What Is Really Bothering My Daugher and What Can I Do to Make It Easier for Her

Dear T.,
I'm sorry you're going through this with your daughter, but I'm also pretty sure it's typical. Kids often like going to a new daycare or preschool at first because it's fun and new and different. Then, when the realization sets in that they'll be going EVERY day, it doesn't seem so fun anymore. My son still goes through this to an extent every year when it comes to school, and he just started high school. It's all great and new and exciting at first, and then it becomes a drag. He'll say, "Crap! I gotta do this for 8 more months." (It's a good thing he'll never have to be pregnant).
You can try talking to the teacher, chances are she's seen this sort of thing before, and just try to get your daughter over this "hump". She'll get settled in.
It sounds like dark, scary, and I don't want to be quiet has to do with rest time. She may well not want to be quiet, but you can talk to her about how all the children have to be quiet. And p.s. - I didn't like my name either! I'm sure she wonders what you do when you're away from her and wishes you could just stay home and play together, but it's just not possible for a lot of us. I had my daughter in preschool early and she was ready for kindergarten at 4. She went through a sad spell and I came to find out that she was worried I wouldn't have anything to eat. (I always packed her lunch box every morning). So, I started letting her make MY lunch. I got little brown lunch bags and she'd give me a granola bar, some fruit, sometimes she'd make me a "samwich". That was her little job and she'd put a sticker or draw a face on my lunch bag. Every day she'd ask me how my lunch was and I'd tell her it was great! At work, I had a drawer full of about 40 granola bars. I'd bring a few back at a time and sneak them back into her lunch drawer at home. Sometimes it's little things like that that help them feel like they're helping. When she says she doesn't want to go to school, tell her it's okay to feel that way. She still has to go, but you understand how she feels. Heck, how many days have you felt like you don't want to go to work? If I had a dollar for every one of those days, I'd never have to work again.
Try not to feel guilty. Keep an upbeat and positive attitude, tell her everything will be okay. Unless you have grounds to suspect something really wrong is going on at the preschool, you just need to help her over this hurdle. It will get easier.

Best of wishes!

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Find out if there is something going on at the school that would cause this reaction. Don't just assume everything is normal and fine. Everything may be normal and fine. But make sure. I agree with the person who said - pay an unexpected visit to the school. I have a still very clear memory from my childhood in pre-school when another child, a boy, accidentally went potty in his pants (poo poo and pee I presume). This was a no-diaper preschool so all kids where supposed to be potty trained. Well, what they did was take the kid outside on the large patio which was visible by all the kids playing on the playground around it and gave him a garden hose and made him strip down his clothes on his own and hose of his pants by himself while everyone (all the kids and I presume any other staff that was around) watched him. I don't know how the kid felt about it, but just watching him have to do that in front of everyone traumatized me. I must have been 5 or so and I think the kid was maybe like 3 or 4. Of course this was in the early 1970s and I guess pre-schools or daycares got away with stuff like that. Now, I presumed they'd be sued for something like this if any parent found out about it. Anyway - point is - you don't know what's going on. So pay some unexpected visits during which you observe how the kids are treating each other, how good the supervision of the kids is, how much the staff mediates any conflicts, and how attentive the staff is to the kids. Make sure you are satisfied with what is going on there before you assume that your child is just making things up for no reason.

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Hi T.,

I am a mom of 2 girls who attended preschool part-time to full-time and a teacher of 20 years. Putting the teacher talk aside here, she may just need mama for a day. this is so normal and necessary. It sounds like you are busy which is fine but the adjustment takes time. It is new for her making friends and perhaps (being and ESL teacher here), I don't know your daughter's name but I bet it is beautiful, but perhaps other children asked about her name or couldn't pronounce it right. Kids can be pretty straight-forward in what they say when it is really their own job to learn how to pronounce other children's names. Talk to the teacher to find out what you can do and maybe take one day off with her. I know times are tight but we moms only get so much time with those cuddly little ones before they want to be away from us all day. You are a great mom for asking these questions and caring so much. Kids in preschool, sometimes used as daycare (expensive) still need mama a TON.

