What to Do About Bf's Child's Behavior

We're in the same situation, & the only thing we can do is not play with them. It's for the safety of my child. Good luck!

I know how you are feeling. I did not have the destructive part, but other behavior issues that were of a MAJOR concern. Your home is a place where your family should be able to go and feel safe. When your friends child is at your house it does not sound like you can feel safe and secure. You have your children to look out for ~ it would be horrible if something happened to one of them. It sounds like even if you set limits on the child, she does not listen ~ nor does the mother. If the mother can not control the child, I am not sure how you are supposed to. I think that the only solution is to not have the child over without her mother ~ I am not sure that even then it is a good idea. I think you can still be friends with the mom, but her child does not need to be around your children OR your home until she can act right. I think she can find someone to watch her daughter at HER home and the two of you can hang out. I know it is hard ~ I am sorry you have to go through this ~ it was very tough for me. My friend and I grew apart for a while until our girls got back on the same maturity level ~ our children are OUR responsibilty to protect and sometimes that means doing things that we are not comfortable with. Try and take the emotional part out of it and look at it ... easier said that done right? Best of Luck to you!

Hi E.,

I completely know what you're going through and how hard it can be to speak up about someone else's child's behavior.
I actually have the exact same problems with my nephew who is 5 and he is SOOO hyper and loud.
Every time my sister comes over, I'm ready to pull my hair out. She literally does nothing to discipline him and she's someone that makes you feel uncomfortable if you correct him.....
It's gotten to the point to where we pretty much only see each other at the park or mc donalds where the kids can run and be loud and I don't have to worry about my home being a wreck from her son......
And yes, it does set very bad examples to our children as well and scary how quick they'll start mimicking the bad behavior so I had to just stop hanging out with her.

Me and my sister are 2 yrs apart, very close and I hate that the behavior of her son has to keep us apart. I wish more than anything she would speak up to him and correct his behavior more but she acts as if this is how boys are supposed to be and I know it's not.....(I have 2 myself).

So anyhow, if your friend just refuses to speak up about her kids behavior and correct it the right way, I would just start hanging out with her places other than your house.....(park, mcdonalds, chuck e cheeses) etc....

Good luck and hope everything works out for you.
N.

E., you already know what to tell her. You said it yourself..."I would like to continue to have my girlfriend over to the house. But I don't enjoy displine and watching out for the child. "

Tell her that. Its not our place to tell other Mom's how to raise their children but it IS our place to tell others how they are expected to behave in our homes and around our own children.
Just say,"Sue(your bf), you are my best friend and I love having you over but I don't want to be responsible for disciplining and watching over Jane while you're here because I can't enjoy your company. If she cannot follow the rules I have set out for my home, and if you don't expect her to either, then I prefer you come alone when visiting so I can enjoy my time with you."
I'm pretty close with my best friend and to be honest, if I were in your shoes, I'd just say,"Jessica, your daughter is a brat. If you're not going to keep her from acting up when she's here then you'll have to leave her at home when you visit b/c I don't want my son picking up from her example. I've worked very hard to make him the well behaved boy he is!".
My best friend and I speak to each other in brutal honesty. We've know each other since we were little. She doesn't have any children yet but I always get after her for not disciplining her dog. I've told her many times that she is going to be the type who lets her children run wild!
Good luck! :)

Children look to all adults for guidance not just their parents. In your house you make the rules and you enforce the consequences when they are not obeyed. Tell her running is not allowed; if she continues to do it, put her in a time out chair. Do not be harsh with her, but be firm and make sure you follow up with. "Do you understand why you had to sit in time out?" Make sure she knows you care about her and the other children's safety. Her mother may not understand how to discipline her child and may be able to learn from you as well.
It is always an uncomfortable position to be in when another parent does not control his or her child as well as we would expect but you have to set the example. My best friend has an extremely well behaved 3 year old little girl but we have an understanding and an expectation that if she is doing something that is not allowed and they don't see it, I am expected to correct her behaviour and vice versa.
You can soften your tone with your friend by joking about an old aunt that used to put you time out all the time and how you grew up to respect her or something. In time she'll learn what the acceptable behaviour is in your home.
Good luck.

You have received good advice. Since your friend doesn't/won't correct her daughter at your home you may have to sever the connection. If she asks why and tell her straight up -- it's your home. If she can't do it, then it's time to find a new BF. Don't let her ruin your family's goals and home. Is she going to pay to replace all the broken toys and refinish the floors? I don't think so. Friends come and go and it sounds like she is on the way out. Good luck to you. Remember you are the queen of your castle.

