What's the Norm for Sharing Child Rearing in Your House?

We both work full time (4 days a week, I have Mon off, he has Fri off). We share 50:50. We both get up, whoever gets up first that day (we pretty much alternate) makes breakfast for the 3 of us (DS is 5). Then one of us makes his lunch for preschool and the other helps him brush his teeth and get dressed. He goes to preschool 5 days a week. I drop him off 2 days and pick him up 3 days, DH drops him off 3 days and picks him up 2. We are flexible if one of us is running late. We often cook dinner together. Sometimes, one of us cooks and the other plays with DS. The person who didn't cook gets the dishes. We alternate the bedtime routine. We still do baths together. DH mows the lawn ~75% of the time and always empties the dishwasher (sorry, I hate it). I do almost all the laundry. We have a cleaning lady every other week for the vacuuming, dusting and bathrooms. Either one of us will straighten them up between cleanings. We each do the shopping ~50% of the time.

There is no right way to share parenting. How others do it may not work for you. I urge you and your husband to discuss how you want to divide up tasks. This way you can honor individual personalities and interests.
You can make a list of who does what if that will help. Try it out for a couple of weeks and make changes if something isn't going well.

I suggest you read Nonviolent Communication. There is a book and a web site. It shows how to have productive talks without defensiveness. Show how to word our requests in such a manner that the other person hears us and is willing to work out a plan. That and more.

On weekends we like to get up together, but if someone is going to sleep later it's usually me. Lol. It can be hard to divide things "evenly" as your viewpoints on which tasks are easy or difficult may differ. We don't really have a set division of things because so far we haven't needed to do that.

Well, my husband works 98 hours a week (the max that they can make resident doctors work in a hospital) so I am running solo... well all the time. I know my husband would LOVE to spend more time with the kids, but he is just sooooo tired.

I am a SAHM and we have 2 children, so at bedtime I usually take the baby and he takes our 4 year old. The baby takes less than 5 minutes to lay down and my 4 year old takes 15-20 minutes. During the work week, I cook and he does dishes. We take turns bathing them. On the weekends, we usually take turns depending on what we have going on.

I think that's sad. :( You're a single mom and he can't know his kids on a hour a day, plus dinner and Tv.
Not to be preachy, but since you asked, I would suggest focusing on your family connecting with each other rather than a responsibility chart on who does what when. I would suggest a date night every other week and a family day every single week, to start. Plan a fun outing or some games, I don't know what your family is interested in but something that will help you guys learn each other and have fun together. Perhaps since there's such a big age difference with the kids, you guys could take turns picking days where you choose to do something that person is interested in (mom's choice, dad's choice, son's choice, daughter's choice). Play some talking games: stuff that gets you talking is a simple way to get to know someone, and can be done at dinner time (what was your favorite part of the day, your least favorite part, if you had, found, or lost a million dollars, what would you do with it, if you could be anything in the world what would you be and why, etc), or we have this little dice game where it has words on the sides and you toss the dice and come up with a little story using those words, all kinds of little things like that....it lets the kids have a voice and you get to see how their minds work and what's important to them, but you also get to share yourself with them instead of just constantly running on the hamster wheel everyday.
We have a date night every month (sometimes twice, but always once), a family day every week, and over the course of the month we also switch kids and I do something special on a "mom date" with each boy separately (husband watches one while I have the other), and Jeremy has a special "dad date" with each boy separately. (Example: last week--family day was sharing icecream out (I shared with the older, Jer shared with the younger), then we went on a dolphin cruise, climbed a lighthouse, and ate out. Jer had a "dad date" with the 18 month old because he had to drive him 2 hours to a pediatric ENT to be checked, but then they stopped at a playground and played, they ate lunch out and he ate at the table instead of a high chair and practiced using a plastic fork, and they walked around and collected rocks and pinecones. He was so proud to bring me his bucket of rocks they found when they got back. Simple stuff. Their first "road trip". While they were gone, I took the eldest (4) out of daycare early to go to a car show and see all the cool old cars, and he got to sit in a few. We went to the river and practiced skipping stones and talked, and fished a little bit before he had to go to karate class. We share babysitting time with a friend from my mops club and we went week before last to a habachi and then saw the community theater's version of Chicago. This is not to say we're perfect. I get annoyed now and then when he gets into this little phase of working too much. We both have a tendency to be workaholics, and we just have to keep it in check. Work is important; we wouldn't be able to pay the bills or live in our house or whatever, but it cannot be ALL the time.
If you can get your family priorities in line, perhaps the other stuff will just fall into place, or at least fit better. As for dividing stuff up: during the week my husband works a lot so I do the housework before he gets home so that we can hang out when he is home. He gets home and hangs out with the boys until dinner time, then I bathe them and he reads the story (but we read the bedtime story on the couch and I cuddle in and listen too even though there's other stuff to do), then we review the day, say prayers, and then if he's really tired I put them to bed (seems I always brush teeth unless I'm sick) but if I'm really tired, he'll put them to bed. Whoever changes the diaper is whoever is not doing anything or notices first. If I'm cooking obviously he's changing the diaper. Or whatever. On weekends, I try to have everything done already because I want to PLAY, but if not he'll either take the boys out so I can get stuff done or he'll help me, depending on how much or what needs to get done. It's teamwork. But I think you have to build the team before you can practice teamwork.