T.

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I agree with the others that reality has set in and the honeymoon is over. She's resisisting the change which is normal. It will take time to adjust. Just watch your "gift giving". You are rewarding her undesireable behavior (refusal of school) with treats (muffins, gummi bears). This will set a bad precedent. Pretty soon anytime she isn't happy about doing something she will expect to be comenpensated for doing it - this will get really awful by the teenage years. I remember a couple of days when I took my son to daycare in his pajamas because he was being so difficult (by the way he was in clothes by the time I picked him up). It didn't bother him too much then, but I bet at school it would be a big deterrent to arrive in pajamas and she'd change pretty quickly. This may be a bit much but you could try it if nothing else works. She has to learn that you are in charge of her schedule and she only gets to make adjustments to that schedule within reason and as you permit.Good luck!

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Your experience reminds me of my daughters experience w/ day camp this summer. Everyday she said she loved it (which was so important w/ how much I was pending for her to be there!) But on days 3 and 4 it was a total effort to get ther to go and at age 7 I was surprised that she was absolutely protesting- espec since she did have friends there.
But, it turns out she did not have ENOUGH friends there and was totally over-stimulated. There were tons of kids nd tons of classes and it was just too much for her. She verbaized this by saying, "it's too much fun!"- as in the fun never stops and she wasn't getting down time to assimilate everything. I finally let her miss day 5 and 6 b/c they coincided w/ days off for me. When she went back after the long wknd she loved it and she gave it a ten- would definitely do it again!
Bottom line, it may just be a lot of the new and hard to take it all in. You will prob get good ideas how you can help her assimilate- maybe play school w/ her, have her nap aftr or play hookie. YOu sound very creative so I'm sure you will manage. Just know it's temp- a transition. Good luck!

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Maybe all she can take is three days at a time. Who takes care of your 20 month old while your at work? They may need the other two days to bond together and feel secure. Children mature at different rates and so consider this as part of maturing. She maybe ready for five days in a couple of months but not right now.

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You've gotten a lot of great advice here. I also think this is in the normal range of reacting to a big change. I don't know if this a possibility, but you might have better luck if Daddy can take her to school. It sounds she might be responding to your stress in addition to going through a tough transition. Dads tend to be a little less emotional than us moms, making it easier for children to be adventurous. When I dropped my son off he would cry even after a couple months and with daddy, he strolled in, insisted on carrying his lunch box, and would say bye with no problem.

Definitely talk to the teacher. They spend so much time with our children and teach them so much. If you approach the relationship as if she is your partner in parenting (not the same as a parent or a replacement) you may get some real help with all the issues that come up.

I also think it is not too early to start teaching some coping skills. When she says it is dark and scary, ask her what she does, then tell her what you would do. Also you may want to teach her to take breaks from the other children--depending on her temperament she might be overwhelmed by noise, rough play, or just negotiating playing together all day. Help her to figure out how to do this school thing. Give her lots of chances to come up with her own solutions by asking open ended questions.

Most of all, I want to reassure you that you are not a bad mother for taking her to daycare. This is the reality that most of us have to cope with and staying home is not a possibility.

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First, I would ask her teacher how she is adjusting. Ask her if there are any issues with other children picking on her or if she is acting out at preschool due to possible differences in rules at preschool versus home. If there isn't anything there, it might just be a litttle bit of separation anxiety from you. My daughter has been going to preschool since February, and there are still days that she doesn't want to let me leave. I can usually tell when those days are because it's usually when there are a lot of kids at the preschool before we get there. My daughter tends to get anxious if there are too many people around when she shows up to a place (preschool, the gym babysitting room, the baby room at church). You might want to pay attention to that as well. Does your daughter have an unusual name that other kids would make fun of? Kids can be very cruel sometimes.