One: Don't invite her over anymore. Meet at the park or another place where she doesn't have the opportunity to destroy your house.
Two: she may think that her daughters behavior is normal. and in a way, maybe it is. All kids test their boundaries. So in that respect it is. But it is NOT normal for her not to be taught better and trained in the art of manners and self control. Nor should adults tolerate the behavior just because it is "normal". She definately needs some limits and discipline, self control.
Her mother is lazy and allows her to behave as a brat. With the magical thinking that she will correct herself sometime. WRONG!! It will be to hard to correct herself when her mother has allowed her to do what ever she pleases. Why would she do something so hard and not fun? She won't. What is unfortunate, is that no-one will want to be around this girl, nor help teach her better because the mother wouldn't allow it anyway. Because "nothing" is wrong to begin with.
If she has no more thought to her boyfriends complaints,I doubt she will honor your input either. She obviously doesn't care that her child is a demon and has no intention of stopping her behavior.
I would respectfully agree to meet outside of my home. I would leave my kids somewhere else, but not around her daughter (it is a safety issue for me). If she asks why she can't come over with her daughter, I would tell her because her daughter has a problem with the rules and is not respectful or your house or your things. That you don't want to hurt her feelings and that you value your friendship but find that you don't have a good time with the visit at your house.
I don't think that I would end up keeping her as a friend. Any friends I have would be open to any input I might have had toward their childs behaviour and would have respected my opinion. As I would have had towards theirs. Not always easy to hear, not always liked what was said, but would have listened and seriously thought about what people close to me were telling me. They only have my and my kids best interest at heart. Any of my friends would have said something gently, and also offered to help. If you talk to her and she gets angry, then you have probably out grown the relationship. That is normal. We all have relationships that change as we move through life. If she is open to help, but doesn't know how to change or what to do, then offer to help her. She may be embarassed about not knowing what to do or how to control her child.
It is a sad day. When that child gets older she will not listen to authority. She will be a horrible teenager. And more than likely, she will end up being taught how to control herself by the police, because her mother never taught her. She will have no self-control, she will be indulgent (can you say drugs), arguementative, destructive to herself and those around her. No-one will really like her because she has no social skills.
If your friend is open to help, I recommend "To Train Up a Child" by Mike and Debi Pearle. They also have a few companion books, "No Greater Joy". They might also help you deal with your friends daughter.
You may need to realize that you can't help and that it is time to move on with your life.
Good luck,
L.

I can't really offer any advice that the other ladies haven't already given you - limit their visits to your home or meet in another place. What I did want to add is that I have a nine year old daughter so I can agree with the other mom that said this behavior is not appropriate for the age at all. Even my daughter's "wildest" friends do not act like this. Sad thing is, with that type of behavior, I can guarantee that this little girl probably has no friends at school. My daughter has spoken of kids from her school whose behavior isn't like their peers and sadly, they are shunned by the rest. She's probably got lots more problems than just being too rowdy....It's a shame that your friend doesn't have the energy or desire to help her daughter before she finds herself in very serious problems. Best wishes...

Hi E.,

I’m curious about when the divorce happened and what kind of custody arrangement the parents have at this point. Also, how does the child act at school? Is she successful? Does she play “with” your kids or others, or does she just play “around” your kids. It sounds like she interacts with the toys not the people in the room.

Her behavior is NOT normal, developmentally speaking, for a nine year old. That is something that your friend really needs to understand.

Since I don’t know any background - how long the parents have been divorced, how the parents disciplined the daughter b/f the divorce and how they interacted with each other. (Lots of arguing in front of her?) I can’t give you any real “advice”.

However, you’ve asked for our opinions, so I would propose to you, that you suggest to mom she get in touch with the teachers and school counselor to determine:
1. If her daughter acts out at school, also if she is being successful academically.
2. Appropriate methods of teaching the child and mom (and dad and boyfriend, etc.) how to behave in different environments.
3. Other resources for parenting or counseling.

Again, my opinion is that her behavior is NOT developmentally normal for a nine year old and your friend needs to find out what is going on. Divorce is hard for everyone so your friend may not even notice what’s going on with her daughter. It’s also easy to not see something in your own child b/c you’re simply “used to it”. So it doesn’t seem unusual. But in this case, it is.

Good luck, I hope she gets both her daughter and herself some help. Today.

M.

If it were me ... I rarely discipline someone else's child especially if the parent is present. Unless it were something more severe.

My only advice is to stop having play dates at your home ... clearly that's not working ... perhaps some play dates at McDs, her home or the playground. I would try and talk to her .. perhaps bring up the subject ... take an easy approach ... don't be super 'confrontational'.

Good luck .. that's a tough situation.