Whining... Help Finishing a Sentence.

...because whining makes normal people resistant and tense!

I just whine right back. Sometimes complete with dramatic arm movements. "What do you meeeeeeeeeean your sister is being meeeeeeeeeeean to you? I haaaaaaaaate when that happens!" This will either get a laugh out of the whiny child, who then repeats the complaint in a normal tone of voice, or it will cause a total meltdown. In case of meltdown, the offending child knows she has to go to her room until she can be in the common areas of the house again, because that's our rule. Either way, it stops the whining.

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When I hear whining, I feel resistant and tense because....the tone of your voice can drive me up a wall. I go crazy, because when you are whining I am 90% certain that you know how to do whatever you are whining about, and are just being lazy. Oh, I could go on and on and on and on.... Reese whines about everything, and then when that doesn't get her what she wants she falls to the floor in pieces, and then when that doesn't work she starts throwing things (although it is rare that this ever happens, I throw away whatever she throws, so she really thinks twice before throwing things.) I just ignore her until I hear what I want to hear, said how I want it said. The first few times I didn't go into explanations about why, I just said "Whining doesn't get you what you want, you are a big girl and need to use big girl words." Slowly but surely it is catching on. Good luck!

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Personally, I stop the sentence at "When I hear whining, I feel resistant and tense."

It seems to have a decibel range that pierces the ear, attaches to the spinal column and grates the nerves. I tell my kids, say it without whining so I can understand you. Or I don't speak Whinese, say it again. Sometimes they have to really repeat it so they are not whining and sometimes they have a full melt down and we have to deal with that until they can compose themselves.

Good luck,
D.

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Dear R.,
I'd rather listen to fingernails on a chalkboard than listen to a child whine. It makes you resistant and tense because it's one of the most irritating things on the planet.
Fortunately my kids didn't whine much, but I did daycare and had a couple of whiners. I would say things like, "I don't know what whining and pointing means. I can't understand you when you do that."
One kid in particular was a bit of a challenge because if he whined and pointed at the refrigerator, his mom, dad and everybody else would take things, one item at a time, out of the refrigerator. "Is this what you want? Is this what you want? Is THIS what you want?" They'd empty the whole dang refrigerator instead of making him just say he would like some grapes.
It didn't work that way with me.
My kids tried the whining thing after being around it and with my own kids I would say, "Whine yourself on over to the drawer and bring me the spanking spoon."
That stopped them dead in their tracks.
The dreaded spanking spoon.
I never even had to use it.
If I was already in the kitchen I would start rummaging through the drawers pretending to look for it. Sometimes I'd say, "Grandpa, did you see where I put that spanking spoon?" He had dementia, God bless him, and didn't know where his own false teeth were half the time, but as far as my kids were concerned, uh-oh....she's looking for the spoon. They found someplace to go and chill out real fast.
I think you're better off not buying into the whining thing and definitely not giving in simply because it's a way to hush them up for a while.
Pretending you can't hear them just makes them whine louder, in my opinion. Saying you can't understand them is more effective in my experience.

Best wishes and good luck!

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I say, "I do not understand whining. Have you ever heard me whine? Whining is not polite and we only speak politely to one another." That is enough to keep the two year old I nanny for from whining around me.
Good Luck,
T.

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I used to just say "Use your words, not your whines". It always stopped them. My kids are older now, and if I hear whining, I whine right back at them. They laugh and rephrase their question/statement.

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I created and used "I don't speak squeak" (short and to the point). I would respond when they talked "normally". It worked well. For a three year old, yours sounds too long & at the time, your child may not care how your feeling. Good luck - T.

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because it simulates a baby's cry, which is supposed to produce a stress response.
Instead of telling my kids that they cannot whine, I tell them that they need to ask me a question. Sometimes I have to remind them to start with "May I please..." That way, "I'm huuuuuungreeeeeee" becomes "May I please have a snack?" I believe that this is an important life-skill, so that they do not grow up to be whiney adults. ("I can't live on $9.50 an hour!" becomes, "Since I work so hard, may I please have a raise?") :-)

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When I hear whining, I feel resistant and tense because it is a way of "manipulating" a situation with a tone that nobody wants to hear, so the reciever gives in to stop the whining or negative tone. It is a control tool of the whiner.

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stole this one from my neighbor - she has 3 girls under 5.
"If you whine or cry for something, the answer is NO!"
/my son is 5 if he forgets to say please or whines he has to ask again with "Please Mama, you're so pretty!" he says it to his dad too- very funny. ;)

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A few ideas...
...I'm needing peace.
...I'm really wanting to connect with you and find out what you want.
...I'm not able to really hear you openly.
What you *know* is how you feel when you hear the whining, and what you'd like instead, which it sounds like is to be able to connect with and to communicate with your son. I think if you approach him with this intent, and maybe even try modeling out loud the kind of speech you'd like to hear from him, he'll get that you actually care and want to connect. I'm curious to see how it goes!
J.
www.awakeparent.com

WHINING IS JUST FREAKIN' ANNOYING!!!!!! (And how about fake baby talk?)

