Mother in Law Moved In

I am in awe of you...there is no way in hell that I would allow my MIL to move into my home.

If she is competent, the least she can do is clean up after herself..i.e. you should not come home to messes to clean up if she is capable of cleaning up after herself. This is one of those things that should have been discussed and spelled out before she moved in...

8 months???? Oh, my. I wouldn't have this issue because i would have been so rude she'd have moved out by now. I'd suggest calling a family meeting and presenting a chore chart. Everyone gets 2-3 chores assigned. If she objects, tell her she's being a bad example for her grandchildren. And if she still refuses, she needs to pitch in for a cleaning lady. If that fails, I'd start placing all her dirty dishes and messes right on her bed. And cooking for only 4 people, setting places for only 4 people. When she objects, tell her you are happy to contribute to her stay when she is willing to contribute to the household, as you are tired of her taking advantage of the situation.

Run for the hills....

Do you think maybe a schedule would help? Not sure, but perhaps defined chores with a day every week that they're to be done.

Mondays: vacuum & dust specific rooms
Tuesdays: nothing
Wednesdays: a specific number of loads of laundry
Thursdays: nothing
Friday: something else you feel needs to be done

Perhaps a defined schedule, especially if there are days where everyone agrees that she has no responsibilities other than caring for her own needs & picking up after herself, might be a start.

I'm so very sorry you're dealing with this. Hug to you --

Get her an annual exam (to prove she's able bodied ha ha) and then give her a month to start contributing to the household. She probably figures that she spent her life taking care of her own husband and children and now it's her son's turn to take care of her in her old age.

If she's with you simply because she has trouble managing money then maybe helping her shouldn't be digging her out of debt and letting her live in the lap of luxury... free rent, free food, no chores, free amenities... but instead get her an appointment or two with a financial planner. Help her find a small apartment that she can afford and create a budget with her that she must stick to.

She's been bailed out once. During this past eight months, if she's not spending money on rent or food then where is it going? I hope she's saving it. If she's not receiving any sort of income, then your husband needs to encourage her to get a job. Give her a time frame to work with, and then gently get her out the door.

Buy a nice large dish pan. Take HER dirty dishes from the sink and place them in the dishpan and put it in HER room. Do the same with any shoes, clothing, books, magazines, etc. that she leaves lying around.

I would be LIVID! And I would make sure that her junk stays in HER room.
I would also do things like leave the vacuum cleaner right in the middle of the room (blocking the tv maybe) AND I would call her from work to REMIND her of the "Chore of the Day"!

Why have you let it go on so long? Did you not have any stipulations with her before she moved in? What does your husband say to his mom? What does he say to you?

You both need to come to a decision about her, A.. You must have a united front. Your MIL needs to step up, or move out.

Put together a list of what she is responsible for everyday. Both of you should sit down with her and your husband should do the talking. He should give her the list and tell her that if she can't do this, that she has to move out.

It's a hard thing to do, but it's either this or continue to live with what you have been going through for 8 months.

Good luck,
Dawn

She's an able bodied adult who is disrespecting you in your own home! Sadly, I think the only way to end this is to give her a date to move out by. Offer to help her with money management and help with finding a new place to live. I hope for your sake that you can get your husband behind you on this.

What Cheryl O said. Hubby has to lead on this one, but he has to understand the issue from your point of view first. She's an adult and needs to clean up after herself - unless she's not capable, and that's a separate issue.

A.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!

You don't state if she has health problems.
you don't state if she is mentally impaired.
you don't state WHY she moved in with you.
That information would help a lot in answering your question.

Going on the assumption that she is healthy but couldn't afford living on her own....

I would sit down with my husband and make sure you are both on the same page - and then BOTH OF YOU sit down with your mother in law and tell her the expectations of her living there.

If she is home all day by herself - she needs to contribute to the household. And your husband MUST support you on this. If he cannot - this will NOT work out.

I can tell you from my parents experience with my grandmother moving in with them - if they are NOT on the same page in expectations and such - you will be fighting...my grandmother has been with my parents for almost 18 years...(I thought it was 16 but my father corrected me) and is now 96 years old.

Ditto Grandma....

Can you sit down with her and ask her what her favorite house hold chores are?

Is she stressed out and depressed about having had to move in with you? Why did this happen to her and you all?

I personally would be very bummed to have to move in with my son and DIL one day. I can't imagine the social and financial embarrassment that would cause between us all, unless there was a specific MIL apartment.

Back to you approach...sit down with a cup of tea, and ask her directly if she is up to doing much during the day or does she need to time to rest if she is ill?

Give her a clear idea of what would help you the most. Dishes, laundry, sweeping, window washing, errands, shopping, meal planning and preparation, feeding pets, light house work, yard work, etc.

