51 answers

What Chores Do You Expect from Your 10 Year Old and What Discipline Do You Use

My 10 year old daughter is uncooperative when asked to assist around the house. There is a power struggle and attitude when asked to perform even simple tasks. Then everything escalates on both sides. I am curious what other moms are experiencing and what forms of discipline seems to be effective. I feel like our relationship is great as long as nothing is asked of her. She normally is a sweet considerate kid, until it's time for chores, then the fireworks start. What's normal?

1 mom found this helpful

What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you to everyone for your input. It certainly rang true to some and hit a nerve with others! I am going to hang tough and continue to limit the fun until the work gets done. To my sisters going through the fire with me- Thanks for the commiseration!To those of you skillful or lucky enough not to be where we are - Enjoy!

G.

Featured Answers

I will let you know that it is better to teach them now the imprortants of being neat now. My nephew is 8 (I have custody) and I already have him with his daily routine. He knows that if he makes a mess he is to clean it up. After he eats anything he knows he is to clean up his mess off the table. There are some times that I ask him to clean off the table so we can eat dinner or I will ask him if he wants to set the table I noticed that when I ask him to help he is more willing to do it compared to when I tell him to. I try to teach him that it is always good to help. It was hard @ first because he would always give me the question of WHY do I have to do anything? I would tell him that he is now old enough to start having responsiblitiy. It is now time for him to prove to me that I can trust him with little things like this and eventually we can move on to bigger and better things like walking to school (we live 2 houses away), having a pet, going to the store with someone else (Im over protective), and eventually I can trust him to go over to a friends house for the day and when he is there he will do the same things because people dont want kids that are not there making a mess in there house. The would love to see a kid visit and have good manners and good cleaning habits. Now he had made all his clean a habit instead of a chore and when he does go over to even his cousins house they will bring him back and say that he was so helpfull. And to a parents ears it just brings so much joy. Well good luck to you and like I said it is hard @ first but will pay off in the long run.
T.

2 moms found this helpful

This will pass eventually. In the meantime, this is what I did with my 4 (now grown). I used a poster board to make a chart listing all of the chores that were expected to be done. Under each chore, I fashioned a pocket. In the pockets, I would put a certain amount of money appropriate to the difficulty of the daily chores. Whoever completed the chore to satisfaction was allowed to "collect" on that chore. There was no discipline regarding chores. There was only reward or consequence. Since this was in lieu of a weekly allowance, it was the only way for them to earn money for whatever activities they wanted to do. No chores = no movies, etc.

1 mom found this helpful

I have an 11 yr old daughter and almost 8 yr. son. They are to keep their rooms clean (vaccum, make beds, dust etc...), clean table after eating, empty dish washer, feed fish. My daughter helps fold laundry and put away her own clothes. She also keeps their bathroom tidy. I use to give them $5/wk but stopped that because I have to constantly remind them of what their suppose to do. So...they aren't getting allowance until they can start doing them without everyday constant reminders. But I think ALL teenage have to be reminded whether 10 or 17. Usual punishment no tv, video games, friends over or fun outings. I don't like to use reading or homework as punishment.

1 mom found this helpful

More Answers

I have a 9 yr old strong willed son:
He has to make his bed, pick up his clothes, turn off his nightlight, pick up his things, hang up his backpack afterschool, practice the piano. These are posted.
We have a list of rules, ie no lying, no yelling, no back talk etc. They are posted.
He earns points for following the rules and doing his expectations. He uses these points to be able to watch TV, go to his friend's house, play computer or video games.

To earn money (which he is motivated to do to buy pokemon cards, webkinz and gameboy games)
He can sweep the kitchen floor, wash the kitchen floor, put the laundry in the washer and dryer, fold the laundry, put his laundry away, unempty the dish washer, bring in the groceries and put them away.
If he breaks a big rule, he gets community service, which is something like picking up the dog poop in the backyard, putting away his brother and sister's clothes, or something he does not care to do. If he refuses he can sit in his room. He knows his points are frozen until he does the community service so he can not play any of games or watch TV. He can just sit.
He shaped up pretty well after a few months of this.
Good Luck.

4 moms found this helpful

When did you start assigning chores to her? My children start with chores as babies, when they're big enough to understand putting their toys away. They also see us doing chores. (My 19-year-old used to try to sweep the floor before he turned 2 years old! He always wanted things put away. If he saw a pari of shoes out, he woudl search for the bare feet and promptly deliver those shoes!) My point is that it was taught as part of oru routine at home.

