What to Do About My 9 Year Old Daughter

Sounds like there is something else going on other than attitude. Other than military life, is their anything else that is new,changed or different? Sounds like she is not happy aabout something or something is going on to where she feels she needs to exert control over things she can oppossed to something she can't. I would sit down with her, 1 on 1 and ask. I would also ask her siblings if they know what is going on, or if they have noticed anything, even the 4 year old. Kids are very observant. Start there and see what you find out. Good luck

Hi G.,

Girls can be so emotional!!!!!!!!

I am so sorry for what you are dealing with in your household. It is so important that you get it under control NOW!!!! My stepdaughter at age 8 & 9 had this "attitude" and nobody (meaning her parents) would/wanted to repremend her because they thought she was "finding her way" through the divorce and felt it all attributed to that. Well.........let me tell you, there was more to it than just the divorce, and because everybody "tip-toed" around her, it made it worse.

She went through all of school with this "attitude" with only moments of the loving little girl that she really was. Along with the attitude came behaviors that acted more mature than her age. Eventually, all of this got her into trouble and her "world finally began to crash"....nobody wanted to be friends with her, grades, etc....

Thankfully, the dust had long settled from the divorce, and I was able to finally "help" my husband in our home. We basically sat her down, and told her that when we look at her, we see this beauitful loving little girl that used to scream every time she saw a worm because she thought it was a snake.... (our ice breaker)....we then told her that our "vision" of her has been clouded with another person who is mean and disrespectful to her friends and family. This person is not welcome in the house and needs to leave, we want our REAL daughter back. So (we asked),what is really so wrong with your life that you have to behave this way? Her reponse was:

Nobody understands me, and I can never explain myself because nobody gives me the chance to. And then on, and on, and on.....

Our solution was to tell her that we are "starting over" and giving her a chance to begin fresh in our home. She LOVED that! Everything went well for about 3-4 days, then she began to start it all over again. BUT... this time we were prepared :O) We were stronger with enforcing our rules in the house and how she was and wasn't allowed to speak to us, and exactly what was expected of her. It truly worked :O) At least in our home. Her mom's home was different, but that's another story :o)

Anyway, at age 22 she is doing very well. To this day she has a very respectful relationship with her dad & I. She doesn't have that with her mom, even now.

Point is, you have to demand respect in order to receive it sometimes. And as long as you and your husband keep being respectful towards her, she will eventually do the same.

Good Luck, G.

~N. :o)

Try a little 'succesive approximation' which is a behavioral technique where you move towards a bigger behavior (like a whale jumping over a rope) by rewarding little steps in the right direction (like just simming over the rope). In this case, very specific praise for certain behaviors, such as, 'Honey, I really appreciate that you put your PJs on when I asked you-- it's a big relief to me when the evening goes so smoothly' rewards the bevior you want, and lets her know exactly what it was. Also, it will help make you more aware of how much she may really cooperate, which is easy to overlook when you're stressed.
Good luck!

I'll have to think about your question a bit more but I just wanted to say, THANK YOU and may you stay safe in your duties. God Bless military families.

Well, I feel for you. I can only speak from my experiences. My daughter is 11 and my son is 5. We are a college football coaching family, and that too, is a lifestyle of it's own. We too, have emergences of the attitude, and though it is exhausting, you have to respond to it with full force, every time. I hammer it in that it is unacceptable in our family. Notice how her friends talk and behave. There is a lot of that behavior out there, especially with other girls and their parents, and between each other. I am constantly reminding my daughter that while that may be acceptable to her friends parents, it is unacceptable in our family. Do not talk to adults that way or her sibling. She knows better that to say I am not the Boss of her, but if she did, you can bet that I would be in her face every minute reminding her of how I am the Boss of her in every way. At the same time, she needs a lot of mom & me time attention. So I take time to do her nails, take her to Starbucks, bring her lunch to school from her favorite place. One thing that she loved was when her dad sent her flowers to school for no reason at all - try it.

Best wishes.

As a military wife (I think we're probably in the same branch based on your location) I can tell you living on base is sooooooo tough.

I've been in this lifestyle going on 18 years now and have been through the ups and downs (and the flat out hatred) of it many many times.

My bet is that she is rebelling. But it's probably out of anger, hurt and fear. I'm guessing this is a recent PCS for your family. So her life got turned upside down with the move itself. Add to that the challenges and bazillion more rules she has to follow because of living in base housing and there ya go. That doesn't make her behavior ok, but it does give you some insight into what's going on.

Sit down and talk to her about everything that has happened recently. Let her know you understand this is hard and that she probably misses all her friends and so forth. Talk about ways you can work together to get everyone through the rough transition. Let her know you are ALWAYS there to talk to about what's going on. But also make it clear that YES you are the boss of her and will continue to be so until she's paying her own bills.

And definitely try to get some alone time with her to talk about stuff. Maybe one of the weekend nights have her cuddle in bed with you and just have a mommy and me chat. Talk about whatever. And definitely let her know you have felt the same feelings to some degree.

And on a final note ... respect is EARNED and it's a two way street ... you have to give it to get it.

I hope this has been helpful. Feel free to contact me at anytime. This is a lifestyle that only those within it truely understand and I'll be happy to help out in any way I can.

Good luck.

It sounds like you're in a kind of difficult, downward spiral. I'd suggest checking out the book "Positive Discipline," by Nelsen, it really might work for your daughter. Please give us an update if/when things change!

