Were We Dissed???

If you volunteer to host the next holiday celebration, perhaps they will see how important it is for you to observe them, as an extended family. Maybe claim one each year, and the family should get the hint that you find them integral to your family traditions.

Start your own celebrations and invite people/family early.

We have always celebrated Hanukkah with our immediate family - not extended family. When I was a child - my siblings and parents - not our grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles. Now - with DH and my son. It may be that it does not really occur to DH's family to include you if it is not their family tradition. We never really did anything special for Rosh Hoshanah beyond apples and honey at our temple. For Passover - if they are having a seder your husband should talk with his family about including you.

I would not expect to be included in the family doings of your MIL's family - especially since she is not your husband's mother. However given your reasons for wanting your son to learn his heritage, I suspect they will include you if you ask.

it's unfortunate your husband isn't willing to approach this with his dad.

i think suggesting he say, "hey dad, are you guys doing a meal for chanukah?" (or the like? meals? i don't know how it works, sorry, yes i am completely ignorant) would be a good idea. it's really not a big deal. but then...couldn't you ask his dad that, too?

Tell the Matriarch of the family or the ones that do most of the "family" planning of events that you'd like your son to be with his family on these holidays and could they remember you guys.

BUT on the other hand, this is girlfriends family right? Not your FIL's siblings and HIS family but the girlfriends? Then it's sort of odd to me that you'd feel like they were your family too. She is not DH's mom or step mom technically....don't misunderstand me, I know the bond is there but her family may not see it as that.

I think finding other relatives on dad's and hubby's side to join the festivities with might be nice too. They are his family too.

I don't think you were intentionally disrespected.

For the next Jewish tradition...couldn't your husband host it in your home?

Stop waiting for an invite be more proactive and invite all of her folks over to your house and eliminate this feeling of being dissed. That may or may not be the case at all.

If you develop a loving relationship with her, it would give you some insight instead of guessing where her head might be. If they live close by it would be easy to invite her to meet you for lunch somewhere to get to know her better.

From your post it sounds to me like you are stand offish with her and then expect her to offer up this olive branch to you and your family to get you to join in the activities.

If she doesn't know how important it is to you to be a part of the holiday festivities, then how could you possibly hold her responsible for not reading her mind. Her mind is probably full of all the family dynamics of her family.

I say turn this whole thing around by inviting them over to celebrate and that means all of them and get her input too. I'm willing to bet things will change.

Why are you the one dealing with this? You say your husband finds it "uncomfortable to broach with his father." Does your husband somehow feel that if he brings it up, his dad will take it as some kind of slam on the girlfriend, or a way of saying "Mom would never have done this" or whatever? If that's the case, your husband needs to deal with those issues. I bet that if he brings it up the result will be FAR less awful than your husband is painting it in his imagination; but he will never know unless he does bring it up.

It doesn't have to be some kind of confrontation, just a clear talk: "Dad, we sincerely want Son to be close to his Jewish heritage and would like to ask that you and GF include us in holiday celebrations. You know that S. isn't Jewish but maybe you don't realize that this means a lot to her too -- she also really wants Son to fully embrace his Jewishness and the Jewish holidays with our side of the family. Maybe GF figures that, traditionally, the women organize these things, but S. feels that isn't appropriate since she's not Jewish -- she really does not want to offend anyone and knows it would be inappropriate for her to, for instance, plan a seder or an event for High Holy Days. So I'm letting you know that we really do want Son to be there at family holiday events and we want to be there too. Can you talk to GF and talk about including us in your celebrations more?"

That should tug on grandpa -- the fact that there's a child here who wants and needs to have more of his Jewish faith in his life. And I agree with the person who posted that GF may be "old school" and assuming that you will take care of things -- or she may be assuming that by marrying outside the faith, your husband signaled that he, you and your son aren't very interested. She may need to know -- with words, not with veiled "gee, we'd like to have been there" hints -- that you are all three very interested indeed. And yes, if your relationship with her is good overall, you can bring it up directly with her, but it would be healthy to have your husband participating here.

I applaud you for wanting your son to participate fully in his heritage. Does your family attend a synagogue regularly? I am not Jewish and don't know what rules there may be about mixed-faith couples both attending synagogue -- but I'm sure an understanding rabbi could tell you, and would be glad to welcome your son for instruction. I hope it all works out with the FIL, the GF and holidays too.

