What to Do When Other Parent's Don't Discipline Thier Kids

I've had my share of relatives and friends who refuse to discipline their children. If one of my relative's/friend's kids are acting up and my kids pick up on it I'll usually let the first thing pass to let the parent say something. If it happens again and they don't say anything, I will. Eventually some people get the point and will start paying attention to their kids and will correct them. If the parents continue to be conveniently oblivious to their child's behavior, then I'd suggest talking with them, as patiently as you can, about the situation.

I do know exactly how you feel!! I hate being around parents that let their children just go crazy and do whatever they want. It is a very hard decision to make wether you say something or you don't. We have that same issue when we are around my brother-in-law, his wife, and children. This is a very touchy subject.

I would have to agree w/ Brandy W. on this conversation. What is the big issue w/ the word "dipstick", especially when playing w/ cars?! Acting agressive or tearing up toys is one thing, but a harmless word? Seriously the are tons of real issues to freak out over. The best thing to do in a situation when other parents will not discipline there children is simply to say "please do not do/say/act like this in my home" or in your case Grandma's home. And offer alternatives- that way you are not just being "mean ole mom" putting an end to all the "fun". But do do this in front of the other parent, that way they know exactly what is going on & it may be a wake up call for them! They may just be embarrassed or unsure to correct there child in public. You could be the inspiration that they need.

You are right to correct your own child, but unless you are VERY VERY close to the other child's mother, and you are POSITIVE she can take constructive criticism without being offended, I would say nothing about how she deals with her child (the only exception to this would be if she was putting her child in danger or her child was being dangerous to your daughter). It just sounds like her child is allowed to act and talk pretty much the way he wants, and it will be hard to break him from this the longer they wait. You may have to just limit your time around them. Being firm and consistent with your daughter about how she is to talk and act is important. You are NOT being mean. :)

I totally understand what you are talking about. Recently, I went through a divorce and My 3yr & 2yr old and myself had to stay with a friend for a month!!!
She let her kids do whatever as long as they werent in her face. As soon as my kids started picking up on their behavior...I took charge. It meant that I was running my butt off but by the end of the month she(the mom) had picked up a few pointers and liked her children a lot more and it turned out that she had just given up!!!!

When your nephew was saying 'dipstick' and your daughter repeated it, I would suggest having told your daughter something along the lines of 'we don't use that word, that's not nice'. If your daughter asks why it's ok for her cousin to say it and not her, you could tell her that other families have other rules. And when your nephew was hitting your daughter's toy, I think it's ok to tell him 'we don't treat our toys that way' so that he learns to respect other people's things. Good luck!

I think you are doing the right thing with what you are doing now. Sad to say if you mention to some parents about their lack of discipline you never know what to expect.

First out you can't change how parents discipline their children. Second if you don't want other children "playing" with their toys don't bring it. Third you did the right thing when you correct your children. I have family that is like this. I limit what my children bring to their house, an inexpensive toy or bubbles or books or nothing. I know it sounds hard not to let your kid to bring his/her favorite toy but explain to her that it's your toy. I have many times put up all their toys at my house so they don't break them and my mother thinks I'm crazy. She's like they are just toys until they are broken and my kids are crying or I have buy another 50 or 60 toy. Also talk w/ your daughter stating the fact that her cousin should respect her toys and that he used not so good words. Don't say anything bad about your sil in front of your daughter she is old enough to repeat and you don't want that to get back to her. You can also talk to sil w/out the kids around and express your concerns to her. Has she always been this way or was she having a bad day? What does your husband have to say about this? My step sil is a awful mom last Easter she went home at my mil and went out w/her husband the whole day. BTW it was the second time the little boy had visit and he did not even know the house or anything. She didn't buy him a basket and I felt so bad because I made my kids these giant basket w/lots of things. So I went out and made him a big basket too, no thank you from my sil. She expect it!!!! You just can't change the way people are selfish and unseeing. If you can stay away! Hope it halps to hear other people have the same problems. lol
L.

I have a sil that is the same way. So I totally understand what you're going through. What I started to do was correct them as if they were one of my own(no spankings, of course) and she appreciates it ,until my mil jumps in and has a problem with it. She started to say things like ya'll better stop or I'll get Auntie K. for yall. Sorry to say but some parents just don't know what's right or wrong until it's brought to their attention. Now when he was saying "dipstick" and if you don't like the word I would have called my daughter over to me and in front of my sil said " mommy doesn't think dipstick is a nice word and we don't laugh at bad words" or however but I think you know what I mean. Now him banging on my daughter's toy that she enjoys and it's not a lil tinker toy. I would have told him to stop. I'm not going to watch someone bang on my car or my walls with his fist. It's not where you are or who it is what you believe is what you believe.

I think that just because you think that "dipstick" is a bad word, other parents may not. You should probably correct your own child's behavior and reserve comments to the other parent for serious infractions that threaten your child (such as hitting). If you don't say something and just sit in judgment of that parent, they will never know that the behavior offends or shocks you. Granted, they may come back and say, "Sorry you feel that way, but it isn't an issue for me," but they may also see where you're coming from, apologize, and correct the behavior.

If this is your sister-in-law and you see them often, can't you have a talk with her about how you feel? What's the worse thing that can happen? Your nephew can't come around and beat up your daughter's toys and teach her words you don't approve of? If she wants to be civil,I think she will work with you on rules you both can live by, don't you?
Best wishes.

