What's the Rush? the Pressure to Do Everything Early.

Agree. Everything is a competition. I was part of a mom's group and that's all everyone did. Johnny was talking in complete sentences at a year, Susie was potty trained at 6 weeks. It got to be too much. It was like they couldn't enjoy their children unless they were doing something monumental and the mom's were always trying to one-up each other. Good grief. And don't worry about the bikes - my daughter is 7 and has absolutely no interest in riding hers - ever. She just doesn't like it. Also, and I know this is horrifying, but my daughter didn't know all her letters before she went to kindergarten (insert screams here). And believe it or not, she is doing just fine :)

Whatever. I think there's a happy medium that people miss...A LOT. I don't push my children into doing stuff, and crack the whip on them if they're not developmentally ready for it. On the other hand, I'm not going to say "Oh, well 35 years ago when I was a child, we didn't have that, so you don't need it" and sit on my bum either. How much children learn and what age has changed, and yes a part of that is because of technology, the fact that the world has gotten smaller, life has sped up a little, etc. But it's more than that. A parent really only teaches what they themselves know or think to share, unless they see something else to broaden their horizons or ideas. With the books, classes, playgroups, clubs, activities, and internet and its myriad of parenting sites, blogs, etc.....we have such a wealth of information and ideas to hear that our parents didn't have. An example: a friend of mine doesn't eat many vegetables because she "doesn't like them", and she was never really exposed to art. So, her children at 12, 10, and 7 never tried any vegetables except the 3 that their mom ate, and had never been to any kind of museum, had never seen brush strokes on a REAL painting (they'd seen prints at stores, but that's it???) One weekend, I kept them at my house a few days because she had family business to attend to. They ate foods they were "scared" to eat and LOVED them. It was Day in the District during that time, the one day in the year that all the stuff in the museum and arts districts were free. We went to a planetarium, to a Japanese drum show, to the Modern, the Kimball (more traditional), the Amon Carter (south, western), and the Cowgirl museums. They watched a rodeo, rode on a crane and in a dump truck, had their first picnic IN THEIR LIVES(?) in the Japanese Gardens and played soccer in a big grassy area at the beautiful botanical gardens. We did some star gazing at an observatory and checked out the stuff at the Astronaut museum...and they got to put on an astronaut suit and walk on a replica of the moon landing, and get on a 0 gravity table to see how it felt. Those are things that many (most, I would think?) children would just take for granted. But their mom, bless her, didn't think to do picnics because she's allergic to ants, she wasn't really exposed to art so didn't think to provide opportunities for the boys to experience it, didn't eat vegetables so she didn't think to cook them and let the boys taste them. Many times, that's how we parents are. My son was 3 when someone asked about his "scissors skills". It had never crossed my mind to give him scissors, so he didn't get a chance to try. I was a bit surprised. But that same week, he was at his small fry club and there was a little craft where they were using child safe scissors, and my son couldn't figure that part out. Well, I helped him with that part and went on....but you can bet that I went out and let him pick out the safety giraffe shaped scissors (over the lion and zebra) and I started letting him cut strips for me. We used that exercise to do other crafts that were fun. Hey, while we're cutting these free weekly papers they stick in our mailbox into strips (straight lines to start, lol), let me show you something awesome called paper mache! That's not me being pushy. That's me being involved. Now he's 4. Still not too good at it, but whatever. He can fake it good enough to do a craft in his preschool. I purchase a paper on Sundays and pick out the coupons I want. We sit down together with the radio on, while my youngest naps, and I cut my coupons, and he can cut the other coupons. (Learning to cut the line, and turn directions.....but not mess up mine, lol). He thinks he's helping, and I let him put his coupons in a little ziploc bag (which I empty when he's napping). It's just time together. At 4 1/2 he is still learning to ride his bike with training wheels. He does pretty good, but has some trouble going up or down the next portion of sidewalk (when crossing a street). He's not quite ready to take the training wheels off. When I think he's doing well enough, and he says yes, then we will. I on the other hand WAS 3 1/2 (we have pictures of me at a house we moved out of before my 4th birthday) on a bike with no training wheels. What they do well at depends on their skills, their personality, their interests......but there is nothing wrong with giving them the ability to try/practice things---all kinds of things! We do a lot of reading, writing, counting, scissors work, preschool educational stuff on my computer, etc when it's ridiculously hot or raining. He's ahead of many children his age but that's not because I'm shoving down his throat but because....it's hot. That's what we're doing in the heat of the day. But we also do a lot of stretching, walking/running, soccer, kung fu, etc. Yesterday he did his "horse stance" at kung fu where he was in a perfect squat, and his sifu put a cup of water on his thigh....he kept that squat for 10 seconds and did not spill the water. WOW! Only 1 other child was able to get the water on his leg, for a couple seconds. And his little legs were shaking a lot. Noone else was able to get the water on their legs at all. We're not competing with the other children, but he DOES practice a lot, because he loves it.....and there's nothing wrong with being proud of him for that. I think you shouldn't feel pressure to keep up with everyone else in the neighborhood, but you should give your children lots of opportunities to learn and grow. (I wasn't upset that my son didn't know how to use scissors, but I bought him some age appropriate ones and we have spent time together, with the scissors as just a side element in our time together, for example). Life is all about experience and learning, no matter how old you are. Consider it a confidence booster, not a way to judge others though.