Dear G.,

You are the Mama of a 9 year old “not mean spirited – just acts mean spirited, little trouble maker in the home”? Gees 9 is so young and yet she lives in “ATTITUDE CITY”? Is this ATTITUDE street, blvd, court or road?

This sounds like classic middle child stuff, but still, you and her father ARE the BOSS of her! So if she thinks there’s nothing you can do about her behavior, you will need to let her know YES YOU CAN.

Start with a clean slate and room. She will have her bed, covers, night-light, favorite doll or stuffed animal. Everything else goes and must be earned back by good behavior.

Ask her what is important to her and let her know in order to earn things and privileges back; she must become a better person, a contributing part of your family.

Keep in mind and let her know that these rules not only apply to her, but to your 11 year old as well. Above all don't make her feel singled out.

Blessings.....

First off you are the boss of your daughter. She is nine. I have noticed many nine year olds think that they are seventeen rather than nine. Reminded her that she is nine and then give her responibilies that a nine year old should have so she can be the boss of part of her life. At nine she should be able to do laundry, vacuum, make breakfast, pack lunch for everyone, and with a little help from you make dinner- working towards making simple dinners by herself. She needs more to do. Show her what to do, Expect her to do it and take the consequences- Yea! or Nay.

I find that talking with my daughter when she is not giving me attitude is most rewarding for me. After she is done with her time out and has forgotten she is upset with me I ask why she has been so mean. She will usually tell me about a problem in school with a class mate or teacher. We forget sometimes because they are only nine. But we consider as little issues that are bothering them are HUGE issues to a nine year old. Usually after listing to her problem, I try to give her the best advice with handling the situation I then find an activity we can do together to get her mind off whats going on at school.

My daughter is 10. When she was 7 she was at her major attitude stage. She has calmed down alot since then. A book that really helped me was HOW TO BEHAVE SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL TOO. By Sal Severe. It's a really good book. It helped me as far as learning different aproaches with my daughter. good luck.

G.,
I do not have a nine ear old yet but my son will be nine in a hand full of years. I had an idea that I think that I would try if this happened to me. I'm not saying that it is correct but I think it would work. I would simply say, "Okay, if I am not the boss of you, then I guess that I don't have to make your dinner, wash your clothes or drive you anywhere." "Thank you so much for giving me the extra time to do some things for the others in this house."
I bet you anything that she would think about that and panic when there was no place at the dinner table, no clean clothes and no way to get to outside activities.
Then when she decides she doesn't like the new plans, talk with her and discuss how she needs to be respectful of adults, etc......

Practical advice: Start a marble jar. Buy a glass jar (mine is a soda shop candy store style with a lid) and a bunch of marbles (I bought the kind that go in the bottom of flower vases). Decide what you are going to give her marbles for (saying thank you, doing what she is asked, telling you something nice about her day, a small kindness, singing in the car, being brave, flushing the toilet, anything you are hoping to achieve). Tell her when the jar is full she gets $10. I've been doing this with my 2 sons for 6 months (one jar that they work together to fill--it takes about a month to fill it) and the results have been amazing and wonderful. They are such a delight, kind to each other, helpful, responsible, and share information about their day. It wasn't like that before. It's worth every penny. They get to spend their money on whatever they want. We usually leave for the store the day they get their money so they get instant gratification. I bought many colors of marbles, so each month we make a different picture in the marble jar. This month I made a snowman's face. October we filled the jar with Skittles and M&Ms. November with dry soup beans. Good luck.
N.

I have 2 daughters, one 14 and one 10. My younger one is also a middle child (we have a 4yr old boy). Around 9 she went through the whole attitude thing. We are very big on having sit-downs where we discuss what is acceptable and what is not. We do this at a neutral moment, not during the argument. We discuss what has been bothering us about her attitude but we also give her time to vent her feelings and what is going on with her. We try to have these discussion just with her, when her brother and sister are occupied elsewhere. Its amazing what comes and what they are feeling. We explain that we understand her feeling no matter what they are (whether its school that’s bothering here, friends or siblings) and that we will try to help her sort that and her feelings out, but we will not tolerate attitude or disobedience from her at all. Usually we have pretty good success with that. She gets to know that we are on her side and there for her but that she still has to follow the house rules. Based on the 2 girls it gets better and then worse and then hopefully it will get better as they get older. We just continue to work on it. Good Luck and makes sure she knows how much you love her. Lots of hugs.

I like the response below, esp. the part about the lots of mom and me attention, but I would add that if other tactics don't work maybe you can try ignoring the behavior instead of responding to it so much.

It seems that she is getting a lot of attention for negative behavior, and I know from experience that certain kids will take negative attention if they aren't getting enough positive attention.

Ultimately, you know that you ARE the boss of her, so her saying that is meaningless and not really worth any discussion.

G.

I am a homeschool mom, and having three kids around me every hour of every day, I can relate. I use spanking for discipline, and without that tool I would be a basket case.

There are times when I go off course, meaning, I ignore bad behavior or yell and scream. What a mistake that has been for me.
When I get back on track with discipline my kids fall right into line and they are brought back into the realm of blessing. This kind of discipline will give you the results you are looking for. If you are a step parent then this might not work for you. It works well otherwise.

It is outlined in the book "Shepherding Your Child's Heart" by Ted Tripp.