What Is a Good Age to Talk About Sex?

More and more kids are experimenting with sexual acts at younger and younger ages, as young as 8 and 9. It is important to be open about sex and discuss it young, and keep discussing it as they age, with more and more info and they are old enough to understand it.

I think you're right there.
I have a 9 year old third grader.
Luckily, he knows all of the "pertinent" information. He's always been told & he knows correct names for male & female body parts, etc.
He knows how a baby leaves a mother's body, he just doesn't know "exactly" how it gets in there!
VERY SOON we need to connect those dots.
It's time.

Believe me B., the "right age" is when they ask! Nowdays ignorance is downright dangerous. There are loads of terrific books for young kids which answer the question "where do babies come from". The only way for it not to become a "big deal" is if you just tell them the truth in a calm manner.

Regarding Santa & The Tooth Fairy - I also tried to keep the "magic" going for as long as possible and my oldest kept trying to "catch me out". If he straight out won't believe any more, bring him into the "conspiracy" to let his little sister believe as long as possible. My son was very proud that he was the "big boy" who knew and was "helping"! :)

Calm down. He is curious about an important and natural part of life and it's up to you and his Dad to make sure he is informed. Sex is not bad and learning the basics of how we function and interact with each other is not only not bad, it's really, really important.
You should have been speaking with him in an age appropriate way since he was much younger. It isn't one talk you have with your kids it's discussions about sex, love, & life that should take place throughout his childhood. By the time he's 8-10 you should have discussed topics concerning sex many times in different contexts.
Trust me he is seeing sex related things everywhere in our culture, it's up to his parents to help shape what he thinks about all that stuff.
Finally if "the guy at church said sex was really bad" I'd consider changing churches. If that's what you teach your child you're opening him up to all kinds of danger and problems down the road.

Yeah, I think my oldest was around 8 or 9 when I told it too him absolutely straight.

After the color came back to his face and his breathing returned to normal, it was clear he did not believe me.

How could such a BIZARRE thing be true. People DO that?!

I told him, what your friends say about sex when they're fooling around is not true. They are seriously misinformed. Don't you think I KNOW how it works? Where do you think you CAME from?

Anyway, I wanted to make sure he understood he would NEVER be in trouble for asking questions, even when he had to use 'bad words'. I would always be straight with him. And I was.

I know I make it sound easy, but it's not. It was terrifying at first. I choked on EVERY word. Yikes, ejaculation was probably the WORST word I had to say. Bleck! But as time went by, the conversations got easier, smoother, things could be said with humor. Humor, but always plain old truth.

With each successive kid, it was not so painful. I got better at it, and they had already learned some truths from the oldest (God Bless THat James!).

Good Luck with it Mom!

:)
**I should add, that initial conversation did not come from nowhere. Like you, it took my seeing/hearing evidence that he had questions or was thinking about it, it took me awhile to fight with myself about how could this be, having to talk to this baby about such things! Took sometime for ME to cope with that before I jumped on an opportunity like the one you mention here.

My son and I began talking about sexuality, physical and emotional maturity and bodily changes when he was about 8. It is the beginning of the tween years.

Sexuality should be an ongoing discussion between parents and children.

Children know way more than we realize and it is better that they get information from parents rather than their school friends.

I think that you should talk to your children about sex, just enough for them to understand for their age. As they get older then you give more information but as long as you start these conversations now they will feel comfortable about talking to you first (and not learning about it outside of your home).

As for Santa and the Tooth Fairy all kids figure this out eventually. Santa does not want to be seen and is very busy with so many children in the world now (so you and your hubby are Santa's helpers) and the Tooth Fairy stops coming after all your baby teeth are gone, her/his work is done at your home.

My daughter keeps asking why we can’t visit the North Pole like we visit Disney. I told her then everyone would go and Santa would not be able to get things done in time. She is 5 and so far she has bought it.

