May 13, 2007,
L.D. asks from Hammond, IN on May 08, 2007
Future Step-child Antagonizes My 7 Year Old
She is downright mean! Sneaky too. I've caught her doing/saying hurtful things to my daughter. Problem is, not only do I not know how to correct her since she's not mine, she doesn't listen anyway. She is defiant and flat out ignores people (her father included). My boyfriend is an every other weekend dad so when he's got the kids he'd rather just have fun with them and not discipline. My daughter gets so mad when I correct her for fighting with his daughter she cries and her whole body SHAKES. She is always coming to me saying she did this or she said that and I would punish my child for that but his gets away with it everytime. She is dying for attention- even bad. My daughter is very gentle and sensitive. It is completely unfair to my kid and she doesn't understand. I cannot discipline the other girl. My boyfriend and I tell her to ignore her but it doesn't do much good. She can't control her emotions not to let her frustration show and that is the other girl's goal. Any ideas on how to have a peaceful weekend would be appreciated.
H.G. answers from Chicago on May 08, 2007
L., you definitely need to talk with your BF and explain if his daughter continues this behavior, she is NOT welcome in your home. this is not a joke, it is serious and going to negitively effect your own, sensitive, well behaved daughter. he needs to be a DAD... being a dad is fun AND discipline, or else his own little girl is going to grow up and continue to be a little antagonizing snot thinking its ok. it is not helping her, either by allowing this behavior....
if he allows it to continue, think of your child first and let him know that emotionally destroying your daughter is not tolerable and you can not marry into his family or be a part of his life... im sure the thought of losing you will make him do something to stop this, like put his kid in some serious behaviour counseling, and if not, then think of your little girl and say bye bye.
2 moms found this helpful
J.A. answers from Chicago on May 09, 2007
I had to deal with step siblings and a step dad, i had more problems with my step dad than any of his childern. the best thing is to try to figure where you stand with his kids and displine, and try to set boundries with everyone.
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L. answers from Chicago on May 08, 2007
I think that your boyfriend needs to work with his daughter to understand the behavior and then work to correct it. You say that he is an every other weekend Dad. Does he do things during the week with his children? The daughter might be doing this behavior because she feels that she is going to be/is replaced by your daughter. That would be extremly scary to and 8 or 10 year old.
It doesn't excuse the behavior, but makes it more understandable. I think that your boyfriend needs to work with the mother of the daughter as well so both the mother and the father explain to her that she will always be important to her Dad and no one will take her place. By having the mother reinforce that it might have more power. Maybe they need to do things by themselves sometimes. By investing the extra time with her, that should help and then he can explain to her that her behavior is not acceptable.
Maybe also explaining to your daughter why the other girl is that way might also help her deal with the other child's cruelity.
K. answers from Chicago on May 13, 2007
You have every right to discipline her. If you don't do it now it will be worse as they get older and she really doesn't listen. Kids need discipline. Just because her father won't give it to her then you need to. You daughter should not feel tortured or down. This is going to affect her emotionally and her self esteem. Good Luck
R.K. answers from Chicago on May 09, 2007
I have the very same situation - 10 yr old stepdaughter who is moody, rude and hateful. My DH is an every weekend dad, and still the behavior goes on. It does have alot to do with getting attention, but it also has alot to do with the conversations being held in her mom's house (they ignore her and talk like she isn't there).
I explained to my DH that he was doing his daughter a diservice by not disciplining her and if it continued, she would be extremely hard to control down the line. He absolutely needed to have a couple of talks with her outlining acceptable behavior.
I told my son that he did not have to put up with mistreatment from anyone and that he had permission to stand up for himself. I gave him ideas like 1.) when she was rude, he had permission to say to her "you cannot talk to me like this. If you keep it up, I'm not going to talk to/play with you again today", 2.) he could retreat to the quiet and sanctity of his room and didn't have to interact with her (she likes to come and play with his games and toys, but not always good about sharing hers), 3.) he could ignore her (treat her likes she treated him).
After a couple of instances where she got the same treatment back, along with her father explaining to her that we respect each other in our house, she got the message. Her moods are much better and she and my son get along better.
Be sure to give your child the support she needs to deal with this situation. Blended families are very stressful, but if the kids feel like they have support while they are going thru the blending, it helps.
A. answers from Chicago on May 09, 2007
I feel for you and your daughter and what your are going through. There is no such thing that you can't discipline her!!! I am a child care provider and children show agressive behavior for a reason. You and her mom need to sit down and discuss your discipline methods and hers as well and help the child since the child will be around. It seems like the dad doesn't want to get involved. As women then we need to take that step and do what's best for our child and the situation!