At this point, you might create an enjoyable environment and have a conversation with her to explain that she hasn't been allowed to be a big girl (or whatever you have to say) and things are gonna be different from now on. Then, give her some options--dishes, laundry.... Let her start with her own laundry or keeping her own room clean. Let her know that these chores are tied into her privileges, including television and phone time. It will be met with resistence, but your consistency should straighten it out. Don't expect her to do it with a smile--we don't tend to enjoy chores. (Maybe she can fold clothes and watch TV together.) She has to learn that she's got to do it, anyway. That way she learns responsibility and how to suffer through tasks that she doesn't necessarily like.

Hope this helps.

3 moms found this helpful

We have 5 kids, 18, 12, 10, 9 and 8. My 10 year is a girl.

She (and her sister) have to clean their room, make their beds, vacuum their bedroom and the game room, clean the game room, put away their folded laundry (not just stuff it in their drawers either) and there was even a time when they had to do their own laundry. I also have them rotate cleaning the bathrooms with their 2 younger brothers. It probably sounds like a lot, but it is far less than I had to do at the same age, and also takes little time per day if they keep it up.

As for discipline - I have taken all their clothes away and left my girls with 3 outfits (because they were not putting their folded clothes away properly but just dumping them in drawers. I spend a lot of time washing and folding, the least they can do is put them where they belong.) If they fuss about the other chores, they lose a dollar each time. They each get $5 per week for allowance - if they do their chores without griping. If they gripe, they lose a dollar for each time they gripe, simple as that. It means I am not yelling, they know the consequences if they choose to whine.

It takes consistency on your part, and determination to not give in. We have explained to our kids that they are part of a family and all families have to work, and they have to do their share too. If they refuse, then they do not get to do the fun things that the rest of the family does. It is hard, but there have been times I have stayed home with a kid who gave us an attitude about something, while my husband has taken the others somewhere.

As far as I am concerned, there is no choice when it comes to chores. And the attitude needs to change, and you know best how to speak to that in your daughter's life - removing something that is precious to her, until she begins to do the chores without whining. You definitely owe it to her to train her now - there is nothing worse than meeting a person (in college say) who is a slob and has no idea how to clean because mom and dad wanted to be a pal, and hated seeing their kid upset. My children know their chores are not optional, and neither is a negative attitude. And they love getting their money on Fridays. They can even earn a little extra if they do things like help me with the yard work, or in the kitchen. They know their work pays off.

3 moms found this helpful

Yes, this is normal. Congratulations! You have a tween. Right now it's a power struggle with the chores; but before long it will be over other things. When my daughter was 10, she started doing the same thing. Stay strong and consistent. Soon enough she'll realize you mean business and will start helping out again. Just remember...this is only a phase and this too shall pass.

In my home, when my daughter was 10, she was supposed to keep her room and bathroom clean, give the dogs food and water, setting and clearning the dinner table, and alternating with me on dusting and vacuuming. She was pretty good about doing everything except for her room and bathroom. She just couldn't understand why it was important. Anyhow, at first I cleaned her room and bathroom but deducted money from her allowence so I could be paid for my time. That only worked for a short time. When she didn't give me her dirty clothes because she couldn't find them all when I asked for them, I started making her do her own laundry. That backfired! She LOVES to do her own laundry. She's been doing her laundry ever since. Occassionally we'll combine our clothes if neither of us have a full load; but she wants to wash them. I eventually stopped harping on her; but when she wanted to have a friend over or go somewhere my answer was no followed by an explaination of "remember, you didn't do your chores this week. Perhaps next week you'll remember to do them so you can go". That approach worked until just recently. This year she's 12 and has now added attitude and talking back to her newly found lack of interest in chores. We did the chore chart because she said I was nagging her. We also tried putting all of the chores in a hat and made it a random lottery so chores didn't become too routine. Finally, I just approached her and said "I'm really sorry I've been overloading you with chores afterschool. You apprently are so tired from your long day and have so much homework that you just don't have time for chores and family time. How about if you get up 1 hour before your regular wake up time to do some chores that way it's something you don't have to worry about when you get home." She was nodding her head yes like I finally saw her point of view. She started getting up at 5:30 the next morning to do her chores. She complained the first day that she was tired; but she did the chores and went to sleep earlier that night. The next day she was up before I was! On the way to school she commented that she thought it was a hair brained idea; but she likes doing her chores in the morning instead of after school. We haven't had any issues with chores and my house has stayed clean longer. We've been doing this since January. Getting up early may or may not work for you. I have faith that you'll find what motivates your daughter and you'll be able to come to a resolution.

Good luck! Let us know how you resolved the battle of the chores!

