no longer takes care of us.

The way I feel is the feeling I get knowing everyone in my care is healthy, happy, and well adjusted is a reward in itself. I am pampered everyday my their appreciation. I mean, I can see my own good work through them, you know?

Now that my own kids are nearly grown, 2 away at school, one left for one more year, my favorite thing is when they're all home, with their SOs, and there's cooking and music and food and conversation and messes and plans being made and laughing and so much positive energy and I'm at the center of it.. I'd imagine this will be my very favorite thing for a very long time.

I mean, I think your wife feels pampered everyday, see? Look at the love and success all around her.

Nice post.

:)

You know, let's assume that your MIL (and her mother) were of a generation where girls took on a lot of household responsibility early and kept that up right until they got married and then continued that, year after year after year, decade after decade. I'm guessing that by age 80, they had spent a good 70 years cooking for and cleaning up after other people. Good for them for reaching a point of saying "no more!" and that it's time for them to put their feet up for a change. A lot of people that reach that age give up on the cooking and cleaning because they're no longer well enough to do so. Good for them for being well enough to continue these tasks and choosing not to. Of course there's a more diplomatic way to go about it then declaring that they will be "pampered" but FWIW, I don't think the idea is wrong.

Anyway...you asked what it would take to feel pampered and I guess it would be to have someone else take care of my responsibilities so that I have the leisure time to do whatever I want. For me, that would be "don't worry about the kids, you stay in bed and I'll get them where they need to go." Or yes, having someone cook AND clean up after a meal. I can't imagine the day when I eat a meal in my house that someone else prepares and then I get to go off and read a book or something instead of cleaning up and tackling the dishes. Come to think of it, that's what my husband does every day. To come home from the gym, or a pedicure, or a massage or tea with a girlfriend and find that my house is actually clean and the kids haven't been left to fend for themselves while my husband busies himself with other things would feel like pampering.

I'm not really sure what I personally need to feel pampered from a man. A few signs of thoughtfulness, I guess -- a flower occasionally, pulling out my chair maybe, opening a door for me, purchasing something spontaneously that he knew I wanted. And of course a back rub is always great.

But I hope I NEVER get to the point that I expect people to wait on me hand and foot. I couldn't bear sitting around acting like an invalid. When I get to that point, I will be on my deathbed. I expect to be running marathons at 80 (well, maybe a half marathon). And cleaning and cooking.

JB does make a good point -- maybe the woman has sacrificed and worked hard enough for others. But there's something about her demand and her expectations that are a turnoff.

I guess I am pretty easy to please. I feel pampered if I don't have to cook or clean. That is why eating in a restaurant or staying in a hotel is such a treat. In fact, when I stayed in the hospital to have my babies I felt pampered there, and couldn't understand why so many new moms were in a hurry to go home. I loved being waited on hand and foot, even if it was hospital food! Of course I do like other types of pampering as well, like pedicures and massages, but I would gladly trade those luxuries for not having to cook and clean for the rest of my life.

ETA: I do like to cook, but to do it because I want to and not because I have to is more enjoyable.

Everybody's idea of being pampered is different. I will tell you that expecting to be pampered at her DIL's expense is pretty selfish of your MIL. If MIL doesn't want to cook and clean anymore, she should move into an assisted living home instead. You haven't said anywhere in here that she isn't able to take care of herself, just that she doesn't want to and expects it from her favorite "son" (which means that her favorite son tells someone else, his wife, to do it.)

My own mother is 80 and knows that if she sat on her butt all of the time, she would end up being bed-bound. It's one thing to want help. It's another thing to demand that your son's WIFE do everything for you.

Your MIL's mother's day was a different day, B.. That long ago, people were more apt to live with several generations in the same house. Not much anymore. Your MIL doesn't get to expect the same from this generation. Part of the problem is her attitude - feeling entitled to expect her daughter-in-law to "do" for her just because she thinks she deserves it, not because it's necessary. She needs to change her attitude. Her world might need to get smaller, like moving into a senior apartment and have meals brought in. There's nothing wrong with that. But demanding that a woman who isn't even her own daughter "pamper" her? No.

Pampering for rmyself? That's kind of private and not for telling a man on this thread.

