What to Do???? - Liverpool,NY

I would definitely call social services or the police even. The father's behavior is very shady. Don't have later regrets. The child may have been acting out previous experiences with another male adult in his life. Something is not right.
K. G.

Run to the phone and call the police. (not 911). This poor little boy is being sexually abused and desperately needs someone to stand up for him. Report this immediately.

That is such an upsetting story. I would say you HAVE to call social services. It's better to be safe than sorry. It's the right thing to do. I feel so bad for that little boy, especially if his father is the one abusing him. Good luck, and please do something.

I beleive that there is no legal duty to report the situation, but I certainly belive that there is a moral duty to report it. If you think about it there is absolutely no harm that could come from reporting the situation to social services. They will conduct an investigation and if they find that there is something happening then they will act to correct the situation and if nothing is happening then nothing will happen. It is always better to prevent further harm than to wonder after something worse happens. Please report this case to your local police or social service agency!!!

M.,
Your friend, the one that saw the act, must call the police and you must do it soon. There is no other decision. You and your friend must also keep your kids away from that man. The fact that the child has no one else is sad, but sentencing him to a life of being sodomized is not "better" than a life with another family. You must intervene. It will be very hard but you have to.

Children will explore and touch and look at their privates. But to place their mouth on another child or to perform any sex act is not normal. The chance that the boy is being abused is VERY high. He is performing on his father or his father is performing on him. It is sad and disgusting, but you must not look the other way. Please do the right thing and call the police. E-mail me privately if you have questions.

You have to call child protective services! An absolute must!!!!! There are children in danger and you need to help them! It can be annoymous too!

I would definially along with your friend resport it to social services, the school and the local police. Let the professionals find out and decide what needs to be done to protect this child... This childs fathers reaction was totally inappropriate and he needs to made to take responsibility for his actions.

It's normal for children this age to be curious, but when it gets to thepoint where curiosity looks like something else, CALL CYS!! cal your local children and youth services. Not only or the other child but for your as well. Let your child know that this is not acceptable behavior in a calm and firm manner.

Good luck,
Nanc

As a former child Protective Services worker...please report this to Child Protective Services ASAP--or better have your friend report it directly. This boys behavior is a strong indicator he is or has been abused. The father's behavior is also suspicious, I agree. There is a chance that the father may not be the abuser but he obviously doesn't know how to handle the situation in a way that helps his son. A lot of parents don't really know how to handle this kind of situation and this is why CPS and Law Enforcement do have experts who can find out what is happening, usually without the interview process being too distressing for the child.

Dear M.,

Children of that age become curious about certain parts of thier bodies and begin to explore, with themselves, and with others. It's not really "sexual". but curiosity. And, I believe it usually happens between boys and girls and why it is a good idea to have brothers and sisters sleep in seperate rooms if possible.

But something in this situation would make me feel uncomfortable too. And that is the father's reaction. When it comes to children, you can never be too careful. It could be perfectly harmless. But, what if it is not? And this child is being sexually victimized in his home?

I would not approach the father again. I would let the authorities handle it. I would contact the school (the principal) because his teacher may have additional information about his behavior. I would make sure that the school was going to contact Social Services. You will probably have to speak with them.

I know you may feel uncomfortable getting involved. If you are wrong, people may be embarrased and burdoned. But if you are right....you may save a child.

Good luck

you should definately call social services. you can choose to stay anonomous. let the experts investigate the situation. it's the best thing to do for that child.

i'd clearly be suspicous too -- but since i'm removed from the situation, i can also see that if the dad had been sexually abusing the boy, i highly doubt that he would have expressed his "did you tell anyone where you learned this from" in earshot of any adult. i think its more likely that he believes he may have been abused by someone else and is guilty/scared, etc.

Hi M.,

Please call someone TODAY!! My ex-husband was very distraught when we split up and unfortunately my daughter was his target for inappropriate sexual acts. It is very possible that this father is missing his wife so he has replaced her for his son (sexually). It sounds horrible but it is possible. My ex would have normal visits with her and things happened. We were in the middle of a divorce at the time and it turned out that he was able to "get out of it". Now I pick up the pieces as she is now old enough to really understand exactly what he did to her. It breaks my heart to hear of these things happening and if it is suspious then DON'T sit on it! You will feel better about it if you get it off your chest and maybe you will be saving this little boy along with others. K. R

You have a choice. Protect the father or protect the child? The choice is clear. Call someone immediately! Maybe it's a matter of the father having pornography in the home or being seen in the act but that's not your decision to make or guess about.

Please call someone immediately!