Well obviously your son is old enough to KNOW about it, so unless you want him to get wrong, and screwed up information from kids his age, you and your husband had better sit down with him and explain what you think he may need to know. Ask him first what he knows. I don't think there is an age that is "too young". I think it depends on the circumstances and where you live, who your kids hang out with, etc. Sometimes kids hear stuff too young, and you, as the parent, need to just go with it, and tell it like it is. You don't have to be graphic and give the "whole" story about sex, just whatever they will accept. I used to tell my boys the same thing that you described as "you are male sex, she is female sex" and that didn't last long. They are smarter than you think. If you are uncomfortable with the talk, you can always go buy a book to help you and read it together. Good luck, it is hard. My husband wasn't good at it, so I ended up doing it. But my boys do not hesitate to ask me anything now, and they are teens.

I think by age 8 or 9 you should have at least started introducing the concept. (M. and Daddy love each other, and sometime we kiss and stuff like that.)

By the time they're 11 or so, then you should have the talk with them. If you don't, someone at school will and they'll get misinformation. All my kids have had the talk, on their level, and know that they can come to me with whatever questions they have.

I would be more worried that someone at the church is talking to very young kids about sex and telling them it's very very bad. That's going to give the kids the impression that no sex is good. I would be finding out who at church talked to him about sex.

Communication should have been started and been very open from the time the children start talking and asking questions. You answer questions at age appropriate levels.

Wouldn't you prefer your children to be comfortable enough to come to you with questions vs ask their friends on rely on the info from friends?

The person who said sex was bad is doing your son a huge disservice. This sets him up to think of it as something dirty. Sex is not dirty, you have to explain that it is special between married couples.

If you don't feel comfortable to speak with him, then do it while you are driving or on a walk so you don't have eye contact.

The more children believe you are uncomfortable and believe it is dirty, the more they will think so as well and there goes the never ending cycle of sex is something bad.

Communicate and get those lines wide open so the children will come to you. You will need those lines of communication wide open, especially as they grow older.

I haven't read your other responses, but I think you're doing your kids a disservice if you wait until 7th or 8th grade to talk to them about sex. They may even be 'experimenting' by that age. If you wait that long, they'll get the info from other kids. My daughter is turning 7 this May; I don't know specifically at what age I or she may initiate the conversation, but we'll probably have a more in-depth conversation around age 9 (we already have a body book that talks about how babies grow in the mommy, etc.)

Sex or puberty or both?

The American Girls book (was called The Care and Keeping of You last we bought it) is a good starter for girls and I'm sure there are similar books for boys. I think that it is better to start younger. You don't need to get into specifics right away, but kids need to know things like sex can equal gender and the act of sex is good in a marriage, etc. It's not a bad word, per se. Have a series of small talks over time discussing what they need to know at that age and what they might be hearing at school, etc. Answer questions honestly. I think he needs some parental info.

When I didn't believe in Santa and my sister did, my mom bribed me. And she also said, "Look, your sister will only believe for a few more years. Don't take this from her. You still get the fun." I never felt the need to tell my little sister. When we were older, Mom would pretend we did not know and we'd say, "Thank you Santa" to her when opening our stockings.

Further, if you have an issue of him running to her and telling her things or trying to get her into trouble, I would take that as a separate issue. If he tells her x or he tries to get her to do something he thinks or knows is wrong, then his punishment is y. When I made a "club" and then excluded my sister after she did what we told her, *I* got grounded for being unfair and mean. I think that part is an overall behavior that you need to address aside from Santa and sex ed.

Sex education should start from the toddler years on. Age appropriate of course. I suggest that both your son and daughter need to know the word and what it means. You did a good job by telling them that they each have a different sex. I would continue to talk about when it's good and when it's bad. Try to explain, in simple terms why the church person said it's bad.

I would also find out who is talking about sex in negative terms. It's not appropriate during the grade school years. I'm not sure it's ever appropriate. Children need to be taught that sex is good and the circumstances in which it's used. Emphasis on a loving relationship, etc.
At 8, the information needs to be very simple.

There are some good books to help teach. One that I've used is Good Touch, Bad Touch.