The best technique I've ever heard is the one where you say something like, "when you talk like that, Mommy can't hear you." And you just repeat that until they say it normally.

It doesn't matter why. When you hear whining, you feel resistant and tense. End of sentence.
Others have suggested this, but I found that modeling the tone of voice I wanted, and not responding to whining because "I can't understand you" helped enormously.
Good luck!

...my head gets full and I cannot think.

...the tone of voice grates, the child is not hurt or going without necessities, and I have been trained by my parents that whining is unacceptable.

R.,

I am the oldest of nine children. My parents were quick to nip the whining in the bud. Could you imagine if we all did it all the time? However, tone of voice illicits a response in the listener. Some of it is environmental, most of it is ingrained. An infant knows what an angry voice is. Well, whining is like that. When someone whines, we know that they are not really hurt or in need of something important. The whiner knows it too but thinks that if they whine they will get what they want. (Some adults give into it so other children pick that up and want to try it at home.)

I would just explain to your child that whining is not an acceptable way to ask for things. And then don't give in.

D.

HI R.,

I tell my kids, "When you whine, I don't like to listen. Can you ask in a different way?" Calling their attention to it in the moment is a good idea because they can hear the voice they have used. Sometimes I model for them by whining, but not in a condescending or taunting way. Sometimes kids don't get what you mean when you say the word whine so they won't change the behavior... so I'll say when you talk like this " I want waterrrrr..." It makes it hard for me to listen can you ask this way? " I'd like some water please."

( I don't have a bunch of whiny kids, but I run a daycare, so I see all extremes of this behavior.)

Good luck~ it takes time, but it goes away!

Hi R.,
I applaud you for trying to have a use a good 'I statement'. As a family therapist I encourgae people to use them all the time. I would say the 'because...' is unnecaessary. The pattern I usually give people is 'I feel (fill in the blank) when you (filly in the blank). In the fiture I wish you would (fill in the blank)' Good luck!

and tense because...it is not how we normally communicate with one another as sdults. If everyone whined at one another everyone would go nuts. Children, including my own recognize that if they whine long enough and loud enough they might be able to get what they want. It can be very effective particularly if you are tired or stressed.

I have simply started walking away when my son begins to whine. If he follows me I simply tell him that I cannot understand him when he is whining and when he feels ready to ask me somthing in a voice I can understand I am happy to talk with him. This seems to work, at least for now. My son is almost three and I am assuming it will get worse in the next few years but this is working for now.

Your sentence is too complicated for a 3 year old. Just say, "When you whine, I won't listen to you" or "You are whining, and that hurts my ears". Then ignore him until he stops. Be consistent.

I just say "when you're whining, I can't understand you, so please stop whining and talk to me about what you need". At three, they don't much care why it irritates you, so you need to put it on a level that makes them understand how their whining is going to impact them personally. If you can't understand what they're saying (and that's usually true when a child is whining) you can't help them. If they persist in the whining, simply walk away until they decide the whining isn't getting them attention.

Hi R., boy do I here you. My girls are a bit older now but the whining stage is a real pain. There is something about the neediness in that tone that just drives me crazy. I make the kids repeat the request in a normal voice by saying "Please say that again in an even tone" after a while it got so I could just say "rephrase that, please" and they knew what I meant. Some Mom's posting here have cute or funny ways of doing the same thing which probably works even better. Whatever you do don't allow it to work for them, even occasionally, it's so much harder to get them to stop if they've had any success. Finally, not to sound mean but breaking the whining habit before they are out in the world is so important. The big whiners in Kindergarten don't get the best reception from teachers and other parents!

... i pay more attention to the sound of your voice than what you are trying to say to me. if you want me to listen, speak so i will understand. that is a lesson that will last a lifetime. it also applies to yelling and other offensive communication styles.

I say in a calm even toned voice (often hard to do because the whining drives me crazy!)to my 3 and 5 year olds..."I'm sorry are you talking to me? I can not understand what you are saying when you use the whiney voice. Could you try again in your normal voice." Sometimes, if that doesn't work I talk in a super silly whiney voice back to them and say "I can't understand what you want when you use that voice and am not responding to it" that often gets them giggling and the whining stops. Good luck!

Greetings R., Let me say taht as the mother of 5, I never felt the need to explain anything to a child that is out of control. Talking and reasoning is a concept that is for an older child at 3 they are still the center of the universe in their heart and mind.
To finish the sentance-- because it tells me you need some time out and away from everyone that doesn't want to hear you.
Good Luck, Nana Glenda

First explain to her what whining is. Do this when she is not whining, maybe while you are having a meal together. Use a sentence with and without a whine so she sees the difference in the sound. Make sure you listen and do for her when she doesnt have to whine to make it happen. If whining works for her she will continue. When you do something for her when she hasnt whined for it, make a point to let her know "I gave you this juice in this cup because you didnt whine for it"... Whining really is pretty temporary when they find it doesnt get a result, you'll get through it. There is a lot of good advice here tho that will get you thru it quicker! ;)

"When I hear whining, I feel resistant and tense because I know that you know that what you want is something that you arent supposed to have right now or you are wishing for something that I cannot provide because I do not own a magic wand."