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How does she seem when you pick her up? Is she happy and playing? It seems that she does like school and her teacher. That would be what I would go by. Some kids have a harder time than others saying goodbye and separating. My daughter is 3 and 9 months, and has been in preschool two days a week since the end of January. She loves her teachers, loves her friends, is always upbeat and energetic and excited when I pick her up. But when it's a school morning, she drags her feet, complains, cries when I drop her off that it "takes too long" for me to come back. I try to remain matter-of-fact, and communicate that I trust the teachers and that school is a fun place, and she has grown a lot and has a much easier time. I used to watch her after I left from the observation room, and over time she would cry less and less, until now she might cling to me and complain but doesn't burst into tears like she used to.

One thing that seemed to help is when I kneeled down to her level, and told her that I know it's hard to say goodbye, I don't like it either, it's hard for me too. That seemed to calm her down, perhaps she felt that I was hearing what she was trying to say.

It sounds like your daughter might just be trying to talk about all the new things she's experiencing, and having to learn. From what you say, perhaps nap time is a hard thing to adjust to for her? They probably turn off the lights for nap time, and if it's quiet then things feel very strange. I might also talk to her teacher to find out how she's handling things, and maybe see if they have any ideas for the transition.

One thing that my daughter's teacher had us do was paste some pictures of our family onto a piece of construction paper, and put that into a sheet protector. She kept this in her cubby, and whenever she missed us she could carry that around and look at it. She loved this, and would tell her friends in class who all the different people were. We made sure that they were pictures of her with us, and her with her grandparents so that she could see that she was still part of us as a family.

Another thing that I have done is try to make a game of our drive to the school. We pretend to "eat" the trees and plants that we pass, calling them broccoli, or spinach. If we see a red car, that's our ketchup, or a yellow car is our mustard. My daughter loves this, and it distracts her enough that she doesn't get so worked up on the way. Other times we'll pretend that we're in an airplane, or that we're different cartoon characters that she loves flying along. Then again, some days she's just not into going to school!

I know how hard it is to see your child in distress, but remember that preschool is really good for kids, they get a head start on learning, and learn all about how to interact with other kids and adults. My daughter used to be really afraid of other kids at the playground, now she'll go up to them and ask them to play on her own.

Sending a hug to you, feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or just want to vent!

L.

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Hi T.,

Reinforcing positive affirmations on how she is such a big girl going to school and how beautiful her name is and when she gets home from school and she is good do something special for her.

She will get used to it.

It will take time and patience.

Good luck.

N. Marie

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A lot of this is very very normal for her age and for the beginning of a new experience. Many kids struggle, even after it seems like they got it down, as the newness and excitement wears off, reality sets in.

I think her statements are not all that strange, and are probably more true than it seems. Scary/dark, is probably about nap time (more quiet than home? darker?), being quiet could either be nap time when she's having trouble sleeping, or a general issue with having to behave more. And her name -- she may get teased for some reason (spelled different, hard to remember), or is having a hard time with some part of school that revolves around names, like getting to know you games. If she really doesn't like her name, which could be a new thing as she meets new different kids, get the book "chrysanthamum" by Kevin Henke. If it's not exactly about her name, try to ask more questions to get to the bottom of it.

All that said, patience and support will get her through the hump. She WILL learn to enjoy it and get used to all the new things. Don't suggest that she doesn't have to go anymore if it's not true. I read this awesome passage from a book the other day about helping kids deal with emotions.
1) Hear and confirm her feelings -- yes, I think you are nervous, scared, lonely, whatever it is she can explain. it's common to be nervous about new things, and this is still your new school. You are sad when I'm not around...
2) Assure her some that she'll get past it, showing that you have confidence she'll be OK. BUt also suggest ways that can ease her way immediately: "I'm sure you'll have a good time once you get into the swing of things, but right now you are pretty sad. How about if I walked you in and stayed to read you a book?" Then get into a routine of a special goodbye (my daughter and I do "air" kisses and hugs) and walk away knowing that she WILL be OK, and the independence she's gaining is key for development, along with that security of having you at the end of the day. You'll both get through it, I swear!

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What does the teacher say when you talk to her? If it continues and you do not get a reasonable response I would ask that my child be moved.