Since you are unhappy about the division of labor, it is wrong for you. If you were happy, it would be ok. It all depends on what works for you two. Having said that, he sounds very selfish to me, but stating that or nagging will not work. I am a visual person, so I would write a list of all the things you do every week, then take a good stab at what he does all week, and then sit down with him to ASK, not complain, what he feels about the division. I often feel I do more stuff with the kids, but then forget that he spent the whole day replacing a door, or going to the dump with our trash, or mowing, etc. He grocery shops and cooks occasionally, he will do homework with our youngest occasionally, etc. I am the enforcer and organizer and scheduler, which makes me FEEL that I do more, but I could not remove the garage doors and repair the wood and replace all the wheels and springs so we do not have to spend thousands to have someone do it for us. He also has a very stressful job that brings in way more than 50% of our income. So while I sometimes resent the fact that he is watching tv while I am cooking, there are times that I am at the park with the kids while he is doing home repair after his way-more-than-40-hour day job. Now I work part-time, so the balance has shifted to him cooking more. A marriage is ever changing. I think for you it might be time to have an adult conversation with him since things have changed and to let him know you are unhappy about the situation you have been in, but were willing to support him in his studies, but you cannot keep up that schedule now that he has his degree. Good luck. Oh, one more thing - you may want to stress that his child (children) might like to spend more time with him as well.

My partner and I were both finishing our PhDs when our son was born. We both had pretty demanding, but very flexible schedules. So we've always shared all the chores. We now have two children and I work full-time and he works part-time, but our schedules are still very flexible.

We pretty much take turns with major childrearing responsibilities. We take turns getting up at night with the baby, but whoever is up at night "sleeps-in" while the other one gets up with the kiddos in the morning. We also rotate bath responsibilities each night--one of us is on bath and the other does "chores" to tidy up the house. We do bedtime together; we all snuggle into our big bed and read stories, after stories one of us snuggles the baby into his bed and on of us snuggles our 4 year old into his bed. We take turns doing laundry--generally whoever sorts and starts the loads doesn't have to fold them, but it's a pretty flexible rule. We take turns making dinner--we each have our specialities so if we're in the mood for burgers I cook, if we want burritos he cooks--I don't keep track, but it is about 50/50. It's not something we discuss, but we have a very egalitarian household. For example, we have a large yard so one of us generally plays inside with the kids while one of mows the front yard. Then, the front yard mower comes in for a drink and we switch mowing and childcare duties.