S., plain and simple, you just need to speak up and show some interest in what the overall plans are...like...

"Hi there, I'm looking at our busy calendar and want to protect time for ......(fill in the blank)... What are you planning? Will you be in town? Would you like to celebrate together? Your place or ours? Etc...

Even though I am not Jewish, I've au paired with 2 Jewish families and have close Jewish friends, and Chanukah was a pretty laid back affair as I recall.

If you haven't talked with your FIL and his friend about how you'd really like to be included so that your son will have experience then I urge you to do so. It may be that she assumes, since you're not Jewish, that this isn't important. to you.

I think that you need to start asking, "So what is the family plan for ....?" And if celebrations with his father are not an option, who else can you celebrate with? Or can you host and invite them or invite others? It may be that MIL was the driving force and closer to you since DH was her son. What is your overall relationship with FIL and SMIL? If you are not close in general, that may be the real problem.

Years ago, I felt dissed by my own family about Thanksgiving, so I took it back. We had a couple of sub-par Thanksgivings here, but now there are 14 people around my table and I'm happy to be giving my DD that family occasion like I wanted. We host the ILs for Thanksgiving and go see my aunt and cousins for Christmas.

Things change, you adapt. When my mom died and my dad remarried things changed. In general it is the woman of the family who organizes these things, without my mom it falls on the children, my brother and I. Yes my father is remarried but she is not the woman of our family, only hers. She would not step on our toes by planning anything and assuming we would come.

I know this sounds crazy but in regards to family I am very old school. It is not your step mom's place to plan your families events. You need to step up and say we would like to do something together or plan your own events.

I guess I am saying you are not being dissed, your step mom is just old school.

It is because this is her family. They are not married yet and her family does not think of you guys as family or they think you won't be interested in hanging out with people you are not related to. This is happening bc it is usually the women who do all the planning for these kinds of things and not the men. I think you should have your husband tell his Dad that he really wants to expose his grandchild to Chanukah and other jewish traditions and that he would love to be included sometimes. Have him remind his dad that you are not jewish and it would be nice if he and his girlfriend could include you guys. If your husband cannot say this to his father then do your own Chanukah at home...surely you can do the basics. If your son's dad does not want to bring it up with his own dad or do anything himself to expose his son to jewish traditions then that is up to him. You can just do your own family traditions and leave it at that.

Hmmm.
Interesting.

My Jewish peeps are very happy to share their traditions with anyone who wants to share with them. Even the more reform ones still hold to traditions for the sake of the children and passing them down.

I'm not sure why your husband feels uncomfortable talking with his father about this. But, I wonder, because you were not raised Jewish, that the new woman in FIL's life isn't quite aware of how important Jewish traditions and family are to you for your son's sake. I use the term "new woman" loosely as it sounds like she's been with your father-in-law for quite a number of years.

I think you should just come out with it and let her know how you feel. It doesn't have to be about holidays specifically, just the Jewish faith in general. She may be incorrectly assuming that "pushing" the Jewish faith could somehow offend you or your own faith and traditions. Let her know that's not the case.

Talk to her woman to woman. I think she will respect you and embrace you when you let her know how important this is to you as a mother.

You say she has a very large family. I'm not sure how large you are talking, however, Jewish women are nurturers. Enlist her help in having a proper seder at your home with everyone welcome. Invite her over to share her favorite matzoh ball soup recipie. Work together in the kitchen and have a nice dinner with her, your father-in-law, husband, and son.

I think if you let her know that you need her and you're really trying to continue to learn and expose your son to the Jewish faith and his heritage as much as possible, things will change for the better.

If you celebrate shabbat at your house and invite her family, surely you will meet some sisters, aunts, cousins. They will embrace you. Your son will get exposure to the men in the family.

Like I said, she may be afraid to trample on your own religion. Let her know she doesn't need to worry about that. Just talk to her yourself.

Best wishes.

P.S. ~ I just read your SWH. I think part of the problem is that you feel it's inappropriate for you to plan certain things because you aren't Jewish. That could be why there is an assumption of uncomfortability for you.
I don't see how it would be inappropriate if you have Jewish members of the family helping you. Like I said, enlist their help. You want your son to learn the preparation and the prayers, etc. If you don't know them, that's okay. You can be taught as your son learns as well. If you don't have it at your house, you can still express the importance of your son being involved.