Mother of four

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Hi T.,
Your note about your daughter made me so sad for her. She really sounds unhappy and maybe is going along with this change of going to school to make you happy. I notice you have a 1 1/2 y.o. also and you work full time. I'm guessing this school is a different place than her daycare, maybe a different place than her younger sister is at? She's only 3. Is there a reason you want her to go to preschool? I don't know who has been taking care of your kids while you work, but perhaps you could go back to the way it was and try preschool again next year when your daughter is older. It's really hard to get accurate information from a 3 y.o. I'm amazed that she was able to tell you: scary, dark, don't want to be quiet & don't like my name. I'm not sure about the first 2 answers, but in some preschool settings, kids have to be quiet for a long time & wait for a turn after many other children. The concern about her name could be from even one other child making a comment about it.

When my first child was 3, the moms of his playgroup friends were all talking about sending their kids to preschool. It seemed too early for us. My son just wanted to be with me and occasionally play with other kids. When he was 4 y.o., we decided to "homeschool" for preschool and continue his playdates with other kids.

Best wishes deciding what will work for your family.

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We had a similar problem with my 3 yr old grandson, he was happy the first couple of days, then hated it, cried, had trouble sleeping, and was just really, REALLY unhappy. My daughter-in-law did all the checking on the school that others mentioned, talked to the teachers, and to a child counselor at her doctor's office. They finally decided that 5 days was just too much social input for for him, he is less social than our other grandson, and that this was overwhelming him. They took him out completely for a couple of weeks, then she was able to adjust her schedule so that he only went to preschool 3 days a week and stayed home the rest of the week either with her, or her usual babysitter, and he started to like school again. She upped it to 4 days after he turned 4, and is now doing 4 1/2 this fall (he will be 5 in a few days). She keeps each of the boys home a half day (separately) as their "Mom Time Day", when they get to spend the afternoon with her, just the two of them, doing something fun (I have a GREAT daughter-in-law). He now LOVES school, and can't wait to go in the morning.
I know with a full time job this is difficult, but maybe you can talk your boss into reduced hours for a few months to help her adjust to the higher social demands of school, if that is her problem. Take it from a Grandma, they grow so fast, in a very short time she will be past this for better or worse, so take the time when she needs you now, this won't wait.

Don't neglect checking the school conditions and teacher, go that route first, one of the major errors parents make is not listening to what their children say. The comment about it being "scary" and "dark" is the one I find troubling. Our little guy is also terrified of the dark but he never equated it to school. Is she normally afraid of the dark? When, how, and why is the school "dark"? Do they turn out the lights during naptime? Is there a connection with not being quiet and darkness? Check these things out, and if the school checks out, then "dark" and "scary" may be the words she chose to describe her emotional feelings. Does your pediatrician have a child counselor on staff that you can chat with?

Good luck getting back to a happy daughter.

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My first thought (like another mom) about the scary/dark/quiet comments was nap time.
The first few days I would guess it was an exciting change of scenery/routine to go, but now she is understanding that it will be every day and the honeymoon is over, as they say.
In my experience, kids are troubled by change. Their world is so narrow, and when it is expanded, I'm sure it feels like everything has turned upside down. But change is necessary and healthy, and she will learn to adjust to it and probably come to love going there-- just like when she first started.

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I am going through the exact same thing. It is terrible and I leave just wanting to cry myself. My 3 year old wakes in the middle of the night to tell me that she doesnt want to go to school. Her Preschool teachers warned me that the first days go easy since they really dont know what to expect. But once they figure it out they become emotional. I wish I had something great to tell you, but I dont:( I have my fingers crossed that after a couple weeks this all changes and she will have a good morning. Wish you luck and please let me know if you get any good advice....I need it too:)

S.

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Having worked in childcare for over twenty years, I've seen a lot of this. I even began referring to it as the "third day blues" because in my experience it seems to have started most often on the third day of a child being in school. The child begins to realize this isn't a one or two day "lark" but is going to happen day after day after day and they begin to back off of liking the idea. It usually doesn't take more than a week or two for them to begin to make friends and become comfortable with the routine enough to begin being happy to go to school again. Do make sure you take advantage of the option to show up at odd times of day and just peek in to see how she's doing. This is the best way for parent to reassure themselves that the care their child is getting is adequate and that the child is doing well.