I don't know what the rush is either. I recently bought my 3 year old a push pedal car that he loves and uses all the time and my brother was like, "really!?!?" because his 3 year old already rides a bike. I'm sure he could ride a bike but would be frustrated with how much more work it is, why not wait until he's a little older. The bike is just one example, I feel like that about so many other things. I hear you!

Don't worry, you're right.
It's a different time and everything is excellerated.
I hate that.
Thing were SLOWER when we grew up. Maybe because we didn't have
the internet?
It's ok. Just take YOUR OWN SWEET TIME.
It all happens......all in due time.

Different strokes for different folks. My 3 year old granddaughter already has her own laptop, I think that's a bit much BUT times are a changing and I think kids are going to be smarter faster and they will be graduating school at younger ages so they can become part of the work force. The sooner they learn physical things like bike riding, swimming, using scissors, navigating online, counting money, telling time, etc.... the sooner they will be ready for their college education I guess? Technology has really changed our society. It has caused obesity just as much as fast food has. Getting our kids physical is a good thing. There's more to riding a bike than just riding a bike, it teaches balance, work a lot of muscles, teaches us to anticipate so we dont fall down, and it's just fun. Mine were both riding at age 4..... but we lived in a neighborhood where all the kids rode bikes, so I'm sure that had a lot to do with it.
** As far as scissors go, my oldest when in 2nd grade while visiting his teacher on back to school night told me he needed more practice with scissors. It's all about learning dexterity and the ability to cut within the lines and such. And it always gives you the chance to say "Dont run with scissors in your hands" ;)

I agree with Living and Loving. You need to follow your child's lead.. You can show them what you are doing and if they show interest or have questions, you can figure out ways to help them try..

They may not be able to master a skill, but encourage curiosity with age appropriate attempts..

Our daughter walked very early.. Others told us she was "too young" and I "should not allow it".. How on earth do you stop a child? She was ready so she was going to do it with me around or not.

She could scramble out of her crib within seconds when only 12 months old.. Again, there was no way to stop her.. So we moved her into a regular bed.. again people said she was too young, but there was no way to stop her, so we placed a mattress on the floor.

Somethings she did not master, like your children we did not have a safe place for her to ride a bike, so our attempts were not successful and in reality, it was more us, wanting her to learn than her wanting to learn..

She still is not great at catching a ball, (or throwing one. I teased her yesterday about it).

The FIRST time we went to a roller rink she was 4 and she refused to take off the skates," till she learned how to skate!" We were out there for more than 4 hours, with her falling and trying, but she got it.. The owner said he "had never seen a child so determined to master it in one day".

I did not even realize she knew how to read on her own. We had just assumed she would learn in kinder and yet, she had known how for months before I figured it out by accident. she had just turned 4.

You can not hold them back when they have the passion.. Just allow it and encourage their interest.. It will give them confidence and blow you away every time..

Yeah, I don't like the pressure to hurry up for milestones. Each child is an individual and I understand the average they have, but I think some parents take it way too seriously. My 2 1/2 yr old's tricycle is collecting dust outside. It's not that she can't do it, I've seen her do it several times, she just has no interest in it right now.. she would much rather walk and run around. I think it's unrealistic for every child to be good at everything. I never heard the scissors thing before, interesting, can 3 yr olds use scissors? lol.

I definitely agree with the other mommas, not pushing them to satisfy the pressure, but taking their lead and encouraging them to do stuff. I laughed when I read someone told Laurie A to not allow a child that's too young to walk, how exactly do you do that lol? When my little one shows interest I show her and she does get the hang of it, but if she didn't want to ride her tricycle I'm not going to force her to ride it to satisfy some pressure and mom gab about kids having to ride bikes by a certain age. I will encourage her to try it when she's ready, but no forcing.

I totally agree with April C too about exposing kids to stuff that even the parent might not like. I cooked my daughter onions, given her tomatoes, take her to swimming lessons. I hate onions and tomatoes and I can swim only enough to save my life. What I wrote was with the belief of what April C put across, so thank you April. I think as parents we do have to step outside our comfort zone to teach them everything we can and take them to places where they can learn. I don't go to art museums but I have taken my daughter to a few just so she can see what it is.

It sounds like you are being pressured by others. Maybe directly 'What? Your kid doesn't do such and such?', or maybe indirectly by you noticing what their kids are doing and doubting yourself. Either way, my advice is the same to you as to my kids (almost 17 and 14). You are your best measure. Measuring yourself by others is always a losing proposition.

There is always someone better/stronger/smarter/prettier/faster/more talented than you, so those people will always make you feel like a loser. However, there is always someone slower/poorer/dumber/fatter/worse than you, so those people can make you stop trying to do your best.