I would advise your friend to call Child Protective Services, they probably won't take it, but they may have some advice. The child learned that behavoir some where, very scary.
M.

I would tell the school. It is not fair to the child if something is happening to him and you do nothing. If the father is innocent he should have nothing to fear.
Wouldn't you want someone to help your child if you weren't around to do it?
Good luck.

I know you have received a lot of responses to this question. I disagree with the moms who say try to find out if it could be he learned from movies, mags, and what not. This is too serious of a situation. It could be as innocent as that, but that is for professionals to figure out. I would call Child Services ASAP. I know they are not great, but if this child's dad is molesting him, he must be removed from the home. Good Luck with this decision!! I really feel for that family and poor little boy.

I only want to add that while the welfare of the children is of course most important, if you involve the school or any official organization it is mandatory that they then turn it over to social services. This will mean that no matter what the outcome, even if it turns out to be nothing more than as some people said just curious children, that father will forever have this investigation on his record and God only knows how that could complicate his life, including future job placements or certainly custody in the future. This happened to a friend of mine, that just a casual remark by his three-year-old daughter has compromised his chance of ever receiving custody.
Just be careful when you intervene in someone else's life, no matter how well meaning you are.

if that was my child i would totally call cps because that is very weird on the father's part.

I would call DYFS or ACS, depending on where you live. Let them guide you. I am a social worker, that has dealt with such cases. Please tell someone. Contacting the school would only make them resposible to make the call. If you would feel more comfortable doing that, but the school may blow it off. DOes this child have grandparents? If you need phone numbers for NJ, email me back.

M.,
Take it from someone who was sexually abused, you and your friend must report this to the police and possibly social services; you can do it anonymously. God forbid this little boy were to take it further than he did with your friend's son and let us not forget your poor friend's son and what was done to him. Also the fact that the father was nervous and questioned if his son stated where he learned it from, something else is going on there. If that man needs to loose his son then he does, he is better off without his father if he is harming him than with him, trust me. I have to live with the pain of what happened to me and I didn't get away until I was married and finally stood up and said enough is enough. I broke away from my family, but let me tell you it took me 6 years to get out and another 4 to walk away from them. I now only see them when I absolutely have to and on my terms. Let me know if I could be of any other help.
Hugs,
T.

WOW I am concerned just thinking about it. Well he was so concerned where he learned it from?? He was either scared someone did something to his child for him to learn that OR the other thing that I don't even want to think about. Maybe you could call the father and just let him know that you are concerned etc,,,, no you are not overstepping because your child was involved, so now your involved. Ask him if his son told him where he learned it from. If he gets really weird with you,,, you may need to talk to someone for advice. It sounds like you wouldn't be the type to just do nothing,,, I know I wouldn't. Good luck.

Call 311 and ask for guidance on how to proceed in such a delicate situation. It's better to be safe than sorry later. Good luck.

I would NOT call the authorities based just on what you saw. After all, this is the normal age for kids to start exploring their bodies, and I'm no psychologist, but from what I've heard about sexually molested kids, they are ashamed of it, and know it's bad - therefore, they are probably the LAST kids to be playing at sexual activities. FIRST OF ALL, you don't even know who started the sexual activities - it could have been your son's friend, you know!! DO NOT JUST TO CONCLUSIONS AND DESTROY THE RELATIONSHIP THIS FATHER HAS WITH HIS SON !!!! Find out more first, and be extra observant with the boy. And talk to the boys first and foremost about where they learned it.

Hi M.,
You should definately call social services. Since the father is the only adult in the child's life, you may be the only hope he has of getting help, if, in fact, there is something inappropriate going on. I would say better safe than sorry under these circumstances.
Sincerely,
A. Craig, L.M.T.

Hi M.,
School does not take care of issues that do not occur at school. However, if a minor is molesting another child, it does need to be reported. Hopefully the other child is so young that he can get the help that he needs and it does not become a criminal issue. But my real concern would be for the child on the receiving end of the sexual contact and I would make sure to suggest to the mom that she take her child in to talk with his doctor.

You need to make that/any call! Unfortunately, sounds like a "classic" case. Good luck.

The bottom lone is where DID he learn it from. From what you intimate it sounds like it was grievous sexual act. You do need a third party intervention. Maybe a minister.

I would deffinately be calling social services and atleast expalin the situation to them!!!!

Call Child Protective Services or similar agency now. Don't wait!!

I would absolutely speak to either the school and/or social services about this. I worked in social services many years ago and think this kind of information being reported could help this little boy. Whether the child is being abused physically or whether the boy watches this kind of behavior either way he learned it somewhere and it is very important that it is looked into.