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My son's preschool teacher said that EVERY kid has to go through this phase. My son did not for the first two weeks and she was impressed, but after two weeks, he did the same thing your daughter is doing. He was very upset and did not want to go to school anymore. It is totally normal and she will pass through this phase.

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Unfortunately, people often don't listen to their kids when the kids are telling them "something's wrong". I have a couple of questions. Is this a school or a daycare? How did you find it? Do you have friends who have their kids there? My advice is to talk to the teacher and find out if there was a teasing incident (the name thing), how long nap time is and what is the procedure and get a feel for how the teacher is interpreting this behavior. Better yet, pay an unexpected visit to the school and finally, listen to your gut.

Hello T.: Being a mother of 5, a grandmother and having done Day Care for many years I just wanted to add a few thoughts that may have already been adressed but are very important to me as a parent and care provider.
1. are you sure that your little one is in the right care setting??
There are some that are more stimulating than others with activities.
2. does your child have the same or simular "rules" at home as at the care place? Think about how many hours the child is in care and how many hours they are with you and see how you can adjust to make it less confussing.
My one grandchild @ 3 is in care 3 days a week and she knows the differancebetween home and care takers rules and standards. My daughter in law has a very busy time in the morning but she makes sure that the night before they have everything ready to go and reminds our little one about how much mommy and daddy love her while they are apart. At night they make sure that they are not on the phone and have time that belongs to their children only until bedtime then use that time for computer work, and calls. While reading to the children at bedtime they try checking out what is going on with their little ones.
3. I would encourage the parents to check in during the day- sometimes 4 the parents loneliness and sometimes for the childs.
4. I note that you have a infant, is this child in care as well?? If not - then there may be confusion about why the older one has to go and the baby not.
5. Since you are sounding aas if you are working 2 jobs- could the child be feeling that they are pushed out of the nest faster than they were ready to be.
6. Have you considered a Nanny that comes to your home? If you check you will find that often the price is well worth it and if you are not close to family and Grandparents you can have someone that can be a Grandparent replacement (I am blessed to have 12 extra Grandchildren from this), and it will be an enriching experiance for both the child and the Nanny figure. I had at one time a daughter that worked as a Nanny (she lived in ) that shared her with another family, and she got children to appointments, took turns helping at school, and picked children up from school. It worked for both families.
Your children are your greatest treasure that you have and should be only in the best place and care. Sometimes I will have a parent tell me that they want "reduced rates, or least expensive rate - yet full 9 - 14 hours care-- I only say this because I want you to be sure that the child doesn't hear this discussion. I have seen where the child that heard this- from our conversation or parents talking @ home, & sometimes is confused by what they hear and think you are putting a money value on them.
I hope that you will find some of this helpful. Please feel free to contact me if I can be of any more help. Nana G

My son's PS/daycare has quite time for a couple of hours and the lights are off and kids are supposed to be quite, so that could very well be what she is referencing. Check with the teachers and ask the the routines are. My son also sings a song that includes his name (and everyone else in the circle), so something could have happened there - even a comment from another child. At 3, when my son started, he also had many days where he did NOT want to go to PS, but after a few minutes, he quited down. When I picked him up, I'd ask if he cried long and if there was anything I should know. I always try to touch basis with the teachers (maybe not every day, but once or twice a week). Even a phone call during the day once in a while may be a good idea.
Good luck.

Whatever is going on, the teacher isn't succeeding in getting her through it. I would sit in on the class as an observer and see what is going on. I would talk to the teacher and get her take on it. I would follow your daughter's lead on this. If she truly is scared there then I wouldn't want her to be there. I wouldn't want to be someplace that scares me! I would try another school, or skip it for now. She's only 3, and there's no reason why she has to be there. Maybe someplace 1 or 2 times/week would be more comfortable.

Good luck!