Well I think your MIL I am sorry to say to me sounds spoiled and lazy.
I still have my grandmom who is 94. I still have my parents..in the late 60s. I still the majority of my aunts and uncles...70-80s. Not one of them expects this. They are all close to their children and grandchildren. I am close to my parents and my grandmom. They like being helpful. They get that they are enjoyed and wanted but are helpful. If my parents were cming for diiner my mom would make some of the food. She would also help clean up. It sounds like your mil wants to come first. Which to me sounds very unreasonable.Does your brother in law have children still living at home? Does his wife work fulltime? Honestly just helping my kids with their homework and doing extra work because they missed lots of school this winter. Due to excessive amounts of snow. Then my kids are each in CCD, sports and scouts. I help out at their school. With us schooli s the priorty it would not be pampering her.
My idea of pampering. My three kids made me breakfast in bed on one of the many snow days. Last year for my birthday present my husband gave me a gift for a back massge.

I think that is going to vary dramatically from person to person. So I'd wait to hear what your wife says, and listen carefully to what she has to say. ;)

For me, it isn't waiting on me hand and foot. Honestly, I don't really even like that all that much when I am sick. I just want to be left alone then.

But too much waiting hand and foot, just makes me feel, useless. Like I should be doing something. Like I am lazy.

I do not like the obligation of having to plan all the meals. Or cook them all. Doesn't mean I don't like planning ANY nor cooking ANY. But having an interest in planning and helping execute it or at LEAST staying in the kitchen while I do stuff and talking with me while I work, makes me feel pampered. It makes me feel like you want to spend time with me and hear what I have to say. To walk in and out (from doing something else) randomly throwing out offers to do something isn't the same. Or telling me to put my feet up in another room while you (and the kids) do everything without me, just makes me feel excluded.

Finding my favorite chocolate on my pillow though.....

I'm not sure if MIL and MIL's mom is the same person. I got a little confused in paragraph 2.

That said, I wonder whether my definition of pamper will change with age. I cannot anticipate 80.

Some people like to be served. My MIL loved it, even as a child and young adult. She'd go out of her way to get others to do things for her, even if it would just be easier to do it for herself. As a result, she often was unhappy because she set up unrealistic expectations of others. Is that what is going on here?

Or has this woman sacrificed all comfort for others and now expects it herself? That too can set up unrealistic expectations, though in her mind she's earned it. Still results in unhappiness.

Big question here: Is she capable of doing for herself what she is asking others to do for her? If so, why is she doing this? Did her parents set this precedent?

Many seniors stop cooking, and typically, that's a good thing. Their reflexes are slower and they may be more forgetful. Those abilities and using a stove and oven are not a good combination. Maybe it is best she doesn't cook.

That said, is she clapping her hands and saying, "Chop chop" to her DIL?

Would a visit by a social worker work? Could he or she initiate a conversation so all can air their ideas? I know--who knows what would come out.

Oh, yes, the question was about me. I feel pampered because my DH does more for me now than my dad ever did for my mom. There are times I would like certain extra items, and even when I ask politely, it doesn't happen (a massage is a big one on the list). I haven't been able figure out the reluctance, as I have done it for him, and it seems like a request that both could enjoy. I just haven't figured it out.

If I end up in DD's house with her family, I won't be sitting around making demands that cause an unpleasant relationship. And I think that by the time that scenario rolls around, my DD will know I would not take advantage of any human being that way. I'd probably initiate a conversation about boundaries so that I'd know when a retreat to my room or the front porch would be most appreciated. I can't stand being in a place where there is tension.

I'm a bit like Theresa. I'm usually the one in caretaker mode. I went to an appointment today, though, and a person there offered to make me a cup of tea. Wow.... it felt like pampering to me.

More than massages (which I do enjoy) what makes me feel taken care of is what is going on already-- I'm a stay at home mom. For my introvert personality, that is Big Time Pampering. And then I get to 'pamper' my husband, as it were--when he comes home, there is rarely any housework to be done. Win/win.

(personally, when I'm older, I'd rather be active and cook and do some housework than just sit on my butt all day. I think that just ages you faster. I'm not sure I'd want to live past my usefulness to myself, anyway.)