This is a very tricky (and dangerous) situation. I think a lot depends upon what exactly they were doing. Did it cross any lines. Also, the child might not be molested, he may have just come across something he wasn't suppose to see/witness w/o the dad even knowing. Perhaps he walked in on something. Maybe the best thing to do would be to ask someone with this type of experience (maybe w/o giving names). You want to protect the kids, but at the same time a small child could be separated from their dad for really no reason at all. I would think someone in the school system might be good to ask...if they have experience or know what to look for. As far as the Dad being nervous, well here is a single father being told reallly difficult stuff about his kid in front of 2 moms. I'd be terrified as well. And unfortuanately we live in a society where the courts usually rule in favor of the mother... Your friend should also have a delicate discussion with her son to make sure he hasn't been violated by someone else or someone in her own family. Maybe he started it.

I think you HAVE to report this to ACS/social services. People are often afraid to report things of this nature for fear of being wrong and then the child being unnecessarily rmoved from the home or something of that nature. However, just making a report only initiates an investigation of this matter, which is really what needs to be done. You can then let the experts decide whether or not this is something more significant that could really jeopordize the safety and well being of this child, or just curiosity on the boys part with embarrassment on the dad's part.

Absolutely without ant hesitation the school should be contacted as well as Social Services. Tell her do not wait and she must talk to her own child if she hasn't already done so about who should & shouldn't touch his p****** p****.If the father is molesting him he needs to be removed and protected from him . What does your gut tell you to do ? I don't understand why your at a loss of what to do. Just my opinion.

J.

I think you should discuss this with the school psychologist. He/she would know what the age appropriateness of this is.
However, do not mention any other names...just the situation.

Hi M.,
I work in the Human Services field, for over 20 years. Please make the call to Child Protection office. Let the professionals figure out where the truth lies. I can tell you in dealing with this issue over the years that this boy is confused about how to show affection and he will only get worse. I hate to be so blunt but it is better for this child to be in a safe place then to be with with a father who does not protect him. Or worse is the one doing the molesting.
This was in no way a "normal" reaction by either the child or the father. This is a very serious situation and your concern is correct. Please encourage your friend to make the call and you can call as well. Give this child a voice that he is not able to have. Something is very wrong.

Hi,

I went through this with my middle son when he was 4, he is 12 now... Our neighbor's son was visiting and I walked into the bedroom and had the same situation... Only the neighbors did question thier son and explained why it is not right... I have three children and have let them know that it is not appropriate to touch other people in the private areas.. We also explained that only Mom, Dad, and the doctor are the only people who should see areas like that.. "IF" there is a problem or something hurts... Although my children are a little older, you can still explain this to a two year old in thier terms.... I am not sure if this helped at all.. but, you should address it and NOT let it go... If you are uncomfortable with the situation and feel that there is something else...(Bad feelings with the father) I would start with the school and see if they have also noticed any actions from the child that raise concern...

As for the child's father... I can't really say how to go about that... It could be, he was so embarrassed and did not know how to handle the situation. I know it is shard being a single parent... I did that for a few years before I remarried..

I wish you luck and hope it all works out for you.

I would call child protective services and let them handle it. I would rather be safe than sorry.

look into it,id call the school and have the councler talk to him this way the father dont know and maybe with the boy in a familiar area he'll talk.This doesnt sound like a normal reaction by both father and little boy.As a mom i couldnt sit back and let this situation pass as if nothing happend.

Dear M.,
This little boy had to learn this behavior from somewhere. And since the father was only concerned about if the boy told anyone where he learned the behavior from, it sounds like his father is a good teacher. Yes, there is plenty of reason to suspect the father. And yes it sounds like someone should say something to people who can deal with this, because this behavior could destroy this child's future and affect your friend's child. I cringe at the thought about what this child is exposed to and what kind of bad home life he could have.
I can't believe the disrespect the father showed your friend. He should be ashamed of himself.
I would tell the police, and maybe ask them what to do, because it sounds like your friend's little boy was assaulted. Yes, the boy is only 6 but the father would be held responsible. If I were your friend, and you too, I would never let my children play with this child again. It's too bad, but for your children's safety, it would be a good idea. See what I mean about this child's future, other children will not be able to play with him, because of the father. This little boy's social health would be in jeopardy.
I'm sorry if I sounded too blunt. Good luck.