I suggest that your husband is right. In the fourth grade, in health classes, the kids are taught about the differences between the sexes and how they can take care of themselves. You want them to learn your view on sex instead of what they pick up elsewhere.

I think you should sit down and talk to both of your children and tell them that sex is not bad and the word is not bad word. And then I would have a talk with the guy at church and tell him that he is NOT to tell your children that sex is bad.

By 3rd grade... you may well already be too late.

25 years ago, a girl in my 3rd grade class got pregnant, we all knew what sex was, almost none of our parents had clued us in... but older siblings sure had.

Last year, we found out a lot of the local boys (different schools, from local sports teams and drama groups) were experimenting with oral sex, because even though most of them had gotten the birds and bees talk, most people didn't include oral sex in their spiels.

Give her the information. Before homones, it's just protective, not attractive. In fact, except for the taboo nature of it, sex is pretty gross before homones. Sounds like as much fun as sticking your finger up your nose.

Updated

By 3rd grade... you may well already be too late.

25 years ago, a girl in my 3rd grade class got pregnant, we all knew what sex was, almost none of our parents had clued us in... but older siblings sure had.

Last year, we found out a lot of the local boys (different schools, from local sports teams and drama groups) were experimenting with oral sex, because even though most of them had gotten the birds and bees talk, most people didn't include oral sex in their spiels.

Give her the information. Before homones, it's just protective, not attractive. In fact, except for the taboo nature of it, sex is pretty gross before homones. Sounds like as much fun as sticking your finger up your nose.

My daughter is in the second grade and boys in her class have been saying "sex me" and "sexy" and other "sex" talk all year. I was totally thrown for a loop when she came home at the start of the year and asked me what sex was. I asked her where she had heard about it and what she thought it was. Then I explained in very simple terms (no graphic details) what it is. Her friend's mom told her daughter it is the gender of a person. I think that's fine if the other kids aren't talking in great detail about what "sex" is, but since they are, I wanted my daughter to know basic information and not make a big deal about it. It does seem way too young to be having these conversations. It bothers me that kids are bringing it to school but not sure what we can do about it besides homeschool/shelter the child from it. I wanted my daughter to know she can always come to me to ask questions and I wouldn't freak out about it, but it was a little difficult not to get a look of shock on my face when she asked me!

My then 5 & 8 year olds were there in the room to see their sister born so we had long since had many conversations by that point. We had rescued a mama cat and her 2 kittens (we tried to catch her before they were born but missed it by a couple days) just a couple months before I got pregnant so that brought up the conversation too. They are now 11 & 8 and I don't think there is much we haven't discussed unless it is the really out there kinky stuff. My almost 3 year old knows what she can understand at her age as well.
Sex has been a very open and on going conversation since they were old enough to notice they had a body and theirs was different then the family members of the opposite sex. They know that they can come to us with anything they hear, they will not get in trouble for saying whatever word it may be since the context is of course to learn what it is.
We always discuss morals and feelings and that it not something you need to talk about with friends. My kids have never been the one in the group to "spill the beans" even if they are the ones that seem to know the most because they know it is not their place to talk about it, it is their friends' parents place. The loudest mouth on the playground is always the one that learned it "on the street" and don't have a healthy attitude about it at home.
A book we bought for my oldest that we also read is "It's Perfectly Normal" by Robie H. Harris
http://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growi...

It really helps direct the dialogue, even if you don't give it to your child yet it can help you find a way to direct the conversation. It talks about body basics, puberty as well as intercourse, STDs, morality, emotionally being ready etc. We gave it to our oldest when he was about 9 to read and told him if he had any questions at all to ask. We all read the book together, including my youngest son.
My kids are still kids and have not had their innocence taken away from them by having this knowledge. They have learned about basic human biology just as they learn how plants grow and the weather happens. It has not made them want to go out and test their new found knowledge. They know it is for grown ups, of which they are not yet.

I highly recommend that you find out who this male in church is that said something and bring it to the pastors attention. That is not something that should be happening.