There could also be an assumption that there's judgement because your father-in-law isn't married to this woman.

I still think you need to talk to this woman and resolve any incorrect assumptions. On both sides. Your father-in-law is your husband's dad and your son's grandfather.
It's worth the communication to keep the ties for your husband and son.

Just my opinion.

I'm assuming you are not Jewish? Maybe they don't make a point to include you everytime because they feel you have other things to celebrate and want to also show your son your religion.

Next time you see FIL & his girlfriend, even if it's after the holidays, I'd say to him and his girlfriend together, casually, but clearly so you have their attention and know they heard you (not confrontational or when a bunch of other stuff is going on) "We really love being included in all the Jewish celebrations, it's important for all of us that our kids grow up in the Jewish culture." This way they know you want to be included, and if they have that knowledge and still do not invite you in the future, then you have learned a lot about your relationship, and can make your own Jewish traditions.

I don't think you were "dissed" on purpose. Blending families is hard for the IMMEDIATE family, let alone the extended. I suggest approaching it from a place of love and belonging and what you are trying to do for your son and avoid as much as possible the "why don't they invite us?" approach. Some people really are clueless - they may not want to infringe on your already established traditions. Assumptions may abound since hubby isn't comfy talking about it to dad.

Well, maybe it is awkward for your FIL too, but he also has a hard time broaching the subject with his now Wife... since they are SO close knit and tight, amongst themselves.
They clearly, or maybe do not realize, that they are leaving out your Son and you/your Husband, and just keeping it amongst themselves.

But you and your Husband, can STILL, expose your son, to his Jewish heritage. You don't need them... to do it.
You can do it.
Or maybe, you have other Jewish friends, that can or will include you all????

Your Husband finds it hard, to broach the subject with his Dad and his Wife. I am sure he doesn't want to cause "drama" and problems... with them. Then the problems would be... with his Dad and his wife, PLUS her family. And then what?
Don't "rely" on your FIL's Wife's family, to do so.

I don't know that you need to call a family meeting for this right now, unless you're ready to start planning how everyone will spend the upcoming holidays. How did you learn that you had been overlooked? Did you find out before or after? What kept you from establishing plans together?

Maybe just before each occasion, get on the horn and ask if plans have already been made and what they are, and what you can do to contribute. ("What are we doing this year/What would you guys like to do this year?") If you are used to sharing this time, then why not go into it like you expect to continue to share it? Maybe you can ask what kinds of modifications the GF would like to make now that your families are somewhat joined. That can open it up for discussion.

I'd have to know more about the family dynamics to call it a dis. Give them the benefit of the doubt; if you get along okay, then don't jump to that conclusion.

PS. I think that we've seen over and over how women can come into a family and just take over. And the men just go along for the ride. If your relationship is good with her, then you should talk with her and see if you can work together to organize your celebrations. The men aren't going to speak up.

Try to become closer and spend more time with his wife.

Is the companion Jewish? If she is she is seriously overlooking the idea of tradition. If she isn't it seems the same thing. Overlooking tradition. But also taking over. She's in control.

If you don't show up, will your FIL call and ask why? It would be an opportunity to express your hurt feelings and that your son misses out on the traditional visit with grandpa.

Hard to say, really. She sounds a take over controller and your FIL is too nice to say anything. Or doesn't like to make waves. Could also be that he is 'gathering' observations and might be seeing her as having feet of clay.

If you never needed an invitation before, and just went to FIL's for the holidays, it could be as simple as "you never needed an invitation before, but just dropped in" frame of thinking. A phone call to dad might help. 'Just calling to see if you'd like us to come over or not; just making sure''

Not every ethnic group is accepting of others coming into their 'fold'. Mixed marriages may not be a thing that the older generation approves of. This is neither good or bad. Its their right to protect or feel the way they desire. Aren't their other ways to teach your son of that side of his Heritage? In Houston, there is a JCC that holds events.

I take it thhat you are not Jewish. What is shocking to me is that the family doesn't want to make sure that your son IS. Seriously-it is up to THEM to foster this religion in your son. I am sure you probably don't know many Jewish people so likely family will be his main exposure. I would tell them this as I know that carrying on the line is extremely important to most Jews.