Your friend should definitely call social services immediately. Sadly, when a child has been sexually abused they tend to "seduce" other kids w/what they have learned. Even if it isn't the father... it seems like he atleast knows where he learned it, and an investigation needs to be done. It could be something that has happened in the past and has already been investigated and the person has been removed from the childs life, but it's always better to be safe rather than sorry. Good luck to you and your friend.

Did you ever think that maybe little Johnny was up to late and saw daddy and girlfriend and then tried to act it out. Maybe he was scared because he knew he shouldnt have been spying on them and thought he would get in trouble. Dad was nervous because his girlfriend shouldnt have been in the house when his son was, etc etc etc.

My point is there are lots of scenarios possible....

Your friend should invite dad and son over for a conversation. She could say, I feel like we as parents should address this issue with the boys together so they know right from wrong, since they will be playing together. Based on the response, or conversation to follow, she should make an educated judgement and follow her instincts.....

But this should happen after careful observation, not after just this one incident.

M.,

First, make sure your friend's son knows he is not in any trouble but that what his friend was doing to him was very wrong. I would contact the school and let them know what happened. Sounds like the father wanted his son to keep what they do together a secret which is why he was so upset to learn his father had found out. Both the father & his son need help. If your friend doesn't report the incident to anyone, it will happen again to another little boy & will continue. Good luck.

Ann Marie

I would report it immediately!!!

This is normal behavior for six year old boys - they are very curious sexually and will usually "experiment" with a friend they trust. This happened to me when my son was 6 or 7 and his friend was a couple of years younger and the mom was very upset. We talked to the pediatrician who assured us it was all normal and that we should tell them that although it is natural to be curious to explore, it is imp. to keep our p****** p**** to ourselves. Then we had to talk about who was allowed to touch us in the p****** p**** (mom, dad, dr.) and who was not - everybody else.

As for the Dad's reaction - he was probably incredible embarrassed and didn't know how to handle it - esp. with a couple of moms in the room staring him down! I don't know that his reaction is cause to call social services. Since your friend's son is friends with his son I would encourage her to get to know him better and then decide whether there is something wrong with him or he just needs a little parental guidance and support.

Please report this, I was molested as a child with no help. Someone caught me with a boy cousin around 6 and when they asked why I let him kiss me and I told them my UNCLE did it but said nothing about him touching me. They asked me in front of him and I said nothing because I was so afraid of him. This went on for another year if I could remember correctly. No one helped me and now I am crazy that this may happen to my kids that I am always asking my 6 year old girl if anyone talks to her or has done anything to her. I try and explain that I am her friend and she could tell me anything. I am crazy over this. PLEASE REPORT THIS, HE NEEDS HELP!

this is scary............ that boy has definitely seen something. he did not make it up. i beleive that this cannot be held in queotly. they need help. this is not something for the mom to keep to herself. friendship or not, this needs professional intervention. if you do not know where to turn, speak with the pediatrician and ask them for referals. something is going on and there is a reason why the dad was shaky. do not sit quietly and do nothing. prtect your child and the other boy.

much love and luck. most of all thank you for raisding this up. tell your friend she has to do something.

I would call Child Protective Services and let them decide if it is worth investigating. The child had to have learned it somewhere.

Have your friend call social services. It is better to be safe than sorry is a very true saying. Let the experts figure out what is going on and if its nothing the father should understand. If he doesnt..oh well. However if he is abusing his son and your friend found out years from now, how awful would she feel? Just because the father is the only family member is even more cause for concern. There is no advocate for the boy except your friend.

Although I probably would jump to the same suspicions about the father as many have, perhaps he was concerned with where he learned it b/c HE is afraid someone is molesting HIS son. Our suspicions always get muddled more when it's a father - would you have reacted the same way if it was the child's mother who came and reacted the same way? Also, think about this widower coming into a home where there are two mothers waiting in judgement...I'd be nervous.
I agree with many that often what we deem as sexual behavior as adults is just kids learning about themselves and others. I'd keep the school out of it since it didn't happen there. How well does your friend know this child? Is there any other basis for suspicion other than this incident? How "inappropriate" were the behaviors?
She should call social services, if she chooses to call anyone. But she must also use this opportunity to speak with her own son, and his friend if possible, that she knows that they didn't know what they were doing, but that it's unacceptable to do those behaviors. And talk about different kinds of touching, etc. And let them talk. Have them give examples of what's ok and what's not. And what they should do when something's not ok.