I also recommend you peruse this website called HomeInstead:

http://www.homeinstead.com/senior-care-resources-illnesse...

It is full of great tips for caring for the elderly and understanding their needs.

GL!

Hard to answer without a background. Did her husband pass, is she mentally declining, or depressed? What caused her to have to move in? Did she lose her house? It kind of all depends, so it's hard to answer without knowing the circumstances.

Hmmm, I'm wondering if she's depressed instead of just lazy? Your husband would have a pretty good idea of that...has she always been this way or is this relatively recent? If this has not always been how she is, then a physical may be in order for her (and a private conversation with the doctor by you about some of what's going on before her visit). If she's managing her money so poorly that she's had to move in with her son, daugher in law and their two kids, maybe he is depressed. In that case, she needs to get some treatment and also start contributing.

If she's just lazy, your best bet may be to put her profile on a dating site or fix her up on some blind dates with wealthy widowers/divorced men and marry her off!

Since you've both talked to her and still nothing, I think you both need to speak to her together and be more firm in your tone than the last time. I would sit her down with a chore chart/list and tell her that these are the chores she is expected to do. No need to have the kids there - this is your issue with her, not them. The first thing on the list would be to have the dishes done by the time you get home so you come home to a clean kitchen. Then, it will be incumbent upon you to make sure you clean your family's morning mess before you leave.

Pretty much as long as she does a quick pick-up throughout the house, cleans the kitchen, wipes down the bathroom and then just picks up after herself throughout the day I would be happy.

You do need to let her know that this is not negotiable - this is a requirement and if she can't/won't do it, then she has to go. NO ONE lives for free!

I'd sit down with her and your husband, and talk about it. I like what Grandma T said too. Make sure your husband is involved in this!!

If she is mentally okay and is just making more work for you then I'd say something. If she is sacking the dishes in the sink instead of putting them through the dishwasher then I'd rather she just stacked them up.

I would give it some time to see how it goes. You can always just leave the dishes and see if she does them.

Are you pretty vocal about how you like stuff done? Is she worried about how you'll react if she does them? I am really vocal about how I like my laundry done. My MIL would do it for me and I'd have clothes ruined. She was really only trying to help though, not be mean. She finally left my clothes alone and let me wash them.

I wish I had been nicer to her and let her ruin as many of my clothes that got messed up. I miss her every day. She died from Liver Cancer a few years ago.

I would say that if you care about this woman that you think of her feelings and how it will feel in the long run. Will you regret saying anything? Will it hurt her terribly if you tell her to clean up after herself? If she's doing it to be mean then just leave her dishes all week and do your own. Or leave all the dishes in a china hutch with a lock and only use paper.

You and your husband need to speak about this away from your MIL. This is going to test your relationship. You both need to come to an agreement on how to move forward. You and your husband need to decide what she is responsible for. Cleaning up after herself only? Helping out with other cleaning/gardening/cooking to contribute to the household she is enjoying for free?

Your husband needs to be the one to communicate to his mother what the two of you decide. He will need to respectfully and calmly set clear expectations of what you both require of her going forward and what will happen if those expectation are not met (i.e. move out). If she does not begin to contribute, your husband will need to provide her a fair move out date. In the meantime, you and your husband should help her organize her finances and help her find a place to live on her own. Surely that is her goal anyway, I'd hope....

If you and your husband can not agree on what you require from her, or what the consequences will be, you will continue to be her full time house keeper, and she will be living smugly at your expense.

I know of what I speak. My mother let a male "old friend" move in with her to help him out through some hard times he was having - financially broke due to a bad fall (that put him in the ICU for 2 mo) because he's a drunk. They were giving a romantic relationship a try, and when he moved in he was all full of promises - he'll the be "house husband" and take care of the cleaning etc, he'd cook, he'd do yard work, he'd be Mr. Fix-It. He lied, and lied and lied about everything to get in the front door.

Well, none of these things came to pass, of course. In fact, turns out all he wanted was to live rent free, use my mom as his house keeper (while she worked full time and he didn't work at all), and "borrow" money from her. When she was diagnosed with breast cancer, and home to recover from her surgery, he moved his just as lazy daughter and her 3 yo in for a week, my mom finally told him he had to get out. While she wouldn't kick him literally to the curb (we would have) he was finally sober long enough to find a place to live.

Ask your husband to talk to her, but be specific about a few things she can do to help. "Mom, we have a lot on our plate. Do you think you could do the dishes for us and clean up after yourself? It would really help." Let him ask her to do something that takes not too much time and she can do every day to contribute, and let him be calm but persistent.

Good of you to take her in. You're not in an easy situation, hope she gets with the program.