3 moms found this helpful

We started when our son was around 5-6 years old getting our son to clean his room and every 6 months to a year, we added more duties, one by one. Now at 10 he does his own landry, collects trash on trash nights, helps bring out the trash, clears dishes off the table after a meal, washes off the dishes prior to placing them in the dishwasher, picks up toys around the house, cleans his room, feeds the dog, and gets the mail. He sometimes forgets some of his duties (like feeding the dog and getting the mail) but we just have to remind him. We do not give an allowance. Early on we told him that every member of the household has to do his part to make the family work. We do pay him for extra big things like helping to clean out the garage but as parents we don't get paid for doing what is necessary to make the house work so neither will he get paid. I think the key for us was starting him doing chores around 5 or 6 and setting the expectation that every body has jobs to do. He also is not allowed to go over to someone's house or do things he enjoys like play video games until his chores are done. The longer he waits to do his chores, the longer he goes without starting to have fun. Actions and consequences. It has worked for us.

3 moms found this helpful

Hi G.!
I have read this book by Dr. Kevin Leman titled "Have a New Kid by Friday". It gives great advice on how to handle situations like this. He calls it reality discipline. If you give your daughter set responsibilities and she doesnt do them then you hit her with reality. For instance, if she doesnt clean her room as she is responsible for and then later that evening she wants you to take her to a friends, you simply tell her, "Im sorry but your not going." It might start a fight, but remain in control. Dr. Leman gives an example of his son. His son was suppose to mow the lawn and one day he decided he didnt want to do it, he was asked to mow the lawn, but to no evail. So Dr. Leman asked the neighbor to mow it and payed him out of his son's allowance. When it was time for his son to get his allowance much to his suprise he didnt get the full amount and when he questioned it, Dr. Leman told him since he didnt mow the lawn like expected he payed someone else to do it and it came out of his allowance. If you do this enough times, she will get the picture. I totaly recommend his books! In this book I am speaking of it gives you a alphabetical list of "issues" and then tells you were in the book to find the solutions to them. I also recommend "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours." His website is: www.lemanbooksandvideos.com/store/. I hope this helps, it has me! Have a blessed day!
H.

3 moms found this helpful

I have a 16, 14 & 11 year old. I have one discipline method that really REALLY works with them. If I asked them to do something in the past, I dealt with the same response as you. I got smart one day. They gave me that old sour face and smug response. I didn't respond at all. I acted as if I didn't even notice. Boy did they like that. We'd get to some store and they'd put their choice of purchase in that basket. I took it right out at the counter. When they questioned me, I responded...I didn't ask you why you chose not to do the dishes. I didn't bother you when you ignored me asking you to put the clothes into the dryer. You don't hear me...I don't hear you. After a few of those (especially when it interfered with a party they wanted me to move, using my gas to drop them off). They see we need each other.

2 moms found this helpful

I will let you know that it is better to teach them now the imprortants of being neat now. My nephew is 8 (I have custody) and I already have him with his daily routine. He knows that if he makes a mess he is to clean it up. After he eats anything he knows he is to clean up his mess off the table. There are some times that I ask him to clean off the table so we can eat dinner or I will ask him if he wants to set the table I noticed that when I ask him to help he is more willing to do it compared to when I tell him to. I try to teach him that it is always good to help. It was hard @ first because he would always give me the question of WHY do I have to do anything? I would tell him that he is now old enough to start having responsiblitiy. It is now time for him to prove to me that I can trust him with little things like this and eventually we can move on to bigger and better things like walking to school (we live 2 houses away), having a pet, going to the store with someone else (Im over protective), and eventually I can trust him to go over to a friends house for the day and when he is there he will do the same things because people dont want kids that are not there making a mess in there house. The would love to see a kid visit and have good manners and good cleaning habits. Now he had made all his clean a habit instead of a chore and when he does go over to even his cousins house they will bring him back and say that he was so helpfull. And to a parents ears it just brings so much joy. Well good luck to you and like I said it is hard @ first but will pay off in the long run.
T.

2 moms found this helpful

1 / 3
Required Fields

Our records show that we already have a Mamapedia or Mamasource account created for you under the email address you entered.

Please enter your Mamapedia or Mamasource password to continue signing in.

Required Fields

, you’re almost done...

Since this is the first time you are logging in to Mamapedia with Facebook Connect, please provide the following information so you can participate in the Mamapedia community.

As a member, you’ll receive optional email newsletters and community updates sent to you from Mamapedia, and your email address will never be shared with third parties.

By clicking "Continue to Mamapedia", I agree to the Mamapedia Terms & Conditions and Privacy Policy.