Finally, my partner and I both have jobs that require us to write and publish. I've gotten a couple academic articles accepted this year and my he's finished revisions on his book manuscript. If we didn't have kids we could both spend 15 hours a day thinking about our projects and mulling them over and being super creative. But, we have children and can't do that any more. When I need to write I give myself 2 hours a day, no internet, no distractions, but I only get 2 hours. I get a phenomenal amount done in those 2 hours--I am as productive as I was before children, but I don't screw around like I used to do. I realize it was a luxury and it was a great one, but being with my children is a choice I made when I conceived them and it's the choice my partner made too. It would be one thing if I was paid based on the hours I put in, but I get paid on my results so I've learned to work smarter and faster. For example, when I'm mowing the lawn I might outline my article in my head. When I was in grad school some of my male colleagues had children and their wives were constantly asking me, "how many hours a week do you write or prep for classes." The truth was their husbands were literally spending 3-4x more time working than I was, but I'm not sure what in the heck they were doing because I still graduated in a shorter amount of time. Honestly, I know at least one of them was just boondoggling to avoid caring for his son.

Because my partner and I both had demanding work responsibilities we had to find a balance for both of us and we've rather organically come to that place. I have a 4 year old and a 7-month old and I genuinely love being a parent and rarely feel burned-out of this part of my life and I think it's because I get to do a lot of the fun stuff with them and don't have to do all the "yuck" stuff myself. I know I'm really happy because of the balance we've struck and my partner is really happy too. I'd like to think that everyone sharing the load really makes us a happier family all around.

Of course, to each her own, but this is how we do it.

charts and lists didn't work for us (it did later when the kids were bigger- hugely- but not for my dh and me.) i'm inclined to think that your husband is feeling his way in. it's a shame he missed so much of the magical babyhood of your daughter, but i'm glad he's making an effort now that he has more time. cooking is a great place to start! in your shoes, i'd begin by making sure he knew how much i appreciated that.
i suggest a good heart-to-heart with him about what is actually involved in keeping your household running. that way he will be more apt to see that the laundry basket is full and think 'aha! someone should take care of that! the someone is me!' rather than to feel managed into it. if he WANTS a chart, ie he thinks it will help him be aware, that's fine, but i'd discuss with him how he feels he can better integrate himself.
i worked a lot of crazy hours when our kids were little so my dh was always full-on involved so i can't actually think how we worked it out. we both just did it. but nothing's more important than constant, open communication.
khairete
S.

Every family has such different schedules that it is hard to say what is "normal". In our household I work from home part time and my daughter is home with me. My fiance works about 40-45 hrs outside of the home, but it is a whacky schedule. He is usually gone from about 3pm till midnight. I usually get up with our daughter and let him sleep for another 1/2 hour to an hour. I make the coffee and breakfast etc. Every once in a while, like if he had the night before of, then I get a turn to sleep in... but my daughter (2 1/2) wants me to get up anyway and wont leave me be...lol During the day we co-parent. We just help each other. I always do bed time, but when he is not at work he helps to brush her teeth :)
I would think that you guys could work it out that your husband is up in the day now, so you guys can match your schedules a bit more. have some time together etc...

I'm home with the kids while my husband works full time, so weekdays are generally all me. Dad helps in the morning, getting the kids ready for school and getting breakfast ready and served -- who does what in the morning is kind of fluid, with us each just doing whatever is needed -- it works. He drops our daughter off at school on the way to work. I do all the momtaxi runs during the day, and usually make dinner, but if I let him know that it's been a rough day, or I'm particularly tired or busy for some reason, he makes (or brings home) dinner. Then again, it depends on the day -- sometimes the kids play, sometimes we watch a movie, or play a game, or bath time (which is almost always his responsibility) or go for a walk -- depends on how much time there is left between dinner and bedtime -- that varies a bit. It's often one of us doing some one-on-one time with 1 of the kids while the other takes the other two. I'm usually in charge of making sure any remaining homework gets finished during this time, though our 9yo is almost at the point where he's responsible enough that he does that himself. All he ever needs is a reminder. Except for Tuesdays, when my husband has rehearsals for a theater group he's part of, we both do bedtime -- it's definitely possible to do it alone, but it's much easier to share the responsibility. I would definitely sit down and have a discussion about it with him.

I agree with others who have posted that there is no right way. You have to find what is right for your family, but I do think that both parents should be involved as much as possible. I am a teacher, so I am home with the kids most of the time. My husband is in the car business and works very long hours, but he is an excellent, very involved father. Our kids are 7 and 13 now, but I'll share how we did things throught the years. Here is what worked/works for us.

