What to Do About Boyfriend

Mom,

you sound burnt out,

I have a few suggestions,

you need to start asking for help,from friends and family so you have time for you.without HIM and the baby.

second you need to STOP wishing your life was diffrent

ITS NOT, this is your life and your daughters life,In my opinion you have a darn good life.

YOU cannot change this man, but you can change yourself
and you are the only person standing in the way of your own happiness.

Stop wishing he was someone else,

He is a young man, who is immature and irresponsible

BUT he is a good man, trying to do right by you and your baby, and faithful, and pays the bills.

THAT is more than most men do.

the grass is not always greener, "BETTER" No just diffrent.

He is young , inexperienced and his salary reflects this its normal, it takes atleast 5 years in the work place to start earning at a decent level and you need to be very motivated and patient.

in the next few years both of you will grow and change, as will your daughter, the first 2 years of marriage are the most difficult, then it gets mildly easier for the next 3 following ( basically in 5 years you will be in a better place)

DATING for 3 years is NOT marriage
Neither is just living together.

Don't bad mouth this man to your family, if you need to vent vent to the computer or a friend you rarely talk to and who won't see him.

Everytime you tell your mom about him in a negative light it makes them POISON YOU about him.

Start appreciating HIM, or someone else will.

( he loves you and at some point he will realize what a catch you are, and a great mom)

Men do not think like women.

You don't want him to leave because you love him, and your a family. pROBLEM IS YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT WORK.

I will tell you, exactly what you need to do.

LET all his flaws and personality defects go, see the good in him, and focus on that,

don't try to change him, accept him

don't over analyze everything, Let it go,

don't listen to what everyone else is saying, and stop telling them your business.

If you are busy telling everyone else what is wrong , you start to feel like everything is going wrong,

IF you focus on the good, EVEYTHING will go well.

In a marriage we say horrible things to eachother, really terrible things, but you come back to eachother, commited to stay together,

He doesn't need to grovel at your feet, he has every right to hang out with friends, so do you, just because you have a child doesn't mean your life stops. your dreams end.

NO its merely a diffrent chapter

If he wants to go out let him, or get a sitter and go with him, and if your tired then thats on you, don't feel resentful that you aren't going out too ,

You want complete control and then resent him for it afterwards.

You can't have it both ways honey, you are very young,
as is he, and you will become a family, this is part of it,
you either fight for your family or fight against it,

Which one are you fighting for?

You can make it work, just start trying harder,

Everytime you begin to argue stop yourself, and say I LOVE YOU
HUG him and kiss him everyday, before and after work

Have a dinner waiting for your man, and give him sex atleast once per week,make sure both you and him get enough sleep.

If you make sure he gets all these things your marriage will improve.

When he says you are a fat lazy good for nothing pig, you say,
Your right, I am disgusting, but I love you.and want only the best for you,

Kill him with kindness and it will change everything,

Not everything has to be a battle , fight to the death, there doens't have to be a winner to every argument.

Let it go.

work on your FAMILY relationship, not just what will make YOU happy.. its just not about you anymore. you don't have that luxury. your daughter needs a father , and he seems like a good one, maybe not the best but he's yours. and he seems to be trying,

so try a little harder to make it work, CHANGE yourself
and your marriage will change.

good luck

M

Yes, you and your daughter do deserve better. Get rid of him and work hard to make it work financially. Seek out every program that you qualify for and get help. I know you can do it. Good luck & stay strong.

A.

We've all been there in some way or another, BUT...you know what you want, you know what he is and isn't, you know he has no possibilities for improvement and in the end, don't think of yourself, think of your baby girl. He can play all the games he wants with you and before your baby girl, that was all well and good, now, you as her mother, as her protector, cannot allow these games to continue. NEVER play the "woe is me" woman, don't allow yourself to do this. You have a baby girl to care for and teach. Don't teach her to settle for what she does not deserve. YOU..don't allow yourself to settle. It is said, that if you do not have a soul for yourself, you cannot pass one on to your daughter. Be more
not only for yourself, but for your daughter. You know this man is not for you, follow your instincts. Close the door to this chapter and move on to what you and your daughter deserve. As for the money issue, where there is a will there is a way T.. You mention family, can't they help you, take you in until you get on your own 2 feet? Do you not have a friend you can roommate with? Think good and hard for your alternatives because there is no turning back the time for your daughter should she witness a man and a woman that cannot be positive figures in her life. Have faith in yourself and your beliefs, be the strong woman your daughter needs you to be. Remember, you are making this choice for the both of you and your futures.I wish you all the best. Good Luck!

"I also KNOW that he is not right for me, that i deserve much better and will be better off on my own.... blames it all on me for not being able to make it work...You do know what needs to be done. Is there any way you can move in with family? I know you mentioned finances, but money should never be the reason you stay with someone. Live apart...stay with family....get yourself together first....if he can be a GOOD dad to his daughter and a GREAT Friend to you for awhile, then maybe try and get back together. But it just sounds like a very bad situation.

I let an abusive first husband, with my 0then0 4 1/2 year old son. I never knew how we did it, but we had each other, and family. I will always remember my therapist asking if I though my son would thank me for staying with his father, while so unhappy, for his sake. It will be hard for a while, but you need to look after yourself first, and that will be doing the best for your child. Speak to your family and friends, and really listen to what they say. Good luck

T.,
You already answered your own question. It seems that you need to hear it from others. You said:

"We fight all the time and I am scared how this will impact the baby. I also KNOW that he is not right for me, that I deserve much better and will be better off on my own."

You are 100% correct!!! You do deserve better! He is using the baby to get what he wants (for the most part) you. He wants to be in controal of everything. If he wants his freedom, I say let him have it! He is NOT going to change no matter how much you hope and pray. As to staying with him for the sake of the baby, that is total Bull S%&*! How is it going to benefit the child being raised in an unhappy relationship. Children pick up on these things. Get rid of him while she is young! Children are more adaptable when they are younger. Do you want her growing up learning that women should be disrespected??? Often when a person grows up in an unhealthy enviorment, it trains them to seek out the same type of relationship later in life.

You say you deserve better, doesn't she?? By staying with him you are not giving your daughter the best start learning how to love and show love towards others. I think you both deserve a good loving and caring man in your lives. There are some out there. Be patient and wait for the right one, don't waste anymore time on this self centered jerk.

OH YEAH!!! I forgot you said your family doesn't like him! HHHUUMMMMM sounds like you would have love and support coming from them. I'm sure your parents have been praying for you to wake up and smell the roses. If you don't feel you can leave him for yourself, leave him for the sake of all the people who LOVE YOU! Let me guess, if he allows you to have your own friends, I'm sure they don't like him much either.

Like I said at the start, you already answered your own question.

If for no other reason than your daughter's sake, end it! It's not good that she see's you being "treated badly" and it's also not good for her that you're "a mess" for 2 days! He wants to be with his friends and have his freedom because he became a dad before he was ready to! Go to www.lifehaven.org. They can probably help you find what you need, give you help, and support. You CAN do this without him. Of course you'll be in each other's lives because of your daughter, but you said it yourself ~ you know he's not right for you. The things he's telling you are classic of an abuser!!! Maybe not physical (yet), but he knows just what to say to get you to stay. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THAT!! Check out lifehaven or go on the web and see who in your area can help you. There are agencies that will provide support as well as advice. Good luck.