As for things like Santa, Easter Bunny & Tooth Fairy. They have nothing to do with Sex education. The only similarity here that I see is the desire for honesty with your children. If it is harmless fun then I see no problems "lying" but when it comes to sex education I see a lot of problems with lying, hiding and not having an open dialogue.

I truly believe that it is appropriate to discuss aspects of sexuality as they come up and is healthy to take advantage of a healthy open relationship at all ages. Of course, the detail and depth is going to be completely different. :)
I think your start with the definition of "sex" as it relates to gender is perfect. I'm glad that you are in the loop as it seems that he is getting educated from church in a direction that he may not understand and seems to be a very negative view for him.

Yep, kids have a way of dragging us into those conversations before we are ready for them. Our son knew from probably about age 3 that babies grow in the mama's belly (his little sister was born at 3 1/2), and knew that there was a seed from the mama and one from the dad. That information seemed to be enough at the time and was perfectly easy to say. The kicker was when he asked at age 8 how the seeds got together. He was quite clear that he wasn't taking the same old explanation about seeds, that it was how how they got together. I ummed, erred, and didn't answer that day. I mentioned the conversation to some friends later, and one gave me a great book about all kinds of bodily functions (sneezing, etc), and among them was the how babies are made. I shared that book with our son and looked up lots of things. He looked thoughtful, but didn't ask anything else. A few days later, the mother of a friend reported to me (laughing her head off) that our son had explained the process to the boys in his class and they had decided together that it couldn't be true. It's a great example of how kids will understand things when they're ready and not before.

I do agree you need to make clear to your kids that sex is not bad, just maybe that it isn't something to do casually or too early. Good luck with it!

Imagine driving your first grader (6 year old) home from school to hear his voice asking you if you and his daddy had sex to make him? YES I almost wrecked the car but I told him I couldn't answer until we got home.

When we got home and I gave him a simple explanation and he was satisfied. We have always had an open conversation about body parts and sex. He's now 17 and we can still talk.

There is no age really too young to to talk if they are bringing it to you. Besides I don't want other people's opinion to be the first my kids are exposed to or the last for that matter.

I think you might be a couple of years too late. My daughter is 7 years. We've been talking to her about sex since she was 2 years old. We want her to see it as a natural thing that she can talk to my husband and I about. Knowing doesn't lead to experimenting its actually ignorance that leads to that. I was knowledgeable about sex and knew that it was something that I wanted to wait till I meet the perfect man. I met the perfect man and had sex for the first time on my weddinig night. Knowledge is power.

I think you can talk about "Sex" without talking about the actual act. The fact that he brought it says 1. He trusts you. 2. That he may be a lil curous but doesnt know what "sex" is to know if its good or bad.
There sre so many things that go along with the sex talk. Respect for your yourself, your own body and that of your partner. The dangers of having sex to young. The whole disease part and/or getting pregnant.
Being pushed into having sex because of the "if you love me" line. Really caring and knowing the person. And like the others have said, its all about what the question is at hand, age appropriate answers and if a simple answer is all he is looking for.
Good Luck! Im sure I will be asking these questions to you- I have a 6 yr old boy. Lol so let me know how it goes :-)
Just remember to keep the line of communication open. Knowlege is power! (for both of you) you giving the knowlege for him to make wise choices and you having the knowledge on what your son is doing and how he feels!

I have always believed that whenever a child asks, that is the time to give them the truth - in age appropriate language. I hate kids being told that sex is bad. It is a beautiful part of life. I told my kids that sex was a normal adult activity. For your 5 year old, I would recommend "Where Did I Come From" which gives a simplistic but accurate over view. See how your 8 year old handles that. If you feel it satisfies his curiosity, then fine. If he needs a little more information, try the companion book on puberty called "What is Happening to ME?" Knowledge is power and giving children power to make good choices is helping them to grow up.

I'm sorry, did I read that your son learned that from CHURCH? Whats wrong with this picture? Inappropriate if you ask me.
I would say, he is too young to be talking about sex.....period. Maybe in a few years.
Church......that blows my mind.