Dad always got up in the middle of the night and early mornings because he missed the boys and it was a chance to spend time with them. He also needs less sleep than me, so it worked out well. I still sleep a bit later on the weekends and in the summer and he wakes up earlier with the boys.

Dad spends mornings with them and takes them to school. I have to be at school before they get up. I pick them up from school and spend evenings with them. We both tuck our youngest in to bed whenever Dad gets home early enough, and our oldest just tells us good night when he is headed that way.

He's off on Wednesdays, so he cleans the house, does laundry, and picks up the boys from school on that day. I keep the house clean, and keep up with the laundry throughout the week. That way when he's off on Sundays we can enjoy a family day together without the stress of having to clean and do laundry.

We didn't plan it all out this way, we just settled into this groove through the years and it works for us. I hope you find a balance that works for your family.

It's taken a long time to find a good balance in my house - we've been together just shy of 20 years - and it's only in the last 5 to 7 that he's really started helping out more. He is now responsible for the laundry, dishes every night, taking out the garbage and he puts our older child to bed every night.

I handle all the cooking, most of the cleaning and day to day nonsense with the kiddos.

We always have a date night once a week - as well as "family night" as well. It's gotten much easier since my DH traded in his high stress, high pay job for a lower paying (though still good pay) job with significantly less stress.

One thing that worked for me and might work for you is helping him realize all you do and that you feel burned out. It can backfire a little if your guy is sensitive like mine (no one can tell him what to do lol) but one day we were talking about cleaning hte house and he was like 'i reallly don't want to do it' and I said "well - then that leaves me to do it all. Otherwise if you don't help then it's just me pulling everything together."
he got kinda pissy but then I think it really resonated with him - this stuff sucks (who wants to spend their sat cleaning?) but the reality is it needs to be done.
Good luck

Bed: We take turns putting our daughter to bed. There are nights I have to work so we do have to say daddy gets two turns in a row and then mommy gets two turns in a row.

Weekends: Sat one of us sleeps in then on Sun the other one sleeps in.

Going to the studio is his job, BUT you two are his family. So he needs to find a good balance between to two now since he is done with school. On the weekends we work around the house, go to the park, play outside, eat out for one meal as a family, church. We are a team and weekends are family time (hubby works during the week but I do work in the evenings 1-2 times on the weekend).

If you have not already done so express your wants/ideas to your hubby on how you would like family time on the weekends. It is important for you to do things as a family.

Lastly I have once or twice a month set aside mommy alone time, where I do something for 2-3 hours that is just me. Massage, sitting at a coffee house reading, or whatever you enjoy and will rejuvenate you.

For the first three+ years with kids, hubby worked Mon-Fri nights so it was all me every week day evening and weekend mornings so I never got a chance to sleep in, always put the kids to bed (he would sometimes on weekends but most of the time they were used to me so it went quicker if I did it!). Now he's working weekends so I STILL do not get to sleep in (LOL) but he has them Mon-Thurs all day so I feel our rearing is about even. I still put the kids to bed every night, but that is mainly because I put them to bed at the same time (in the same room) and my daughter prefers I lay with her. She will go to sleep for him, but it just works well this way. She does, however, ask for dad to come in and kiss her after I'm done.

As far as making dinner, I'd say we split that about 50/50 during the week. Sam with laundry and dishes. He'll usually vacuum 1-2x a week and I do it once a weekend. The bathrooms are a different story - we have two - I clean one and he cleans one. So mine gets cleaned alot more than his! LOL

Well in my case, my other half, normaly wouldn't and doesn't to much to helping with the child. Unless I bugg him to deal with our son when he still isn't listening to me. Being as my son is around me the whole day I think hes gotten over listening to me, but when his daddy speaks its a little more odd to him and usualy listens. But other than that, he does very little. He doesn't take him out side to play, he doesn't make him food to eat unless I have snuck off to bed and he hasssss to.. Though some times he would still wake me up and tell me to feed the kid. For the most part I do it all, and he does very little that has anything to do with our child. He sneeks in cuddles and plays with him a bit here and there,but really, unless I sneek off to bed and leave him up with our son, he won't do much at all.