Sometimes its the little things. I recently learned that my husband has long been pampering me in the following regard. I like to reuse my tea bag. It steeps in my cup, I drink about half, then pour more hot water over the top. I do this three or four times before getting myself a fresh bag. My husband on the other hand uses a fresh bag each time. Seems when he went to the kitchen to get himself more tea, and to top mine off, he would give mine a few extra dunks with his tea bag. I had been wondering why the tea tasted so much better when he made it for me. Now I know.

Little acts of kindness rule the day.

Best,
F. B.

My DH knows exactly how to make me feel pampered.

He buys me a gift certificate for a 1 hr massage at the local spa AND makes all the childcare arrangements so I can go (usually he's with the kids, but if he has something going on, he'll set up the babysitter).

I feel pampered if I get to sleep in and watch a show, and the house is still in one piece when my pampering is over. I don't even need him to do everything; just knowing that I don't HAVE to figure out what's for dinner, and that the dishes won't be waiting for me in the morning if I don't get to them before bed is enough for me. It's more the idea that I can just relax and do what *I want* to do, instead of having to meet the constant demands of being a mother and managing a household.

To take it to the next level would be going out to dinner (if we take DD, HE is responsible for making sure she behaves and eats...) and maybe spending a night at a hotel (with him) with absolutely no responsibilities for the evening. :)

Two years after my grandmother moved in with my Aunt and her family she stopped cooking. She was a marvelous cook. It wasn't so much a matter of wanting to be pampered as it was she was just tired of doing it and didn't care to do it any longer. My guess is it may have had much to do with Alzheimer's and dementia. She lived to be 86.

My grandmother was so fabulous we wanted to do everything for her. As far as the entire family was concerned that woman hung the moom.

My other grandmother was blind so she liked the challenge of doing as much as she could for herself. She cooked for herself and preferred to do as much as she could. She enjoyed as much independence she could. She died well before reaching 80 but didn't consider anyone doing things for her pampering because of the loss of her sight. She needed to have some things done for herself.

My husband pampers me often and frequently by meeting my needs. Sometimes even before I realize I have a need. For example, last week he was working from home and when I got home dinner was ready and a hot bath was run. That is pampering to me at this point in my life.

A back rub and then oral sex.

8kidsdad,

Define "regular basis." LOL! Anyway, I would ABSOLUTELY feel pampered if I didn't have to cook or clean!!! Are you kidding me???? I work part time, so I would also feel pampered if I stopped working and became a stay at home mom again (now that I'm working - even just part-time, I now realize how good stay at home moms really have it). I would also feel pampered if my husband stopped snapping at me like he occasionally does, and stopped his mean "tone of voice" that he speaks to me sometimes.

So, in summary - I would feel incredibly pampered if: my husband always spoke to me in a nice voice, if I didn't cook or clean, and if I could be a stay at home mom again.

I absolutely would feel pampered if someone took over the cooking and cleaning for me!! Wow. What would I do with the extra time?? BUT, I hate cooking. Some people really love it so it doesn't feel like a chore....not me!
What else?
I think it's different for each relationship. I would feel pampered by my husband if he would just give me his undivided attention. Would cuddle up with me, would fold laundry, put his frackin dirty clothes IN the dirty clothes hamper. If he would get me a gift certificate for a haircut and he watched the kids. If he gave me $100 and told me to buy myself some new clothes or underwear.....by myself! (shoot,if he did that I would pass out!)
But, if I was elderly and asking to be pampered, as seems to be the case with your MIL I think I would have some expectations. I wouldn't want to cook, or clean, or do dishes. I would expect someone to be taking me to the doctors or talking with my doctors. I would hope that my laundry would be taken care of. I would HOPE that if I was in need of hospice that people would be falling all over themselves to make sure that my last days were comfortable.
L.

This is a good question. And of course I had to chuckle...that you'd feel pampered making love to your wife regularly. Haha what guy wouldn't!!!??! So to answer the question.....I always feel loved when my husband cleans up our bathroom and dressing area. Sometime I'll go upstairs and it's so clean and spotless in our bathroom. I just love that feeling knowing I didn't have to do that. Also, when we are doing the floors, he will get on his hands and knees with a damp bath towel and go over every inch of hardwoods and clean them. Isn't it funny how not having to clean makes lots of us ladies feel pampered? I also like that we go out for dinner on Saturday nights so neither of us has to cook or clean up.