Dear M.,

I would first have your friend talk to her son about i************ t*******. It is important to not make him feel bad about what has happened and maybe she can interpret if this was just normal experimentation or if the boy relayed any information on how he learned this behavior. Calling in authorities on someone without solid proof can sometimes do more harm than good. I know as women we look and react differently than men do and perhaps he was so embarrassed and shocked he didn't know how to handle it. Then again something terrible could be happening to this child and he may not have a voice to stop it. I would tell your friend that if they have the same teacher speak with her about the incident and if she has noticed any inappropriate behaviors let her be the one to alert her superiors. In the meantime I would refrain from any play dates and when they do resume do not allow them to play in private. Make sure the children are visible to her at all times. When you have friends over to play it is a huge responsibility and it is best to never let children play unsupervised. We do not know as parents what our kids friends are exposed to as far as what they are watching on television, etc.(which could also be the case with this other boy) He may have seen something on television and was just acting out. Good luck!!

OMG! I cant believe all these reponses. At 6 years old, children start to go through this curosity. Its not sexual. However, I dont know exactly what was done. You have to be the judge of that. Call your pediatrician before you ruin someones life. They will know it was you since this happened right before. If your pediatrician thinks something is wrong w/ these acts, then go ahead. But it just might suprise you that some kids question things earlier. I have NEVER touched my kids and neither has my husband. When my son did this "play doctor" around the same age, I was MORTIFIED. And now that I think of it, if it werent my brother, maybe someone would have called on me. I am just saying...BEfore you ruin someones life w/ suspicion and acussations, call your pediatrician and talk to them. That way you can do the right thing w/ no question in your mind...

No questions ............call the police/social services whoever, but tell someone who can help that little boy. it is clear someone is doing something, now the question is who?

K.

Apparently there is something going on, and the father's behaviour showed that is worried. He is worried that the kid will spill the beans. We must always follow our instincts with these things. At this point there is not much that can be done. The boy should've been asked where he learned this from immediatedly following the incident. The chance for that is gone. I don't think that the father will let the child come over again, but if he did let the child come over again then the child could be questioned. In my experience, I will tell you that the child learned this from somewhere. He did not just make this up. There is a possibility that the boy told the other child where he learned this from. Then and only then can you call the appropriate agency.

I know this is a little late. I wouldn't assume the father is guilty, as it sounds like many people have. There could be other reasons for his behaving like that-he may have an idea of who else may have "taught" his son that. It is not true, though, that children have to be taught that. I used to play "doctor" with other children and nobody taught me how to do it. It is somewhat natural. However, CPS should definitely be notified, as the father's behavior was so suspect. IF the school is notified, people will talk and the father may be put into a bad light-which if he did nothing will be permanently (and unfairly) damaging to his life.

Oh My Goodness--better safe than sorry--call ACS and have them decide the best course of action. The thought of not doing anything would haunt me.

Hi M.,

I would definately call social services and tell them what happened and leave it up to them. That doesn't sound like a response that anyone I know would give and it does not sound normal at all.

Good luck,
J.

Wow: I would at least not let my kid play with him any longer. Calling social services it going a bit extreme, separating the kids from the father is a bit extreme, especially since you don't know what is going on. The kid might have seen a movie by mistake or anything else. It doesn't necessary means that it's the father molesting them or anything like that. Just keep your kid away from his kid for now, and keep an eye out......

Wow....not quite sure what to say! I don't know what I would do, but please keep us posted on how it's handled for future reference!!! Lynsey

M.,

The father's behavior is not normal at all! Since the father seems uninterested in where his son learned this, then chances are he taught him and he's not going to stop. And since the mother is no longer around, there is no one to stop him and it could have been going on for some time. Please, for the sake of that child, call social services. If it's been ongoing, the school may not have noticed anything, but please, please, call social services.

I am the mother of 3 children and they are the absolute light of my life. If their father ever tries anything, I'd move heaven and earth to keep him far, far away from them.

If the father is unwilling to talk or get help, then the little boy needs someone to help him and to let him know this is not how boys play together. Good luck to the little boy and with your decision.

J. S.

I think she should definitely call someone... social services at the least.
This child learned this from somewhere and it seems as though his dad isn't going to do anything about it, even if he isn't the one doing it to the kid.
This can not be let go... if he is doing this at age 6, then what will he be doing as he gets older?

Seriously, call someone! this child needs help... he needs out of the situation and he needs psychological help too.

Well, it is possible that the father reacted like that because he was embarrassed however a child of a young age has learned this behavior from someone. I would call the police-Special Victims Unit and let them inestigate. Thru their investigation they will be able to speak with the child & find out how this 6 yr old has learned this behavior. You can never be too sure these days someone can be doing this to this child!

Not sure where your friend lives but my sister is a NYC special victims detective if you want email me ____@____.com i can lead you the way!

J. B