Never measure yourself by others. Just be you. Be the best mom you can be. Provide for your kids the best that you can. Do what you know is best for them. Comparisons are for losers. :)

Yeah, I ignore what people say and just do what feels right and what seems to interest my kids. It sounds like your mommy head is on straight. Trust your gut and do what you think is right. Ignore other people and don't let them stress you:-) I do many things that go against the norm (waiting until kids are ready to learn things instead of trying to force my preschoolers to learn things that kindergartners should be learning). I have felt stressed over the pressure before, but I've learned ot really trust myself...and it's helped to not stress over other people's opinions.

I completely understand your frustration. The way I look at it is that each family should choose what is best for their child---individually and not collectively as a group of 3 year olds. Just like with growth charts and developmental milestones---I take those with a grain of salt. Children will learn when they are ready. No amount of pressure will help that----Try not to worry or compare yourself and your kids to others. GL

M

I know what you're saying and there is some sense of competition, but I think for the most part people are just following their child's lead. My boys basically love to do two things: climb everything in sight and ride anything they can. The climb furniture, play structures, the sides of building, cars, vans trucks. We were at a family reunion in a park and I was cleaning up some of the food when I turned to see both boys (2 and 5) sitting on top of our van! (scary, embarrassing, infuriating!)

My point is just that kids have different interests and ability levels and most of us just go with it. There probably are parents out there that want their child to be able to do certain things by a certain age and take great pride in their child being able to do something early. But I really do think most of us are just going along, doing our thing.

I just have to laugh about the scissors thing, though. I took our 5 year old (who was 3 at the time) to a PreK screening out our school district, and that was one of the things that came up. Apparently our school district expects 3 year olds to be able to use scissors. (I thought that was nuts, too.) My son could not, so the teacher recommended we practice using Play Doh scissors. Good point, since I wasn't too keen on the idea of giving him real scissors.

Try not to worry about it too much. Like I said, most of us are just in our own little world, doing our own little thing and not really paying that much attention to what other people are doing.

As hard as it is, just ignore what everyone else is doing with their kids. We are on super-drive anymore with our lives, our kids, everything and I think all it is getting us is a drugged-out and depressed society.

Just enjoy your kids, take your time with them, teach and let them try things as they seem appropriate to you. So what if your kids use scissors for the first time in kindergarten, they will learn it just like everyone else. I can tell you from experience that all three of my kids learned things SO differently and at different times that I never even could come close to comparing them, it was apples to oranges.

To give you and example, my oldest was early with scissors but did not learn to ride a bike without training wheels and tie his shoes until he was 7. He is very amazing athletically too. Today he is going into Jr. High with nearly straight A's and in the Gifted program. My second boy, picked up on the bike riding and shoe tie-ing before 5 but was terrible at cutting and drawing. Going into kindergarten this year, doesn't know his letters by sight but can add three-digit numbers in his head. My third, daughter, is three, knows all her numbers and letters and recognized site-words, but cannot ride a bike, cut or draw anything recognizable and will not pee in a toilet.

In short, all three of them were way behind a lot of other kids on a lot of things but they come around and fall into line with where they need to be on everything. Don't let those other kids and their milestones get to you. All of our precious children were born with their own special gifts and we do a MAJOR disservice to them by comparing. It takes away from who they are and pounds their self-esteem. Just let it be, you know best!

Oh please. My daughter will be 6 in December and hasn't even been on a bike. One of my old co-worker's daughter didn't know and she was 8 Our house is at the bottom at a steep hill (a house we just bought last year. Before that we had in an apartment in a city). At the bottom of this hill is an on-ramp to a major highway and we don't have a driveway. So, it's either risk life and limb (mine included!) Or wait a bit. I'll probably ask the neighbor if we can use their drive for bike lessons. I'm not in a rush. Considering we live in an urban/suburban I'm quite certain she won't be the only one and the same probably goes for you as well.

I also remember training wheels and learning to ride a bike so I had to be at the very least five or six.

Normal is a broad range. We seem to have forgotten this.

In many cases, we are defining kids as "delayed" who are actually just in the bottom 75% of normal. Not everyone has to be advanced.

We also tend to forget that development of specific skills requires exposure to specific experiences. Kids with pools in their backyards learn to swim early. Kids in deserts may never learn to swim. Kids in China are considered delayed if they can't pick up a peanut with chopsticks. Culture matters, including individual family culture.

We live in an old-fashioned neighborhood where kids of all ages play together in the street. My kids learn to ride bikes very young, because they have lots of time to practice and huge social motivation to do so. My kids also get to use tools like scissors and power drills a lot younger than most, because I'm always building or creating something. However, they are still a little shaky on spoons and forks....because that simply isn't a priority for me.

All of our kids are "advanced" in some areas and "behind" in others. Every decision has a cost and a trade-off. Make sure that your kids are doing well in the areas that are important to you, and don't worry about what the dominant culture has to say about your priorities. (Of course, this is a lot easier said than done!)

Good luck and don't let the turkeys get you down.