I have the same kind of problem with my nephew... I just tell my daughter that "Just because XXX is allowed to say/do that doesn't mean that you are allowed to." I've been doing that since she was about 2 and it works for me- but then I can look at her crosseyed and she'll cry! And yes, I say it in front of whatever parent is there. You need to raise YOUR child YOUR way, and if you don't allow her to do/say something, that's your perogative. You're the mommy- don't let your fear of others negative comments dictate how you raise your baby.

I see that you have received a whole range of advice already so I'll keep my two cents short.
I believe that you're on the right track. I wouldn't fly off the handle at the other mother because that would only cause problems.. possibly. But when it comes to respecting other peoples property, you must stand up for what is yours. I would have said too that "you shouldn't hit her computer. We don't treat our toys like that and if you continue, I will take it away and you won't be allowed to play with it." I agree also with you correcting your child to not use words that you feel are inappropriate for her. Other kids may be allowed to say the most offensive things, but teaching your child that you have rules and those rules must be followed is the most important thing. Good for you for letting her know that it was not acceptable.
We have a friend with an unruly child and when he comes in and starts tearing through the house, we tell him to get outside. We tell him that he can go outside and climb trees or kick at the dirt, but he cannot come inside and tear up our stuff. PERIOD! His mother standing there and all. We have to protect our stuff and if his mother gets her feathers ruffled about it, then she doesn't need to bring him over.
That's my opinion. Have a great day.

Hi J.,

First let me say that you don't have to come unglued! You are absolutely correct in correcting the behavior of your child. Unfortunately, every mother doesn't do this. But I feel that we as mothers, aunts, sisters, grandmothers, etc have a responsibility not only to our own children, but to other children. We have to look at it as helping, not just trying to teach them what's right. If we start to focus on the positive, especially from a kid's view, we start to gain their trust and they will want to do what's right. Growing up is hard and you have to remember that all adults haven't quite grew up themselves, leaving kids almost always trying to see what they can get away with. But it is not just up to you, it's up to all of us. Some people don't like to interfere but what happens if that same kid grew up to disrespect you and hate your daughter. Act in a loving manner and show him that you care about him and that it's not right to act in such a way. His mother may follow the lead. But if she doesn't and get's mad at you, explain to her your responsibility. If she still doesn't understand, you need to look at getting your child new playmates because it will be trouble down the road for a child that is not disciplined! The most important thing is to keep God's way of discipline the only way!

I know this is late compared to the queastion, but for others newly looking for this help here' my two cents.

In our family we all watch the kids. I have several cousins who have kids, I have a doughter and son and my sister has a son and daughter. We have some kids with the same issues that you hinted at. If kids are doing something they shouldn't and Mom or Dad doesn't see or say anything, then ANY adult can "get after" (correct) them. It's a family thing thing, even if the kids aren't family and are friends of the family. Depending on the severity of the issue is how severely we get after them. "Don't bang on the toy, or you can't play with it" for a first offense. "I'm putting it away now since you couldn't respect it" for the SECOND offense, not third or fourth offense. He's your nephew and she's your daughter... Do what needs to be done.

For really serious offenses, I will take it up to the parents. "Dipstick" is something I would have handled the way you did. I normally call my kids over and tell them something like "I know Tommy said this in this fashion, but it's not really a nice way of saying it. Dipstick is a part of the vehicle, but calling someone a dipstick is a way if calling someone dumb. If it's the NAME of ONE car it's okay (for example: the movie CARS has some names that you wouldn't normally let the kids call others, but in the movie it's an actual name not a put-down), but if all of the cars are being called dipstick then it's not okay".

I know this sounds drawn out but I have fairly well-behaved kids because of it. It teaches them compassion and respect as well as giving them reasons they can tell others when other kids try to talk them into doing things they have been taught not to do.

Hope this helps others.
Donna :)

I really don't see what the problem is with "dipstick", especially in the instance of playing with cars. It's part of the engine, it's not a curse word, I just don't see the problem there. However, the hitting of toys is unacceptable. If the nephew is hitting a toy that belongs to your child, say something the first time he does it. You don't have to be mean about it, just firm. "Please don't hit that, we don't want it broken" would do. If the sister-in-law says something to you about it you can just explain to her that you would rather not have to replace a broken toy. I really don't think she will even give it a second thought. I know if my daughter is acting up and I don't happen to see it, I don't mind an adult nicely telling her to stop whatever it is she is doing.

Sounds like you want to know where the boundaries are when dealing with other people's children/things/at other's homes.

First, I think you handled the situation with "dipstick" correctly. It is his parent's job to correct him, you are only in charge of your child in that kind of situation.

With the computer, it belongs to you, you can correct him if he is not handling it properly. So, when he was beating it with his fist you could have gently said "Festus (or whatever), we don't treat toys like that." If he continued, remove the toy.

Here are the rules of thumb that I stick to in these situations:
1. If the other kids parents are around, you let them handle him. You are only responsible for your own child(unless the child is in mortal danger like running into traffic or something).
2. If your personal property is being compromised in any way, you have the right to react to protect it from anyone.
Hope this helps!

I have had to say things to other kids, even if the mom is there, especially if it is affecting my child or her belongings. You are family and it should not be a problem for you just say in a nice way "please don't do/say that anymore". The other mom should not get offended, but if she does you were looking out for your child.